A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I've been seeing this guy for about three months. We met online through Eharmony and he's my first relationship since I broke up with my ex three years ago. The first month was great and I really felt like I'd found someone I really connected with after months of going on first dates or guys who just tried to get me into bed. The last month or so though I've been feeling really conflicted. There are already quite a lot of things I don't like about him. For instance, I’ve been 10, 15 minutes late a few times and he has reacted quite badly. One time I was about 5 minutes late and he said "Took you long enough". I was quite taken aback but I just brushed it off because it seemed trivial. Another time I was late he made some really snide remarks. When I apologised he said "You should be sorry." I told him not be mean in a joking way. At times throughout that evening he seemed distant and like he was still really annoyed. When we went to get the tube, out of nowhere he said he was going to get the same train just to spite me for getting the wrong train earlier and being late even though he had to get the same train anyway. I again told him not be mean and that there was no need for such comments. When we were saying goodbye he said that waiting for me was worth it but he was like "Just don't do it again." I said I would try but it wasn't up to me. He was acting like I was late on purpose. He's actually being hypocritical because he's been 10-15 minutes late a few times himself. I've never made a big deal out of it, I just tell him it's fine. Sometimes these things happen because of transport delays or something similar.He can be sarcastic. I told him that usually I'm fine with sarcasm as long as it's not used to be unkind to people, however, one time he made this really weird comment. I texted him saying I was in the area where he works and asked if he wanted to meet up. He replied with "don't say that!". When I asked what, he said “You’re taunting me by saying that you’re in the area when I can't come!” I told him I wasn't taunting him, I just said that I was in the area and if he can't meet that's fine. This seemed a really strange thing to say because taunt is such a strong word, like I was mocking him or something. Also, in the text he seemed really angry.There are a few things he does which really annoy me. For instance, he'll put his head on my shoulder and make this weird noise, it sounds exactly like a cat purring. At this early stage I feel this is something I should find cute but it just drives me crazy and even repels me a little. When I'm telling him something he sometimes says "mmm-hmm" and it really annoys me because my ex used to dismiss my feelings with sarcasm with this phrase. It sounded really condescending and still does. Also, I was showing him something on Facebook and he took my phone, went to his profile and added himself to my list of friends. This just seemed really presumptuous of him, especially as at that point we'd only been on a few dates.I actually broke up with him about six weeks ago because of all these things. I thought we were simply incompatible. He then texted me saying that I could at least have given him a few more clues that I was going to break up with him and that I could have given him more of a chance. At the end he wrote "mini-rant over" which just sounded really strange. He then sent me a long Facebook message starting "Here's 'my anger and sadness disguised as patronising advice in a vain attempt to not let go', Part 2" (part 1 was the text). He wrote about how I should talk things through in the future instead of just saying things aren't working out. He said he was really happy with me. I messaged him back telling him that I didn't really the point in talking because we'd only been together for a few weeks. I did tell him how I felt - that he seems to make a big issue out of small things, I don't like sarcasm, that I didn't appreciate being made to feel guilty. I also told him that I felt he was making me feel guilty over the break-up. He messaged me back and apologised for making me feel guilty and for sounding angry. He said he’s never felt the slightest bit angry at me and he was just trying to be funny but obviously his sarcasm was misunderstood. We then met up for a chat and I told him that if he could work on these things then we could try again and he said he’ll try his best. It’s been about six weeks now and we haven’t had the old problems but some other ones have resurfaced. He has really bad breath. I’ve tried to hint about it a couple of times like if I'm sucking a mint I offer him one but it hasn’t improved. He also has really bad body odour and gets really sweaty. He can be condescending and sometimes seems annoyed that I can’t go to his place. Last night we were texting and he asked if I wanted to come to his one weekday evening after work to watch a movie. I said I’d love to but sadly it would have to be another time because of the tube strike all week (I live in London). He lives in West London and it’s quite difficult to get there if I don’t go by tube. Also, I was concerned I’d have trouble getting home so late in the evening because of the strike and the amount of people. He texted back saying “Don’t forget the Overground exists”. This sounded really condescending because I’ve used the Overground plenty of times and he knows that. It was like he was expecting me to come anyway despite the strike. I told him that the Overground has different branches and the ones from his don’t go where I need to go and again said that I was worried about getting home. We have a lot in common and do a lot of interesting stuff together, especially going to cultural events, galleries, museums. He can be really sweet and caring. When I was ill recently he was really sweet texting me hugs and stuff. He seems like a gentle person although some incidents have completely changed that perception. He's 27, I'm 29 and I'm his first girlfriend so there's no baggage but at the same time I feel that because I'm his first he doesn't know how to treat a woman. He has never once complimented me but has made a couple of criticisms, when we were out recently he pointed out that a thread on my top was loose. I thought it seemed weird how he could notice something that small but not notice things like a new dress or a new haircut.I'd really appreciate any advice. Are these little things that can be overlooked? Am I overreacting or am I right to feel there’s something off about this new relationship? Thanks for reading everyone. Sorry if this is a bit long.