A
female
age
30-35,
*aime90
writes:When me and my boyfriend met his baby was 2 months old but because things had turned ugly with the ex he had no contact with his daughter and had only ever seen her twice. One night he broke down to me telling me he cried everynight over it and he doesnt know what to do. He told me he loves me more then his baby and he regrets having her and thinking back he wishes he told the ex to get the morning after pill. Finally around 5 months later the ex started allowing him to see his daughter.When the ex figured out it this meant she could palm her daughter off she became so keen for him to take her to his place (she is an irresponsible idiot!) She changes the arrangements all the time, dropping her off and picking her up when it suits her (sometimes at 12 at night). She always plays guilt trips when it isnt even his weekend and says fine if you wont take her i will leave her and my son at the babysitters all weekend.Now he gets the baby every second weekend, and i find myself dreading these weekends. She sleeps in the same room as us and i guess i hate it. We dont get sleep, we never get our studies done because she requires SO much attention. I feel terrible but im not ready to be a mother figure as im cleaning up for her bathing her feeding and putting her to sleep to help my bf. I resent the weekends we spend looking after her we stay at home the whole weekend and its so boring. He has to be occupying her 24/7, his whole family gives her too much attention and she gets everything she wants. She is so spoilt she will cry if you put her down and scream until you pick her up and give her what she wants. I know shes just a little baby but shes so naughty and its begining to annoy me! I feel like now he loves me less because all his attention is going to her and he is forgetting about me. I told him how i feel and he said why are you trying to compete with her, shes my daughter. I have been there every weekend since she has been coming over and i dont know why i dont feel an attatchment to her? i feel like i should love her but i dont know why i dont?My boyfriend has become boring he NEVER wants to go out and if he does he says he feels like he shouldnt drink now because he is a dad, but it didnt bother him a few months ago. Im 18 and he is 23 and although i am over going clubbing and drinking every weekend i do want to go out sometimes but he doesnt ever want to. I dont know what to do, anyone with advice or answers to what i should do i would appreciate it so much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): You are 18 years old and do not know what a child means to they're paretns because you are not a parent youself. You are just a child yourself and an immature one at that.
To be harshly honest, you sound disgustingly jealous and I do not think this relationship is good for you, and even less the poor innocent baby who does need her fathers undivided attention and love.
I have to agree with your boyfriend and I feel that you want to compete with the baby for his attention. Remember you are his girlfriend and not his child. Be mature about the situation and take it for what it is worth. I hope your boyfriend doesn't stick with you if he knows you feel this way. Because if I were him I would have sent you packing the minute you displayed any jealousy towards the baby.
You seem to be on the right path as far as school. I recommend that you stick to that and let that be your focus in life right now. If you can't handle a man with a child then find a man without one.
If he admits it or not he does and will always love that baby ... for heaven sakes it is his own flesh and blood.
So my advice to you is to grow up and get over it or move on. Your boyfriend would probably love you more if you were positive about the whole situation and were supportive of him being there for his child. Do you know how many children don't have they're parents in they'e lives. She needs her Dad more then you need her Dad. So stop being so selfish. You sound like a pissy little girl having a tantrum. Seems like your the one who needs a diaper change!!
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (1 November 2008):
 Your doing all the right things now so just take it one step at a time OK.
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reader, deejuliet  +, writes (30 October 2008):
 Please do! Keep us posted!
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reader, jaime90 +, writes (30 October 2008):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou both, great answers! Ill keep you up to date after the weekend about how it goes.
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (29 October 2008):
Thanks to deejuliet and yes she had some other very valid points.
Good for you to take some time out for you and give your bf the one on one time he may need with his daughter, this is a good compromise as you are not deserting him but you are also letting him find his feet too. He will appreciate you so much more when you do offer your help but don't be too free with it i.e. bath time. Men can sometimes worry that they are not doing it right and women know it all, we don't but they just think we do so let him get wet and even at this age he could share a shallow bath with her if he wants much easier than getting soaked outside of the bath.
The main thing is this baby is not yours and that is the crux of the matter, your bond with her won't be the same as her mother or even her father so once you identify that aspect you can be there for her as a friend and someone who takes care of her when daddy is busy.
Playing with her with also help, tickling her tummy or blowing bubbles on it they love.
There are all sorts of play centres that can help with babies growing up and can help they occupy themselves as well. Keeping her stimulated with also make for a happier baby to.
