A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy through a dating app and we clicked! We spoke for a few days on that app. At that moment, I was still getting over a tough breakup for me. I hadn't exchanged numbers with this guy yet. One day, don't know what got into me then but I left that app without saying anything to the guys I had been messaging!Out of all those people though, this guy pursued me and sent me a few messages on Facebook. I had given him my full name so this was not creepy one bit! I was actually happy that he had wanted to continue talking to me even after i just disappeared. After a month of talking to each other everyday, we finally decided to meet in person. I did like him even then but we hadn't shared our feelings with each other. Only just before we met for our second date, he told me that he actually wanted to kiss me after our first date!! We did kiss at the end of our second date and confessed that we both really liked each other and wanted a serious relationship! It was all sweet with him after this confession and he keeps dropping subtle hints that he wants this relation to work out! Recently he invited me to a vacation he was taking with some of his work mates and said he really wanted me to come along and meet them.I feel like this guy really wants to make this work. I also know from our conversations that he enjoys my company and generally wants to be with a person who shares his goals and dreams. He has also said that he loves the qualities i possess and wants that in a person he wants a relation with!Last night though, he confessed he was in another 'mood' and casually asked if i wanted to try some cybersex! I have known him for 3 months now. Me being immensely attracted to him, I said yes and we went ahead with it.He has been his same old sweet self with me after this too. He has messaged me saying that he knows I might not be comfortable with this but he wants me to know this side of him. He also said he actually enjoyed this experience with me. I know it was only one instance so far and that he might be genuinely attracted to me, not only for the sex. But i can't help but overthink that he might just want a FWB relationship and nothing else. Maybe its all in my head too!! Just so confused as to what to say and do!! Should i bring this up with him? Is it too soon to say anything? Please help.TLDR: Met this guy online and we actually fit well together. After we went through cybersex, I am not sure if he's trying to really be with me or just wants some fun!
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 March 2017):
 There's a difference between taking a good risk and a bad risk. Cybersex is a bad one and so is a man implying your discomfort shouldn't stop sexual activity.
Not being with this one guy doesn't mean you don't end up sad and alone in THREE DECADES. So much happens in that time and this guy needs to be told cybersex is not okay for you. I'd also avoid going away with him until you know him better. Risks are only good when you trust the situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2017): Also the projection of the original poster living in her apartment with two cats, eating crock pot meals is a dead ending vision.
No one in their fifties would regret dropping a sexual collector.
Who is to say that the poster wouldnt be living a happy and fulfilled life with someone who treated her respectfully in and out of the bedroom!
She could meet someone else and find that they were perfect for each other.
Generally the deeper you get into something that isnt good for you, the worse it is.
OP could meet someone else, get married, have sons and never look back.
She is not facing an all or nothing life!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2017): Well I simply dont agree with "Been there now over it!"
He may think its not normal to not have sex immediately but he may be a hard bitten dog on the road!
A lot of sweetness followed by a dodgy request is not good.
Its also not remarkable that he would follow you up on facebook.
As you said , its not a particularly hard thing to do.
I feel its the equivalent to meeting a guy on crack!
Everythings fine until you realise that he's on crack, unpredictable and expects you to think its ok!
You have your doubts.
So listen to them!
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (11 March 2017):
I would suggest not having cybersex but that horse is now out of the barn.
I do like your history with him. If he was a serial internet sex-seeker he would have propositioned you within a few conversations and, after your refusals, would have dashed out of your life long ago. From what you've given us, he's genuinely interested in you. You two have been conversing on-line for three months and have met face-to-face a few times. Many if not most guys would not want to hang out this long without having sex. If a woman made me wait for more than two months I'd be wondering if she just didn't like sex, which would be a deal killer for me.
The one red flag is see here is that he comes up with "he knows I might not be comfortable with this but he wants me to know this side of him." This little exposure of creepyness may go a deeper or it may not. If science could get into all men's minds we'd probably discover that some creepiness is normal.
As for moving this relationship along, I am for it. The happiest, most interesting people I know all have a sense of adventure and take reasonable risks in dealing with life. You don't want to end up 30 years from now living in a little apartment with your two cats, eating crock pot meals, watching TV every night and wondering what might have happened with this person. He sounds fairly normal and your chances of ever dating a murderer are very, very small. If it seems to make sense and you think he's a good fit, go for it.
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A
female
reader, Guardian wings +, writes (10 March 2017):
Hello there!Everything you describe about him right now; sweet loving etc. is normal during the honeymoon period of a relationship. You really need to cross that phase in order to know the reality or have enough expertise/past experience in judging a love interest.Go with the flow. First give it time (at least 6 months ) to try and figure out if you like him enough to take it forward and make it a serious one. Stop worrying about how serious he is. Why do you want to know that info when you yourself are not sure about what sort of a person he is or who is hiding behind that I'm-at-my-best-self- right now mask? (having sex does not mean you need to marry him right?). It will take a while for you to know if you two are compatible and if he's the kind of guy you want to get serious with. As for cybersex. Please avoid, you don't know him enough to trust him on this. Also, you met him online- MOST men who seek girls online belong to the worst bundle. They are sort of addicted to chatting girls up, picking strangers left and right and as you are afraid of- looking mainly for sex. It's not about what they want at that point of time, it's more about the TYPE they belong to that's scary. Most of them live a fantasy sex life rather than meaningful ones.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2017): It sounds to me that you could be on the cusp of exploitation!You are already altering your values to suit someone else and willing to engage in risky behaviour.You sound gullible, as if you are unaware that he could record it and sell it.I dont see this as being the man of your dreams.In fact I caution you against anyone who appears to be one thing and then suddenly produces another side of their character that they expect you to be ok with.And you dont need to compromise when it concerns your values.Maybe you dont feel manipulated but it seems to me that he could drop anything on you and gently explain that he wants you to go along with it.If you comply there is little difference to someone who threatens you into changing your behaviour to suit someone else because the end result is still the same!Were you looking for a relationship that depends on recordable sex? Because thats what youre getting!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 March 2017):
Slow it down and don't do cybersex - he could take photos or videos without you knowing and show others if things go sour.
Take it carefully with him - enjoy it, but don't be risky like cybersex. He shouldn't say he wants you to know this side of him even if you're uncomfortable; he should say he'll stop if you're uncomfortable.
Rushing things will mislead you. A vacation should be saved for when you've known each other longer, trust each other and feel safe. Please don't put yourself in danger.
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