| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello everyone reading. About nine months ago me and a married man whom I had a two year emotional affair with ended completely with a mutual understanding that we could never have a relationship due to the mess we created in his life. When it approached the end, he had moved out from their home, tried inviting me to his friends on numerous occasions and told his family he wanted to be with me etc but I couldn't handle the pressure and guilt so I refused. We quit talking for a few months and then he attempted to contact me again, which led to me blocking him for a while. Only to find that a week or so after that they became exclusively together again. I'm happy their family survived our ill behavior and I'm happy she gave him another chance. I'm with certain it was hard on her and him as well. I know I'll probably get a lot of criticism from people who've never been in such a situation but it seems as though there's a load of information online about how the married couple copes, none for the other woman. I feel like a horrible person, like I owe her an apology she'll never get, like the guy whom I fell so deeply for and who I was very much in love with hates me somehow and it's just been really hard for me to put it behind me. I started dating some, even had a relationship for four months that was getting serious but nothing seems to help me get over this guy. There's no closure for me and I acknowledge I'm the last to deserve it, the most hated in the situation. The on and off aspect of the affair constantly leaves me feeling like some day he'll contact me again with magic words that will ease my broken heart but using that slither of fantasy isn't helping me get over the guy nor forgive myself. I don't know what to do. I cry occasionally, have to hold back from looking online at them, and just so much going on in my mind and emotions all the time. I pray for their peace and recovery, but I need to start working on mine as well. Any advice would be appreciated deeply.
View related questions:
affair, married man, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Hot Cup of Tea  +, writes (10 September 2017):
The first person who needs your forgiveness is yourself. Things obviously got out of hand but you were the prime mover in them resolving themselves. you have acted admirable in my eyes and you seem to blame no one else but yourself. There is no time to get over a great love, it may take small steps but when your ready someone else will come along who makes you just as happy and will be free to love you the way you deserve. I wish you well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2017): I'm the OP
Thank you everyone for your heart felt replies while I deal with the mistake of a lifetime.
Holeymoley, I sometimes feel I owe her a huge apology but that she'll never get it because I feel like I would be a witch to contact her with a sorry that isn't going to change anything for her. The damage was done and of course if I ever found myself in the position to be talking to her I would say sorry but I feel like it's not going to do much for her really. If I knew that she would want to hear it I would go that route but I think it's an ify thing to do.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2017): Getting over someone you've given your heart to isn't easy, my dear. It doesn't matter the circumstances under-which the love occurred. It wasn't the best of situations for love to flourish; but it is what it is.
I've often said to men or women in your situation; that there is a karma that we face for wronging others. She felt what you felt, when her husband was taken away from her. There are consequences for hurting other people; and taking that which is not ours. You are feeling the emotional-consequences for now; but they will pass.
You're a good person. You feel the appropriate remorse and regret; you've also faced loss. This is not just bad karma, or reaping what you've sown. It is meant to teach us empathy. To know what the our victim feels. The remorse and regret is only that we reconsider, and make better choices in the future. It's a life-lesson. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. It ain't just you, sister. All of us!!!
You will not live in pain indefinitely. That's not what it all means. We all make some pretty bad mistakes in our lives; and they comeback to bite us in the ass. No one here has a right to point a finger at you; or kick you when you're down, when you need comfort and reassurance. We would have given you a boot in the rump; only if you stayed in that situation. Depriving yourself of happiness and something better.
Love takes root, and those roots will bury themselves deep into our hearts and every fiber of our being. It's like ripping your hair out by the root; it hurts like living hell, when that love is taken away from us!
Not to fret, it is the usual withdrawal and pains of separation. Your pain will lessen and fade with time. At the onset, such pain seems it will be forever. Your youth works in your favor. The mind is going through many processes at the same time. You're not only grieving, but you're hurt by guilt. That's a lot of weight on your shoulders. It's heavy for now, but your back will grow much stronger from this.
"what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! "It gives you more resiliency. Just allow yourself to grieve your loss.
Then fight your way back. Reach deep inside to all those reserves of strength you have buried deep. We're all built for this. We must recover after a loss. Life goes on.
