A
male
age
36-40,
*eedsdave
writes:Any advice would be great because my head is fried, I'm not sure I even want to be with her now.Hi not sure where to start so will start from beginning, me and my fiancée have been together for 4 years. 19 months ago we had a little girl who was still-born. Since then we have been trying for another child but sadly it has never happened. In November my fiancée received a message from her ex saying that he was sorry about how things ended. Apparently they has a bad break up. I have always know that my fiancée never really got over him because in arguments she use to say, "you will never be as good as him" but like I said that was in arguments. I begged my fiancée not to get back in touch with him and after many hours she swore down that she wouldn't. The date was 30th December and my fiancée said that she wanted to go out with a friend from work and watch DVDs at her house and that she was gonna stay over. I thought nothing of it at the time. I dropped her off at the train station so she could get the train to see her friends.The next day I got to pick her up at train station and she said she had a nice time but it was a bit boring. Then randomly in the car she said I think we should stop trying for a baby for a bit because it's getting me down every month not getting pregnant. I agreed thinking time off might be good. On 1st January I was playing on my computer downstairs whilst my fiancé was upstairs "burning CDs", I went up and asked if she wanted a drink and she quickly turned off her laptop. I thought that was strange so I went back up ten minutes later And again she closed the laptop.I knew she was up to something but not sure what so I hacked in to her main account and saw her in a live chat with her ex. I could not believe what I was seeing. She was saying that she loved him and that she couldn't believe they both has sex together again and was arranging to meet up again.When reading this I stormed out of the house and went to my parents house, I stayed with them for a week and went back home. She had begged me to go back saying it was a mistake and that they only kissed. All the way through she said that she only kissed and both fell asleep together.Idiot like I am I started to believe her because she was so adamant about it. I moved back home but I said I will sleep downstairs for now. We were doing this ok but today she sent me a message saying we need to talk.Today she has told me that she is pregnant and she doesn't know who the father is. At the moment in time my head is all over the place. She said she wants nothing to do with him even though she has already told him about it. I don't know what to do she said she will do anything I ask for. Should I ask her to terminate as I don't know who the father is if a child could not be on this relationship or should I let her have the baby that we have been trying hard for?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): wow! That's a serious dilemma that you're having to figure out. What is your gut instinct telling you regarding paternity? Regardless of a DNA test result, you can never trust this woman again because she has betrayed your trust, not to mention her failed cover up attempt and fact twisting when you uncovered what she really did. As "the other guy", I was in a similar situation when the girl I was sleeping with got pregnant. But we ALWAYS used condoms while having sex all the time for two months straight. During the affair she mentioned that she and her husband only had sex twice that year, so my heart sank right into my stomach and I started having serious panic attacks. However, she told her husband right away about the pregnancy and he was very happy, so it's safe to assume that she slept with her husband a lot more than she alluded to; but what do you expect from a liar.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): SHE LIED TO YOU, i dont know any one getting PREGNANT by anyone just ny kissing.
you are soo distraught right now and this NIGHTMARE will continue for the rest of your life. if this baby is NOT yours you will resent it bec it will be a constant reminder of what a liar she is. it will be a constant reminder of how u cannot trust her. every time she goes anywhere near her ex u will always wonder and this will eat you up ( as an aside: hey u may even write in to DC years from now about your feelings, and everyone will jump down your throat about R J and tell you to suck it up and get over yourself: sorry, just being ugly because most of the R J the OP is roasted for his feelings)
OP, i am just so glad that the Aunts are in the majority here: kick her cheating ass to the curb. u deserve better. if u did not catch her she would have lied about the baby's true paternity.
as someone else said: its her decision to keep the baby and yours to stay with cheater. hey,if the baby is yours then pay maintenance.
Dont even thinkof raising her ex'sbaby. in the end it will mean that not only foolish but u will be screwed financially as well.
