A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all! Please I need your advice on this issue. I and my bf have been dating for over a year now and we have never had sex. I'm a Virgin and he is a Virgin also. We ar both 23yrs. He really wants us to have sex but I don't want to until we are married . Though we kiss and cuddle. I intend getting married in two years time but he said he is ready to get married now. Although he's willing to hold on till I'm ready. The problem now is that he keeps telling me he feels like having sex and that he always have wet dreams. It makes me feel like I'm being too selfish. Depriving him of sex and making him wait for two years. Am I right to think like this? Please what can I really do to make this relationship work without feeling guilt of being selfish. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2015): Ms. Lawyer-to-be:
Thank you for your response and acknowledgment of my message.
Au revoir.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Mr Anonymous, thanks so much for taking out time to follow up my question. My answer Will be I have the affirmative to your question #2 and I intend sticking with your advise of saying sorry but I will not go there again. Things got a bit loose at some point in our relationship and it has been a bit hard for me to cut out all those stuffs we do together like long kissing etc.
All answers have been helpful. Thanks
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2015): Hello again Ms. Lawyer-to-be:
I commend you on your commitment to your principles. I assume that these discussions have given you pause to have a long, hard look at your principles and decided that you are happy with them and intend to stick with them.
Of course you are not the first woman to be in this situation. If you just search for “reasons to stay chaste” and “how to stay chaste” you will get a lot of discussions, both secular and religious. So I will not get into that. If you have not already done so, perhaps it would be worthwhile to discuss with him the reasons that are most important to you and also some of the ‘how to’ that you think might work for the two of you.
Okay, what about your question of guilt or selfishness? A person does not have to defend or feel selfish if they are living by what they think are valid principles. If, as you have said, you have made your position perfectly clear to him, then if he continues to pressure you about marriage and/or sex, then the guilt should fall on him for trying to move you away from your principles.
Again, you may have addressed the following, but I will press on. It would appear that you have some level of sexual intimacy with him – for example you are discussing sex and he feels free to discuss his urges and wet dreams. But have you set limits on sexual activity? Is your kissing and cuddling so innocent that you would have no qualms if your mother saw you? Or do you engage in long, hot & heavy make-out sessions? If your answer is not quite so dramatic, but more leaning to #2, then perhaps some guilt can creep in. Possibly guilt that you are not living up to your own principles. Or possibly guilt that you are leading him on and taking him to the brink but no further? Only you can decide what would be appropriate in relation to your principles. You can clarify for yourself and him what activities would leave you with feelings of guilt and say that you will just not go there, period. If you have already gone too far, then perhaps you might have to say you are sorry but you will not go there again.
If you will let me try to summarize your position: you have certain principles, you will not engage in activities that do not conform to your principles, no amount of persuasion will deflect you from those principles and you will not feel guilty about conforming to your principles.
Then the bottom line is this – if he will not accept and respect your principles, then you will have to seriously question whether this will be the man that you will marry. I believe this is why we have courtship periods – to find out if the other person will live his life by the same principles as you.
Best…
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks and I wish you all the best in your marriage. To answer your question as to 'whether my religion permits me to be on this kind of website'? I would say yes. So long as I am not using it for purpose of any immoral act. I believe that the injunction of sex after marriage is a good and reasonable one. I don't practice 100‰ of the religion though. What if I have sex with my bf now and he doesn't really like our sex and I get dumped for that and I also get dumped for the same reason by more than five men. What do you think I would have become? Would I like myself for this? I believe no marriage is perfect but the couple makes it perfect during the subsistence of that marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2015): They are being too nice. Religion is great and I have also tried the lets have sex after marriage thing. It is a huge mistake. You need to know who you are marrying, marriage is for a lifetime. Can you honestly live your whole life with mediocre sex? You should test it out and see if you are compatible between the sheets. And what is with all this planning of the exact date to lose your virginity? In two years? You don't even know what is going to happen in the next week. Love and sex should just flow naturally, you are taking all the fun out. What if your husband to be does not like you in bed and starts feeling resented that he was tricked to marry you and to live for the rest of his life unhappy? You know what is frustrating? Time wasted because you will never get it back. I say stop wasting time and see if you really fit before making such a huge commitment in two years. You are well of age. Another question, if you are in one of those strict religions, are you allowed to browse on this website? I am 29, and my husband and I waited three months before having sex, and now we are happily married because we both knew what we were getting ourselves into.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much. My reason for not having sex is due to my religious belief and he knows this and whenever I try to remind him of this he always bring up getting married asap as the solution.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2015): Dear Ms. Lawyer-to-be:
I’m glad you clarified that. But I have a follow-up question.
Are you not having sex because (1) it is your firm belief that people should marry before having sex? Or are you not having sex because (2) you are not ready to have sex with him for some reason, such as, you do not believe that your relationship has progressed to the point where it is appropriate to have sex?
Either way, I think it would be best to clarify that to him if you have not already done so. And further, if it is actually reason #2, then discussing it freely and openly with him would allow both of you to work on it together, which I think would be satisfying for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks janniepeg, I don't think I can compromise getting married in one year. I want to complete law school first before getting married and that's would be in two years time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 August 2015):
 If your stance is to wait, then THAT is what you need to stick with. It's not about being selfish.
He KNEW when you started dating that you wanted to wait till marriage. JUST because he WANTS sex doesn't mean you have to throw your values out the window.
I would actually avoid too much of the "cuddling" as it can be hard to not let it get further.
And he has waited THIS long and not have had sex, he can wait two more years. It's not like you are asking him to not breathe in 2 years, is it?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 August 2015):
 If you think marriage is forever, then two years of waiting is worth it. In many places in the world where divorce rate is 50%, waiting two years seems foolish. At your age it can be hard to predict if you will be happy with him all your life, but I believe men who are still traditional at heart can make it work long term.
Maybe you can compromise and get married within one year? Maybe you haven't graduated from college yet and want to make sure you are done before getting pregnant?
You may think you are being selfish but you are both virgins and are waiting for the same reasons. It's not just about yourself. The decision to have sex when ready is a sensible thing and it brings beneficial results to both. You can either let him express his sexual desires and acknowledge it, or you can say you would rather not hear it because it pressures you and makes you feel guilty. He has the right to express himself and it doesn't mean he's asking for sex. To make it work, you use your energy to plan for the future instead. Avoid indoor intimacy in bed. Focus on emotional connection and spiritual fulfillment.
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