I know I come across pretty tough sometimes; but I know where to apply the right pressure. I don't put salt on open wounds. I am compassionate, and I know what it feels like to grieve a love lost. Just be strong, sweetheart.
You're feeling all the right emotions; but don't give-in to the pain completely. It will push you to depression. He doesn't deserve all that. He had every intention of keeping his wife; he was greedy, and just couldn't give-up having it all. His ego made him feel he deserved to own two hearts. As if there was enough to go around. Then he refused to set you free. You are no longer his property. You are a free-soul, to do as you please. You are no longer an emotional-captive.
Give yourself time. Spoil yourself. Find distractions that give you pleasure. Don't seek relationships; just date for companionship and comfort. Have fun, while your wounds heal.
Love comes in unexpected ways; and sometimes we have to reject it when it comes in the wrong package. These feelings of discomfort is how we repay the person we subjected to pain; but that pain and guilt will flee once we forgive ourselves and move forward. That part of your life is now the past; and you have your future to look forward to. You'll find love again; and I hope the next time, it will be for you, and you alone.
I wish you the best!
...............................
A
female
reader, ALM12  +, writes (7 September 2017):
 Hey don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes OP. You are a great person and you have aknowlegded that what you did was wrong. All you can do is learn from this and move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (7 September 2017):
GO TO THERAPY, NOW!If you don't work on yourself, you won't be able to move on with your life. You don't need to ask for forgiveness or anything: you don't have ALL THE FAULT on this... your former partner SHARES GUILT WITH YOU.ESTABLISH A NO CONTACT POLICY WITH HIM, FOREVER.That guy is your poison, and it should be hard to impossible for him to contact you, because right now, until you get healed through therapy, you are like a drug addict that gets contacted by his dealer. You need to stop this once and for all before you suffer even more.Once you are able to heal yourself through therapy, you'll be able to get over this guy, and be able to live happily with a new partner and look into having a the happy future YOU DESERVE. You made a mistake, and you deserve a second, a third, and so on chances in live, as we all deserve.It's not the end of the world, it's not the end of your life; it's a new beginning. There is much more to live for, there are many good men out there who are not married and you can have a healthy relationship with them.I wish you best luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 September 2017):
 You don't sound like a bad person OP. You made a mistake but you had the courage and the conviction to change. Not many people in your position can do that.
Peace comes from within and you have to work at forgiving yourself first. You have to learn to love yourself again and remind yourself that while you did something wrong, you also then put it right. Allow yourself to heal, allow yourself to feel happy, allow yourself to enjoy life once again. You have punished yourself enough.
I doubt if the man in question feels even half as guilty as you and I bet he's going to do it again... He sounds like a jerk but anyway. You don't have to bother about him or his wife. They're doing what they can and you don't know what's going on within closed doors. Let them be. Don't go by what pictures on social media say. One thing I've realised is, the more the "happy, sunny, look-at-how-much-we-love-each-other" pictures are, the more damaged the relationship is. Someone once said that the happiest person on this earth is probably not on Facebook and they're so so right!
Don't look at getting into a new relationship just to heal from the hurt of this affair. You need to not be with anyone for a while. Read good books, surround yourself with happy people, travel, spend time with family. When you introspect, ask yourself why did you have to get into the affair with a married man? What was it that made you do this? Why did you give in to temptation knowing that it was wrong and it would hurt you, more than him?
Only you can help yourself sweetie; we can show you the way but only you can help yourself. And forgiveness is the first step to doing that. Forgiveness not for him but for yourself.
You will gradually move on but till then, be easy on yourself and each time you think that he's happy with his family and you're suffering, keep in mind that you have no idea of what his life is like. You are much much better off, trust me.
...............................
A
female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (7 September 2017):
 Hi Op You mentioned" like I owe her an apology she'll never get," Why does she never have to get one?They only person stopping her from receiving one is you. Have you considered penning her an apology on your behalf, not his-thats his job and business? It might give some closure to both you and her, or at least her comfort knowing that your intention is to leave him well alone. I'd hardly say you are or should the most hated in this situation either, I mean he did have and equal part to play, but I guess it is what it is, you probably wont change that.
...............................
|
