A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a long post and I don't have a specific question really - I am just unsure of what to do.I have never had a boyfriend or dated; I rarely am approached by guys. I'm a great person but I just don't have the "it" that attracts men. I never dated in high school but I didn't let it bother me, I just thought I would finally start dating in university. That never happened. Recently I joined a dating website but I have found it to be a negative experience.I was sending smiles to guys I was interested in but I would rarely get a response back; I have spoken to a few guys online but I haven't felt a connection; one guy asked to see my picture and then immediately stopped talking to me; another guy I smiled at emailed to ask if I was interested in being his friend with benefits. At first I did not take it personally, but slowly I began to feel negatively about myself and my self-image suffered.I'm starting to believe that I haven't dated because I'm not considered worthwhile to men. And it's a snowball effect - I wasn't "good enough" in high school, university and now because I have little experience, I am even more undesirable.Now I am feeling hopeless because who wants to just hold hands with me when other (apparently) better girls will do more.I have spent most of my time focusing on myself and my other goals and interests but what should I do now? I am interested in guys and I want to love and be loved and have romantic experiences. Why is this so difficult for me?
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friend with benefits, never had a boyfriend, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bootyboot  +, writes (9 March 2009):
Keep on focusing on making your own life good, dear.
Now I know it sucks when your friends all have boyfriends and you're always the single girl..hello, me until I was 25, and finally I landed one! Sure I got asked out a lot and went on some dates, but they either the guy disappeared after a few dates or I wasn't interested. I was so depressed during college and after, thinking, wow I will die alooonnneee. Now isn't that sad.
But I'll tell you why all these years 25 I was alone..because:
1) I thought that if I kept a distance and hung back, guys would just come to me..nope. They don't want to approach a girl with a look of unapproachability or her face and her arms crossed. I was really shy and afraid of rejection-are you?
2) I am pretty darn funky, follow the beat of my own drum, and my style might have been a turn-off because it was so different from the other girls. I'm sure there are guys who like that, but not in my social circles. they always went for the 'sweet' girls who wore boring j-crew sweaters.
3) I had high standards, as in i would find one little thing about him i didn't like and magnify it. i never would give the poor guy a chance and instead ran away.
4) i am a bitter cynic, obviously you can tell by now. I was always thinking these men were such jerks for picking the pretty but bland girl who didn't have the pizaz I had! how dare they?! well, they dared because I was sending off these negative vibes, and who wants someone like that?
Do any of these things connect with you, now be honest. Are you shy? Are you intimidated by guys? are you usually the funny one, or arty one, or smart one but not the datable one? yup, that was me..but here's what i did:
I started to change my body language..this is key. Be more open, put yourself out there, smile! Act happy, because that is attractive. Find happiness for yourself and they will be drawn to it.
I began to dress a bit more approachable. I still kept the funky essence of my style, but I toned it down.
I decided i would be more open to giving a guy a chance. the one i am with, well, i wasn't into him at all at first, in fact i almost turned him down!
i decided i would be a little more aggressive, let a guy know i was interested in him instead of just waiting, hoping one day he'd come to me.
trust me girl, your time will come, but please follow my advice! I live in a big city where the competition to land a guy is fierce, so it wasn't easy. but after 25 long years, i finally did it.
And so can you, so hang in there!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): I disagree what I look for in guys and girls is a beautiful personality I appreciate a guy or gal making them self look extra nice but see it purely as a bonus.
They dont have to dress sluty or show skin to get my attention.
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A
female
reader, Anonny  +, writes (29 December 2008):
Satindesire is right! - Its like first appearances do count!
Having said that - I have never been too bothered about my appearance - I just make sure I wear something that I'm happy with and don't get overweight so that I can fit into most clothes!
For me - I think it has always been a combination of personality & looks that attract guys. But like you - I was a late starter - I never dated in school and often found that when I was asked on a date it was by someone I didn't want! - But one day someone you like will come along - just don't expect it too soon!
So just keep on being you and keep on top of your appearance and you should be fine!
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A
male
reader, IndianGuide  +, writes (29 December 2008):
Read the Secret.
Transform your clearing and universe will align.
Just be passionate about your life. Go to a new class, take up a new hobby, essentially meet new people, things will happen.
Stop looking for guys, you will have more than you care for.
And please DO NOT CHASE GUYS. It does not work
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): If youv got a great personality (which you sound like you have) then there fools not to be intrested in you! Make a guy fall for YOU not how you look. Thats just an outer shell that covers up whats on the inside which is what really counts. And dont forget that your beautiful on the inside and you'd be surprised at how many "popular and pretty" girls are empty.
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