A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've posted on here a couple of times recently. I had some great feedback. Basically, it was about my ex. She's been so on again-off again with me. One minute I'm the love of her life and she wants to live with me, marry me and have a family with me. The next she says she can't be in a relationship. This past time she wrote me a letter saying I'm everything she could ever look for in a partner and her best friend/soul mate and is going to marry me. Ten hours later she said she couldn't be in a relationship. My problem is I don't know how to get closure. Every time I've ever had a break up, I always knew deep down in my heart that it was for the best. And yes, it would hurt. But in a week or two time, I could manage to get to a good place in my head and heart about it. In this instance, though, I'm so confused. How can I be the love of her life one day, then the next nothing? And which is a lie and which is true? Cause it can't be both. And being away from her is excruciating. It's killing me. I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone. And I just can't settle my head or heart about it because I can't get the closure I need. How can you when you mean the world to someone one second, then they don't want to be with you the next? I guess I just need advice now on how to get the closure I need. Because this is really tearing me up.
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female
reader, Alba5  +, writes (30 June 2013):
I think this lady is really emotionally insecure. If you want to stay with her then prepare for this daily and can you imagine the day you get married????
You've asked how to get closure so obviously you've had enough of emotional blackmail as that is what this is. Don't answer her calls and don't answer the door when she comes around. I know it sounds hard but you seem as if you need her as an emotional crutch DON'T. Go out with your friend, heal yourself and keep yourself busy and you won't depend on her anymore.
Remember she's doing this to you because you allow her to and she gets some kick out of emotionally threatening you.
You're going to find a caring and loving woman in no time I promise.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): Easily, because she doesn't mean it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 June 2013):
 She doesn't know what she wants. I think she LOVES the idea of you two but not the reality of it.
Look at her actions only, for a few. IS THAT someone you want to be with? Filter out the sweet talk.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 June 2013):
 Simple : if you are the love of her life one moment, and nobody special the next... then you are NOT the love of her life. Love is also about being consistent in time, and mantaining the feelings through the emotional and practical ups and downs of everyday's life.
" On and off " and " love of my life " are two expressions that do not go together well.
Your ex seems emotionally unbalanced , she does not know well what she wants, but if she can flip-flop like that,- then she does not REALLY want you . Maybe she is one of those persons who are just emoting, rather than expressing feelings- you know, one of those persons that have to immediately throw out every thought , sensation, mood, before they have digested, absorbed and made it their own- as if they were throwing up a half-digested meal.
As for closure, the only one that counts and that works is the closure YOU give yourself : when you are finally sick and tired and you say : enough- I am not going totake this anymore, I am moving on- THEN you get closure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): i agree with loopylu45...that you better tell her...what you tell us her, so she know your problem...By the way, i'm like the attitude of your ex...my feelings towards him are on and off also...i really love him but i turn off if i don't feel he give importants to me...i'm so annoyed he can't talk me in private but through those quotations i feel he show what he feel...but i want he say it in private...so i can be sure...honestly now, i want to have a relationship with him...i want to change my status to have a relationship with him...but i don't want to make the first move...even i know i'm the bad ...honestly now...i really missed him.....but i don't show it...his quite so i quite also...you said the next day your nothing to her, try to give her a gift a flower with chocolate...that's also i want him to do...i'm sure she's not only hug you but also kissed you...if my ex can think to that to me...maybe next time he call i will answer na...to say thank you...you know one of our problem before when he call i don't answer...i freeze when i hear his voice...that he think i'm not interested with him...if you really interested with her give more effort...make a move to convince her that she's really important to you...i feel that she really love you also...you just show her a bad signal...i feel your ex is so fragile so you better handle it with care...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): "How can I be the love of her life one day, then the next nothing?"You can't, which means you can't be the love of her life."And which is a lie and which is true? Cause it can't be both."It's neither. "I guess I just need advice now on how to get the closure I need."Don't believe what she SAYS, believe what she DOES.If she truly loved you, then she wouldn't be treating you this way. CMMP suggested she could have some have some sort of manic depression, which may be true, or perhaps she's just an old-fashioned ball-busting bee-awtch who knows you're hopelessly infatuated with her and so is just stringing you along as an ever-reliable, always available Plan B.You get the closure you need by standing up for yourself, realizing you're too good for her, dumping her for good, and ignoring her when she turns on the waterworks and begs and pleads and promises to change, which she never will.The only reason she's playing you for a perpetual lovesick sap is because you're letting her. She can't disrespect you if you respect yourself. Stop thinking with your dick and start thinking with your brain. She's kept balls in a jar long enough; TAKE THEM BACK!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): I think you should tell her what you are telling us. You clearly adore her, she is very lucky to have someone so willing to try to understand and persevere despite her indisposition. Giving you mixed signals is unreasonable and thoughtless.Have you asked why she can't be in a relationship? This might be the key to it. If she is a good person and a true soulmate she should return your openness and share her concerns which may or may not be fixable.Clearly you should not contemplate marrying someone who keeps changing their mind, so I'd take any thoughts like that out of he equation. She needs to sort out what she wants.In the meantime, I'd concentrate on you. This probably is not doing much for your self worth, being wanted and then not. Do things that make you feel good and confident. Directing your focus from her on to you or something else may be what it takes for her to realise how much she misses your full on attention and she will make every effort to win your attention back. Alternatively she may just get on with her own life. Either way you will know.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 June 2013):
Not everybody thinks the way you do, so not everything people does will make sense...
She may have some sort of manic depression that causes her to be high on life one day and think she has nothing good in her life the next.
It most likely has nothing to do with you. And as much as it involves you, consider yourself lucky that you're not married. My wife shares similar characteristics and, while not to your girlfriend's extent, they can be hard to deal with to say the least.
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