A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, guys. i will try keep this short but i really would like some advice. I have been living with my partner for 3 years been together for 4. He has 2 children from a previous marraige that spend a lot of time with us. We take them on holidays. Buy them whatever they need as my partner is not short of money. When they are here, they overtake the house. They are boy 12 and girl 14. They constantly fight,lay in their pyjamas till late afternoon. watch what they want on the tv all day or play on the computer. If they are asked to do one single chore, it's like world war 3 has broken out as they are too lazy to lift a finger. The girl especially. She throws her clothes all over the bedroom and sweets and crisp packets all over the house. If i say anything to them, i just get a dirty look as if i have no right. If i complain to my partner, he says they are just kids and it's me picking on them. We argue about this all the time and have had some huge fights about it. I have had children myself who are grown up now and living on their own so i know about bringing up kids and i did it on my own. dad was hardly around. They are both graduates so i think i did a pretty good job.I don't raise my voice to his kids and i have never disciplined them as i know it is not my place but he won't do it either. The older child kicks and punches him if she can't get her own way and this upsets me to see. I spoke to him about her behavior and he yet again said it was me causing arguments. I tried to explain that kids have to be taught right from wrong, even his kids but he won't have any of it. there are no consequences for bad behavior or disrespecting us and they know this. They stay with their mother during the week but are here most weekends and all the holidays. Im tearing my hair out and don't know what to do. I told him that i was not gonna be a stepmum when it comes to cooking, washing, shopping for his kids if i don't have a say on the rules in our home. It is difficult as this is his house and the kids remind me of that too. If i put up and shut up and ignore things then we all get along fine but why should i have to do that? We had a huge fight the other night and havn't spoken for 2 days. we are sitting in different rooms in the house. It is awful. I sent him an email as we cannot talk, explaining how i felt and if he would rather me leave than get some order in this house then that is what i will have to do. He sent a reply saying it was all me and i get moody when things don't go my way and that the kids are just kids and do no wrong. I have just had enough. It's the 3 of them against me and I'm fighting a loosing battle. Do i put up and shut up or do i leave. please help x
View related questions:
money, on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 June 2012):
 Ok. Voice out of the choir here. I know I am going to be chewed up and spit out both by the OP and by the other posters , but, I'll be brave :). And I hope it's a least interesting having a different perspective.
I am on the dad 's side, or better, I can understand that the OP is frustrated and annoyed that things aren't going the way she thinks they should go. But should they really ? And even if they should, they aren't ,- so maybe there are other ways to deal with that other than creating a permanenet rift with your partner , leaving the relationship altogether, eating out your liver in silent anger or getting yourself pegged as a nagging shrew ? Like, a shift of perspective.
Don't sweat it and step back. Those are his kids, and his house. How he lets them live and discipline them ( or does not ) , and how they will turn out as adults, is really no skin off your nose.
I don't want to say that you are controlling, but surely you have a clear picture in mind of how things should be and in mind your own manual of good behaviour rules.
Maybe that worked for you, you adopted a more disciplinarian parenting style with good results. But he is not you, and his kids are not yours , and it seems to me that you are very decided to sweat the small stuff and do not show flexibility.
They take over " the house- well,it's their dad's house, it's not like they are some occasional guests. Actually, it's a house that if ( God forbid ! ) your bf should die tomorrow, they will inherit authomatically, and you would not , unless specified in his will. These are his children and it's normal that he wants them to feel at home .
It's also normal that he is preoccupied about what they want to do or eat or buy , and that he is tryng to do his best to let them have a nice weekend. He has 5 days a week to be with you all alone, and to give you time, attention and affection- if 2 days a week the spotlight shifts to his own kids, well,there's nothing strange in that.
Then: I suspect that all the people who are horrified about these lazy, spoiled, horrible misbehaving brats haven't been around kids their age recently.
They are normal kids , not examples of evil and depravation. We are not talking about drugs, alcohol, sex, stealing, self harm, violence, or other bad stuff.