Getting her out in the fresh air so long as she is wrapped up well will also mean that she may sleep if there is a car journey involved, however what I would say is that don't expect her to sleep too much in the day as this will lead to a lot of sleepless nights as she isn't that tired then. To a degress give her the naps in the day but not for too long, there are also helpful parenting books that may help your bf as well and you, none of us are experts when it comes to a baby for the first time, it is a steep learning curve.
As my ex always said, a computer he could cope with as it came with a manual but babies just don't come with a manual and so you wing it all the time.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (28 October 2008):
Good for you! I think it is a wonderful idea to take some time on your own and to give him some time to be alone with his daughter. You can go out with girlfriends or get your studying done. That way when you are over there you will not feel so resentful. I do want to address a couple things from your post. First off, babies are not spoiled by too much holding. She may cry when she is put down, but that is not because she is spoiled, but because she has a need. Babies need to be held and held often. There are actually little pouches and slings made for just this purpose and because of this need. I 'wore' both my sons almost constantly their first year, and they became very independent, well adjusted toddlers. You spoil a child by giving her too many toys and sweets, not by giving her too much love and affection.
Also, I do not like the way your boyfriends ex seems to be manipulating him and dumping their daughter on you two. He needs to stand up to setting boundries and schedules. If she threatens to leave the baby with a sitter all weekend tell her to go for it! I think she will find in very short order that that wont work for long. The sitter wont likely put up for it and the mom wont be able to afford it. That would be expensive!!
Otherwise, I think country woman gave you some excellant advice!
good luck!
dee
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (28 October 2008):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much for taking the time to post that you have some really helpful information. This weekend is his weekend to have her but i am going to stay home until saturday and then go over for the rest of the weekend.
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (28 October 2008):
Sweetheart you are 18 and unfortunately your bf came with a package but this package was not around at the beginning.
You can't naturally bond with this baby when it didn't come from you so it is going to take time.
You need to consider whether you love your bf enough to get over this time or not. Only you can answer that. It is a lot to ask of someone who is your age to say look enough with the fun now but on the other hand he has a committment to his daughter to make sure he takes care of her.
Now as far as his ex is concerned there needs to be some structure to the time he gets with his daughter. It is normal in the UK for a father to have a child/children on alternate weekends for the whole weekend but this does depend on how the mother feels about a child when they are still a baby. I would feel harsh about leaving my child as young as this for an entire weekend but everyone is different.
It isn't easy being the constant person who takes care of a baby either so even though you consider the ex to be a bitch, she is probably running on empty by the time the alternate weekend comes around and needs that time to recharge for the other 12 days she has her.
It is his time to bond with his daughter and he is still trying to find his feet, help by all means but don't get taken for granted either as he should be the one bathing her as again this is his bonding time with her and he needs to be the responsible parent. What would happen if you weren't around on a weekend, he would have to do it all himself.
You knew about this child presumably before you got with him and although he has regrets he loves his child to and that is normal, you can't make him chose between you and his baby as this just isn't fair on him. A child needs so much when they are so young and all you can do is to give, yes I agree with the aspect of too much love can be suffocating to.
Why not get tips on coping with a constantly crying baby, this could be all manner of things i.e. wind or teething and that is a very hard time for any parent believe me.
Properly winding the baby after bottles can cut down with this chronic pain a baby can go through and teething powders which are very safe for babies can be put directly on the tongue. Also putting bonjela on a dummy can help a baby when they are teething, if the gums are very hard and sore it is hell for them. Perhaps having a teething ring in the fridge would help as they can cool the gums. Maybe get some info off the net re letting your baby cry, there are tips on like the 2 minute leave or 3 minute etc and you increase the time according to the age of the child as they can often stop crying - it is hard to leave a crying baby but if you tune into the child it is much easier.
Don't expect too much of yourself as this baby did not come from you and your love for her would be different if that was the case as it is a natural bonding thing.
Get your bf to get some legal advice on contact and then the ex gf would have to adhere to that so that it was at a set time and not the middle of the night, she could be suffering with postnatal depression and gets too overwhelmed on her own but that is a whole other issue.
If you love your bf you will be there for him, if not you need to give yourself some space, maybe don't be around for 1 weekend so that he can feel what it is like to be a single dad for once. OK study is important but also being able to cope on his own is also crucial as too much of how things are right now could mean you walk away completely.
A child is a huge responsibility and I am guessing you didn't sign up for this. Get things regulated with the contact he has for his child and also the level of help you give him.
I don't know what else to say sweetheart but this all does depend on what you want for the future so think long and hard before you make any rash decisions.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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