A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello people. I'm a 21 year old guy, I've graduated college, have a cool job, and have been working in a great firm the past 2 years. I was raised in a small town, in a very catholic and conservative family. Nonetheless I'm an agnostic and I now live in my own place in a city. My parents raised me in a very conservative way, and truth is I am thankful for it. Since my teens I've been bookish, geeky, nerdy, and while I believe I'm good looking I'm definitely not the best looking guy around the place. This al led to me looking for a good girl.I always wanted a girl who I knew came from a good family, was good in her studies, had a nice job and whom I knew would help me be a better person. It turns out, most people aren't interested in this kind of stuff, people nowadays like partying too much, sleeping around, they don't take college and work seriously... I didn't like that and that led to me being 21 years old and never having a GF. Just to be clear... I'm not a boring guy, I do go out, get drinks, party, I'm quite fun I believe... I believed I would not have sex until I met "the girl". And if "the girl" wanted us to wait until marriage, I would... Also, I thought I wanted my girl to be a virgin, like me.Turns out, just over 8 months ago in a party I met this girl, cute, smart, she's just out of college and has a nice job, she's a bit older than me (23), and I fell in love. We've been dating since the day we met, and I truly love her. She's been the first girl I've totally fallen in love with, and also the first girl I've ever dated. Just like me, she's from a small town, nice family and she's very catholic. It took me 3 months just so she would kiss me. When we had 5 months of dating I told her I was a virgin, which she did not believe. We had sex just a few days after that.Deep down I knew she was not a virgin, for she had a BF before me, but it kind of hurt knowing she had been with someone else. She met my parents and my fam and everyone loves her (as do I), and a really believe she is a girl I would definitely settle down with and marry (not now, but in a couple of years). Nevertheless, I've found that the fact that she's had sex with someone before me, hurts. I love her, and I cannot imagine that just as she has had sex with me, she's also been with someone else. Just as she loves me today, she has loved someone else. I've been wondering if a girl thinks and remembers her first guy.It pains me that I waited for this very special girl, but she could not wait for me. It pains me that while she's been the only person in my life, she's had someone before me. I cannot really take this thoughts off my head. I tried telling her how I felt (I told her I wished I'd met her before, and therefore we'd been together for much longer and she'd never been with her ex)... she told me I was being stupid and sexist (I feel guilty to even think this, but I cannot lie that I do feel this). She got pissed off and we haven't spoken in a couple of days. I told her I was really sorry, that this was all my fault and that It's me who's been having stupid ideas in my head. She told me that if I was a virgin it was my choice, but she had made her choice before (which pained me even more). I really don't know what to do, I feel hurt... I'm really in love with her. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 September 2017):
 While, of course, men like the anon have any right to tell me what it should be important or not to me, like my virginity or lack of the same, and my obligation ( ? ) to disclose informations about such a personal matter to whomever wants to know ??. Too bad that I ( and millions of other people) think that both the matter itself of virginity, male AND female, and all accounts related to it , the hows whens and whys, are totally UNimportant, futile and unwarranted. So is your " important " necessarily more ... important than my " important ", then ?
Another thing, btw, anon- your observation that " people are not more tolerant, they have just become intolerant of different thins " is interesting, and, all in all, true.
And ? So what ?
That's how life works. Things change. Values change. Rules change.
Until the 60s in USA it was ok to be intolerant of black people and make them sit in the back of the bus and use separate lavatories. Try pulling the same stint now . Now we are intolerant of racism and white suprematists.
It was also ok until recently to be intolerant of homosexual people. In UK it was a crime, penally punishable, until 1967. Now we are intolerant of homophobes, and of people who discriminate / insult / make fun of homosexuals.
In Italy, always until the 60s we were very tolerant with husbands who killed cheating wives ( honour killings ). Those who committed honour killings could count on ridicolously mild sentences, a tiny slap on the wrist . Now we have zero tolerance for honour killings and if you kill your wife , you still get 30 years , even if she was the worst slut ever.
So yes, the tolerance of a society to certain ideas , concepts and behaviour may change radically in time. And this is a good, excellent thing. It's not because a notion has been around a long time that it must be necessarily a good, sensible, TOLERABLE one.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2017): It's not about controlling women. Men have no right to tell you what your past should be. It's about letting men look for who they want. You have no right to tell them what should be important to them.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 September 2017):
Right, male anon. Suffering in silence sounds like an excellent option to me, if a person chooses to suffer for things that are none of their business.
Supposing that, I don't know, you are strongly against hair dye and you think ALL people should be happy with the hair colour that God or nature gave them - then you meet me, and suffer because I dye my hair; you can suffer if you wish, but please do it in silence, because I ( and our society ) do not allow you the liberty to give me a hard time about my private , personal choices.
This may sound like a stupid, ridicolous example, but it is only to a point- for instance, coincidentally that's exactly the position of Muslim fundamentalists about any attempt of women to beautify themselves : no make up, no nail polish, and head covered in public at all times for the sake of modesty. Because a virtous woman is modest and never does anything which might attract attention to her.
That's their rule,fine- and I guess they suffer if they see someone breaking it. If they live, though, in a place / culture / society were the rules are quite different, or where's a plurality of rules which people are free to adopt ,or not, according their own conscience and preferences, as opposed to one Rule, capital R, - then you are damn right that they'd better suffer in silence , and not have the gall to tell me what I have to do with my virginity ( or make up ) and / or to kvetch because MY rule is different !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2017): You are in the wrong now. But there was no socially acceptable way for you to have avoided this mess.
