A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was friends with someone for just over a year, and we have been dating for three weeks. He has treated me well when we met up, but today, I added his sister on Facebook and saw some photos of him holding hands with his ex girlfriend. It was a shock as I wasn't expecting it. She looks totally different to me. They broke up a few years ago. I told him that I felt uncomfortable seeing the photos but he said he can't do anything about them being on there. He also said that she was married but separated when they dated. This concerned me too. I have been through enough stressful relationships and don't want another stressful one. Should I talk to him in person about it?. I was supposed to be meeting his sister in person this weekend, but now I feel uncomfortable because of this. I haven't told her about any of this. She suggested that I meet her in a cafe in the afternoon first, either on my own or with him, so that i could feel more comfortable meeting her first, and then we would go to karaoke at night. It was kind of her to offer to meet me at the cafe ( it was my boyfriend's suggestion too, before I found that out about his ex). After I found out though, he said he either wanted to meet me on our own to find out where we stand, or that he should come when I meet his sister. What do you think?. He said he was on and off with her too, which worries me, and I was also in an on and off relationship last year. He said he is a good person, but why and how did he get involved with a married woman, even if it was on paper?.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 Okay so you might feel you have good morals but you are an incredibly judgmental person. Your boyfriend is not allowed to have had a past and you worry about him being friends with gay men? Honestly I have read both your posts and am not really sure I can tell what your issues are, but you have lots off them. Saying this woman looked rough is just nasty and bitchy and I don't think you are as nice a person as you think you are. Your boyfriend probably would be better off without you as you are quick to judge everyone and expect them to act the same as you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2017): If you have already made up your mind so adamantly that he is immoral for dating a separated woman, then what do you want advice about? If that is truly a dealbreaker for you then you have your answer.
Why did your boyfriend date HER when she was separated, but not YOU when you were in a relationship? Because she was SEPARATED. While you were actually IN a relationship, sleeping with the man, eating with the man, living life with the man. No she was NOT sleeping with her husband as well if she was truly separated. Honestly I think that in your mind you are ignoring the whole "separated" part entirely and are just MAKING this into an issue in your mind, imagining her sleeping with her hubbie still happily married, and having an affair on the side. Which is NOT what happened from the sounds of it.
Again, I don't understand- and nor do many of the other aunts why you object so wholeheartedly to a separated person dating. Sorry but if a relationship is OVER it is over when two people realize it is DONE...not when some state clears it as officially over by a piece of paper...you have no idea of the circumstances, maybe he was abusive, maybe he cheated on her....all invalidate the marriage immediately no matter how long the courts take to process it. Your morals seem incredibly stringent and arbitrary, and I doubt anyone could live up to your standards, as the other aunts have pointed out.
Even IF and that is a big IF this separated woman was a mistake, it is in his PAST. It is really none of your concern now.
"I also posted recently about my boyfriend being friends with gay men, and one of them said he came on to my boyfriend once but he turned him down."
So what is the problem, your boyfriend turned him down?! So he has gay FRIENDS...again, not seeing what your issue is here unless there is more to the story.
"Who knows where he has been intimately?!"
Have you asked him? Have you had a discussion of his sexual past and if he has been tested? Why not discuss it like adults?
I don't know that this relationship is going to work because I don't think anyone could live up to your standards. Good luck to you, but I truly hope you do examine your philosophy on relationships and compromise. On accepting people for being human rather than a character in a novel. For your sake I DO hope you work on this and maybe you can come round to be a bit more reasonable and work things out. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 March 2017):
 I think I see it now and there are two things.
First the fact that she was still married while he pursued her and second that he didn't do that same with you, i.e., he waited till you were broken up to approach you for a relationship. It's making you wonder if he wanted her more and you're unable to wrap your head around the fact that despite the girl being married and not very nice, he still chose to be with her. His actions don't fit into your scheme of things because this is something that you would never do and you can't imagine how this man, who's now your partner and who you see in a certain light, could ever do this.
Right. So here's the thing. Take it from me, your anger towards him isn't going to subside. If anything, you'll throw this at his face every chance you get and you'll both be miserable till eventually one of you calls it quits. Save yourself a couple of years of drama and emotional hell and get out of it while you can. You can't change his past. You can however choose your present and this guy doesn't fit into it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 March 2017):
 OK, so unless I have missed something, I really cannot understand what you are upset about, which does make me wonder if the stress in your previous relationships has been caused by your own over-thinking and looking for problems where there are not necessary any in existence.
You are in your 30s so will presumably be dating men of a similar age. Are you expecting them to be virgins and have no past whatsoever? Most, if not all, are going to come with a past, just as YOU have one. I am assuming your boyfriend is not stressing about you having had previous boyfriends? How would you feel if he was? Not nice, is it?
