A
female
age
41-50,
*knj30
writes:I have a problem my boyfriend of over 8yrs broke up with me.we have been together since Jan 3rd 1999, and I was his first love,and sex partner.I was his first everything and the first serious relationship.all he said was that you loves me and cares for me but doesn't have the same feelings for me.This is the second time he broke up with me.The first time he broke up with me saying the things arent the same and he tells me he met this girl on line from miami and we live in New Jersey and he feels a connection with her and this was about almost 2yrs ago, and they became boyfriend and girlfriend. they never saw each other and just talk on the phone and online.then she broke it off because he kept coming for me for sex and stupid me went for it..then we can back together on Feb. 3rd of 2006.things were going good.then in end of may of 2007 he break up with me by saying he love me and cares for me what doesnt feel the same way and he said he swears there is no girl but then i hear that he is talking to this girl online and hanging out with her.i'm so heart broken and feel betrayed.I did everything for him,I drove him around,got him anything he wanted,help him get his license,made appointment for him,cleaned his room,and pretty much babied him. i did more than his own parents ever did for him in that over 8yrs I was with him.all he did in the past was lie to me,Cheated on me with girls online about seven years ago and told me two years ago a day after my grandfather died.I seriously pretty much dealt with a lot.he didnt cheat on me ever since that 7 girls about 7 years ago, but for some reason I felt I was the one trying hard and he was never there for me.He is anti-social and never wanted to hangout with groups of people.All he does is go on his computer.he never wanted to do thinks like camping,hiking or anything fun.He was like jekyll and hyde one day he was happy and the next he didnt want anything to do with or anyone and wanted4d to be left a lone.I keep hoping he will change and stuff and even after a break have a fear of another girl coming to his life and changing him for the best.I love him so much and really want him to come back but he keeps telling me that he doesn't want me and doesnt want to be with me and tells me that it's me almost 2months and that I should be fine now.You think he will ever realize he is making a big mistake and come back.How could someone after 8yrs totally stop loving someone that quick.he tells me I call and text him too much, and that he tells me I should move on.Could it be that I was too needy,or clingy.Or maybe I was calling him to much and stuff and he got sick of me? I dont know what went wrong? I never cheated on him, and was a great girlfriend even he said I was so what went wrong..I cry all the time and wish he would come back..please help me and tell me what should i do and you think he will realize he made a mistake. i'm so heart broken and confused Please someone help me and tell me what I can do? I'm so hurt..
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male
reader, Andy00  +, writes (21 July 2007):
 Hello. Firstly, I just want to say how sorry I am for what has happened, you don't deserve that to happen, because you sound like a very considerate and loving girl. Somebody any guy would be lucky to have.
I am in a similar situation, but admittedly, things right now are worse off for you. I just came out of a 2 year relationship with my long distance, online girlfriend. 2 years is only a quarter of what you had, which is quite frightening really, because the 2 years felt long and great (for the best part of it, anyway)
Anyway, you remind me of me. I always thought I was very considerate of my girlfriend, and, like you for your boyfriend, would have done absolutely anything to see her happy. She ended with me a few weeks ago due to not being able to cope with distance, and I felt like I had done something wrong; kinda like how you feel just now. You're probably thinking about what you could have done differently and helped prevent the changes, but honestly hun, in some relationships change for seemingly no reason at all.
While getting back with him is what you want most in the world (And I'd know! I wish for my girlfriend back every day!) but it may not happen. And if it doesn't, please don't fret, it will get easier with time. Time is a brilliant healer. Sometimes it doesn't seem to heal things as quickly as you'd like, sometimes it's a slow process, but it still heals all the same.
Some day you will find somebody who will appreciate your love and not take it for granted, and when that time comes, I have a feeling you will be very happy together. I'm sure at this time you don't see that, but, like I say, that will just be a question of time.
All the best :)
xx
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (20 July 2007):
 Hi Honey,
You are so right - you are a great girlfriend. I understand that you are heartbroken and that you are in a great deal of grief and pain over losing him - but from your letter - it doesn't sound like much of a loss. If you read your own letter - you will see from your own words that HE was not a good boyfriend. You deserve to have someone love you for who you are and all the wonderful things that you do. It is hard to walk away and it is human nature to ruminate and pick over all of the details and wonder why - but it is hurtful and destructive to our own souls. Try to stop dwelling on why and get yourself out and back doing things that you love to do. Get back in touch with friends and make new ones. I'm sorry to be blunt, but - He sounds like a grade "A" jerk. He lied to you, cheated on you, was insensitive to you when you were grieving, took advantage of you, used you as a booty-call and made you responsible for taking care of him in every way. You have to look at this honestly and wonder why you loved him. He did not treat you like he respected you or your feelings at all. You have to honestly look at why you feel that you should put up with this behaviour and still give love in return. You deserve better. I really hate to think of you wasting your tears over him. Life is very short and you are in the prime of life. You will find someone who will love you the same way that you love them! You won't find it in this jerk, you won't find it sitting at home and crying over this jerk. I know that someone out there is dreaming of having a girlfriend who is loving and devoted. He is waiting to share his life and longing for the day when he can brag about how great his girlfriend is - you deserve THAT guy. I know that you are really sad right now and that often the only thing that helps is time, but please don't sit at home and talk with friends and family, they can help you get through this.
Take Care.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 July 2007):
 Somewhere in the text you wrote "stupid me". You were not stupid: you were simply in love. Love makes us put up with things we would normally not put up with. You should not think bad about yourself. You gave yourself away, and put all of your heart into the relationship. You're so good.
I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but, you're better off without him. You know, I have my doubts that he dumped you for an online girlfriend; but, let's assume this was the reason. You are there, by his side, he sleeps with you, and he prefers looking at a screen? This gives you an idea of how bad the relationship was going. I don't think there's anything left of it.
I'm afraid he doesn't really love you or care about you. You mention he cheated with seven girls about seven years ago. Even if this was online involvement only, it does show how little he cared for you.
Also, you know, eight years cannot go away so quickly; yet he says "you should be fine" after two months. He is fine, and this is because he is not emotionally involved, if he ever was. What he means is, "get over it because it's giving me trouble".
Maybe, in time, he will realize he made a huge mistake. However, that doesn't help you. First, some people DO appreciate what they have, but they are users and don't care about it. Second, some people do realize what they did, but only after several years; and you're entire love life will not rest on the assumption that, someday, he might come to his senses. You should move on.
I know this will be very difficult for you, and I know you're very much confused. Which is another word for "I know I love him and want him back, and I hope things will eventually turn out the way I want".
Even if you insisted, he is not really giving you any options. This is a battle you don't want to fight.
You need to move on. See this as a new opportunity: you have the chance to find someone else, who will appreciate you, a giver, for all you're worth.
Take care,
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