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): I think you are right to break it off.Friends can say all sorts of things that turn out to be downright unhelpful. When I was going out with someone abusive, one friend - who I really respected at the time - told me I had to be more understanding about the pressure he was under and try harder. I'd been with him for 18 years and I had finally become physically ill with the never-ending stress of trying to live with and cope with the behaviour of a binge-drinking abusive partner who also had ADD. The friend who said this to me had never, herself, been in a long term relationship. I should never have listened to her. A couple of years later she actually completely dumped me as a friend, without any explanation and after telling people I was the best friend she'd ever had!So, friends do NOT always know what's best for you. For some reason women are really good at telling other women to try harder and make the best of what a man seems to be. Why? Probably because it's just easier to say stuff like this than say that ALL women should be asking for better treatment, not just from men but in every sense.Of course he's completely into you at the moment. So would ANY 27 year old be if they'd never had a girlfriend and finally think someone is going to have the patience to stay with them. Don't be fooled by his enthusiasm and sweetness, it's just not enough to go on in the longer term and, as you say, if this is the best he can do in the 'honeymoon period' then just get rid.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): Hi, I'm the OP. Tried to reply yesterday but it didn't seem to post so this might appear twice. Thank you so much for all the replies, I really appreciate it. Some of you are right, I know that I'm nitpicking. I have realised that I'm just not into this guy and I think I AM finding fault with everything little thing. At the same time though, a lot of the things he's done concern me and I do feel there is something not right. I'm just not sure what to think. A lot of the things I mentioned are really off-putting and make me want to dump him. I just don't think it's normal to be so annoyed at someone after such a short time and yes, like someone mentioned I shouldn't be nitpicking after such a short time if I really like this guy.The person who posted about him possibly becoming abusive - yes, indeed you never know. He could turn mean and even abusive with time. I feel like I've already seen a bad side to him (several bad sides in fact) and even though he apologised and said he was just clueless because he’s never been in a relationship the damage has been done and that was after only six weeks. This is still the honeymoon period and he's not been showing me his best side at all. I have given him a few chances because of his inexperience but honestly, I think some things are just common sense and empathy. I wonder if he acts that way with his friends. Honeypie is right – it’s not my job to teach him. I’ve never tried to change him – I’ve just told him how I feel. It’s up to him if he wants to change but since he hasn’t I’m not going to stick around. You're also right about what you say about my low self-esteem. I've always thought of myself as a very strong person emotionally who can walk away if I need to but I realised I've been staying with this guy hoping it'll get better and making excuses for him. I realised I have spent more time worrying about my relationship with this guy and thinking of breaking up than actually enjoying being with him. I do fear not finding someone else because a good person is so hard to find but I’m not willing to stay with someone just to be in a relationship. You're right, there are so many pressures, not just from the media and the economy, but also socially. People I've talked to about this guy have told me that it's not such a big deal and if he's a good person to just ignore the things I dislike and settle. This guy is really into me and can do really sweet things. I feel almost bad and a bit perplexed that I'm not into him but attraction really can't be forced. To be honest, I just find myself getting really annoyed and bored with him. I don't see myself marrying this guy so there's really no point in continuing to date him. I will break it off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2015): Hi, I'm the OP. Thank you so much for all the replies, I really appreciate it. Some of you are right, I know that I'm nitpicking. I have realised that I'm just not into this guy and I think I AM finding fault with everything little thing. At the same time though, a lot of the things he's done concern me and I do feel there is something not right. A lot of the things I mentioned are really off-putting and make me want to dump him. I just don't think it's normal to be so annoyed at someone after such a short time and yes, like someone mentioned I shouldn't be nitpicking after such a short time if I really like this guy.The person who posted about him possibly becoming abusive - yes, indeed you never know. He could turn mean and even abusive with time. I feel like I've already seen a bad side to him (several bad sides in fact) and even though he apologised and said he was just clueless the damage has been done and after only six weeks. This is still the honeymoon period and he's not been showing me his best side at all. You're also right about what you say about my low self-esteem. I've always thought of myself as a very strong person emotionally who can walk away if I need to but I realised I've been staying with this guy hoping it'll get better and making excuses for him. I do fear not finding someone else because a good person is so hard to find. You're right, there are so many pressures, not just from the media, but also socially. People I've talked to about this guy have told me that it's not such a big deal and if he's a good person to just ignore the things I dislike and settle. This guy is really into me and can do really sweet things. I feel almost bad that I'm not into him but attraction really can't be forced. To be honest, like I said I'm just not into him and find myself getting really annoyed and bored with him. I don't see myself marrying this guy so there's really no point in continuing to date him. I will break it off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2015): I don't think you are over-reacting at all. I think you have a gut feeling about this person - you just KNOW - that it's not right - and all the things you mention in your post are things that you are hoping will be enough for us readers to say "okay, leave him".
