A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I split up with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years. My relationship with him was just awful, he was very aggressive, a bit scary, extremely jealous. I think the reason he got the way he did is because he was very depressed and started drinking a lot. His niece was murdered last year in a very brutal way and I think it's made him a totally different person. Bad things have happened to me too, I'd say I have been less than nice to him too. We shouldn't be together we bring out the worst in each other.The problem I'm having is that when we aren't fighting I have such a great time with him. I find the things he talks about really interesting, he's very funny and quick witted. We have lots in common, we like the same music, films, have the same views on loads of different things. We had a great sex life. I'm even getting down about the thought of never seeing him naked again which is a bit silly lol.I know I should not be with him and I definitely am never going to go back there. But I'm finding it really hard thinking that I'll never talk to him again, do all the fun things we did, he makes me laugh more than anybody else I know. It's making me sad that I can't just have that side of him1How can I stop feeling so sad! I'm finding it hard and I keep getting tempted to talk to him. Any suggestions of how to get through this?
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (23 August 2015):
 Unfortunately we can't pick the bits and pieces we like of someone and chuck the rest. We get the whole package. That's part of love, is accepting the whole package. This particular package, taken as a whole, is not good for you. It is not healthy for you. You need to see that even though you had such good times, the good does not outweigh the bad and you're never going to be able to get rid of that part you don't like. It might be effective for you to write a very solid goodbye to him where no doors could ever be opened back up. I got a goodbye email from my ex who i was still speaking with every so often and it was so final sounding that I knew violating his wishes would make both of us unhappy.It works on his end too, because who wants to come back from writing this is super duper no exceptions over and say "hey whats up?"
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015): Thank you all for your responses, your advice is very helpful!
Since splitting up with him he has been texting me a lot but I haven't responded to many. But today he's starting to get nasty and I know he's spent the weekend getting drunk as I can barely understand what he's saying. They are starting to get very nasty and I know that our breakup is for the best.
He's accusing me of having lesbian orgies with my friends, he's telling me he wants to beat up men that are my friends because he thinks everybody wants to have sex with me which is extremely upsetting and making me feel awful.
I think the best thing I can do is write those lists you've suggested and really try and work on making myself happy and fit and lots of other things. I'm sure I can find somebody else out there with all the great things I liked in him but none of the terrible!
I really feel for him about what happened to his niece, I have suggested him going to the doctor but he never has.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015): Looking at it in the round you are not compatible. Yes you had some good times but the flip side is that you can't be together because it doesn't work. For now, when you hanker after his good qualities, quickly think of the negative side too. Some people are just not easy to be in a relationship with and so let your head be the louder voice over your heart. Otherwise you could be tempted back to him against your best judgement.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015): "We shouldn't be together we bring out the worst in each other."
This is where you work from. Your mind has to adjust to the change in your relationship and accept that it is over. You are still in the stages of your detachment; when all you can think about is the good times. This is normal. It's like you forget that he was cruel, you were mean; and you clashed so much you couldn't take each other anymore.
Your mind is used to him being there. The mind wants everything in place and to be normal. Your subconscious is very simple. It's very linear in thinking. It wants things to be normal and routine. So it fights to put things back in place. Only, it can't change reality. Reality has to change your mind.
You are going through your withdrawal from your relationship. Dealing with the grief of loss; and you are now facing the reality of being without him in your life. Only, he no longer belongs there; because "he brings out the worst in you." You can't live life like that. You didn't kill his niece; and no one should suffer for that but the killer. There is no excuse on earth that justifies being nasty and vicious to the people who love us. None!
If you are dysfunctional and couldn't get along, it means you both have changed. You're not in the past anymore. You've moved from what was, to what is. That reality is, you are no longer compatible in the present states of mind you are in; and your relationship has run it's course. He has good qualities as do you; but he can no longer offer them to you. You don't bring out those qualities due to things said and done; that were out of character on both parts. He has hindered and altered his good qualities by alcohol-abuse and internalized rage. He is disabled by grief. Thus, your relationship suffered severely; and at this point in your lives, you're better off being apart to repair yourselves. You can't look back. Go forward, and move on.
You will return to the worst times in your life, based on reminiscence of what you once had. You're dreaming.
Murder of a loved one is one of the most horrific things anyone could ever have to endure. So he needs grief counseling and maybe even some therapy to help him to heal. If alcohol and the use of drugs ever entered the situation; his self-medicating only made things worse. He made it difficult for you to be anything but defensive and angry.
He sought no help. Therefore he didn't value you, nor the relationship as much as his own pain. Even if he took prescribed medication and did see a therapist; medicine has nothing to do with who you are as a person, and the way you treat people you're supposed to love. He had deeper issues that over-shadow his funny side and all the things you "once" had in-common. Well, you no longer share that between you. It's dead. Now bury it. Once and for all.
It is time to be selfish, in order to heal. It's a struggle.
It requires time, it takes self-control, mind-control, and self-discipline. It's easy to say I can't. It's lazy, and self-defeating. Going back to hell. For what? Sex, a few minutes of feeling good for old-time's sake? Then what happens once the ugly reality reappears?
No, you must not contact him under any circumstances. He must learn from his losses. You must go about your healing and detachment-process without reaching back to the past. It will only make you feel even worse. You will reach to him for sex and comfort, and it will all comeback ten times worse than ever. Because you will see neither of you have changed at all. You're just missing sex and the good stuff; but you haven't healed and dealt with your individual pain and issues.
