A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I have a question about one of my guy friends.He is a sweet guy that would do anything for me.We hang out get along great but are just friends. he has been hinting around that he wants more, but I have a fiance and just want to remain friends. he has been flirting with me more than ever lately and yes I have been responding back. the problem is within the last week he has been stating how much he wants to be with me intamently. He tries to kiss me but I tell him know and usually leave. the other day he tried kissing me but when I said no he wouldnt stop. he started to let his hands roam and kept trying to kiss my neck, lips cheek. I couldn't really move as he is much bigger than I am. I finally got out of the situation. Everytime I see him(we work together)he tries doing it again. Im not quite sure how to handle this. Should I be nervous? I don't think he would hurt me but Im getting a little freaked out. he keeps saying that I am making him crazy when he sees me. I have told him that we can't be friends anymore if he doesn't stop but he insists that he isnt going away anytime soon.
View related questions:
engaged, fiance, flirt, kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): First, you need to tell your fiancé about your friend and this problem. Second, the two of you need to speak to your friend and firmly tell him that his actions/words are unacceptable. Either he agrees to keep his distance, or he doesn't and if so then you need to cut off all contact with him. In that case, you need to choose your friend or your fiancé. Obviously, you would choose your fiancé or you risk breaking your relationship with him. You should have cut contact with your friend long ago knowing that he doesn't respect you or your fiancé. I understand that you work together. In that case, do not have any "friendship" contact with him. Only interact with him during work regarding work and otherwise keep your distance at work. Be responsible and protect your relationship. Best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the sound advise. Yes I have been friendly, a tease, ect. towards him in the past as we were friends before I met the man of my dreams. I haven't let him kiss me. He tried but I got away from him. I have asked him repeatedly to stop & have told him there is nothing between us. I have been a tease in the past but have worked very hard to clean up my act since meeting my fiance..That being said..I have talked to my family & fiance & told them the whole true story. They gave me pretty much the same advise. Wrote him a nice yet firm email stating the advise posted. He has not responded to the email but stated today at work that he will have what he wants. I will be talking to HR in the morning. Thank you all for the helpful advise, even the not so nice ones but the truth is what it is & yes I havent been super firm with him in the past..thank you again & I will keep you all posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): There are 2 separate issues here. First is whether you bear any responsibility for this? Yes you do as you have been sending mixed messages. You need to stop flirting and leading him on to think that you welcome his advances. Second issue is, does he bear any responsibility? Of course he does!!! Even if you were his girlfriend, it doesn't mean you always at any time of the day or in any place should be willing to have intimate contact just because he does. There is still the issue of consent. Even if you were his wife it is still ok and appropriate to say "I don't want to make out or have sex right this very minute since we are at work and I have work to do! " and if he were to not take no for an answer he would be in the wrong and that would be on him. So basically you need to first cover your bases by cleaning up your act, then you can hold him 100% accountable. Stop flirting completely. Explain clearly that you do not want him to touch you. Be consistent in your behavior. Don't give in or concede anything out of timidity or awkwardness. Send him an email so you have a record of it in writing. Then, hold him accountable. If you've said no and he continues, then behave as you would it if was a total stranger : shout for help, pepper spray him in the face, report him to HR.If he still wont leave you alone then he is no friend. Friends respect each others boundaries. Instead he is a stalker or has some psychological issues. Be very careful here. All the more you must not give him any reason to think you have any interest in him. Stop talking to him. Ignore him even when he attempts to talk. If someone doesn't leave you alone despite zero reciprocation from you and after you have told them to back off, this is now officially socially deviant behavior and you may have to take drastic measures like call the police or quit your job. Flirting with others while married or in a relationship is morally wrong. But if it turns out that you picked the "wrong " guy to flirt with, it can actually be a very serious and potentially dangerous situation for you and your fiance. You might want to own up to your fiance sometime soon because if this guy is dangerous your fiance may become a target. I think the chance of that is very small but if this guy has already had no problems forcing himself on you who knows how much he may escalate it.
...............................
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (29 June 2013):
 Yes, I'd also like to know your thoughts about how you would feel if your fiance flirted with other girls/women the way you do with men?? Would you feel loved? Would you trust him? Would you feel valued and respected?? You are not acting lady like or like a woman ready to commit for marriage.I'll tell you what I do - I'm an attractive girl - tall, skinny, European... I never have random men hitting on me. Why? Because I don't flirt, I limit eye contact with men in bars and I set limits when someone becomes inappropriate. The few times in my life when I did relax alittle, drink too much and flirt - I ended up surrounded by a group of 10 guys or more. I never liked the attention and I don't think it is respectful to my now husband. So, I limited it. There are no excuses here. In anything in life, you set the limits in how you allow people to treat you!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): I agree with the male answers here - you have been leading him on, flirting heavily and seeing him outside of the workplace. In his head, this gives him the green light to pursue you. You've come off a tease, easy and probably wanting something that might lead to sex. Hence he is aggressive. He thinks you are playing hard to get. Don't get your fiance involved, unless you tell him the whole truth, even then - do you want him to get emotionally hurt by you or physically hurt by the other guy??You've crossed so many boundaries, I'm not sure why you are even engaged! You need to write this guy a short and firm letter making it clear that he is harrassing you and his actions will be reported if he does not stop. Apologize if you've made him feel that this is ok. End the letter and never ever meet with him outside of work.If it escalates from here, then you're safety is in question and you truly need to report it at work and to the police.
