A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just met a divorced guy with a teenage son. He seems lovely and genuine. We have been going out a lot these past few months and I can't help but notice how visual he is towards attractive women. I asked him if he knew the prety barmaid last week as he kept looking ov at her every couple of minutes. And no I am not the jealous paranoid type. He said I was quiet in the pub and she was a distraction. He apologised and said it wasn't how it looked. The next day he looked over his shoulder as we walked past a young woman on her phone. It's actually becoming an issue for me and tonight I didn't feel like meeting him. We talked on the phone and he said I'm overreacting and he really didn't notice anything unusual about his behaviour. So now I feel like I'm left with the negative feelings to deal with. My ex ws not like this and this is new to me. He said he looks at men and women but not in the way I think. I disagree and always notice him looking intently at young blonde women in tight tops or short skirts. He is 38!!! Im now worried about him meeting my family and friends as if he behaves like this it will embarrass me. Does anyone else deal with this?
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female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (20 May 2013):
 Psychology Today article reckons men who do this are borderline sociopaths. If you've asked him to stop and he continues, then he has a contempt for you which is worse than the ogling. Hope the following article helps from psychology today:-
" I understand that insecurity is a big problem today, especially for women. And I'm a self-deluded victim who looks at everyone else as better-looking even when I have a loving husband who regularly reminds me of my beauty and his love for me. I know my husband loves me as I love him. But when I see him look another woman up and down, my blood boils. If I say something, he rants and raves about my insecurities. Everyone tells me to just let it go, that it's "just human nature." I just can't bring myself to accept that, but should I?
You're right to keep the matter alive—not because it takes a big emotional toll on you but because the real issue is not your husband's looking at other women in a very obvious way. It's his contempt for your feelings. There's nothing natural about that. And it's a very destructive force in any relationship.
By definition, a marriage requires that two people be sensitive to each other's emotional needs and set some ground rules, working out behavior patterns that don't constantly grate on each other. Yes, obviously ogling other women when he's with you is a little too blatant and comes across as an implicit put-down of you and the relationship. It doesn't take a whole lot of insecurity to dislike it. In fact, there are far better reasons than insecurity for why it's problematic: It's just downright disrespectful of the company he's with. It's an indirect display of contempt.
It's troubling that his response is to rant and rave about your insecurities. That is simply compounding the diss to you. Far from mustering any sympathy for your distress, he's taking your vulnerability and using it as a weapon against you. And then he's blaming you, making it your problem, not a consequence of his indulgent behavior. I'm not sure what you consider a "loving husband," but this is not anyone's definition of loving behavior.
You simply can't keep accepting the victim stance and expect the relationship to improve. For starters, you have to break the pattern of hot reactivity around his ogling behavior. Try not saying anything at all the next time, and the next. Sure, your blood will still boil, but prepare in advance to distract yourself from the inner turmoil. Don't offer up what he deems your insecurities as fodder for an attack on you. Your husband is bound to notice eventually that you're not reacting. When he does, that's the time to have a calm conversation about the situation. Find a place to talk.
You need to say something along these lines, in your own words: I don't like you looking at other women when we're out together, because it is very disrespectful to me and our relationship and it makes you look foolish. But I don't have the power to stop you, and I won't even try. What I do need you to do is stop attacking me if I voice discomfort. How should we handle this situation the next time it comes up? If he is unwilling to negotiate new ground rules, then tell him the personal attacks are unacceptable and you just simply have to avoid going out with him until he can come up with a better way. Then stick to the plan.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): I don't know if these men realize how uncomfortable it is for a women they stare at. This is why we are humans, the most intelligent specie on Earth, so we can control our natural instincts. There is no excuse that he is doing it, at the same time telling you that you are seeing it wrong. It's imbarrasing to have a man like this with you when all your family is a round. What if there will be a pretty niece or cousin there, and he will stare at her the whole night?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (23 April 2013):
 Of course he doesn’t notice anything unusual about his behaviour; that’s who he is… But there’s ogling and then there’s glancing. Here, he’s making an effort to actually look around and keenly observe – get the picture – you’re not in it!? No need for him to meet the family just yet is there, it’s still early days!?
