A
male
age
30-35,
*ruffle31
writes:Hi, I am a 22 year old male and I'm currently with my girlfriend of 4 months. She is 18 years old. We have been having regular sex since we were together, and I love her very much. In fact, I love her more than anyone I've ever been with. Until recently, we began to open up and talk about our past, I told her that I had slept with 6 other women before, but she kept shut about her past sexual encounters. Only after asking her a number of times did she tell me that she had slept with 12 guys before me.I personally think that this is a big number, and I have been attacked with depression ever since, I can't stop thinking about the number of partners she has been with...I really love her, but this is slowly creeping up into my head.. I don't know what to do, everytime I look at her and feel our love, my heart gets squeezed and all those thoughts would kill me slowly, deeply.Please please please, I need some advice, suggestions, or even anything...I really love her, and I don't want this to peg back our relationship.......
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): I'm going through the same problems but I'm also 22 years old and she was my first. I have no history at all. I've also been with this girl for almost 4 months also. Only problem is, my girl has been with over 30+ guys and she likes to drink and smoke weed. She's cheated on guys before and lied. Since I've been with her, I believe she hasn't cheated or lied to me. So should I feel uncomfortable about her past or just move on knowing she loves me and I love her? I mean, I've known her for about 6 years but we didn't start dating until September 2010 and she's already talking about marriage and having children. So let me know what you think about this.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (21 December 2010):
 Your post has made me so sad. You and her are so young and you sound very much in love, it's painful to make past mistakes hurt you this way.
Do you love her?
Dose she love you?
What does she do to make you smile?
If you had to think of a word to describe her and your relationship, which word would you choose?
You only get one shot at life. You can make mistakes, like she has done, looking for love in the wrong places and putting herself through heartache. You could walk out tomorrow and miss her everyday. One life, you makes your choices and then you live with the consequences, good or bad. The past can never be changed, can never be recalled and acted upon again. Let the past go, concentrate on making the present the very best that you can make it. Make sure that your moment of now isn't spoiled by regrets which will end up spoiling your future.
Thoughts are just thoughts, yes they hurt, but with help and training you can control them. But kisses, hugs and smiles are the things you will remember on your deathbed when you die. Learn to remove the emotion from the thoughts, and accept them for what they are, sadness that nothing in life is perfection. We make our own happiness with good actions, thoughts and worries work to hold us back and make us sad in life.
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A
male
reader, truffle31 +, writes (8 December 2010):
truffle31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your posts...i am dealing with this one at a time, and im getting better at that. I hope I will, in time, be able to put this behind me and enjoy my relationship with the woman I love most.
Once again, thank you guys.
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A
male
reader, joeyj +, writes (15 November 2010):
Her past bothers you because you are a normal man and we are designed to be bothered by a woman's wild past. It has nothing to do with making anyone happy it's just about survival of the fittest.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (13 November 2010):
 You can still be her one and only. The one and only person who loved her as strongly and as joyously. You can still be the one that means more to her than anyone else. What difference does her physical past make if together, what you feel now is unique?
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, truffle31 +, writes (13 November 2010):
truffle31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you very much guys for the support and answers..i feel much better now, and i have had a talk with her.. i feel like such a kid now, but i really dont know why this is affecting me.. although it is really nice to read all your response..i hope this feeling does go away, and time heals everything.. i guess i really wanted to be her one and only, if only i could turn back time i would give up all the women i slept with just to be with her..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): thank you very much guys for the support and answers..i feel much better now, and i have had a talk with her.. i feel like such a kid now, but i really dont know why im feeling this way....
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (12 November 2010):
Everything that happened in the past made her the woman you love and she is with you now. Appreciate that. She is a new woman with you.
