A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I need to start by saying my boyfriend is usually wonderful. He is very sweet, generous and loving. But that just isn't enough. I feel so guilty to admit it, but he disgusts me. He always smells bad and doesn't brush his teeth or shower unless I physically push him into the bathroom, like a child. He used to make so much effort at the start of the relationship, but now we've been together over a year he honestly repulses me. Because of this, we probably have sex once a month, if that, which just isn't right for two 19 year olds. It's so embarrassing because he honestly makes my bedroom stink, but acts like I'm a horrible person if I ask him to shower or brush his teeth. I honestly want to gag if he tries to kiss or cuddle me, it's awful and makes me feel so bad. I love him to pieces, but I just can't take this anymore. What do I do?! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2016): Hi this is more serious than you think my ex boyfriends hygiene was really bad and he didnt ever wash his hands and i caught a bacterial vaginal bacterial infection from the filth??
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 October 2016):
 Anon female : temporarily dental floss , toothbrush and water will be fine. But I suggest you to PM me if you want more detailed advice or more gum care " tricks ", because we don't want to abuse of this kind OP's patience and... hospitality ( Thank you, OP )
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): Cindy, I only have colgate total in my home at the moment, but I think I will order some other products online. I can't get out of the house at the moment. I'm just worried incase colgate is bad for me. It is a very strong toothpaste. I don't know if water and floss will be enough?. It would help with my gums, but not sure about the teeth?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): Thank you for the suggestions, Cindy. I will try those. None of my teeth are loose, but I do have red gums. Sometimes they bleed a lot, sometimes not at all. I'm not sure what kind of state my mouth is in now, whether it is gingivitis or periodontitis. Last time I saw any dentists. I actually went to two different dentists. They both said different things. One said I had periodontal disease and the other said I had gingivitis. They both said my teeth were fine, it was just the gums that was the problem. There was so much blood when they cleaned them and they used a probe to measure my gums. It traumatised me, and traumatised me even more to think of anything worse happening and any major work being done. As I said, it was so bad, I ended up in a psychiatric unit because I stopped eating because I was frightened of eating incase anything made my gums worse because of the ingredients in them. I lost over a stone in weight and became anaemic. I went down to six and a half stone. I am now eight stone six ounces. I still have anxiety over eating, but I try to do things carefully. I drink smoothies, complan, soy milk and semi skimmed milk, juice and water. I have completely cut out tea and coffee, and cut out sugar as much as I can. I eat much less sugar than I used to. I don't have a very big appetite, but I try to eat what I can and try to avoid junk food as much as possible. I don't always eat much fruit and veg though.Another thing is I get frightened because I read that some people do their best with their hygiene and diet, but they still have bad gums and end up losing their teeth. It's so stressful and I feel like I can't have a normal life because of this. Everyday when I wake up, I run over to the mirror and look at my teeth straight after I get out of bed. And every morning I worry that that is the day that my teeth could go loose. At the minute, there are yellow stains on them which haven't always been there. I'm not sure, but I think I have always had crowded teeth too. They don't look straight to me. I have a very small mouth and jaw. I have bought a child sized toothbrush, and even that is hard to fit in to my mouth. The dentist said I had no cavities last time. It made me more upset that my teeth were OK but my gums weren't. OP, I hope I am not talking about this too much here. I hope that your boyfriend manages to sort himself out. I agree that there is a difference between me and him. I am trying but I have severe anxiety and a former of autism, but he isn't trying.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 October 2016):
Anon female : while some commercial toothpastes may contain chemicals which MAY cause problems to some individuals, do you know what is the number one, biggest, most common cause of gum disease ?.. It's poor dental hygiene. You do not see dentists, but if you did, any of them would confirm this. While there are other factors which may trigger , or, more often, worsen, gum disease ,leading to teeth loss, ( chemicals , smoking, or genetics,etc... ) bad dental hygiene, causing accumulation of bacterial plaque, is the main gum-killer. NOT brushing your teeth will lead you to permanent dental ( and health ,in general ) damages much faster than brushing them. Some times, it's a matter of choosing the lesser evil.
There's good news, though. You don't even need to use tootpaste at all, to clean your teeth.
Toothpastes are basically cosmetics. We use because it makes tooth cleaning easier , and it leaves a pleasant, fresh sensation in our mouth, but the cleaning , and plaque removing, action, is in the mechanical motion of brushing, and doing it properly, accurately, and long enough .
You can make at home your own toothpaste, or tooth powder made all by natural ingredients. There are recipes on Internet, for instance WikiHow will guide you through the process step by step.
Or, you can simply use other stuff : Sea salt. Baking soda. Sage leaves. Coconut oil. Clay. You just need something , not necessarily a toothpaste, to help your brush in detaching and removing food bits and plaque particles .