They fight between themselves, as most siblings do at that age. They wear their pijamas till afternoon- and why that bothers you ? Is there a dress code at your bf's place, and who is to enforce it, you ? The girls drops her clothes on the floor- what's the problem ? Isn't it her room ? They watch a lot of Tv and spend time on their computer- as most kids do. Why does it bother you ? What are they supposed to do ? apparently you also dislike if their father makes special efforts to entertain them... they can't win. Left to themselves ,how are they supposed to entertain themselves ? It's THEIR weekend too, what do you want them to do for fun and relaxation ?
I understand your desire to run a tight ship, I even applaud it to some extent- but, it's not your ship and not your crew. There are always different ways to do anything, including raising children- yours was a good one, but it's not the only one, and most of all is not the one that your bf has chosen. You feel disrespected, but ultimately, keeping challenging him about stuff that obviously he feels differently about from you, may be disrespectful to HIM. Like implying : I'm right you're wrong. I am a good parent you are a bad one.
Why can't you trust he knows what he is doing even if he does it in a different way ?
As for the chores, I guess it's a question of upbringing.
I was not asked to do chores at 12 or 14 , nobody I know was, my son was not , .... and we all grew up allright and managed to stay clean, healthy and off the streets :) ( My son, actually, at 22 is a total neatness freak and very annoying with his super tidiness ).
Now you'll say and what am I supposed to do, just slave after them and double my workload for them ? NOOO ! NOT AT ALL.
Relax. It's the weekend. What are all these extra " chores " they would require anyway ?
Don't wash and don't iron for them. They'll learn to come over with enough extra clothing. Don't cook for them, meaning cook what you'd normally do for yourself and bf, just double the quantity which is no effort. No special treats. If they want anything different- their dad can take them out .
Use paper plates and plastic forks and knives.
Simplify.
Accept that the house is going to be a bit messier with two extra people, of whatever age. No big deal. The sofa pillows won't be all nice and straightened as they are normally, the important thing is to enjoy a peaceful weekend, not having an immaculate sofa.
Still not enough for your tastes ? Easy then- tell the dad to clean after his kids, and to do the extra work their arrival involves. If it is really SO MUCH extra work, it's a reasonable request and he should be happy to comply.
Even easier , since he is not hurting for money : call- or have him call a cleaner . First thing Monday morning , if they really leave such a trail of destruction behind them.
And just tell them to get their butt of the sofa when you want to sit down- dirty looks ? You are thrice their age, are you intimidated by kids ?
" Ignorance... laziness.... they can't even sit straight " .. there's a lot of pent up anger and excessive , unnecessary resentement in these words . These are just kids. Not the best behaved kids, perhaps, - and most of all not raised the way you would have raised yours , but still, 12 and 14 y.o. kids. No need to antagonize them, no need to take them so seriously, no need to ruin an otherwise good relationship with their father for something that is a huge deal only if you make it so.
A good, loving relationship counts more than a neat house.
Said by someone who is totally NOT a slob :).
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 June 2012):
 This would be a deal-breaker for me. I understand that divorced, non-custodial parents want to be the good-guy, which means not making any waves. But there has to be a happy medium. Of course his children will always come first, but that does not mean letting them run wild and consequently raising spoiled brats.
He is showing you tremendous disrespect. And he has made it clear that nothing will change. So yes, your choice is to continue to be disrespected, or to leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): I just met someone when I was out, and a man looked really distressed,he told me a story about his wife just leaving him out of the blue. He said, all was good, and then she left to live with her mother taking her young daugter with her.I am sure she told him, or was trying to communicate with him, and he wouldn't listen. This is what I see will happen here. What you describing an awfully spoiled children, but that's not even the point.The point is that he doesn't care that you are not happy.He doesn't care now and he won't care in a future. He is not willing even to look in a situation , or have some sort of reaction to your complaints. Even if you are unreasonable in his eyes, he can't ignore the fact that you aren't happy.You can't change anyone, all you need to do is the situation. I know it's easier said than done, but I don't see how else you can change this obviously very unhappy situation for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, MyDaysOnceRevolvedAroundYou +, writes (10 June 2012):
 Kids will be kids, but you are not their servant. If your partner does not respect you enough to back you up, then he is not worth your time, leave him to be their servant and I bet he won't last a week putting up with what you have. I know this will be hard, as you have spent so much of your life with this man, but really you can do so much better.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 June 2012):
You are in a precarious position, a guest in your own home, as you have no say about how others (his kids)behave in your home.
