A
female
age
36-40,
*storeyfire
writes:hey i dont live with my parents anymore but ive a huge prob with my father and its affected me my whole life. He always lived with us and hes not physically abusive or anything but he is the coldest most withdrawn person. He always expects my mother to do every little thing for him, even when she hurt her hand he still expected her to cut him a slice of bread, he is totally inconsiderate mean nasty and horrible, he makes snide comments about my friends and what i want to do in college. When Im at home at the weekend he never wants to give me a lift anywhere. My older bro hates him and my young bro is a social recluse prob because of the way we were dragged up. I have depression and have been suicidal. My relatiopnships with other men are non existent i have always tried so hard with them that it scares them prob bcos deep down i never have felt accepted by a man. My father has never celebrated christmas or birthdays he never hugs or kisses anyone EVER. All he ever talks about is his day and refuses to acknowledge that times change. I know this is all very complicated but id love to know if anyones had a similar experience or advice???
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Sometimes I think of life as a hand of cards that you're dealt. You can be dealt the best of hands, or a very bad one; but what you do with your cards is what matters.
You had the misfortune of having a bad father. I know it hurts and affects you badly, but, think of it as a challenge. Don't spend another minute worrying about what he does or doesn't do; just go on with your life, in the best way you can. When you accept that you can't change him, but, instead, that your life won't be over for that reason, you will begin to make real progress. Trust me.
You may not have the best hand, but you can be a smart player, can't you?
A
male
reader, WastedLife  +, writes (30 April 2008):
He's your dad, and without him you would not be here. He fed and housed your family, all the while probably hurting inside. I realize you have serious damage and you need to heal, and I really empathize - my dad was that way because he was brought up that way, and he got stuck fighting wars. Something you can realize is that you are now an adult and can make your own way in life. You need not see him, but it would be good to do simple, respectful things, like Christmas and birthday cards, etc. Keep your distance and realize that men for the longest time were taught to be just like him - it was, and sometimes still is expected. It's hard on everyone, and generally, we all mellow with age, but that can take a long time.
For now, I would get the pieces of your life in order - do the ones you can handle alone immediately, and get friends, male and female. Find an older couple you like that have a good relationship and model your way of being after them. If you can, avoid blaming our dad, or being guilty about anything. Blame and guilt lock old patterns into place. Allow your dad to be who he is and allow for change. Meanwhile, you can focus on being the best woman you can be, and nurture the qualities of friendliness, candor, honesty and integrity. Be properly proud of who you are without excess, and let yourself be available to the guys you want to be with. Use the guy in your model couple as a measure of who you are looking to be with. Remember always that your dad has something wonderful in him, though there may be a lot that he could improve. One day he will get old and die, and you will only have memories. I hope by then that the memories will be good ones, and you will have found YOUR way.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (30 April 2008):
This guy is horrible so move out and get yourself a life.
You can stay in contact with your mum but you don't really need to have any more contact with your dad once you are out from under his roof. I bet your brothers would happily move it with you if you need someone to help share the rent.
As for the whole finding a boyfriend issue, just chill out. If you know you are being crazy around them then stop doing it. You have seen how awful your dad is to your mum so just make sure you find a man who is completely different to him and be yourself.
Just because someone is family, it doesn't mean you have to stay with them and keep making the effort.
Good Luck!! xx
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