The main problem, as far as I see it, is somewhat low or weak self-esteem on your part. You haven't got the confidence right now to end it because I think a. you fear not finding anyone else b. you fear being judged - but in your case the judgement (his and your own internal judgement) are impacting onto your already low self esteem.
I live in London and I know the reality of travelling to meet someone. Amongst friends and partners there's just usually a general understanding that 10-15 minutes is often unavoidable, because the journeys can be fraught with unexpected delays. Anything after that - 20 minutes - is different, unless there is a really significant delay like a tube breaking down or a cancelled train. This 'grace period' is just a 'London thing" as far as I'm concerned, but over the years you learn to recognise when your friends are really telling the truth or if they just have a habit of being late - or if a guy is basically taking the P***. Even if friends DO have a habit of being late it's often just something that, in London, you think "oh yeah, E will probably be 10-15 minutes late because she always is" - it depends on what the friend is like in other ways, but usually even then we put it down to that person being so busy rushing from work etc. that it's rarely a major complaint. So for him to react like this is, I think, a sign that his inner rage will get worse. He's got issues and I recognise them from my ex behaving similarly. I think the issues are that he hasn't properly grown up and can't cope when things don't go his way - and I mean even tiny, little things that just trigger his feelings of not being in control but, instead, of being controlled by someone. In his mind, when you are late, you are 'controlling' him and he doesn't like it one bit, because he's probably been overly controlled by Mummy earlier down the line.
That aside, for me, someone with bad breath, sweaty, sarcastic and self-centred (i.e.. instead of thinking it was nice of you to text to ask if he could meet when you were in his area, he chose to be almost offended by this) and just giving odd responses to things would be more than enough for me to drop them, especially at age 27. Not having good hygiene is another sign the person's not grown up properly and I recognise them from my ex too. At 29 you've still go years to find someone lovely. However, I'm aware, having been through it and having seen it happen countless times, that a lot of women start to 'freak out' when they turn thirty, or approach thirty - thinking they should have a partner to be married or engaged to. It's partly what the economy does to women - all this commercial stuff aimed at us to target our weaknesses and making us believe we should achieve certain 'milestones' by the time we are certain ages. I've never really done anything at the time when I should have done - and I'm not saying it's been easy - but it's made me very alert to when women feel like they're going to be 'left out' and frightened of what will happen to them if they don't conform.