Speak to him again, tell him you want to find a solution and ask for his input. If he tells you nothing will change then I think it's time to move out and maybe not live together until the kids are older.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 June 2012):
 Hi
Hard as it is, I would leave. Your partner is putting his kids first which up to a point is fine.But he should be backing you some of the time,telling his kids to help with chores etc, your not some maid servant for the 3 of them.
When you have already bought up your own kids you understand them and you have already battled through the teen stages etc. As you have no support from the boyfriend, its like your on your own again coping.
You should be relaxing a bit,enjoying life with somebody who's in your situation. Been there,done that type of thing. Youve given this relationship your best shot.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): Thankyou for taking the time to write. appreciate it. He works away and travels the country during the week so we do have a lot of time apart. I have tried going to stay with family at weekends when things get me down but he doesn't care. I don't even hear from him. My family and friends are a 3 hour drive away so i can't do it all the time. I come back cause i have to go to work here and he just says that i am mental and behaving like a child. I know kids will be kids and misbehave but the point i am trying to make is that they should not be rewarded for bad behavior. He said he doesn't have them full time so he is not going to shout at them or take any privaliges away. Even the youngest has said to me in the past that he prefers to be at dads cause they can do what they want. The whole weekend is about what games they want to play, what they are watching on tv all night and what they are having to eat and when! Where they want to go and how much money they can have. They are not even capable of sitting up on the sofa, they have to lie down all day and many times i come in the room and they just look up at me, then carry on and don't attempt to sit up so i can sit down. My partner says stop moaning and tell them to move but when i do, they huff and puff and give me dirty looks so i just usually go in another room as it's easier. I then get told that i hide myself away and i am being ignorant. I can't win. Maybe i should try put my foot down and tell them myself but i don't want them to hate me and i know my partner will resent me. I just want him to speak to them about their ignorance and laziness sometimes but he won't. I am just mental according to him and i should overlook these things cause they are just kids. Maybe i am mental for putting up with this. he molly coddles them like 2 year olds. I to dread what it will be like for them when they are adults because they won't have a clue. Dad already has account set up for them with enough money to pay for uni and buy them both a house. They are always asking how much they have and what they will get when dad dies. It's frightening. but maybe i should have the attitude that they are not my kids so i don't care. I might get better thought of.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (10 June 2012):
 I am in the same age group as you and can understand where you are coming from. The children appear to be terribly badly spoilt and lazy. It must be very hard for you to be in the house when the 3 of them are against you and you are constantly reminded that it is not your home. Your partner is not doing his children any favours as they will not be able to carry on like this when they are grown up and living independently. Your partner needs to step in and take action over how disrespectful they are to you and he seems weak to not want to or is he like a lot of men - avoiding confrontation at all costs or trying to assuage his guilt at leaving them and the mother. I think you need to take yourself off to a hotel or a travelodge for a few days respite from all of this so you can see things more clearly. This will give your partner time to miss you and to reassess the situation. I personally could not put up with this long term. Things must be very lax at the mother's house or else they just take advantage at your home because they know the father is not going to do anything and rock the status quo so they get away with murder. I would take myself off for a few days just to calm dowm about it all and re-evaluate what i personally need it life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 June 2012):
 Have you got somewhere to go? I doubt I would be happy to cook and clean up after kids such as those you are describing.
If you are sitting in different rooms now, how about if you come to an agreement that will be what happens when the kids come to visit. You stay in your room and let him and his kids do whatever they want in HIS house. Of course, once they are gone you would need to be strong enough not to clean up after them, and if their father doesnt clean it up you would need to live around any mess until they came back the following weekend and created more.
Think seriously about what you want, can you put up with the attitude for the next 10 years and then maybe get the same treatment from their offspring as well?
I think I'd be looking for a way out if it was me.
...............................
|
