A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 13 years and have 2 children. My husband has had terrible bouts with alcohol and just recently decided to go to AA. I feel he is really trying, but I hold years of resentment from the pain he has caused my family emotionally and financially. Over the past year, my oldest son has been playing on a competitive select soccer team. His coach is a few years younger than me, single, and very good looking. I felt a mutual attraction immediately, but wrote it off as a little crush- almost like a game. Of course as the year progressed and we got to know each other better, we began a friendship. He and I would both make excuses to talk on the phone or see each other. He actually finally made his move after 10 months. He told me he has been falling in love with me over the last few months, and we kissed intensely late at night while at a tournament. After this I couldn't stop thinking about him, and apparently he couldn't stop thinking about me. We met up about 2 weeks ago and landed up having sex. It was so intense and I think we both completely wanted it and enjoyed it. He continued to call and text until a few days ago. Now nothing. I miss him and want to see him again. He is no longer my son's coach so I have no reason to have any contact with him. This is not so much about the sex, but I miss him as a person and I thought he had feeling for me as well. Why did he just stop contacting me? He has not dated anyone in years and I know he doesn't go out and pick up women. He is actually quite shy and our encounter was very difficult for him to pursue. Is he just confused or is he over me already?
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 July 2009):
 Ok enough already with the mud throwing. Stuff like this arouses strong emotions as many people who write here have been cheated or wronged in some way, so your gonna take a few bites.
Im glad you have come to your senses over this, you obviously have had a rough ride with your husband...and I know what it's like to have to switch off when the abuse gets too much. I divorced my husband after taking 20 years of crap...so I really do sympathise (My husband refused to get help). If however you think there is a chance to save things then give it a really good go.
You probably needed the ego boost after being sidelined by your husbands problems and thats understandable. The grass isn't always greener, but you have to decide whether to stay or go...or get your own grass (like I had to).
You've learned from the coach incident...forget it now and focus on your marriage...if it fails, at least you gave it your best shot.
with love and LOADS of encouragement
Aunty Em xxxxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): I CANNOT BELIEVE YOUR AUDACITY!!!"So for once in the last 13 years I put myself first and did something I wanted to do without thinking about anything else. Is that so wrong?" you call us judgemental just because we have told you some harsh truths about yourself. and your justification of having sex with someone else. Please now give me a break! How can you not see that your actions of having an affair was wrong. believe me, we are not perfect but maybe you should look at the stranger in your mirror. your clouded judgement is really getting the better of you. now maybe you will claim that the alcohol made you cheat. please! stop shift blaming. stop lieing that you love your hb. you are using him as an excuse but i am guessing i am wasting my energies here. you did nothing wrong. satisfied? your affair was not wrong. satisfied? there i have said what you wanted to hear. satisfied? get of your high horse!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): Some of you are just so harsh--wow. The Husband-- I am ready to try again. I made a mistake now it is time to learn from it. I guess some of you have never been in an alcoholic relationship where you are verbally and sometimes physically abused by a drunk spouse. It is difficult to get beyond the resentment. Yes, it felt good to be wanted and just do something I wanted to do. No, divorce is not an answer right now since he is trying to get his life in order, but as for feelings of love for my husband--??? I do love him, but I think the it was clouded by all the turmoil he caused over the last few years. So for once in the last 13 years I put myself first and did something I wanted to do without thinking about anything else. Is that so wrong? I can't believe how judgemental everyone is as though you are all so perfect. Give me a break and maybe some encouragement that maybe I can get beyond this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): so basically you just used this man to satisfy your sexual urges, with no feelings attached. i actually feel sorry for this man and your hb. why do you feel resentment towards your hb, you spread your legs not him. at least he is trying to make his life count again. what are you doing? when i first read your post i said shame, this woman is a victim, but hell NO, you are not. you are selfish and its time to grow up. soccer mom, getting it on with the coach was just so dumb. you thought you were in control with this coach, but he was. he just got some and abondoned you. maybe try working on the relationship with your hb, if you have to give it away try giving it to him instead. at least he will not use you and abandone you. if you just cannot be faithful to your man, then end the marriage. your hb deserves a woman in his life who will remain FAITHFUL and COMMITTED TO THE MARRIAGE.