Perhaps have him meet your friends first before taking the next step with family… That way you’ll see where his genuine focus is?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 April 2013):
 If he still looks at women in a way that makes you uncomfortable it may be that he does not know he's doing it. He may know he's doing it and not care.
My husband is like this. Or he was. I haven't seen him do it in a while, but when he sees something young and cute that catches his eye, he does what I lovingly call "the exorcist neck thingy" and I know he means it to be a compliment to the young lady but it's comical to me. He's looking at young girls (he's 39 and I'm 53 btw) and it's so blatant as to be funny to me and I'll even comment... "don't break your neck" and we keep going. I sense it doesn't bother me as much as it bothers most women. I"m not sure if it's that I'm inappropriate myself or, that I'm just very secure with the fact that my husband is not going anywhere. I was once on the phone with him and he was out of state and he was walking in a city and I heard him say "gorgeous legs" to a woman walking past him. He does not even get how stalker like he seemed.
If his behavior embarrasses you, then you say to him "listen we have a problem. I find your excessive ogling of other women to be embarrassing and I'm not going to be able to continue this relationship if you are going to continue to blatantly stare at other women when we are in public together." (remember you cannot control what he does when he is not with you) If he says that he can't help himself and he is who he is, you may have to end the relationship. IF he is truly unaware of his behavior (and he may be) then maybe you can teach him to control it better.
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (22 April 2013):
Well, it might be worth getting the male perspective again and asking CMMP, who said he does check out women when he is not with his wife - perhaps he can shed the all illuminating light on why people can behave so crassly when in a relationship with someone?I did have this problem with my now husband at the beginning of our relationship. He did it all the time but I doubted myself and so did not issue any ultimatums. When there was no doubting what he was doing, I issued the ultimatum. I said it was the only thing we argued about and for an intelligent guy, he sure could be stupid at times. I said if he ever did it again, then we were over. Sure enough, he is now in control of his behaviour and we are not long married. Also, it is not nice to be the object of those stares. I've seen guys check me out when they have been with their partner and quite frankly, I just think they are a cock!! However, women aren't all nice either. My hubby is a looker and women stare at him all the time, even when we are together walking along holding hands. What is that all about??
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 April 2013):
 Maybe he is immature... or more probably he is just rude . His sense of of what 's socially and relationally appropriate may be very different from yours , only you haven't found out yet because you don't know him much, and that, yes, may be a big problem.
I agree that looking at pretty sights is human ,instinctive and normal, ( I do it too :) but all instincts can be submitted to reason , so he does not HAVE to crane his neck, drool or stare, he can be content with a quick and discreet once over. Also because this blatant admiration can be not only annoying for the partner but also invasive for the object of the stares , who never asked for these big displays of admiration.
Tell him to please cut it out, it does not matter what he has in mind , if he is staring out of lust, or with the
esthetic rapture of an artist - it's just inappropriate, people are not pictures at an exhibition, just there for your visual pleasure.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2013):
 Heh, human males also like to scratch their umm...packages on a regular basis, but they wouldn't do it in public or at work or out on a date or a job interview. Same for blowing their noses, but never at the dinner table.
All men are visual, but to blatantly ogle women in public in the presence of one's partner shows bad manners, similar to the above examples.
Men with good manners have honed their peripheral vision down to an art. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): I am the OP.
Thanks for the male perspective.
I like the look of Italian waiters and there are some pretty fit guys who run along the seafront in lycra but I can control myself in public and I'm sure most of my friends husbands and boyfriends have acquired this skill by the age of 38. I'm just wondering if he's immature for his age. If I have pointed this out and he really can't help himself maybe it will be a real problem for us : (
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 April 2013):
He likes to check out women because he is a human male. The only difference between him and your ex is a little self control. Either that or your ex was afraid of passing you off and this guy isn't.
I check women out when I'm not with my wife; when I am I generally don't.
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