A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend said something worrying to me tonight and I'm not sure how to get it out of my head. My boyfriend has really mild aspergers and that usually means he's brutally bluntly honest no matter what. So when he says things that are mean, it's not because he's trying to be callous or uncaring, he simply can't seem to grasp the impact it has on people.During high school he had a really big crush on this one girl for several years but nothing happened. He just went home for a visit and ran into her there and they talked for awhile. He told me that seeing her reminded him how much he missed talking to her and that he wanted to become close to her again so they could start IMing, sending lots of emails and facebook messages back and forth. I don't mean to sound controlling, but the idea of him re-connecting privately with someone he used to be crazy about is not something I'm thrilled with.Then he went on to say that he thought she was more interesting than me to talk to. He clarified I'm more interesting as a person, but she knows more about current events and so is more interesting to talk to. I asked if he thought she was smarter than me and he said yes probably and that he didn't always think I sounded smart (I'm actually very smart, I have taken many aptitude tests and am usually off the charts in the top 1%). He tried to reassure me by reminding me someone will always be smarter or prettier than me, but that I definitely won in the looks department. For some reason we got on the topic of love and I asked if he was in love with her and he decided that yes, he was in love with her but nothing ever happened.So I'm feeling pretty hurt right now, I don't want him to think the girl he was in love with for several years is more interesting than me and for him to start sending lots of private messages and IMs to her. Is that wrong?
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 June 2012):
 Much of having "great chemistry" is having great communication. The reality is that you are involved with someone with Aspergers, so does he have a pass everytime he says something stupid, rude, or disrespectful? Since you have such great chemistry, I would think he would get a pass. Not to be disrespectful, but this is your reality. The only way to deal with this reality is for the two of you to try and get counseling so that he can better learn to control his impulses or you will have to bury your feelings and deal with it. Does this man of yours not have a job where he has to know what is appropriate and what is not appropriate to say? Look at the reality of what you will be living/dealing with and see if that is what you want. Try to fix it, but be prepared for the fact that only HE can control himself. If he cares about you and the relationship, I think he would jump at the chance to go to therapy so he doesn't throw away this relationship with great chemistry.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think we are mismatched. There's that kind of chemistry and compatibility there that you see in movies but don't really expect in real life. All my friends and family agree we're perfect together, as in they can't ever picture us not together. There's just a communication problem that I don't know how to solve...
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 June 2012):
Right, this is part of who he is and he will continue to say hurtful things. I suppose it's possible he could learn to better control his comments through therapy if he would be willing to go. You keep saying you are really smart and the implication you are making is that maybe you and he are mismatched? Or that he is not appreciating you like you want to be appreciated. If you think you are mismatched and no longer want to be with him, then maybe you should consider leaving.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I do sympathise with you, it's not nice when someone says something thoughtless to you and makes you feel bad but if you date someone with a condition where this is going to be a frequent occurance, then it's probably best you don't date that kind of person.
His condition isn't going to go away so this sort of thing is bound to continue throughout your relationship.
Maybe it's time to assess the relationship as a whole and decide whether you can handle it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe said (supposedly) he has NO feelings for her whatsoever, he just misses her as a friend, supposedly. Nothing ever happened between them even though the feelings were there for three years. Supposedly no chemistry when they tried to go on two dates that went nowhere.
I'm not so much concerned he's going to cheat or run off with her (she has a boyfriend and lives hundreds and hundreds of miles away) as I am just hurt he would say that... I'm really smart, and I think I'm interesting as do many. I've never met anyone who doesn't think I'm smart, so it's really hurtful for him to say that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I agree with sarcy24 when she said :
" You need to be as equally blunt back whether it is in your nature or not."
I would also tell him that he needs to figure out NOW if he wants to pursue the other girl or not, because you have no intentions to sit idly by and wait for it to happen (love and relationship between them). So IF he wants to chat/IM and so forth with her BECAUSE he has feelings for her, then I would tell him I will back off. Because I will not be your safety net in case SHE doesn't work out. Asperger or not, you can not run around and play with people's emotions like that.
He may not totally GRASP empathy, and that is why you need to spell it out to him.
Have you asked him how he may feel if you did something like that?
(not that I suggest you do, I don't believe in tit for tat, but sometimes you have to make people SEE things from your perspective to fully understand what you mean.
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A
female
reader, MyDaysOnceRevolvedAroundYou +, writes (10 June 2012):
 Yes, this man has a condition of which he has no empathy or understanding of what his actions do to effect people. But you must tell him straight that if he wants to continue to have a relationship with you, in order to keep it healthy he must not keep in contact with this girl if he has rekindled feelings for her. I'm sure this is something you can work on, it must be very difficult being with someone who is as blunt as this and I admire you for sticking around, but you must tell him how you feel or else you may very well lose him.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (10 June 2012):
Whether he has a condition or not does not matter. Everyone always has an excuse for bad behavior. Don't make excuses...treat him as if he didn't have the Asberger's. I agree you need to be blunt back. Tell him he hurt you and you don't want to be with someone who is going to treat you like you're disposable. Then, I would ask him if this means your relationship is over. Don't buy into any excuses for this type of treatment...it's emotional abuse. If you're in a serious relationship with someone, you dont' IM, text, or send emails to anyone else...period.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (10 June 2012):
 Aspergers people due to the nature of their condition are very blunt and see everything in black and white not in shades of grey. You need to be as equally blunt back whether it is in your nature or not. I would tell him that what he has said to you has hurt and upset you and that he reconnecting with this woman is unacceptable to you. Spell out to him in foreceful blunt words why this is so and see how he reacts. If he cannot see it then I suggest you tell him that you feel it is necessary to go on a break from him to give him the space and time to 're-connect'. He has been extremely insulting and although he can't see it it is not fair that you should be spoken to like this. He is having it very easy with you and you are very accepting of his condition. I would be much harsher with him and lay down some rules. I have known two people with Aspergers and each time they were told in no unceratin terms that what they were saying and doing was wrong and hurtful ( and they had to be spoken to in the most rude way possible for the message to get across) they eventually grasped the point and realised how unacceptable their behaviour had been. I would explain t him forcefully how rude he is being and then give him a wide berth for a while. I would have no worries over the other lady as I doubt she would be as accommodating and able to put up with him as you are so even if they do email and text nothing will come of it. You are clearly very patient, considerate and mature in your outlook on life.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 June 2012):
To be honest, aspergers or no aspergers, if he's going to cheat on you, there is very little you can do to stop him.
At least, in your case, it's all out there in the open, so you have all the facts before you to make a choice whether a relationship with him is right for you or not.
I agree what he has said is blunt and insensitive, but I also know there are a million people (and more) out there cheating and carrying on behind their partners backs, from casual flirty texts and e-mails, to full blown sexual liasons and a leg out the door!!The truth never comes out and those people don't have a choice to stay or leave because they are unaware it's going on.
You also don't know yet...but you have a good idea which way it's leaning, because he has told you!!
Be blunt back,
Tell him, you don't like it, you want it to stop as it is destroying your trust in him. Would he be happy if you started talking, texting and being overly complimentary about someone from your past...no, it'd be a slap in the face!!
If he cannot see that, then you need to decide to stay and put up with it, or to leave.
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