A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Before starting, let me state that this is not your "typical" issue - at least I hope other people are not in similar situations. I'm a professional woman in my 40's with 2 grown children and a great career. I've been married for 24 years and it's had it's up and downs (more downs than ups). I've been faithful to my spouse for the first 23 years. But he's severly biploar and living with him has been a nightmare rollercoaster. Unless you've ever been with someone mentally ill you may not be able to relate to just how painful this can be. He's quit or been fired from his past 3-4 jobs and I've become the primary breadwinner for the past 15 years. I've had to commit him to a hospital to keep him from killing himself while carrying two babies in my arms. He's under a doctor's care and taking many meds, but the meds don't "cure" him. They only make it tolerable. Once my children were grown I decided I would leave him. They left for college last year and then I lost my job and eventually found a job in another state. I now commute between two states - one week in each state (home one week - away one week). I'm not sure how it happened but I met a man in this other state and now live with him. He thinks I am going through a divorce (that was always my plan, but I can't get myself to actually do it). I also am seeing someone back in my home state. I can't believe I'm in this position. I can rationalize this a million different ways. But I literally woke up one day and went off the deep end. I am in need of some sort of "normalcy". By normalcy I mean being with a man who isn't dependent on me for his income, roof over his head, medication, doctor appointments, etc.. My husband is more like my child and I'm tired of being a mother to him. I wanted a normal relationship - and actively looked for it starting 1 year ago. It's like I woke up from a coma after 20 years and want my 20 years back. I'm attractive, smart and confident so finding men was not difficult. But now I need to make a decision - move on or stick with my husband and stop seeing these other men. Every time I think I'm ready to file divorce papers my husband does something to make me either feel sorry for him or remind me of why I married him in the first place (I had no idea he was bipolar when we married..we only figured that out later with the help of many, many doctors). Amazingly I feel no guilt. I'm also not that worried about getting caught. Which I guess should be telling me something about my marriage. But my husband can also be a warm, loving man who treats me well when he's feeling well. Maybe I'm walking away from a great thing and just not aware ofo it? He's handsome and smart - but I just can't handle the mood swings. Most women fawn over him and would kill to be with my husband - I'm sure. Maybe I just have too many bad memories and even though he's now medicated I just can't forget the very bad times since they spanned 20 years and it's ingrained in my mind. I've been to 20+ therapists trying to help him and they tell me it will never change. I feel like I'm living 3 lives right now - having some sort of out-of-body experience. HELP! What in the heck am I doing??? Have I lost my mind? What SHOULD I be doing??--------[Mod note: Thank you for writing to DC. In the future, we would appreciate it if you could write your posting in short paragraphs - like what we have done here for you. The objective is to make it very reader friendly. Thanks again and good luck]
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female
reader, jk90254 +, writes (10 October 2012):
I cannot believe I found this. i am at my wits' end and sleeping in the other room to get away from my bipolar husband's cold almost non existent presence. when we first met i thought he was just a casual drinker and he did let me know he was bipolar during our relationship. i reseached bipolar extensively and decided i can do this. we married over a year ago. he became a raging alcoholic and just treated me like dirt treated his family like dirt and managed to alienate his entire family and friends. i moved with him to the midwest to help regain custody of his daughter living with his baby mama who is also a certifiable psycho. we still yet have to regain any custosy whatsoever and it now has been well over 4 years. his family members have helped me cope with this and have even urged me to pack uo and go back to california. in the midst of me considering this..my husband came down with pancreatitis. we later found out it is of the chronic nature and has been suffering from pain this whole past year. i lost my job due to too many absences and cancellation of key business trips to drive him to hospitals to take care of his pancreatitis. and to boot he cannot work he is on disability. i suddenly went from bringing in a six digit income down to $1200 a month in unemployment and work about 8 hours a day looking for jobs and interviewing. To be honest my husband has stayed sober due to the fact that if he drinks again he will die. period. he pats himself on the back for his sobriety but i do not. he wad asked over and over again to seek help his parents had spent so much time and energy to send him to the best rehabs money can buy. never worked. he would ask me to make phone calls and find him places to go then when presented with his options..drunk and says i am not ready and you cannot make me. Now he whines about his pancreatic pain everyday and blames the world for his pain. never does he show remorse for how he fucked up his own body from booze but thinks all doctors do not understand him. he currently is on vicodin for his pain that he has built a tolerance to. we just got back from the er earlier this evening and when they did not givw him oxy he became pissy. this is now making me question if his pain is actually as bad as he makes it appear to be or is he now pill popping versus boozing to self medicate his bipolar misery?I realize that i made my own decision to go down this road and i have to take reaponsibility. but when someone buys needless crap in amazon.com nearly everyday while we do not have two nickels to rub together i myself do not have