A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I dumped someone I was dating for 2 years.I tried to be as nice to him, such as telling him it wasn't his fault, and that it was mine. However, there was quite a few things that WERE his fault. I just kept it all to myself, until he persisted on knowing the real reasons why I did what I did.I did it on MSN. I lied, BIG time, not only when I was breaking up with him, but, basically during the 2 year relationship. I was confronted by him asking me why I withheld all this info, during the relationship. I told him it was because I gave up on him. A few days later, I get an e-mail saying he didn't trust me, anymore.I'm hurt, and I don't understand what went wrong! I need help! Thanks!
View related questions:
msn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): 'He rudely shouted "What's it to ya?" .' , ‘My ex was finishing his lunch. Then, my boyfriend totally pointed at my ex's body with his. We wanted to talk with him. Instead, he ran as if he was running for his own life! I think the ex spoke to security - I overheard him say all shaky "Look! I'm shakin', over here! My whole body is!" to someone. I looked, and saw that he was : Breathing VERY hard, and his body was vibrating more than a stupid vibrator!’, ‘I do hope my boyfriend didn't trigger any of that!’ - Sheesh!I think your guy might have triggered it. Did your ex have a shouting match with your current guy? Or, did he toss wild accusations at either of you? If so, he may be insecure, and might get physical if provoked. I think he might, by the sounds of his reaction from the first paragraph of your latest update. If you NEED to talk to your ex, do him a favor, and don't show any emotions - positive or negative. He might blow up in either case.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): I saw him, alone at a table. I didn't mean to, but, I guess I just startled him by asking how he was. I guess I sounded just a bit sarcastic, when I asked him. He rudely shouted "What's it to ya?" . And, a couple of weeks later, me and my boyfriend sat far away from him.
My ex was finishing his lunch. Then, my boyfriend totally pointed at my ex's body with his. We wanted to talk with him. Instead, he ran as if he was running for his own life! I think the ex spoke to security - I overheard him say all shaky "Look! I'm shakin', over here! My whole body is!" to someone. I looked, and saw that he was : Breathing VERY hard, and his body was vibrating more than a stupid vibrator!
I do hope my boyfriend didn't trigger any of that!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): Wow OP it's all "me" with you isn't it? "I'm a great friend, how could he let *me* go, why won't he talk to *me*, I'm so great I don't understand why he could be pissed at *me*, it's not fair on *me* I only fucked him over royally, I don't deserve to lose him" etc.
Get over yourself and face the fact that you screwed him over in a number of ways and you're not as great as you think you are. You're human like the rest of us.
How can he trust you or want to be your friend when you're so ego-centric you can't for the life of you figure out what you did wrong?
What makes you think you're a person he should even want to know? I mean you don't seem like a great friend to me, I wouldn't want anything to do with a person who betrays me the way you did and even if I was to give that person another chance it would only be if they actually understood what they did wrong and were truly apologetic for it.
You're none of those things.
If you want to understand why he's feeling like that and why he would be very wise not to have anything to do with you ever again, then try stepping outside of yourself for a minute and empathize with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): I am being honest, right now!
Did I screw up about telling him not to worry about the friend he holds in high regard? That person isn't all that great - I'm much nicer!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 Op, what exactly don't you understand. You cheated on him, you lied to him for two years, then you dumped him. He is hurt- and he is sore at you , and with good cause. Being backstabbed by a lover or by a friend is ultimately not that different. The point is that NOW he knows you are a person who is capable of backstabbing, betrayng and telling lies in your own interest, and that you'd put your own interest before any relationship you might have ( although you might have had your reasons and motivations, but he's not obliged to take them into account ). These are not qualities you'd search for in a best friend, so it seems to me that his reaction is very logical and expectable.
Besides that, you don't consider that there are tons of people who don't believe in " staying friends " with their exes.
They think, quite reasonably, that you can't just move someone from the role of love object to that of friend ,just like that, at the drop of a hat. And that they can move on faster and better if they make a clean break.
So, Op, not only you can't MAKE people to stay friends with you- but perhaps, if you still care about them, you should not even wish it. Let them do what they feel it's best for them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): I still don't find it fair! He's told me that a very dear friend of his was not in the best medical condition, and was worried. I told him not to talk like he was worried, about this friend of his. I just didn't want him to get any more emotional, from that, as well.
My new guy has sent a message to my ex, last summer, telling him to leave me alone, when all 3 of us KNEW he did NOT do anything to me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): "But, it isn't fair! I didn't want to hurt him, AT ALL! He's a really great guy!"
It is fair. If you didn't want to hurt him then why all the lies? Why did you keep things from him? And why oh why did you have to tell him you gave up on him? And then you go off and starting seeing someone else?
OP what part of that sounds like a good friend?
I mean if you can't/won't talk to him while in a relationship then what's to say you will in a friendship?
I'm sorry to say this OP but you're being selfish in wanting him as a friend. You're not thinking of what's best for him here but only of having everything hunky dory with him again to ease your conscience. Or so you don't have to lose a friend.
As the others said you need to let him go and let him have space. I wouldn't hold your breath though, you did screw him over royally whether intentionally or not and I really can't see any way that you can make him trust you again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 I think you need to give him space, I can't see why he would want to be friends with you, at least not right now, he is still hurting.
In a relationship lying and "trying" to not hurt a partner can easily backfire. So learn from it and be open and honest in your next relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, diamondshards  +, writes (19 May 2012):
It is plenty fair in my book, you may have not wanted to hurt him, but you have, probably deeply, and you need to take responsibility for that.
Just give it a few weeks/months, let time take care of his anger and pain, then maybe approach him again, explaining to him that you never meant to cause him harm and that you're sorry and wish for him to try and forgive you if he can. If he's ready and willing to do this, you can then rebuild your friendship with him going from there, but be aware it will probably take quite a while, if it's going to happen at all. Keep in mind he may just not want you in his life at all for his own sake, which you'll have to accept, if you care about him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2012): Does anyone know how I can get him back, as a friend?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2012): Is there any way I can get him back as a friend?
Here are a few details I omitted, that are probably relevant:
Almost a month after breaking up with the ex, I started dating someone else. This is a few days before I got the message that he couldn't trust me.
I think he's pretty damn mad at me, for all the lying.
But, it isn't fair! I didn't want to hurt him, AT ALL! He's a really great guy!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2012): Really? You don't understand that you lied to him, kept things from him, failed to communicate important information during your relationship and your reason for that was you gave up on him and then you dumped him, and you seriously don't know where it went wrong?
I don't understand how you don't understand what went wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, Duckyhelp  +, writes (19 May 2012):
 Your ex is hurt from the break up and is looking to blame you for what has happened as humans naturally just dont take blame due to pride.
Give him time and dont take it so personally as he is just looking to take out some anger and hurt on you. Keep a good distance so that he doesnt wiggle his way back into a relationship and you are stuck again.
Live your life and see you are not at fault, in the end you will have done him a favour when you are both happy with other people and living your lives. It just takes a few months to clear the air. This happened to me you see and i felt so guilty about how upset he was, so i just ignored the silly accusations and gave him space to move on. It will happen in the end.
Hope this helped!
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (19 May 2012):
 I think your ex is hurt you broke up with him and lied.
This is why he doesnt trust you anymore.
He needs his space and you guys need to move on.
Goodluck!
...............................
|
