A
female
age
51-59,
*alamitysil
writes:I married my best friend in 1996. Although physical attraction was not a priority for me, I do love this man as he's good and kind.We do not have children. We probably would have plodded on had I not met a man 15 years older who happens to live in my street. 5 years ago when we first got to know each other, I fell in love with him. He'd just divorced his wife and has 2 teenage sons. He made it clear that he didn't want a relationship, and was pretty bitter about women in general.We did get intimate, but unfortunately he had "difficulties". Looking back I'm not surprised, as it wasn't planned. I wish I had stepped back then, but I was so drawn to him I could literally not let him go. He was terrified his son would walk through the door. We should never have let it happen.That same evening I asked my husband to come back home. We had separated and he was living with his parents. I promised to work on our relationship and vowed to put it behind me.I tried to maintain contact with R as I enjoyed his friendship and loved his company, he made me laugh and I felt safe with him. He reacted coldly and blocked off any attempts for us to hug and kiss, said he didn't want to be known as a marriage wrecker. When I tried to tell him how much he means to me, he said he doesn't want my feelings. I then walked out of his house and kept my distance. We haven't spoken a word in 3 years, and he probably thinks we've all moved on in our lives, but I'm desperately unhappy. I miss him terribly and I cannot describe the pain when he turns his back on me. He'll walk away when I come out the door. I'm no different...I won't go out if he's out there unless I have to. I used to be very friendly with the neighbours, as he is too, but since this whole thing with R, I've virtually become a recluse. Some of my friends have said to forget him, yet another said I should fight for him. I couldn't cope with being rejected again, and I also don't want to encroach on him when I'm not wanted. Does love mean I should let him go, or is that a cop out so I don't put myself in the firing line? I am still in my marriage, but now we're together purely for financial reasons and no longer share a bed. Sorry it's so long (5 years of it!!! Bit hard to condense ;-)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (13 August 2007):
 Ive been there & done that too, with the guy thats dependant on you. I was in that situation for 9 years & had 2 kids with him. I made all the decisions in the relationship, where we lived, where we went etc. He was just that sort of perosn. And i had to have counselling for a few months in the end to actually have the courage to admit to him that i didnt love him anymore! If being with someone dependable & loyal was what life was about, i had it made! But thats not what lifes about. That was 6 years ago now & we are all happy. Hes with someone new, living with her, my kids stay there every other weekend & get on great with her & i like her. Ok, only met her twice.
But people survive! Its human nature.
I happen to think moving to another county will be a good thing for all of you!
That will be the real test, where this neighbour is concerned anyway.
I cant help getting the vibe that you & hubby wont mend this though :o(
My counsellor helped me realise that sometimes things cant be mended. And the love isnt going to come back no matter how much you wished it would! And believe me, i knew he was a good guy & he was my childrens father! We were extremely close. We were soul mates. Worked together, spent 24/7 together & for a lot of years that was what worked for us. Relate isnt all about keeping people together if it isnt right though.
And she was right.
Its a long journey ahead of you, but i wish you all the best.
C xxxxx
A
female
reader, calamitysil +, writes (13 August 2007):
calamitysil is verified as being by the original poster of the question You're very right C, and I need distance from this situation which is very unhealthy and I need to get perspective! We're moving away soon to another county and selling our house. Although for me this will be extremely traumatic, I also see this as a chance to get out of this rut and see if I have the courage to go it alone. Over the years my husband has emotionally blackmailed me to such an extent that I've lost all my self belief. The way I am now, I don't believe I'd be a good partner for R because I'd want him to fix me which is not his (or anyone's job)I'd like to think I'll come back to R one day and be like the person he first met, just single! Independant, sure of myself, and not emotionally dependant on him or anybody. If I'm honest my current unhappiness is not just because we no longer talk or acknowledge each other, it's because I've been sitting on the fence for 5 years now, afraid to make a decision and stick with it, afraid of hurting my husband who depends on me for various reasons, and living with the consequences.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (13 August 2007):
Hi
Well there might well come a time when he does meet someone special?
Maybe you should bite the bullet & ask him where you would stand if you had split with your other half, totally not connected to him of course. See what he says?
But if you split from your other half, you need to really do that with the intention of being on your own for a bit, to find yourself, it sounds like an old cliche but it is true. Its the only way you can find what you REALLY want.
Then if anything happens between you and R then all the better!
I certainly wouldnt leave him indoors, for R, thats for sure.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, calamitysil +, writes (13 August 2007):
calamitysil is verified as being by the original poster of the questionC, thanks for your response ;-)
R is indeed a special man and the very things that hurt me are the things I respect about him!
When we first met and my feelings started to grow I certainly wasn't looking for anyone to "save" me but the situation did make me examine what my marriage was all about, and I felt that maybe it was possible to love someone and desire them.
I didn't want R to feel he was the cause of me walking away from my marriage. He shouldn't have to carry that burden, and although my husband blamed him, I tried to make him see that our marriage was in trouble from day 1. I guess it's hard for R not to feel responsible when my husband ended up in A+E overdosing himself on his sleeping tablets!
Do I want him to "save" me now? Maybe I do. I would walk away if I knew R would talk to me again and we could be friends, yet I know that decision should not be influenced by him. My husband sadly knows that too. We've always had an open and honest relationship although in more recent years I don't disclose thoughts and feelings about R to anyone. I long to be free so I can approach him again, but would he push me away again? The only good thing out of all of this is that he hasn't found another woman in all those 5 years...that would have really broken my heart.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (12 August 2007):
Nightmare!
Well this older guy doesnt want to get hurt & hats off to him for standing his ground! If he had a downer about women & had been treated bad in the past, why would he put himself up for a fall in the future? He sounds a very sensible guy.
And he doesnt want to be a marriage wrecker. Thats a good thing too. He possibly feels if you want to cheat on your hubby, the same will happen to him in the future?
Its a shame you cant leave your husband because you both sound like you deserve to be with people that love you, you are both selling yourselves short.
Are you sure the neighbour isnt just someone that you feel can be your saviour? If you did split from your hubby, do you think you would really love this neighbour properly?
Hope you come to the right decision.
C xxxxx
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