Also , you should really see a dentist. Remember that, for phobic patient like you, there 's always "conscious sedation ", which is very safe and effective ( although, not cheap , if it is not covered by NHS ). I am saying this because if you have chronical/ recurring gum problems ( swelling, bleeding, loose teeth... )chances are that you are already affected by periodontal disease, and then it won't be your toothpaste , organic or chemical, which will make much difference, you will need proper dental treatment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): Thanks for the suggestions, honeybee. I only recently read that flouride is bad for teeth and gums. I have used a known brand for years, but I'm not sure if that has caused my gum problems. I heard that organic toothpastes are better and don't have bad ingredients in them, but then I also heard of people who's teeth and gums went worse after they used organic toothpaste. All of this controversial things makes my anxiety go up. No matter what I do, my gums are still bad. Sometimes it can be genetic, but I don't know if that's the case with me. I felt so embarrassed last year ending up in a psychiatric unit over this. It's so bad that I constantly look at my gums. Sometimes I do that with other parts of my appearance too, but mainly my teeth and gums. I am terrified of dentists, so that makes it even worse. I look at people and think, why can't I have perfect teeth and gums like them, and I bet they don't worry about using products for their hygiene so much. I bet they just get in the shower and brush their teeth and then don't give it another thought. It makes it even worse when people stare at people or make fun of people who's appearance looks bad or different, and people who's hygiene isn't that good. Sometimes it's not even to do with lack of hygiene. You can be hygienic but still have problems through genetics, and you can be hygienic but still have problems, like washing your hair but it's still greasy when you have done it, or using creams but you still get acne, washing your body but you still get infections, etc. How do we know when we are completely really clean and healthy, as bodies aren't perfect.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 October 2016):
 Female anon, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. To be honest, you are the perfect example of someone who takes charge of yourself and gets the help you need, which is not easy. For you, even getting under some water and using a cloth or a pouffe and cleansing away the grime cuts down on the smell. Same with your teeth. Rinsing your mouth out after every meal with fresh water and even taking a floss or water pick to your teeth goes a long way for hygiene. Like I said - despite your autism and trials in cleaning chemicals and food, you're still getting help. You're still trying to bathe. You're still wanting to be clean.
You are nothing like the OP's boyfriend. It's completely and utterly different. This guy doesn't have your issues. He very easily made the effort and showered and brushed his teeth just as easily as the OP. He stopped caring after he had already gotten into the relationship. It's not a mental issue with him or a physical one like your dyspraxia.
But the final difference is, in fact, the biggest one. While you're self-aware of your obstacles and struggles and are doing everything you can to get yourself better. This boyfriend, in the OP's words "acts like I'm a horrible person if I ask him to shower or brush his teeth". That's the kicker right there. He is easily able to practice hygiene, but he doesn't want to and makes her feel awful for taking issue with his hygiene.
That is why I said and still stick to the notion that his lack of hygiene AND his refusal to care about changing is a dealbreaker. The guy sure could find the time when he was wanting her. CindyCares put it perfectly - the guy pulled a bait-and-switch on her and is being mean to her because she rightly won't put up with his nasty ways.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 October 2016):
 Anon Female,
Have you talked to your doctor? Could he/she recommend some brand and simple methods for you to use? I would think baby shampoo/soap would do well for someone like you. People use them on babies so they HAVE to be safe. They also smell good. But talk to your doctor.
Most people don't NEED to shower daily. If you exercise then surely a shower after helps two fold, you get your muscles a warm way to relax and you was sweat of your skin/hair.
I shower daily, but I ONLY wash my hair ever 3 days (unless I have been physically active). I use a Dove body wash (which is hypoallergenic and works for all 5 members of the family's skin types. I use the exfoliating ones (still Dove) 2 times a week.
The ancient Greeks used oil to clean with in the bath (can be hard to use in today's bathroom as it makes the floor slippery) but it really doesn't get more "natural" than that.
There are options out there.
No one is bashing people with mental issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2016): It isn't always easy for people to wash properly. Some people have allergies to certain products and find it hard to find the right ones. I have autism and it's a big struggle for me. When I use want to brush my teeth and wash my body, I get too scared to do it because I have read different opinions on the ingredients in them. Some say the products are safe to use, and some say they are harmful. Sometimes I go without washing because I am scared about the ingredients, or if I do use them, I have an anxiety attack after I use them thinking that it will harm me. It's exhausting. It's the same with food. Sometimes I don't eat much because I am scared of what's in it and scared that it will make my gum problems worse. I also have dyspraxia so it takes me a long time to wash myself. It ruins my life . I hardly leave the house because the anxiety is overwhelming. I ended up in a psychiatric unit last year as I had suicidal thoughts.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 October 2016):
Female anon:
Nobody is bullying anyone nor suggesting that she should bully him. I mentioned people with bad habits at school, but I didn't once mention that it was okay to bully them or mistreat them. And I was not a bully in any capacity. In fact, I stood up for a lot of people who WERE bullied, once to the point of getting suspended from school because of getting between a bully and a target. I've also spent a lot of time and charity work with homeless people who didn't shower or bathe for YEARS. I've held urine-soaked people as they cried and gotten hotel rooms for people just so they could clean up to get to a job interview the next day, so please don't make judgments on
us for saying that to have an intimate long-term relationship with someone who has chosen a life of serious hygiene-deficiency is a dealbreaker. That actually really offends me.