He sounds like a nice patient guy but he will run out of patience at some point or will just decide being in a relationship with you is not worth the stress. You hopefully still have time to salvage this relationship by changing your attitude.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2017): I'm not being intimate with someone who has been with that. No thank you. I also posted recently about my boyfriend being friends with gay men, and one of them said he came on to my boyfriend once but he turned him down. Who knows where he has been intimately?!. So this is actually serious as I don't want to risk catching anything. For all I know, his ex could have been sleeping with her husband or other men too. After all, she had no shame in dating someone while she was still legally married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2017): This is the OP again. I wanted to add that I believe that people should only date other people when the divorce is finalised, just like I believe that people should only date other people when they have actually broke up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. This guy liked me the whole time that I was with my ex boyfriend. He knows my ex too. He never told.me how he felt when I was with my ex out of respect for us being together. He only told me after we broke up, which was after 15 months!. Why didn't he do the same with her by waiting until she was actually divorced?. It's awful the way a lot of people are in the world today. I don't think i am a lot of work. I am proud of my good morals.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2017): You haven't understood everything. I am concerned that he dated a MARRIED woman. I know it was on paper, but legally, it's still adultery. I am concerned about his morals. I would never go anywhere near someone that was married, no matter how much I was attracted to them. My mother left my father to live with another man while they were still legally married. The divorce was only finalised the year after. I didn't agree with that either, and hated what she did. I am also concerned that because the relationship was on and off. It makes me wonder what kind of person he is?. It was probably her fault too, but it takes two people to be on and off. I don't just blame my ex for us being on and off. I know I was partly to blame. And this guy has had more than one on and off relationship. I have a past, but I have never been with married men. She looked really rough too!. I think I can tell what kind of person she is from her description.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (10 March 2017):
I'm not sure I understand this correctly.
You are upset because your boyfriend was dating someone who was married but separated and because she looks different from what you had imagined her to be. What does this even mean? You thought she was ugly but she's not and now you're intimidated?
And I'm not even sure where the sister comes into all of this.
OP you sound extremely insecure and already seem to be suffering from a lot of jealousy regarding your boyfriend's past when really it's none of your business. He hasn't cheated on you, he's free to date who he likes and so what if a woman is separated? Should she be shunned simply because she was married once upon a time and it didn't work out? It's your boyfriend's prerogative who he wants to date!
You sound like a lot of work OP and unless you let go of this extremely irrational attitude of yours, it'll be very difficult for you to find someone you can be happy with.
Since you've asked the question, I don't think this relationship is for you. If I were in your boyfriend's place, I honestly wouldn't even bother meeting you for a clarification because of how immature and jealous you sound over something that should be of zero concern to you. So what if he has a past? You do too and you seem to be forgetting that
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2017): How long ago was the relationship with the ex gf .. so I can gauge why his sister would still have pictures of them together on her page ..can you maybe tell us a little more about him. How you met and got dating ? It may help a little more prospective on the situation . Does he work ? As I take it your meeting Friday afternoon for coffee..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2017): I hope you won't mind if I ask- is your age in your profile your true age (30s?) Your post seems as if it was written by a much younger woman just starting to find out what dating is all about. In your 30s, you are not going to find a man without a past. Yes, your boyfriend has held hands with another woman, and probably a lot more too. That is part of being an adult. The fact that you were surprised/shocked that she looked so different from your looks again seems to strike me as a comment that would come from a much younger person. As an adult surely you must be realizing that men can be attracted to all sorts of different types and different looks? That the personality is probably the most important? This rather strange thing to worry about strikes me that you are dealing with some insecurity issues that run deeply, and I would encourage you to deal with those as you are an adult it is unlikely that you will now grow out of them on your own. Finally, it bothers you that he dated someone who was separated, yet still officially married. You say that "her marriage was only on paper", yet this is STILL not good enough for you to deem her single, because she was still technically married on paper, well then she was cheating and your boyfriend was too....That is a little far fetched dear. Nowadays, divorces take a long, long time to process all the paperwork and legalities. If two people are separated, living different lives, why should they be prevented from moving on when it has ended? Even if you are extremely religious, if one party cheats, in the eyes of god that is said to invalidate the marriage. So even if you are coming at it from a religious perspective and that is why you are so bothered by a piece of paper, as you say, then how do you know her hubbie didn't cheat so it was invalidated right then and there? My dear friend had his wife cheat on him with a number of people. He had always been faithful. The moment that happened the marriage was over. It took a couple of years for the divorce to be processed and finalized. However, he was dating again after about a year. Why shouldn't he? He met the love of his life during that time and now they are happily married with kids and they are completely faithful. I'm sorry but I don't understand or agree with your moral objection. If someone knows there is no hope of reconciling with a spouse they should be allowed to move on? And one more thing, even if you STILL have an issue with him dating a woman based on a piece of paper, wasn't that in your current boyfriend's past?As for mistakes isn't that a considerably minor one? My dear, I think if you are finding this hard to handle, the tougher issues will be impossible to bear. Many men have done much worse and have much more complicated pasts, even children out of wedlock or secret affairs.It sounds like you have a good man. Your standards seem incredibly high. I think it would be good to find coping skills to bring your expectations in line with reality. All the best and I hope I helped!
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