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female
,
*mile_gurl
writes: I'm in a 10 month relationship, which is tearing me apart and breaking every bit of my confidence. My bf's dominating. He wants to have the power over me, from changing my sense of dressing, not mixing around with anyone, prioritizing only him, giving him my best,everything else. He controls me, but that's not the issue. He expects me to keep quiet whenever he shouts at me. He makes an issue out of every single thing. He gets mad when I hang up the phone on him. I apologise whenever he shouts at me, whether its my mistake or not. But it doesnt get no where. Everytime i apologises, he starts shouting at me, telling me to stop saying sorry as it doesnt mean anything to him. He tells me that my tears are nothing anymore, he is too immuned to it. It hurts. Everytime he is angry, he starts abusing me verbally, sometimes physically. He has put me down so much that I don't think i can ever stand again. He told me that I should behave like a gal, before being anyone's gf. His defination of a gal= a slave. It hurts very badly. I find it hard to go away from him. Whenever I leave, he calls me back. But it won't be a week before it starts again. I really don't know what to do. I have gotten into so much shit because of him. with parents etc. I am so hurt and depressed. I lost my virginity to him, probably that's why i find it so hard to leave him. It feels like he is taking advantage of me because of the fact that he knows I find it hard to leave him. I don't know how to make him see that I am human, I have my tolerance limit, I can't always take it when he calls me names. He said he has rights to call me names cause he's a guy. But being a guy does not give him any rights to destroy me this way. I am so confused.
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female
reader, smile_gurl +, writes (16 May 2006):
smile_gurl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice.
DrPsych; he does not have a problem from his past that I know of. He has not been physically abusive to any of his gf's except fer me.
Till now, there has not been any news from him. He hasn't called at all. Probably he will tomorrow and I'm feeling scared as I wouldn't know what to do. He knows my weak points and always probe on it. I do not want to be in a relationship, but I am finding it so hard to move. I can't do much because my parents are very strict and I can't talk to them about anything. Apart from school, I have to be home all the time. Thus not giving me an opportunity to go out..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2006): Look, every person so far has suggested that you leave this guy. This should have some sort of bearing, they are all absolutely right and anything i could say to you would be repeating what they have. I hope and pray that you listen, because the longer you are with him, the tighter his hold on you will be. just make sure that you have a support network, people who know what you are going through and who can help you if things get rough. Please post back and let us know how you are going. I hope you get enough courage to leave this guy so you can actually have a chance at true love and true happiness.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (15 May 2006):
 Walk away now while you are only ten months into this relationship instead of ten years! Stay with this man and you will end up having no self confidence and no self esteem, and a belly full of hatred for this man.
You know the way you are being treated by him is wrong, he is controlling you, slowly you will end up with no friends or family, he will ensure you have no back up so he can continue to behave in this way.
I understand you are emotionally attached to this guy, he was the first man you had sex with, but can you seriously imagine spending the rest of your life with him, can you imagine your life with him if you had children?
This is a man, I think, that feels women are here on earth to do nothing more than his bidding, someone that will insult you, humiliate you and instill fear into you by whatever means to get you to behave in a way he sees fit. You say he is physically and verbally abusive and treats you like dirt, all this in just 10 months? What kind of father do you think he would be? I'll take a guess and say he'd be just as controlling with any kids he's likely to have, and they too would end up as miserable as you are now. These are the things you need to consider if you're planning a future with him.
Take yourself back to before you met him, were you this unhappy, could you have ever imagined living this way? I doubt it. Time to get out of this relationship, don't worry about what others might think, don't see it as failure on your part, stand up for yourself just this once and leave knowing in your heart you dserve so much better than this, and don't look back, this guy will not change.
Take control of your life again and put this down to experience, and remember this is YOUR LIFE, don't waste it on him!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ainley +, writes (14 May 2006):
 how dare he!! you so totally do not deserve any of that in fact you deserve a medal for even staying with him which after this you are going to dump him and get yourself pampered to the the bone!! hes a jerk and if you stay with him hes really going to hurt you this isnt love no where near it he doesnt even know what the word means, change your mobile number so he cant ring you and never answer your home phone. dont worry about not having the courage to do it because you've come this far as to ask for help, your family is there for and so are your friends that is if he hasnt got rid of them aswell, hang in there you deserve better. for what you have just told me i also suggest for your own safety get your new mobile before you dump him then using your old phone dump him then chuck it. any further problems threaten to call the police and dont go anywhere alone. i speak from experience as my friend was in the same boat year ago, she thought hed change and he did for 3 months but they only get worse! believe me!
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A
male
reader, yoyouyont +, writes (14 May 2006):
he sounds like a narcissitic personality disorder who likes to abuse you. I recommend you leave as soon as possible before you lose more of your self and become a broken person. You will get a lot more damaged than you are already if you stay for another ten months- where you are now will seem like a walk in the park. I've seen friends in abusive relationships with individuals that share a lot of the behaviour patterns you describe in this man. You must leave now. Oh and losing your virginity to him is now in the past so has little meaning now(violence is not romance!)
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (14 May 2006):
 You are not confused. You know it is wrong. It is wrong - the guy has his own psychological problems connected with control; perhaps he has had a bad past but that is not your fault. Romantic partnerships should be on an equal footing and yours is clearly not. You have poor self esteem and most people would after enduring this kind of abuse. No one has the right to abuse you but you are very much in control of yourself - you can continue to be with this man, in which case he wins really as he gets to control you even more, or you actually do both him and yourself a favour and walk away. By this, I mean he has his own issues that require professional help - by staying you are endorsing his behaviour, by leaving he maybe required to face up to his problems and the way he relates to other people. He is abusing you because he feels very, very bad about himself but don't feel sorry for him - his issues are his problem. Be strong, say enough is enough and walk away...
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