THINK man and dont let her hoodwink you again.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, cinc71  +, writes (19 January 2012):
 Keep us updated! :)
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A
female
reader, cinc71 +, writes (19 January 2012):
Sorry but you'll never trust her again and you shouldn't.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (18 January 2012):
Hi OP, your situation is very similar to one in my past. Girlfriend of 3 years had sex one or two times with another guy got pregnant, big mess. DNA testing wasn't an option. She had a termination and we got back together for 4 years but there was no trust and I spent too much energy watching checking and worrying. Then she did it again and I left for good.Unfortunately I had no DearCupid Aunts and uncles to turn to. You will already have your trust in you fiance at ground zero. It will never be as it was before. She lied and deceived you and probably would have carried on doing so. Clearly she has the right to the decision to keep the baby or not. No one likes the idea of terminating a pregnancy but it can be the best path. You have a clear set of options:
1. Stay with her and assume the baby is yours.
2. Leave but explain you will support the child if proven to be yours
3, Wait until the baby is born and see what happens
To be honest the chances of you building a real future with this woman sound slim. Does she want to go back to the ex if the child is his? You need to decide what you want and tell you girlfriend. Maybe a termination is the best outcome for all. I was seriously prolife before my girlfriend got pregnant, but after going on to meet a wonderful woman and bringing a bunch of really wanted and loved children into the world I have realised that life is full of choices and decisions that you can only make for yourself. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 January 2012):
Get a DNA test done. But whether you're the father or not, it's honestly best not to stay with her. This is pretty much the worst position that a woman can put a man in, and I would never trust a woman like this again. She lied to you so much it's just unbelievable.
Whatever happens though, get that DNA test done. If it's your child, be the best father you can.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (17 January 2012):
She is to decide if she goes on with the baby. You are not sure if it's yours so you can't decide.
If she keeps it, you shouldn't sign any paper in relationship with the baby. You have to make a DNA test once it's born. And then you can recognize him\her as your child if you are the father. Having trying without success during 19 months to get her pregnant, and she getting pregnant after having sex with her ex is very weird. I mean, chances are against you here. Her ex may be the father. So wait for DNA test which is exact.
As for her, dump the b*tch.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): Firstly do not suggest a termination. It is for her to decide how she proceeds with this. But you must get a few things clear with her. Is it over with this ex? - does she want to be with you because the baby's father is not interested now? - all these things are very important. I would take your time and do nothing rash. You have been treated badly by any standard. You are in danger in being used, and bitterness can run very deep in time. It may be best to move on, while eventually supporting the child that may turn out to be yours.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (17 January 2012):
 Most of the aunts have it spot on, I think. The decision to carry the baby to term or not should be that of the mother. A DNA test will establish the parentage and if it is yours, you should certainly take care of him/her.
On the other hand, your fiancee...appears to be seriously lacking in character. After what she has done to you, to stay with her would be unwise and an invitation to further pain. You really need to re-evaluate your relationship with this woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): please leave her immediately and don't waste anymore time wondering what to do. whether the baby is yours or not, this is only the beginning of your misery if you continue to stay with herif you stay, the best case scenario is that the baby is yours, but realize that she will probably continue to cheat on you and he will still be in the picture behind your back. You knew from the start that she's still not over him, she compares you unfavorably to him, and lately they've rekindled their relationship in secret. Having this baby be yours, doesn't change the fact that their relationship is obviously not over. So whatever it is they were doing behind your back, they'll continue to do even if the baby is yours. But if you're too weak to break up with her, she's not going to do it for you either. Since there's a toxic element to their relationship given their bad breakup and her inability to heal from it, she'll continue to keep you around as a consolation prize for when they break up again. But this doesn't mean she'll be committed to you. She and him could have a long term tumultuous on-again, off-again relationship. You will just be the fall back for those times when she's in between reconciliations with him.And if the baby is his, then that will just strengthen their bond even more, even if she's still technically with you. She's already got one foot out the door from you. And at some point she may leave you for him when the time is right for her. there will always be 3 people in your relationship: you, her and him, because the two of them are obviously not done with each other and you can't predict the