A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 22 years, and feel terribly sexually starved by my partner. If I don't ask (often beg, demand or cajole) for sex, I'll almost never get it. Once I tried waiting for three months, to see if she would think of it. She didn't!While most wives of her age seem to be often disinterested in sex (specially if they've been in a long-term relationship), they also complain that their partners want it "all the time".As for me, I would be grateful if I got sex thrice or even twice a week. Is that asking for too much?Most women would advice to be kind, flatter one's partner, pay compliments, take her to restaurants, give her roses. But this years of deprivation has made me so angry, because it makes me wonder about my own self-worth.If you've been through such a situation, what would be your suggestions? Personally, divorce is not an option, neither would I like to take on partners on the side. I do masturbate when relief is needed; but it's not the same thing as the warm, fuzzy (oxytoxin?) feeling you get from partner sex!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): To Anon who stated...."Have you considered what your wife wants?? I'm sick of this 'bait and switch' mentality, when so many men have no clue nor desire how to please a woman sexually. I used to be interested in sex, but when it became all about his orgasm and his pleasure and not mine. So why would I put myself through it? If you guys up your game then maybe we'll be more willing."How can the OP up his game when she is not interested in SEX to begin with? She is not even giving him the opportunity to UP his game. He isn't even IN THE GAME.OP has two choices. Talk to her and work it out. Find a compromise. Begin having sex again and hopefully it will be satisfying to both. COMMUNICATE. If not, OP should leave his marriage because it is not going to work this way. The resentment will continue to build and will get worse. The relationship has ALREADY deteriorated to this point. Enter an attractive, maybe even YOUNGER woman and this man will not be able to control himself. I guarantee that. And if there is something more than chemistry, the wife is in real danger of losing him altogether to another woman, who WILL be able to satisfy all his needs.So, work on it or leave. Or cheat. But OP says that is not an option. I tell you IT WILL BE AN OPTION if you go on this way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2014): This link really helped me and my husband when I went off sex: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html
It explains why some people can go off sex to the point of being disgusted by it, and how that can lead to a sexual aversion. This is a lot more common in people who don't enjoy sex from the beginning and only do it to please a partner, which it sounds like your wife did/does. This article also gives some tips on fixing this (from both sides) but you will both need to be willing to work on it.
Once she has overcome the aversion, then you can ask your wife to explore herself and find out what she likes. Or even buy some toys and use them to help her enjoy sex more.
I wish you all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2014): I found this link to be very useful when I had gone off sex with my partner: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2014): What is the solution here?Obviously you are bothered enough by not being able to have sex that you are crying out for help on this forum and by the fact that it has gradually built up to resentment and anger towards your wife. This is not good. This is not healthy. This is not a way to live. This is not what it should be like to be in a relationship. This is not a relationship. This is a room mate you have. Somebody you are obligated to. You can say you stay for love and vise versa all you want. But this is NOT love. This is convenience. Comfort. Fear of breaking free. Fear of making a decision so you would rather wallow up and down on the teeter totter. Be at a stand still because it is safe. It's a ride you are familiar with and are growing tired of. You want it to be exciting again but it has worn you down. Lost its lustre. You see, with your wife, well, simply put, she is the DEVIL you know. You know what to expect and this is no sex. You know to expect a drought. You know she is not interested. You know all this. Have known all this. Yet you just take it. Stew in it. Let it build. All the while the charade continues. Nothing ever changes. Just a vicious cycle. The resentment only begins to escalate.The question remains: WHAT are you going to do about it? Cleary you are not happy. You say you will have to resort to pleasing yourself but this is only because you have no other choice? I say you do have other choices. Have the guts to follow them if you need to. You are living your life, not a prison sentence. Remember that. Remember life is short and why should you not be happy? In a fulfilling relationship? Fulfilling relationships must include sex. Sex is a major part of a relationship. That is the truth. Your happiness comes first. Never sacrifice it at the expense of anyone else. Make sure you both have a heart to heart about what is going on and what has led you both towards a sexless marriage. This is NOT normal. This is NOT acceptable... for either of you. Clearly she seems to be able to live with it. But there are TWO people in a marriage. You, on the other hand, are not able to live with it. You can deny it all you like. Try to go on and grin and bear. But I will tell you that your marriage