Having said all of that, there are two things that really stand out for me in your post as major signs to just leave him. One is the way he says "hmmm..mmm" to you after making this extremely irritating gesture. This odd cat purring gesture would drive me nuts too and then, on top of that, you've got to put up with being put down about it. This is the tip of the iceberg as far as I'm concerned. It's simply not endearing at all because he's on his own planet. In that moment you are nothing but an object for him to put his head on and narcissistically believe he's being adorable and he just doesn't "get" why it's not working for you. I was with someone for years who - believe it or not - thought it was absolutely hilarious to unexpectedly stick his finger under my armpit if I reached over to get something. Can you imagine? It used to drive me absolutely crazy, getting worse each time. But worse still was that he used to tell me to "chill". It didn't matter how many times I said I hated him doing that and thought we'd discussed it and he understood, he still kept doing it. In the end it was enough to reduce me to tears. Like you, I had low self esteem and spent years wondering what was wrong with me that I didn't find it amusing! The thing that I found later is that this was a sign of a much larger insensitivity to me - I was so naive and gullible and it took me years to figure out I was actually being treated extremely badly by this utterly selfish person; I was simply blind to it OR I put up with it because I'd been treated very badly before and was also brought up believing you have to endure things and tolerate people, find the strength and sensitivity to love them no matter what. It's only years later that I can see the danger of this attitude and I think you've got a (less extreme) version of it. Things like this, that the guy does, show that he is TOTALLY not interested in your sensitivity as a woman or in pleasing you. He's simply interested in doing absolutely dumb things that he thinks are either cute or loving or funny. Major red flag to me because, again, it's just so self centred and it seems that you are going down the dangerous route of thinking you must accommodate this unwanted behaviour. DON"T! Not for one minute! You say that when he does this it reminds you of your ex. THIS is where I think you have fallen into the trap of gravitating towards someone who, like your ex, has a knack of making you self-doubt and undermines your self esteem and confidence. You haven't yet fully recovered you self esteem from your ex and you haven't learned how to ensure you get treated better AND to feel that you deserve it. This is the task ahead of you I think. When he's sweet to you, it gives you just enough pleasure and hope that he will change and be a better guy. Then he's just an angry and frustrated idiot and instead of dumping him, you keep doubting yourself. This is the cycle you need to break.
The other thing you mention is being his first girlfriend at 27. Apologies but this is a MAJOR red flag to me. Except in some exceptional case - say, if the guy had been hospitalised for ten years since 17 - I would just walk away. The guy I went out with for years who I mentioned above - I was only his second girlfriend and he sounds very similar. He simply had no idea how to treat a woman and I was so self-sacrificing that I told myself it didn't matter. I'd had very little experience of boyfriends and I loved the matey-ness we had, at least I loved it in the beginning. We were like 'mates' with sex thrown in and at first it was a huge amount of fun - I felt like someone's equal in a way - But this was actually an illusion. I wasn't his equal at all and he definitely did not know how to treat me as a woman because he himself wasn't a fully developed man. I finally grew sick to death of never feeling protected, never working as a team, no-one ever taking the lead and expecting me to do it all the time and, worst of all, AS IF I WAS SOMEONE'S PRACTICE GIRLFRIEND for when he finally moved on and got his 'real' one after learning from me what to do. I wasted years with this and he NEVER had the guts to move on because underneath his anger and very annoying habits, he was too clingy and a Mummy's boy, so he would simply have stayed with me forever, driving me nuts! And my low self esteem would have kept it that way, had he not finally turned physically abusive in the end, causing me to leave.
Take all your courage and dump this one. Throw him back to eHarmony so that they can make more money out of finding someone else to teach him the ropes. Don't let it be you. Some men are, I think, worth taking some time to 'educate'. But this one's not worth it - maybe in ten or twenty years time he will be, if he actually manages to find another woman to help him familiarise himself with how a man can behave. But even then he strikes me as someone who will always be selfish. He's already too self-centred and he's showing signs of infantile rage when he can't have things exactly as he wants them. He will turn into a monster if you stay with him because he hasn't grown up and is already starting to position you as "Mummy" who he intermittently rages against because he hasn't really cut his apron strings and then is adoring of you because in his head he's still around five years old and needs someone to show him how to wash properly!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015): I think you are over reacting to a lot of things. The bit about him being angry about you being late isn't very nice and I think he's at fault with that.
But noticing a thread on your top... I don't think is any way criticising you. Saying that he used the word 'taunting' seems like he's just being playful to me. I don't think he meant that in a nasty way at all. When you decided to break up I think It would have been better just to try and talk about it with him first. When he's a bit distant maybe he's had a bad day and has something on his mind, not that he's annoyed with you.
If you've broken up already at this stage I don't think it's going to work out between you and his little quirky mannerisms bug you, that's only going to get worse.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 August 2015):
 OP basically I get the feeling that you're asking us to give you the go-ahead to break up with this guy.