future course of THEIR relationship nor can you do anything to control it. But like I said, if you're too weak to break up with her, she's not going to do it for you either because it serves her purposes to keep you around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): you shouldn't stay in a relationship with her, because:(a) She tells you that you'll never be as good as her ex (which means she's only settling for you until she can get him back). I dont' care if she says this "only during arguments" what difference does that make? Why are you making excuses for what she's bluntly saying? it shows exactly what she thinks of you. when she's not in an argument she's exercising the self-control to keep her thoughts to herself. And only in arguments does her inhibition lower to where she says what she really feels. Make no mistake - she DOES think you'll never be as good as her ex. She's only with you because you're better than nothing. why do you even want to be with someone who feels this way about you?? Why do you even want to be with someone whom you have to BEG not to go back to their ex?? Have you no self dignity at all???(b) she cheated on you and you caught her covering it up and lying about it. She has always made clear that she prefers him, and you had to beg her not to go back to him. So it's really no surprise that she's been cheating on you with him because she doesn't really want to be with you and she's made it clear. Her remorse now is fake, it's only for her own sake because you're better than nothing. Remember, he is #1 to her and you're just #2, she has said so very plainly. I'm sure her remorse is genuine in the moment, but it will for sure disappear when your back is turned, again. this means that if you're going to stay with her, you will just never know if and when she's cheating again, and you'll never have peace of mind even if you don't catch her cheating again, you'll never know what evidence you might have missed or what she is going to do tomorrow that you don't as yet know about, and it will eat you up inside. You may resort to having to monitor her 24 hours a day, but living as a prison guard is no way to live. If this baby isn't yours, then not only are you guaranteed that she will continue to remain in contact with him for the rest of their lives (because if the baby isn't yours, then it's his) but this whole situation could play out AGAIN in the future with her next pregnancy and again not knowing if the next baby is yours or his or someone else's. Is this the life you want?you need to leave her, and then take a paternity test and if the baby is yours then arrange to pay child support and have visitation with your kid. But if the baby isn't yours then write her off from your life completely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): Her having the baby is her decision. But you staying with someone that cheated on you, is YOUR decision. If you can deal with the fact that she slept with some other man, and that baby may not be yours. IF you truly love her and want to stay with her, I'd be keeping tabs on her left and right. Its hard to trust again after being cheated on.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 January 2012):
 Let us use the "salami tactic" and divide the problem in pieces.
As to the baby, this is easy. Get a DNA test and take care of the baby if s/he is yours.
As to the relationship, this is easy, too:
You can stay with someone who lied to you about her seeing her ex, went to have sex with him (and you dropped her at the station), and then proceeded to hide that she was still seeing him. I don't know about you, but I am sort of inclined not to believe that all they did was kissing, since she is pregnant and doesn't know who the father is. Yeah, right. Last time I checked, kissing did not make a woman pregnant.
Or you can leave her and just take care of the baby, if the baby is yours.
We aunts and devils are supposed to only provide opinions, not insults or loud words or whatever. But I think you would not be very smart and would not stand your ground if you went back to her, like nothing had happened, knowing she may be pregnant with a baby that is not yours. A pregnancy by another man while she was n a relationship with you. That is called cheating.
Bad news for her: she may not want anything to do with the other guy, but she should have a lot to discuss with him if the baby turns out to be by him and not you. As in parenting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): The first issue is whether or not you can forgive your wife. I'm going to be 100% honest with you here, my advice is to leave her. From what you've said this was premeditated and thought out. There was seemingly no guilt on her part and she was happy to keep you around as a safety net while she had sex with her ex. Then instead of coming clean she lied AGAIN saying they had only kissed. This to me shows little guilt and no care towards you at all. In my opinion she's a user and a cheater and you should get out now before she hurts you again (which I'm fairly confident she will).As for the baby, you shouldn't ask her to have a termination. Mainly because this baby will be wanted/cared for and it's not the baby's fault what it's mother did. How would you feel if this baby is yours and is not even given a chance at life?My advice to you is to leave her. When the baby is born ask for a DNA test. If it's not yours, let her see how supportive her ex will be now. If it is yours be a good dad, be civil to her but find someone who loves you, won't cheat on you, won't compare you to ex boyfriends and who makes you happy.
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