is now hanging by a thread and that thread is weak and nearing its breaking point. It is a matter of time before you begin an affair when the right opportunity presents itself. Never say never. Affairs are rarely planned. They just happen when all the ingredients are in place, when all the necessary triggers line up and ignite the spark... Trust me. I know from experience. It has not happened for you yet. But when you meet a woman who is in the right place in life and emotional state and ready to have an affair, if you are also in the same place as she is, you will not even think about it. It has a very powerful allure. Very few resist.I suggest that if you and your wife are not on the same page after honestly speaking about it, even perhaps with the help of counselling... if all other options are exhausted and things do not change, you are well within your right to leave the marriage and find happiness with a woman who will fulfill you sexually as well as emotionally. But you will always suffer if you sit there waiting for your wife to change. People rarely change. Especially after many years and many years married. Things become habit. Routine. People are stubborn to change. So, even though it might improve temporarily after a heart to heart and/or counselling, realize that it may lapse right back to where you started after a little while.You are probably afraid you will never meet someone else. Afraid of being alone. You know your wife and have a history. So you can predict quite accurately that she will be there for you in your old age and vise versa.So choose. What is most important to you? Security and comfort. Or sexual satisfaction? Overall fulfillment in a relationship?Remember you CAN meet someone who can give it ALL to you. No just sex but companionship and comfort and a true, real, lasting relationship. Someone who can also take care of you in your old age. You are just not willing to gamble, are you? You would just rather stay in a miserable marriage that is not meeting your needs?
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A
male
reader, unknown2u  +, writes (31 October 2014):
It's reasonable to ask if I've considered what my wife wants. I've tried everything I can think of that she might like. I'm delighted to do oral -- she seems to get bored (and in my younger days I had a girlfriend for whom that was the favorite part of sex, so I'm not completely clueless about it.) She clearly dislikes manual stimulation. She's indifferent to massage. I've asked her what she likes, I've asked her to show me what she likes. I suspect she doesn't know -- she claims she's never masturbated and I believe her.
When I was younger and dumber I did worry less about her satisfaction -- I would do all the foreplay for some time (at least 15 minutes, usually longer) but carry on eventually when I didn't make her orgasm. As I got older I worried more about her satisfaction, and initiated a lot less because it seemed too one-sided.
Ultimately each of us is responsible for our own orgasm. I'm happy to meet her more than half way, but it takes two to tango. If there's something that would do it for her, I'm not sure she knows what it is.
Anon, if you have any suggestions I'm all ears.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2014): 'Sometimes we're just in 'bait and switch' relationships, where women do what it takes to get us and then afterwards worry more about what they want than we do'
Have you considered what your wife wants?? I'm sick of this 'bait and switch' mentality, when so many men have no clue nor desire how to please a woman sexually. I used to be interested in sex, but when it became all about his orgasm and his pleasure and not mine. So why would I put myself through it? If you guys up your game then maybe we'll be more willing.
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (30 October 2014):
All I can do is tell you you're not alone. I've been with my wife for over 30 years. At first she seemed more sexually adventurous that I was. Things really started going down hill once the kids arrived. I did all the things a husband is supposed to do -- I changed an equal number of diapers, I cooked most of the meals, did laundry, cleaned house. I never missed an opportunity to remind her she was beautiful. Although she seldom turned me down if I asked for sex, she equally seldom initiated. I tried what you did -- didn't bring it up to see how long before she initiated. I gave up at four months. I told her how important it was to me. I offered to rent us hotel rooms so we could have nooners without risk of interruption from the kids. Nothing.I figured that sex (or lack thereof) was a significant source of stress in my life, and started wishing away my sex drive. After maybe 10 years of that, it worked. It's sometimes unfortunate, because the once or twice a year that she's interested (when we're on holiday) I can't even do it anymore. But I have a whole lot less stress the rest of the time -- I don't expect sex, and I almost don't see her as a sexual being any more.Obviously that's not advice that you can use, but I do hope you at least feel that you're not alone. Sometimes we're just in 'bait and switch' relationships, where women do what it takes to get us and then afterwards worry more about what they want than we do. If we don't believe in divorce or cheating we're left with masturbation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2014): It wouldn't have mattered if the O.P. had waited 3 years before speaking up. The immediate responses would still have been blaming him for the problem.