It's socially unacceptable to be asking people their sexual history when you just meet them. But it's socially unacceptable for you to find out after you are close and then have to break up over it. The only socially acceptable thing for you to do is suffer in silence.
People think they are very sexually tolerant these days. They are not. They are just intolerant of different things.
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016  +, writes (7 September 2017):
Think of it this way, when she lost her virginity, she didn't know you. Not that she didn't wait, just that she was in love w/someone else. Everyone is going to have a history and she is now w/you. It wasn't meant for you to meet at that time. I understand you feel jealous, but don't destroy what you have for something you cannot change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2017): I'm of Christian faith just like your girlfriend. We're taught that we should abstain from sex and save it for marriage; as a matter of faith and righteous-responsibility.
Even the God I know, but you doubt, forgives us for being human. Even God doesn't expect us not to fall victim to our carnal instincts, and gives us a path to redemption and forgiveness. He even suggests we humans should not judge each other, or we should be judged by His wrath.
You're but a man. A mere mortal. Full of flaws, fears, sin, imperfections, and weaknesses. You set your lofty standards in purity, and want a woman who has never loved another man??? Wow!
You've insulted this lovely young woman by expressing this sexist and egotistical ideology verbally and to her face?!!
Seriously?!!
That is most offensive, and you are very lucky if she doesn't leave you, or tell her father. I know what I'd have to say to you, if she was my daughter!
Having envy over someone you have never even met is illogical, unrealistic, and petty. Placing your judgement over her as a female; and condemning her for her past, is the most chauvinistic attitude ever!
As though she should have had some childhood precognition that you would come along someday; and she would have lived according to the condition that she should have saved herself for you!
How unbelievably arrogant you are, young man!!!
Well, true-love triumphs. If it is real.
If you are not the right man for her; Divine Intervention will send you packing, and on your way. Believe that or not.
If you can't handle it and love her for who and as she is; she deserves better. Perhaps she is intended for someone else. So what you perceive about her may have been planted in your head by a higher power, meant to steer you away.
Maybe her faith is protecting her!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 September 2017):
" Just as she loves me today, she has loved someone else ".
Yes. Precisely. That's how it works, and how it is supposed to work if we don't want 90% of mankind to die of love-related heartbreak. You meet someone, for some reason it does not work- in time ,and in the right circumstances , you love AGAIN.
There are no guarantees in love. Some people get it right the first time, and THAT love, THAT relationship lasts them a whole lifetime. Much more often, there's a first ( or second, third , etc. ) love , that , although the feelings were sincere at the time, it's not quite the right thing ,and eventually it will die down and people will part ways.
You are only 21, this can happen to you too for whatever reason. You may feel she is the one for you right now, and in a few years, or even months, realize that you aren't willing / able anymore to pursue this relationship. You'll move on, you'll meet someone else, you 'll fall in love, she'll requite your feelings... at which point I do hope she is going to sulk , harass you, and make big drama about the fact that you are not a virgin, she is not your first lover, you have loved someone else and you have had sex with that someone . I hope you'll find it as annoying, petty and infuriating as it is , and that you'll say " Aw that poor ex of mine. What a pest I was ".
I could muster more compassion for your painful feelings, if I could believe you are being genuine- alas , I don't. You sort of make it pass as if what cuts you deep is about love, emotions, feelings. The fact that she gave her heart to another man before you makes you feel less special, less precious. Yeah, I get that- but what has this got to do with her virginity ?. She had a bf, or a few bfs, before you, as you knew very well . Suppose she had not had sex with them and you had found been physically illibate. You would not have been her first love anyway !
You are not the first she fell in love with, you are not the first she kissed or held hands with, you are not the first who haunted her dreams or whom she thought of a future with. That does not seem to torment you as much, what really bothers you is... that you did not arrive first in popping her precious cork, and you can't flaunt the title of being the one who removed that precious, minuscule, frail membrane called hymen.
Please can we try to be a bit less... uh, tribal ? Primitive ?...
And please do not blame it on your Catholic upringing . I live in a country with an overwhelming Catholic majority and nobody reasons like you since at least 70 years. Your mind frame sounds more like that of an ultraconservative Muslim, one who will see in the hymen the seat of any social and moral value a woman can have.
Btw, although personally not sharing the concept of virginity as a value, I have the utmost respect for whomever, of any religion, chooses to follow a path of chastity , if this is their creed, and if they do not want to impose it on other people. But you have been a little incoherent, haven't you ? You " saved " yourself ... till the first occasion you found someone that really got you going, and who was available. And you are only 21 , so we are not talking of years and years of stark sexual self-discipline.
You should be the first to appreciate the raw strength and power of being young, feeling in love ( even if in hindsight it turns out to be just infatuation ) and feeling a strong physical atraction . This often overrides any other moral, cultural, intellectual and religious consideration : EXACTLY how it happened to you. Now that you bitch because the same thing may have happened to her a few years ago... that's a bit rich, sayz I !
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 September 2017):
 She's right, you are being stupid.
You knew that she wasn't a virgin but still went ahead with things. What do you want her to do? Travel back in time and erase her past?
Get a grip man. We all have our past experiences and you need to grow up and accept this before you push her to a point where you LOSE the woman you love. Are you seriously going to do that? Because I think that will hurt a lot more than the thought of her being someone else.
If you weren't gonna be able to deal with this knowledge then you shouldn't of proceeded with the relationship. If I were in your shoes I'd apologise for being an idiot immediately and accept the fact she has a past and if you can't do that then there's no other alternative that to break up with her and find someone who is a virgin, but even then YOU now have a sexual history so who's going to want to accept you?
See how stupid it is now?
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