I think Odds explained it all perfectly. But I strongly suggest trying to overcome this before you think of ending it. Think about what it would change. Do you love her any less because of it? Do you respect her less? If not, I think this depression you seem to have found yourself in is worth fighting against for the sake of this relationship because the problems you have in this relationship are in your head. She does not want those men, she wants you. Do you really think she would compare you to others who she rejected? No. She is with you for a reason.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (12 November 2010):
 I'd like to point out that I'm 26 and have had 2 partners. You are 22 and have had 6. Double my number. If you were my boyfriend, I'd feel exactly the same way about you. Now, would you be thinking about the six girls you had been with or living in the now and thinking of the future?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Before I answer, let me point out that you're not alone; this board is full of similar stories. It may help to peruse the archives.
The consensus here seems to be that, since you can't change her past, then it's either learn to get past your feelings, or leave her. If one of those doesn't happen, your feelings are going to tear you apart.
Dumping her is straightforward, if emotionally difficult. For some guys, like me, that's the only realistic option. Part amicably and move on. Getting past your feelings is a whole 'nother animal.
Your feelings are valid. More than that, they are evolutionarily advantageous. They are a mechanism designed to prevent cuckoldry (or just cheating, in the age of birth control). Besides which, there are the rational concerns of what kind of emotional health she may be in having slept with so many guys in such a short time. Some guys wonder if they're going to be compared to past lovers. There's sometimes even an element of jealousy - simply put, women have a much easier time racking up high numbers.
With all that in mind, to get past your feelings, try not to dwell on the thoughts. Find a way to distract yourself. Remind yourself that she's with you now, not them, and that her past is what made her the girl you care about. Don't bring it up to her, but if she asks, be honest, and maybe she can reassure you.
Good luck, whatever you choose.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Listen it doesen't matter. She wants you now. Aslong as she is faithfull relax and enjoy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): That's kind of like the pot calling the kettle black, because you've been with a lot of other people too. I bet she's secretly upset about the number of partners you've been with.
Remember, if she'd really wanted any of those guys, she'd be with one of them instead of you. And maybe it took that much experimentation before she found Mr. Right, the one she wants to be with forever--you.
I think you need to get past this and be glad that you're with the one you truly love. Many people aren't so lucky. All that really matters is now and tomorrow. Leave the past in the past.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 If you suspect you are clinically depressed, it makes sense to visit a psychiatrist. While it won't take away the bad thoughts, images and the number you are obsessing about, you need to dig yourself out of your hole now. You also need to explain to your girlfriend how much this has been affecting you and you need some space.
I suggest you to cry and let it all out, not to her, in a letter or go to a bar and talk to some stranger. Express any thoughts that keep squeezing your heart. Such as,
1. I feel I am not special to her because she had been promiscuous and lowering her standards.
2. I am afraid I can't measure up to her other lovers.
3. I had always hoped that she is a pure angel untouched by anyone, but now my dream had been shattered.
4. What happened before we met is coming in between the best relationship I would ever have.
5. I feel like I missed out on my youth, I have to go on a sex spree myself.
6. She sowed her wild oats and just using me as a safety net.
7. If something goes wrong in the relationship I can always blame her by being a slut. I knew I shouldn't have gotten with her at the beginning, something feels wrong.
Now replace with good thoughts.
1. She is the best thing that happened in my life.
2. I love her personality, face, the way she talks to me.
3. Our sex is very satisfying and passionate.
4. She is both my fantasy and reality.
5. We are very attracted to each other and we know it.
6. I can see myself being with her for the rest of my life.
7. She is versatile. She can be a lover, a best friend, and has nurturing qualities and she will make a good mother.
Of course if she is none of the above then there is no use deceiving yourself. You have only been with her for 4 months. It's too quick to judge her character. You have the whole life to learn about her basically. You are focusing so much on the past because this relationship is so new.
Also be realistic that retroactive jealousy has no magic cure but that doesn't mean time can't improve things. You have to let her show you her true side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Hey man, think about it this way. The past is the past, leave it there. She's with you now and thats all that should matter. If she isn't all out flaunting it then you should be happy about that. If you really love her you wouldn't let this stuff get to you.
REMEMBER: She is with YOU now. Be grateful :)
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