A man complains that his wife no longer wants a sex life with him = the man gets blamed right out of the gate NO MATTER WHAT. This is so universally true that the O.P. has already waited 3 months in silence just to try to shut everyone up and establish that he ISN'T demanding an unreasonable amount of sex. But he still gets this response like clockwork.
I bring this up because this is not right. Blaming us for something so automatically is an anti-male bias. Men should not have to fight through this every time we try to bring up an issue that ruins marriages.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (30 October 2014):
 You've asked the million dollar question.
Your wife, like many women, hates having sex with someone she don't feel love for, and she doesn't feel any obligation to compromise, even though she's married to you. Sorry, it's not fair, but that's just human nature.
There is no easy answer, and doing and saying all the right things may not make any difference, but it's worth a try.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 October 2014):
 I understand your frustation. I have the same problem in reverse my 41 yr old husband is so NOT interested and I would prefer it more often even if it's not satisfying physically for me, emotionally knowing he wants me is a big thing.
and I had to wrap my head around the fact that he does love me and want to be with me but that sex is sadly very low on his priority list.
IN fact, in my world most of the women are the ones complaining their spouse is not interested.
Now in HER defense... cajoling or begging is not attractive and at your age and length of time married I would suggest that once or twice a week is above average... if you would SETTLE for 2-3 times a week, I can't help but wonder HOW often you are begging,cajoling or DEMANDING sexual release.
I Know you say you don't want to take a lover, or cheat, or divorce and that you are angry... but if you want to keep your marriage and you want to stay faithful then you are going to need to figure out what you need.
IF you need her to want you and respond to you, then yes you will have to woo her and feed the need she has... and you will have to figure it out.
IF you love her
and she loves you
then perhaps you two just do not speak the same love language.
I swear 80% of all problems in relationships are communication based problems.
Get a hold of the book "the five languages of love" read it. take the test ont he webiste about it... have her take the test too.. .figure out what speaks to her to let her know you love her... is it words? is it acts of service? is it gifts? are you giving her what SHE needs?
when you have relations with your wife, who's orgasm is more important... if it's not hers then you need to step up that part of the game too...
Think back to when you were engaged/first married and it was good... what was different? Bring that back to her by doing the things you did to make her fall for you in the first place.
IF this is newer (a few years) then a medical check up including a hormone work up is in order.
as a woman ages, sex can become VERY uncomfortable even with good lube.. the vaginal walls thin and dry and intercourse HURTS...
are you open to making love without intercourse? using toys and hands and mouths? if so go there.
find your intimacy again.
start with forgetting about sex at all for right now and work on hugging and kissing. NO genital contact, no grabbing her ass or boobs... hug her, tell her all the things that are good... kiss her and leave her alone.
do that for a few days and see what happens...
don't forget to feed her emotional needs so that you can get your physical needs met.
sadly if she has no drive you will have these options:
stay married and sexless except for masturbation
ask her if you can take a lover and do so if she approves
get divorced and find a more compatible woman
what options you do NOT Have:
demanding sex
cheating on her
good luck
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (30 October 2014):
OP I'm sorry I've just read my posts back and I'm worried I've not been clear. I'm not at all suggesting that you should just accept a sexless marriage or that this is all your fault. If your wife refuses to have sex and is unwilling to discuss it with you or compromise then that's cruel and not fitting with what a healthy marriage should be.