...............................
A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (29 June 2013):
 As they say, "the truth hurts." Cerberus' answer may feel like a backhand to the face, but it's the most honest.You're a grown woman who has a man devoted to you enough to be willing to commit to you in matrimony, and you can't even figure out how to say no a flirty guy friend/coworker?I think you know perfectly well how to fix the situation, but you're willfully refusing because you enjoy the flattery and attention.My advice is that you take a long, hard look at yourself to determine if you're really ready to quit playing games with all the men who will soon be off-limits to you when you're married.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): Seems the previous female posters ignored the part of your question where you have stated you've been flirting heavily with this guy and letting him kiss you. Or perhaps they think it's okay for you to do that without any consideration for the effect it may have.
You're just a tease OP, what did you expect? Say what you want but you're only in this situation because you want to be.
"he has been flirting with me more than ever lately and yes I have been responding back"
Well that's not the action of woman who doesn't like his attention is it? You know he likes you and wants you and you keep feeding that by flirting with him and going to be alone with him.
You tell him no and leave, then you go back to him again and let him do it again.
By all means tell your fiancé like the ladies suggested, if you were my fiancée I'd break off the engagement and do some serious thinking about the type of woman I'm with if she can't handle male attention without responding, feeding it and then going back for more.
My fiancée would never allow that and she's a shameless flirt. But she only flirts with guys and girls who have no intention of being with her. You think I'd accept some bullshit excuse like "He's too strong for me I couldn't get him off?" Not a chance, when she knew well in advance what he is like and how forward he is. There is no chance in hell you can trust a woman who thinks it's okay to feed men's desires then play victim.
I mean you're in your late 20's and you can't figure out how to get rid of unwanted male attention? I don't believe that for one second, I think what you're really asking is "how can I keep this guy doing anything for me and giving me attention without going too far?"
Best of luck with that, you know how easy it is to stop this but you don't want to lose all that he has to offer. You just want things on your terms.
There's nothing warped or creepy about a guy who keeps trying it on with a tease, a woman who shows all the signs of being interested which you so very clearly do. It's not creepy for a guy who has made it clear he wants you to keep trying when you keep flirting with him and spending alone time with him.
Stop being a tease OP.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): Youre letting it happen! Get a hold of yourself woman! Dont talk to him stop all contact that isnt work Related
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (29 June 2013):
First of all: this guy is not your friend and he isn't nice. He repeatedly ignored your wishes to get what he wants. That's a serious violation of trust and it's not okay at all. This guy is one step away from being a rapist. The fact that he doesn't care that you don't want him and keeps trying to get it on with you is a serious red flag.
You are going to have to be firm with him. Being wishy washy and nice in hopes he'll get the hint won't work. It'll just convince him you're weak and will bend to his will. If you feel guilty because he's done so much for you, consider that when someone does something for you, it's not an transaction. You do not owe him anything. So get rid of your guilt and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, because if you don't you're going to end up in a terrible situation.
Next time you see him, tell him: "I may not have been entirely clear before, so I want to set this straight once and for all. I am engaged. I'm therefore officially 'off the market' and not interested in being with anyone else other than my fiance. Please respect that and stop trying to come on to me. I cannot give you what you want."
And after that, never, ever contact him again. This guy is a creep and hanging out with him or initiating contact with him puts you at serious risk. If you do meet up with him, make sure your fiancee or someone else you trust is with you. Do not ever end up alone with him again. If he doesn't give up, report him to the authorities.
Stand up for yourself, be firm. Being nice isn't being wishy washy. Being firm and honest is. I know you're a kind person and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but when people don't treat you with the same care and consideration, you're going to have to adapt..
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 June 2013):
 yech! What a creep. This is not a nice guy, nice guys listen when girls say no.
Stop being anywhere this guy is, especially without your fiancé, this person is not a friend, tell him he has overstepped the mark and walk away, quickly. Block him on social network sites such as facebook and make sure your fiancé and family are aware of what he is doing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 June 2013):
 This is ridiculous! How can the guy just force himself on you? You NEED to tell your fiance about this *right now*...I cannot stress this enough...and also tell your family. This guy is scary OP, he is a potential stalker, he is forcing himself on you and you could be in serious danger. I don't think you realize the enormity of the problem here. This is not just someone who likes you from a distance, this is a man who has made it clear that he isn't going anywhere anytime soon and he doesn't even care for the fact that you are engaged and not interested in him. He's delusional and that is really creepy and scary.
Don't ever meet him alone, ask your boyfriend to tell him to back off and lodge a complaint against him as soon as possible. This is no small matter. Stop hanging out with him, stop talking to him, stop responding to him. By doing all this, you are inadvertently leading him on. To a delusional person, these are all clear signs that you too are interested in him.
Please be careful and be safe. Don't ever be alone with him. Make sure everyone around you knows about him so that you people know what he's up to. This isn't a "sweet guy" OP, this is a very serious warped idiot who could cause serious trouble for you if you don't stop him right now.
...............................
|
