A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:OK, so i have fucked up..... Multiple times and i obviously haven't learnt my lesson else i wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. Some history: I'm a single mom of a beautiful boy (Almost 3 years old). I left his father as i was no longer in love with him. We were dating for 9 months when i found out i was pregnant, at which point i was already thinking of leaving him. He was/still is a good guy with a stable job and so i was conflicted. I took the pregnancy as a sign that i was throwing away a good thing, a chance of a family which is something i have always wanted. But just over a year ago i just couldn't do it anymore (being in a relationship with no feeling) and left. So now i have met someone who i have actually been able to give my heart too 100%. Things happened really quick, within the first month of dating we were living together; Myself, My son and Him. The beginning was hard as since i left my ex, i closed up a lot and without knowing it, was keeping him at arms length and still playing the field. I didn't cheat but i did have intimate/intense conversations with about 4 males (None of whom i had met). He found out and it was ugly.... I tried ending things but he wouldn't let me go. I tried telling him that with what i have done, he will never trust me and will always be questioning my every move and i cant live like that. He begged me that if i loved him, i would give everything and everyone else up and in return he will forgive me. As far as the trust, it could be earned back.... Since then i have really kept my side clean.... In the beginning it was hard, not to be faithful or anything, but keeping him happy and building up the trust... I started to feel as if he was trying to "father" me (Always asking where i am and what im doing, going through my phone on a daily basis, answering any calls i got or messages any "guys" sent me) but i stuck through it as i knew i deserved it and it was my actions that have caused him to become like this.... He found out about everything before our first month anniversary, its been 6 months now and he is still doing it....Going through my phone ALL the time, always questioning anything that seems odd, keeps track of me (car miles to make sure i don't go anywhere). Its gotten to the point where i have to call him as soon as i get in, if i leave my desk even to go for a smoke i message him and let him know (not because he has told me too, but i feel like this is the only way to make him happy) I am willing to do it, I have no issues reporting to him on every move or decision i make, but for him to STILL accuse me of cheating cause my cheek touched the hold button while on the phone with him and put him on hold.... (I work a full time job, as soon as i leave work, i fetch my son and im straight home. If i wanna go to the shops, he goes with. If i wanna go see a friend, he goes with, if i want to go to my parents, he goes with, i no longer have any freedom to do anything on my own, it feels as if i no longer have that right. On top of that, the ONE time i asked to go somewhere alone, to go to my ex's sister's house where it would be disrespectful me bringing him (in my eyes, she looked at me like a sister, her kids looked up to me as an aunt, i will not bring my boyfriend / a stranger (they have never met him before) into her house until they have at least met in a public area and hence, no longer a stranger - You can tell me straight if i am being a bitch here) Anyways.... I told him i would even bring him with but he has to stay in the car.... He point blank refused and said "ooh well, tough. You can go when i can go with you") I have NO time nor freedom to do anything behind his back yet he is still accusing me on a weekly basis as soon as something happens... From an unknown number calling me, to my shoes being dirty)I feel like enough is enough.... He begged ME to stay, I have since given him no reason not to trust me. He has free access to my phone, he even knows all my pins and everything so he can go onto my facebook whenever... When do i draw the line? I understand that i fucked up, but how long do i have to live like this and accept it? The hard part is that since he "forced" me to stop everything (i say force because he kept me so close i couldn't do anything), letting go of all my other attachments allowed me to completely fall for him. I am in love with him in a way i have never felt before and to top it off i am pregnant with him child. What do i do? How do i make him understand that he is the only one for me and i want this family with him but if he cant trust me, i cant be with him....
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (8 September 2017):
 Oh no; I missed the part about the unborn baby. OP, this situation is so irresponsible. He's controlling and will only get worse, then you're pregnant with his baby.
Could you have used contraception? If not, I really don't think sex should have happened before a proper commitment.
OP, please don't stay with him. You've been reckless with your first child and are now pregnant with a second - neither of which were in good, stable relationships. You've had unprotected sex too early on and barely know the guys you're with. 9 months isn't very long to be with someone before risking pregnancy and 6 months is worse!
I'm sorry for how blunt this is, but you need to grow up and be more responsible. How will you look after your son as a single mother? How will you look after two babies on your own? You can't stay with this man; he wants a slave who stays at home. Your children will grow up fearing him and being controlled by him, just the way you are.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 September 2017):
 What you done does not warrant what he is doing to you, it is controlling and you need to get out off it now for your sons sake and for your unborn baby. You cannot live your life like this, call your parents and ask them to come and move you home until you get rid off him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2017): It's not about trust, it's about control.
He wants to keep you on the defensive and under his control so that you will bend to his will, and if he has to he will likely resort to verbal and possibly physical abuse to keep you under his thumb as he isolates you from your friends and family. Classic controlling, abusive boyfriend behavior.