All I am trying to point out, is that if she says that she's gone off sex because she doesn't feel appreciated or desired or whatever it may be, then you need to listen and fulfil your side of the bargain too. This is not just a case of you convincing her to have more sex - you need to get your connection back so you both want to have sex out of respect and mutual love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2014): You are all missing the point. He is going THREE months without sex. And that is when he speaks up. My guess is the dry spell would last indefinitely if he does not address it.Point is she is not open to sex for three months. Not showing interest. Zero. I would be resentful too! How is she even letting it go that long?No sex is a major problem in a relationship and if not fixed it will end the marriage and likely by cheating. The poster says he won't but that is because the right opportunity and the right woman and the right moment has not come along YET.The wife is setting him up to cheat. Does she even know it?A life preserver to a drowning man is going to prove irresistible when he meets a woman he has chemistry with.No man should have to beg his wife for sex and live without sex. As a wife that is the most selfish and thoughtless act.There is something wrong with her to withhold. Let's not jump on the man.I know. Because my boyfriend's wife did the exact same thing to him. Now he is having sex with me for almost two years. And he is beyond incredibly satisfied and happy. I meet the needs she is not meeting.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (30 October 2014):
To the anonymous male, you are right to say that the OP has the right to have his needs met by his wife, but she also has the right to have hers met by him. She could just as easily turn around and say that until he meets her basic need of feeling wanted and desired by her husband, then she is going to re-evaluate their marriage too.
I don't know any woman who would be keen to have sex with a husband who said 'as my wife you should meet my needs, but I'm way too angry at you to ever try to reciprocate by making you feel special or pay you a compliment'. What's in it for her? Janniepeg also raised a great point that she might not enjoy sex. We had a woman on here a few weeks ago asking for tips to re-gain her sex drive that had completely disappeared, then she went on to say that she had never orgasmed with her partner. Not really a surprise she didn't feel like sex then.
OP, by all means try to give her an ultimatum, but it's very unlikely to work as it's not addressing the issue of her not WANTING to have sex with you. Basic psychology states that people want to feel valued, important and heard, yet so many people only focus on these things from their own point of view. The trick to getting your needs met by a person is to meet these three things for THEM first. Make them feel like the most special person in the world (indeed this is what Simon Cowell credits his success with). They will then be much more likely to reciprocate as it's mutually beneficial.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 October 2014):
 If sex is just something women comply to, doing wifely duty while only men getting orgasm out of it, then women are not going to be interested in it. Not all women are too concerned about orgasms but maybe your wife is frustrated that she never enjoyed sex. It could also be that she's not attracted to you and only married you for security. What does she need for fuzzy oxytocin feeling? She may still enjoy hugging and kissing but gets nothing out of sex.
Married couples still have sex regularly even when they are not in the mood. You have to be repulsed by that person to push him away. It can be maintenance sex, or because you love that person and want them to be happy. It's not so difficult to slide a penis in even a woman is not ready. Especially when there's enough foreplay and cunnilingus too. Are there underlying issues in your relationship that prevent you two from being intimate? Yes I understand that you can do all the nice things and still the woman is not interested. She has to extend her part, and effort to keep this relationship going. If she's not going to listen to you, hopefully a female counsellor would tell her the same thing, that physical intimacy is important.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2014): Now for some realistic fair advice. I suggest sitting your wife down, pointing out that waiting 3 months in total silence got you nowhere, and saying, "I have been compromising and waiting more than enough. Sex is a basic need for most of us and a married man is supposed to be getting that need met by his wife. If you are a healthy woman, married to me, and you are not willing to have a sex life with me anymore, then we need to rethink this marriage arrangement."
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (30 October 2014):
If she has virtually no sex drive, then she is likely to say you do want it 'all the time' if you're asking for it 3 times a week. In fact, I'm 29 and I'd say I have quite a healthy sex drive, and I think 3 times a week is quite good going when you both have busy lives.
As for your problem, you say you are too angry to compliment her or try to romance her, and you often have to 'demand' sex in order to get it, then you come on here asking why your wife isn't interested?! Seriously? You day you feel sex starved, but your wife probably feels romance starved.
You must know by your age that women and men have very different views on sex and love, and expecting her to hop into bed with you three times a week despite your simmering anger and resentment towards her and without any effort on your part to make her feel wanted - well I think my sex drive would die a death too.
The way I see it is you have 2 choices. The first - open up to your wife. Tell her what you want and need and ask her to do the same. And REALLY listen. Let go of this anger and resentment and try to repair the love connection between you two. Bring in a counsellor if necessary.
Or the second, leave your wife and look for someone else that you are actually willing to make an effort with.
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