health insurance should something happens to me, i continually seek new employment while he wallows kn self pity and watches movies he bought on amazon all day. A few of you here have shared your feelings of potential adultery. i have never cheated on a significant other before but i am now beginning to understand why. due to his medical condition we have sex maybe once every two months..prior to that he was drunk all the time mixed with meds so he could never get it up. he says he wants a baby with me..i am soon going to break the news to him that is not what i want. he does not even have access to the kid he already has with his psycho ex and i do mean crrrazzy. now his daughter at the tender age of six is showing signs of bipolar and to be honest i do not know if i will be able to handle that. Metaphysically my life has gone to shit..he asks me how i am doing and if i begin to talk he talks over me with his problems being far more intense than mine. so i dont talk to him anymore other than me listening to his rants. and at times if i make any comment he just loses his shit on me then decides to send me nasty facebook messages. he then expects me to apologize. i used to now i just ignore it. i am tired. he takes no accountability through action he now demands that i talk to jis ten plus doctors he deals with because he has too much anxiety to do so. i am on the phone everyday with potential employers for phone interviews and often now having to reschedule already scheduled calls in order to take him to the frickin hospital on a whim when phhsically nothing has changed he is sick in the head. Due to the limited opportunities here where I live to regain work making the money I once made I am relocating for the right opportunity. he is committed to staying in kansas city to try to fight to gain custody of his daughter. i am considering setting up a residence here in kansas for him to live in and we have three dogs that i adore but he would never let me take them with me. he takes piss poor care of them has not once driven them to the vet himself and spent vet monies on his stupid shit shopping sprees but yet he needs them around he says..again self absorbed.I am planning to find a job elsewhere commute there during work weeks and come home on weekends or every other weekend. i am to a point where i would not even care if he cheated on me while i was gone..that will give me the perfect out. i often think of my ex whom i had broken up with to be with my husband and miss him. he was fun, loving, adventurous and great in the sack. i sometimes am tempted to reach out to him for a visit to feel loved again but i feel badly that i am adulteress. but my husband has no interest in my life and bipolar or not iit feels shitty to me and makes me feel alone. i do not even like sleeping next to him i might as well be sleeping next to a corpse. he says that i do not touch him enough..i try and i do and he has no reciprocation. who wants that? I am starting to feel alienated or i should say have felt that way for a long time. he has no interest in getting to know me as a person and he is a 35 year old man who has the maturity of a 16 year old diva. i just cannot deal anymore. i do not know if i can waste anymore of my life knowing that i will never have any children of my own with him if i stay married to him. this was not a good decision i made. i do not have it in me to carry on a career, take care of him and his bipolar daughter and on top of that any kids of my own. i want my lively life back when i used to be around friends hobbies and no negativity. the last four years of my life has sucked the life out of me.
A
female
reader, orgongirl +, writes (15 September 2009):
Your story is so understood by me I felt alone and went thru so much waiting for my husband to be diagnosed with bipolar. After 28 years of marriage we are finally going thru divorce. I praise and appreciate all the spouses that go thru bipolar with a partner you can not fully understand a situation until you have to go thru it. I was always looking for a support group and unfortunately didnt find one. Being his care taker, wife and mother it is really hard to say goodbye and I hope from what I gave to us we can stay friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2009): Wow- I could have written your post. I am probably you ten years ago- also attractive, smart, confident professional woman but my two kids are 3 and 1 and I am 37. My husband is also bipolar and sounds just like your husband in so many ways. I have not had an affair but I am seriously contemplating it. Honestly- I am basically my husband's caretaker and I do care about him but I get absolutely zero from the relationship. When I say zero I mean Z-E-R-O. He does work, thank God, but when he is home he does nothing but lay on the couch and watch TV for hours and hours on end, or he plays golf with his buddies. I am virtually alone and am virtually a single mother. We have had sex about once or twice a year for the last four - five years. I am so lonely and am just dying for companionship and yes, for someone to take care of me once in a while. My secretary was telling me how she came home from work on a bad day and her husband had a glass of wine waiting for her and had set the table outside and made dinner. I started crying because I just thought that was so nice. On July 4th my husband shocked me by saying "let's go for an ice cream cone with the boys" - that was the most we have done together in ages. I am very attracted to a colleague or mine (who is divorced). I think it is mutual. He knows all about my husband and his issues. I am so tempted to start seeing him. I would divorce my husband in a second if I did not feel like I need to take care of him because he really has no one else. If you want to email me back my email is [email address blocked]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): Try not to leave him. If he loves you, he doesn't deserve any more mess-ups in his life after losing his jobs and having to cope with his condition. I'm sure it can't have helped other relationships, either. He probably hates having to be completely dependent on you, but if you leave him, what will he do?