He's dangerous and you need to start planning an exit strategy to make a safe, clean, final break-up.
And you really, really, REALLY did fuck up by allowing a virtual stranger to move in with your son; any mother who chooses a dick over her own kids' safety and well-being is an abuser in her own right.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 September 2017):
He's controlling and you need to leave. Also, you need to stop being so reckless with your son's life. You didn't even know the guy before you moved in. He could have hurt you or your son and you knew nothing about him. You wouldn't take him to your family's house before they met him in public, yet you moved your vulnerable baby in with him. That's where you went most wrong, with the addition of cheating online.However, he is manipulative and possessive. He is dangerous. Set up an escape and have someone help you and your child move out. Do not do it alone. Then cut all contact with him.Rescue yourself and your son from this situation before it gets worse and never act so foolishly, in future. You cannot risk your child with this type of spontaneity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2017): Stop taking it out on yourself! You are being trained by your boyfriend to do everything he wants and lets face it you have enjoyed it to some extent.I guess the sex must be good and I guess you mustve liked the stability for your young child.But you are feeling stifled a bit.So whats going on here if you are so inlove with him?I think you need to learn to say "so what!"I cant see why its wrong to have had conversations with other people and I think its time to take off the sackcloth and stop worrying about what he thinks or wants.With a new baby on the way you should give your man some "Shape up as a dad" moves.You can think of them in your spare time when your not doing anything else?What should he be doing for you?All that underlyinging angst isnt good for your new baby so tell him you need peace and calm and trust because stress is not good for your unborn child and sail on as the mothership you are.He is being controlling and only you can reorganise your mind.You havent fucked up so get that straight its just that your bloke has serious trust issues of his own!But he cant birth your baby!You do that bit and you wont be asking permission for your waters to break either because God put the baby in you and not him. But yes he had the sex that made the baby but that doesnt make him omnipotent! However you feel about him you had better start to recognise the strength of your own gender.You have your own power within!You need to acknowledge that before you try to make him change out his current mode.He may be unchangeable in the long run but you should assign to him what you expect from him before you give up entirely and just believe that you are a silly girl who needs to be told what to do.Ask him if he's got enough money to pay for the childs education and he may start to use his brain in new ways.Of course your life is your own and your decisions are your own so as he is driving you crazy you could tell him to slow down the pace.How does he feel about the pregnancy and is it a secret?All this angst over some phonecalls?Or is he getting aggressive?Maybe you can unwind a bit and figure it out.He cant be everywhere all the time and neither can you so you could try to coordinate when necessary.And communicate. And get a routine for yourselves so you dont end up phoning him to tell him you are in the loo or the shower.Or just shrug it off and forget it because by now your probably at it like crazy. And its not my fault!Or yours so why the peak of stress unless its the pregnancy or you just needed to moan about him.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (7 September 2017):
 He sounds like a control freak, and you are letting him do this because of some retrospective guilt you feel. You need to reclaim yourself.
Even if you were married there are things that remain private to you. There are things you don't have to share. Draw a line in the sand now or your future with this man will be excruciating.
In fact perhaps you should think about extricating yourself before it gets worse.
Either he trusts you or he doesn't. It isn't going to change.
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A
male
reader, stayshock  +, writes (7 September 2017):
lol Honestly he probably will never trust you but over time you could get him to the point where he'll give you the benefit of the doubt. You'd have to be a saint for at least two years before you see a change in him.Men already don't trust as it is, plus you messed up by meeting others while you were still attached. Men think if she do that him she'll do that to me. The more he knows about your ways the less your connection becomes. How you met, things you've done in the past and fast-paced interactions with family or friends................these all play a part in a man's trust factor. If he has that view of you from the beginning then he will only cover up how he feels. You're in a tough position and your going to have to make serious adjustments to yourself before I think he will lighten up.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (7 September 2017):
You may never be able to get him to give you the space you need. You will never be sure what came first, your cheating or his desire to control you, but that is the way he is now- You may have tested his trust but this is going way too far- the thing is you will really struggle to set proper boundaries because if you do it now after accepting his control he will automatically assume that you have something to hide. No partner should be able to tell you where you can go, who you can see, how late you can be out. Its not a relationship its a prison. You should consider going to couples therapy to see if you can break this cycle of mistrust and control. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2017): My advice is that talk and clarify everything regarding your relationship .. You two should speak both for your side .. If he still dont trust you then u need to accept and endure the consequences of the mistakes you did .. But it should also be your partner to try gaining the trust .. Yoy cant also be mad at him for not giving his trust to you because its difficult but the least y can do is to make everything that you can and never trigger his trust to u because you have ruined his trust already
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