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): OK-- so I got your posts. Thanks, but I think I am over it. As for being used, I think the issue is more about control. I liked feeling in control of the situation and was very honest about where I stood on all of this-- no feelings. He on the other hand was talking feelings. So when he limited his contact, I felt like I had lost control over everything. I absolutely see no future in all of this and certainly do not want to hurt my children. I just enjoyed feeling "alive" again after years of emotional upheaval. I am rational and actually a strong independent woman who would normally never succumb to something so absurd. I had been "hit on" many times over the course of my marriage, but never even thought to let it evolve into anything. Why this was different? I am still not sure, but I think I can just move on and put it behind me. We are good as long as we don't have to see each other. When we see each other, it just starts over again, but I am trying desperately to get beyond that as well. No contact means No contact.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): Oh dear, I'm sure you're a very intelligent woman and I say this; I'm sure you're not the first frustrated soccer mom he's had sex with. and I bet the house that you won't be the last one either. It doesn't matter if he's single or not, he's a player and he got you good. When he noticed you were getting too clingy, he took the ball and went home. that's what players do.
I've done it myself. but I'm a single guy so I'm not hurting third parties.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 July 2009):
Your husband is making an effort to sort out his alcohol problems and you should at least be trying to show some support. You also have your children to consider. If your truly not happy then leave and start anew. This is extremely difficult to do...and even moreso if your involved with someone else (like the coach).
My thinking is that he was flirting with you and maybe thought things could be contained because you are married, despite all the sweet talk and promises. They got out of hand and you had sex with him. Having sex like this, when its someone casual usually only means one thing...it's game over. He's probably bonking half the other mums as well!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): First of all-- it sounds like she does know this guy quite well so I do not think he is hiding any secret marriage or relationship. I think he is probably a nice guy who is now utterly confused by his actions. He obviously knows it was wrong to "fall" for someone he can't have and now rethinking the situation since it was brought to a new level
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): There are actually two seperate issues here.
The first is your resentment towards your husband.
It is perfectly reasonalbe that you harbor these resentments. Addiction is a family desease and effects everyone close to the addict/alcoholic. If you want to make your marriage work you will have to get help too. You will have to learn to let go of the anger and be a willing partner. You will have to learn how to encourage his progress in recovery and to stop being an enabler.
There are to help you in the process, if you wish to seek them out. Alonon would be the first step in the process.
Issue number two...the coach. You say he doesn't date, or go out to clubs, and that he is quite shy. He is probably feeling extreme guilt and remorse for allowing himself to become envolved with a married woman.
You're decision now would be whether you want to repair your marriage, or want to be single (with or without the coach) There are no garauntees in life. Leaving your husband will not garauntee a relationship with the other man.
Whatever you decide, I wish you well!
Britt
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (7 July 2009):
He's probably feeling awful because he had sex with a married woman. That's not a great thing to have on your conscience.
Your husband may be awful, but if you are choosing to stay with him then you are choosing to be faithful. If that will make you miserable then you can't blame anyone else. It's your choice to stay or go.
If you want to be happy with someone else then leave your marriage and do that.
Until you have answered the question about whether you would be happy staying with your husband or whether you'd be happier single with the chance of meeting someone new, you can't really complain if this new guy chooses to stay out of it.
Sort your self out and then give him a call.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (7 July 2009):
First repeat after me "It's not ok to cheat on my husband no matter what the circumstance". Now say that a few times out loud until it sinks in.You're now a cheater, and that's not a good place to be. You've now turned yourself into a liar and untrustworthy person. If you want out of your marriage then get out. File for divorce and move out, that way you can date whomever you want. It is not ok to cheat!You don't know anything about this guy, he could be married, he could be in a serious relationship, you have no idea, but you slept with him anyway. He can project to you any type of personality because you don't know him. You could be one of many soccer mom's that he slept with and now that you're trying to get more serious he's cut off all communications with you.Face it, you were a booty call. You've been used.
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