I think you should speak to him and if he loves you, he will be happy to strike a compromise. See if you can be there for him as a 'just friends' kind of thing, and if you want someone else... well, i don't think he can begrudge you that after everything you have to do for him.
It doesn't really matter if you get a divorce or not, it's only a legal contract after all. It doesn't affect how you feel for someone. But I suggest delaying an official divorce until you are going through less stressful times. It will only make life harder for you if you go through all that bother now.
I sympathise with you greatly, and hope this has been of some help...
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (16 April 2009):
 You having an affair - or two - probably started as an escape from your troubled marriage. Bipolar is not a disease therefore it cannot be "cured". It can be managed only. In many cases, patients with bipolar disorder have to be re-evaluated periodically, as each person is so unique that doctors have to reassess the dosage as well as type of medication given. The thing about being bipolar is that the episodes can come and go any time, even with medication. It could last minutes, hours, days, months. Very unpredictable sometimes. The manic (high) episodes could be "good" and the "depressive" (low) ones not so good. So yes, a roller coaster ride for you, but also draining for the person with the disorder. And yes, you are always on the edge, thinking "when and what is the next episode that is going to happen". You also doubt yourself whether the person in rage is actually your husband, or the disorder taking control. Bipolarism (genetics as well as externally induced) is caused by lack of certain "chemicals" surrounding the nerve+brain cells that function to transfer messages from one synapse to the next. So in short, he cannot change because medicine has yet to come up on how to "manufacture" these "organic brain chemicals"If you both are strong enough for this, stay in the marriage but expect the unexpected rollercoaster.If both have strong love for each other, enough to "release" each other, then this may be the best way out. With this, of course, each party has to look at finances so that it should be sufficient to live on as your usual standard (you) and for medical support (him). As for your affairs, you may need to take a break to reassess the situation, which one you want to be with. Providing that you are legally separated from your husband (or sa Uncle Phil said, have separate but discreet households).Last step, is to forgive yourself, and your husband. Let go, and be at peace with yourself. From here on, hopefully you will find your happiness again.Good luck, and hope that you will find the best solution soon.Cat
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): you husband being bipolar is something i will discuss since i do not have too much insight into the bipola condition But, what concerns me is that besides your husband, you are sleeping with 2 other men. Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous. i will not go into the stories you keep on hearing about how wrong affairs are, because you say you do not feel guilty and that you are not worried about getting caught.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): You must have an iron constitution to have suffered like this for 20 years or more. I can't really tell you what to do or who to be with because only you can decide that.
What I will say is you only have one life, it's not a rehearsal and you're about halfway through yours. Can you see yourself carrying on as before for the rest of your days? If not it's time to re-evaluate where you want to be in life. Everyone deserves happiness and you don't look like achieving any if you stay where you are. I know the marriage vows say something about sickness and health, but if your husband's illness is making you ill you should perhaps do something about it.
I know of a couple in a similar situation to yours. Until a few years ago they were at each others' throats most of the time. They're strict Catholics and divorce is out of the question, so they've resolved the situation by staying married, still live together but both of them have other people in their lives. As long as one of them doesn't flaunt their 'indiscretions' in the face of the other everyone is reasonably happy about the whole situation and it's a pretty much tension-free household these days.
It's not your fault that your husband is bipolar and neither is it his. Mental illness is a terrible thing to have to cope with and I think you've done admirably so far. It seems like you've done all that could be expected of you and more. Many lesser women would have packed their bags and moved on years ago.
Whatever you decide to do in the end, I wish you all the best for the future.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (16 April 2009):
 you clearly are not hapy at all in your marriage and you've seeked comfort in another man whose taking care of you rather than you constantly taking care of him.you've obviously had tough life to lead with this man and perhaps it's time you let this lie and stay with the guy you are with as you said he's got a roof over his head money of his own and he's not asking you to be at his beckoned callyou clearly have missed having someone there to look after you and it's obviously taking its toll on you your husband maybe loving and warm but he's got an illness that you've always had to look after him for and it's about time now that someone looked after you.i'd let the marriage go and be somewhere you feel happy and relaxed rather than on a constant stand by.best of luck!hope this helps.:)
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