An open wound still hurts even under a bandage. Until it's fully healed, it's covered but still there.
Putting pressure on it stops the healing and keeps the pain alive. Going back to seek temporary comfort from an ex does the same thing. It keeps that wound open, aggravates it, infects it, and makes it fester; because the problems that broke you apart are still there.
Your problems couldn't be fixed with simple communication; and pretending you can talk them away is childish and foolish thinking. Alcoholism requires a lot of therapy, self-commitment, and counseling to heal. People have to hit rock-bottom and lose everything; before they want to work hard enough to save themselves and regain their losses. Then they need that struggle back to reassess the value of what they had and lost. If it just comes back, he will only take it for granted; and you will rob him of that struggle needed to do his own healing.
You enable him if you allow yourself to be his whipping post. He'll see no reason to change and save himself. You will cause him even more ruin.
You will put your own healing on hold. Trying to pretend you can make it all go away. You need time to change what made you defensive. Deal with your personal trauma. You no longer have time for his problems. You have to survive.
You have to place yourself under repair and maintenance. Postpone even the thought of finding new love. Until then, you'll drag baggage with you; and destroy some person who only wanted to love you and an get it in return. You are at a needy stage. Fight it. You have to love yourself, be your own best friend, and turn to your other-loved ones, family and friends to fill the void. DO NOT GO TO HIM!
With him nor anybody else; you're not healthy enough to maintain an emotional-attachment just yet. Only work on reacquainting with friends, and re-establishing your family-connections. Seek support and affection from other sources. Including seeking your own counseling and therapy.
You're in a moment of weakness, in order to get your strength back; you must fight any urges to bring the source of your pain and unhappiness back. You will not get that side of him back. It is gone. He chose anger over love. So let him live with that. You are no longer really a comfort to him, you are also another source of his pain. Even if your hormones and horniness may chose to overlook the reality of that.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 August 2015):
 Time to widen out your vision and encourage exposure to new experiences and even consider some short term counselling to clarify your goals and identify where and how you want your life to progress, in the next 5 and 10 years from now.He has become comfortable, someone to fall back on, like the faded ripped grungy t-shirt that you know doesn't look good anymore, but has memories.You can still have experiences that are fun, conversations that are stimulating and enjoyable with others. Without all the negatives associated with him.Start close to home with a cull of things you don't wear anymore, things you have not worn for 2 years. Cull your wardrobe of things you known are too tired and ''past it'' for you to want to wear those things again.Start with you, and consider if it might be fun to try a new hair cut or even a new colour as well.Look at your level of fitness? What could you add into your life? A regular gym visit or a chance to join a walking group? Or try cycling or swimming. Maybe a pilates class or perhaps yoga. Add in something physical and reap the benefits.What volunteer opportunities exist in your community. Involving yourself in some random acts of kindness can also have benefits for you too.Your local Citizen's Advice Bureau in the UK will probably have a list of worthwhile projects on offer - volunteering is a great way to expand your vision.Are there any classes that you could consider to learn a new language? It is good as a way to improve your mind and is less insular than playing sudoko or doing a crossword by yourself. It means you reach out to others to practise your skills with the new language. Is there a skill you already have - but you would like to build on that skill? Skills you already have can be a great way to develop an interesting and absorbing hobby.What hobbies do or could appeal to you? Everyone is different. Hobbies that help you reach out to others are likely the ones to aim for.What new hobby could you consider? A search of Etsy.com may suggest some things you might like to consider. Etsy is populated with some really friendly people always ready to give you tips and suggestions on craft projects - IF thatsort of thing appeals to you.Try to avoid doing the same things that could bring you into contact with him.Try to visit some different places for shopping, leisure or socializing.That way you are more likely to build new contacts and improve your confidence in you.Sit down and write out a strengths, weaknesses, opportinities and threats (SWOT) you see as important in your ideal relationship, just so that you don't choose the same sort of guy next time, when you are ready to date.You are being nostalgic about him now, but don't dismiss nor gloss over the parts that wore you down and caused you stress. Your ideal man does will not wear you down and nor will he leave you feeling distressed after another disagreement.You can move on to better things if you can fill the void with new and stimulating interesting activities that take you in new directions and allow you to enjoy new positive experiences in the future.Try to remain positive about these possibilities happening in your life from now on.
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A
female
reader, daydreamer2 +, writes (23 August 2015):
I am so sorry that you are having such a horrible time, it's not easy and my heart goes out to you. I'm not perfect however logic tells me that it shouldn't be so hard and painful to love someone 'you mention fighting and bringing out the worst' although it sounds like you have both had some really horrible times lately. Why don't you use this time to look after yourself, your ex has a lot to deal with so let him grieve (although I agree it must be hard as you want to help him). If you let him go and concentrate on you then you never know - in time to come when you are both of "healthy" mind set then perhaps things could work. I know it's easy for me to say but I think if he loves you then he will appreciate this and come back. If he doesn't then you are going to be in the right frame of mind to get yourself back out there and lead an exciting life.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (23 August 2015):
I truly do understand what you mean. But here's the thing. Unfortunately there's not just one side to him. And as much fun as it might be, the pain is not worth it. It's okay to miss the fun parts, it's just that all the pain isn't worth it. Even more if you do bring out the worst in each other. Eventually you will get over it.
So for now, try focusing on more productive things for you. And everytime you miss the old times, let it pass and carry on, for that's the best thing you can do for yourself.
Be happy
Good luck
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