A
female
age
41-50,
*exaschic
writes:So I'm getting married in two weeks and I'm terrified. I do love my fiance but I'm not passionately madly in love with him. He is a wonderful man and I think I would regret it if I left him. Can love build? Should I really try and make this work or is hopeless? I don't want to hurt him. Also, he's from England and his family has booked flights and all that..what do I say to them?
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male
reader, AFnATL +, writes (19 April 2008):
Bottom line - talk to your fiance - in love, and in honesty. NOTE - do it in love to avoid damaging feelings.It seems there is too much missing from your information to give solid advice. You say you are in love with him, but not passionately madly in love. You say you would be hard pressed to find someone who loves you as much as he loves you. Etc. So, without advice, some thoughts, which are just one man's opinions (married 11 years).Marriage is a big step, and not one to be entered into lightly. All marriages eventually go through some very hard times. To have a successful marriage, you need several things, imho. You need passion - but it won't be constant - it will wax and wane. You need a deep friendship - but there will be times when you like your partner a lot and times a little. You need to share most of your common values - but have enough of a difference to have meaningful discussions. There are others - but note that they all wax and wane through a lifetime. There are a few things which do NOT. You must have faith, hope, and love. These things must be a constant. Faith that you are right for each other, always will be, and will work through all issues. Hope that tomorrow will always be better than the current joys or sorrows you are facing. And love - the love where EACH of you sacrifice your own best interests for the other and routinely put the other first - both of you doing so. When married, you are now One - you must LOVE that ONE. Passion fades and wanes. Faith, Hope, and Love must not.If you don't have Faith, Hope, and Love, don't marry - its too important. If you do have those, do. Either way, talk to your fiance. Your aim is to be ONE in marriage. Start now and have the discussions.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): Bottom line - talk to your fiance - in love, and in honesty. NOTE - do it in love to avoid damaging feelings.It seems there is too much missing from your information to give solid advice. You say you are in love with him, but not passionately madly in love. You say you would be hard pressed to find someone who loves you as much as he loves you. Etc. So, without advice, some thoughts, which are just one man's opinions (married 11 years).Marriage is a big step, and not one to be entered into lightly. All marriages eventually go through some very hard times. To have a successful marriage, you need several things, imho. You need passion - but it won't be constant - it will wax and wane. You need a deep friendship - but there will be times when you like your partner a lot and times a little. You need to share most of your common values - but have enough of a difference to have meaningful discussions. There are others - but note that they all wax and wane through a lifetime. There are a few things which do NOT. You must have faith, hope, and love. These things must be a constant. Faith that you are right for each other, always will be, and will work through all issues. Hope that tomorrow will always be better than the current joys or sorrows you are facing. And love - the love where EACH of you sacrifice your own best interests for the other and routinely put the other first - both of you doing so. When married, you are now One - you must LOVE that ONE. Passion fades and wanes. Faith, Hope, and Love must not.If you don't have Faith, Hope, and Love, don't marry - its too important. If you do have those, do. Either way, talk to your fiance. You're aim is to be ONE in marriage. Start now and have the discussions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): Seeing as you're from Texas, I guess this is a similar set up to Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger!
Best of luck darling! May your legs be as long as Jerry's and his lips smaller than Mick's!
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female
reader, daniellexxxx  +, writes (18 April 2008):
 I mean all the good and bad ponits lol
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female
reader, texaschic +, writes (18 April 2008):
texaschic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone... thanks so much for all your helpful advice. I was having a bit of a freak out moment last night, well, have been for the past couple months. I think I'm going to do it, I've been questioning lately because I see my friends or other couples that just look at each other and you can see how happy they are, and I don't have that. My fiance really is a good man though, he's patient with me, he's considerate, he works hard, he has his faults just like anyone, but overall I think I would be hardpressed to find someone who loves me as much as he does. I think that the love will grow overtime. Maybe I'm just meant to find someone that I can't keep my hands off of and that I'm desperately in love with. A lot of people would search even for what I have, so I think I should count my blessings instead of shooting myself in the foot. You have all been a huge help and I appreciate the advice so so so much!!
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female
reader, daniellexxxx +, writes (18 April 2008):
You have to make that dessision all bye your self and dont let anyone tell you to leave him or stay with him, go with you gut feeling, as will he make you happy does he love you, do you want to be with him till the day you die.
You have to think of all the good points and all the good ones, if theres more bad you have a big desision to make but make sure you make the right one for you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): You sound a bit doubtful. Hasn't love already grown? It could be just nerves or it could be you are not sure. This is the rest of your life we are talking about. If you really don't want to go ahead, don't be put off about the relatives arriving - they can soon cancel their flights.
It would be good if there was someone like a close friend or relative you could talk to about this or, better still, your future husband, who should be kept in the picture. I'm not saying to worry him needlessly but if you have genuine doubts please don't pretend as if you do he is liable to get hurt very badly.
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (18 April 2008):
 Well yes it does sound like pre-wedding nerves, I have never married but I was in a relationship for almost 20 years and I have one gorgeous daughter from that relationship.
No flights that are booked are not the important thing here, what is important is if you love your fiance, not madly in love as that is just an initial feeling or something that not everyone experiences in life.
However when I first met my now ex I didn't love him, I liked him but over the years our love did grow and we did have a wonderful 15 years together, our dynamics changed after we had our daughter but my ex was not a strong person emotionally so there were problems from there on in and we parted after almost 20 years together. I don't regret our time together as I have a beautiful daughter from it.
What you need to ask yourself is if your fiance is your best friend and also if you actually love him, not madly in love but love as in you want to be with him and you know he is a good man with a good heart and that you can trust him with your heart and know that he is there for you in every sense of the word. Does he make you feel special and does he respect you?
Is your intimate time together truly wonderful or are you going through the motions so to speak?
If you have any of the above and you answer NO to them then hold off on marrying him, if on the other hand you answer YES to them all then you know you have a future together and you are more worried about the whole ceremony and what others might think than the fact that this is a relationship that is likely to grow and the love with it.
Only you can truly answer whether it feels right or not. Draw yourself back from it for a day or two as wedding preparations are madness and it could be that this is due to the stress of it all and not about you and your fiance. Sit down and talk to him and see if you can just get some couple time on your own for an evening even and not talk about the wedding just your possible future together. If after that it still doesn't feel right then you have to do what is your heart and yes you may hurt him but you have to feel sure you are doing the right thing OK. BTW you are still young so don't rush your life, enjoy it OK.
Here anytime OK as we all are.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): Maybe it's just pre-wedding nerves, but if you know you're not getting married for all the right reasons you have the option of saying 'No' right up to the time that vital question is asked of you!
Don't worry about his family having booked flights - they wouldn't cancel their trip, but would just take a vacation instead which was probably what would have happened anyway! I mean, no-one would fly across the Atlantic, attend a wedding and immediately fly back again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): Never ever get married to them because their family have booked the flights! It is your life and future at stake here and if you are unsure then i suggest you postpone it until your feelings are clear. It is one of the most major steps you will take in life and shouldnt be taken lightly. You need to have a serious chat with him and tell him exactly how you feel. Why dont you suggest that it is put back 6 months until you feel 100%. I got married when i was unsure at the age of 18, it was a disaster, two kids later, years of misery and he turned out to be a wife beater (i am not saying this is the same for you, just my life), i finally got away after 20 years. So think carefully. Remember the saying, marry in haste, repent at leisure. Please dont make a mistake, life is much too precious to just throw away and certainly dont bring the bit about the family having booked tickets. It is your future. Let us know how you get on.
take care
xx
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