Without even analyzing your post line by line, let me just ask you a simple question. You're 29 years old. This is the time that most people date with the intention of settling down. Do you see yourself marrying this guy? Do you think you can survive a lifetime with this guy, when you stand a single move of his?
There's your answer.
Move on. There are other fish in the sea.
When you've decided that you'll leave him eventually anyway, what's the point of dragging it out? All the things that you've mentioned, they're not necessarily red flags, they're just issues of compatibility. You two are not compatible. Period. Nothing to feel apologetic about, if the chemistry's not there then its not there and there's nothing you can do about it. See this is the very purpose of dating....you meet people and see how you get along before you commit to bigger things in life. You cant spend your whole life going to cultural events, galleries and museums...you need something more substantial to back a relationship up. If you cant even stand him kissing you because of his breath or the smell of his body when he's next to you, then I think its pretty much gone downhill from there. Plus he seems to be saying all the wrong things and ticking you off.
Let it go OP. You don't owe him anything; not even an explanation. "Its just not working and I don't see it going anywhere. I wish you the best in life." This is ALL you tell him. Nothing else. You don't have to go through issues point by point with him because a happy relationship is one of those things that will happen if it has to and if it doesn't then nothing or no one can force it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 August 2015):
 I think if you already broke up once, and still feel there are red flags that you should end it.
Sarcasm, it's my 6th language and I'm pretty fluent in it. I try NOT use it if I sense the person I'm talking to doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that YOU don't get it when he is being sarcastic or (in his book) funny. It's a fine line.
Being late... I HATE absolutely hate being late, I can't STAND people who can't plan ahead and NOT be late - or AT the least, shot a text (saying hey I'm going to be 10-15 minutes late). Just showing up and pretending nothing happened... not cool in my book.
BUT since you BOTH have shown up late, I would also resent that he is making a big deal out of it, ONLY when it's you being late. That is just rude.
Pointing out a loose thread isn't criticism, that is someone pointing out a loose thread. He may have pointed it out BECAUSE he was paying attention and so that you could perhaps fix it and not ruin your shirt. He doesn't know your wardrobe so how could he notice a new dress?
I think your gut is telling you that you DO NOT find a whole lot of chemistry with him and you are therefore looking for "faults" so you can end it.
You two talk past each other quite a lot it seems. Like the whole under-over ground "drama". You told him, no I can't come out there because of the strike, and I think because you didn't want to get stuck at his place with not easy way home. You took his "don't forget there is overground too" as an insult, but I don't think he meant it as such. However he didn't consider that YOU would be the one in an unfamiliar area trying to get home LATE at night. I lived in London (many years ago) and the tube is an awesome way to get around. And if that is your preferred way of getting around town, then THAT is your preferred way. It's a good thing to try finding NEW ways to get home, but late night ISN'T the time to do so.
My advice? If you don't feel it, END it. There is no need to nitpick his every move and interpret it as he "means" this or that when it does it and I don't like it.
I would say at 6 weeks people "normally" aren't nitpicking their partner, not if they have started to fall for him/her.
An while I agree with him that talking things through can fix things, it is NOT up to him to decide if you want to end it or not.
And remember to NOT compare exes to a current BF. They are INDIVIDUALS and are not going to act, think, feel the same. This guy says :"mmm hmm" maybe because he doesn't want to interrupt and let you know he is listening, for you to go on. But you immediately felt he was dismissing you like your ex did... HE is not your ex.
Dating can be a bit of a gamble. Sometimes you find someone who has a LOT of the right qualities (like this one) but also have some behaviors you don't like. IT IS NOT your job to "change" him or teach him how to treat a woman right. If he is observant enough to notice a loose thread, he should be observant enough to notice what you like and don't like. (not all of it of course he isn't a mind reader). And you should be picking up what he likes/dislikes too.
These things you mention are not "little things" if they stand out so strongly to you. Don't "force" yourself to date someone if your heart isn't in it.
Personally, he doesn't sound like a bad guy, but an inexperienced one. I am not sure if he is really for you.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (23 August 2015):
I think you are overreacting and for whatever reason seem determined to find some kind of an issue. Any kind. If you want it to work, talk to him, it's only his first time. If you're gonna find small small things to criticize it's not gonna get you anyway. Be clear when you have issues, trust me it will help you to judge better, since he'll be reacting at what you really are saying, not what he is meant to understand from your hinting.
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