I've also met plenty of people who weren't depressed. They just hated bathing. One guy I knew was actually banned from using the state public transportation system because he hadn't bathed or brushed his teeth for over 3 years (his own words!). I knew him for a year, and he didn't change his clothes either. I'm telling you that there was a funk about him that was indescribable - it literally hurt my eyes and nose to be around him. I asked him why he didn't bathe or anything and even offered to let him use the shower in my facility, and he said simply that he hated feeling or being clean. The guy was in his 40's and looked like in his 60's. You know - he died from it too! Not directly of course, but he caught an infection on his skin that became septic according to his social worker who I still know and do business with. They had to amputate his left leg, but eventually, it didn't help. He hated doctors with the same passion as he hated showers. Took him 2 months to die in the hospital. I'll never forget him or his stench...AND the guy was a happy guy! I considered him the modern version of those 19th century train stowaways who lived off of churches, food banks, and charity. His life suited him.
Listen to me carefully - it doesn't mean that someone is a bully for not wanting to be with someone who won't take 15 minutes to shower or 1 minute to brush their teeth for MONTHS. If the guy is depressed, she is not obligated to become his therapist or motivator. In fact, such co-dependency is very unhealthy in a relationship. The guy has a responsibility to seek out and get help for depression, and if she tells him that the relationship is at a breaking point due to his hygiene, it is incumbent upon him to decide whether or not to fight for his own life. Don't jump to conclusions regarding whether or not he has some mental condition. She should not have to wear that guilt.
OP - don't feel guilty. He might be a great guy, but his hygiene habits are incompatible with yours. And not bathing is gross and bad for his health. It's something way too easy to fix, and everyone in developed countries has access to clean water. Not having good hygiene would hinder his career, so does that mean you would have to support him financially because if he smells like that, he'll have difficulty in getting hired or keeping a job, and that's not bullying!
Anyways, I've said my peace. Please do not cast judgments on people who react negatively to bad hygiene habits. That doesn't mean they are bullies who mistreat people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2016): As someone that has worked with adults with learning disabilities and mental health problems for many years I can tell you that being concerned about someone's personal hygiene and pointing and laughing at someone because they have a limb missing are about as far away from one another as you can get.
Most of the people I deal with have good personal hygiene and those that don't are always strongly encouraged to. Partly for social reasons but more importantly for their health and the health of people around them. Dirt spreads germs and causes illness. Cleanliness and personal hygiene a major part of my job.
As others have pointed out there's no reason to think the OPs bf is depressed. If he was there'd be other symptoms. He managed to shower initially so he doesn't have a psychological aversion to it.
I would have a serious chat with him about it and explain how you feel. Being turned off someone doesn't bode well for your relationship and if he wants to keep you he will need to make an effort.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 October 2016):
Anon female: I would not laugh at a person who looks dirty or smells awful because of reasons like those you quoted. Neither, though ,I would chose them, or even less I would be OBLIGED to choose them , as partners for an intimate , physical relationship.
People are entitled to adhere to their standards , including hygiene standards, when pursuing a relationship.
While as a society we should be inclusive, in our own beds we can be as selective as we want, and are under no obligation to share them with persons who, for whatever reason,don't reach a basic level of cleanliness.
Anyway, as other posters remark, nowhere the OP mentions physical or mental disability , in fact this guy was perfectly able to keep himself clean at the beginning of a relationship, ... my guess is that he is a huge slob who put on a bait-and-switch for her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 October 2016):
I get that some people with depression/mental issues can get into a funk, and stop taking care of themselves. It's still gross. I feel gross when I ALMOST go to bed without brushing teeth - like if we get home from a VERY late event and all I want is to go to sleep. However, my OWN issues (OCD) doesn't "allow" me to go to bed with fuzzy teeth.
Now if this BF had a REASON (such as mental illness, depression etc.) I would probably not say eww. I'd say HE needs more help than the OP can give him. Even people with mental illnesses, depression etc. can LEARN a routine and stick to it. THAT is why parents teach (most parents at least) their kids routines.
Which I BET this BF had when he was a KID, he is no longer a kid, he is a young adult and THUS responsible for himself.
The OP CLEARLY states that he was CAPABLE of taking care of himself initially but then just stopped making the effort.
To quote OP:
" He used to make so much effort at the start of the relationship, but now we've been together over a year he honestly repulses me."
There is no mention of mental illness or depression, but him acting like a spoiled bray when told he stinks.
So these answers are not a let's bully mentally ill people who don't shower!! Grab your pitchforks!!
THIS isn't about mental illness. This is about the OP having the RIGHT to have a standard of clean for herself AND her partner. One that he USED to live up to without having to be told. Now he just doesn't bother.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 October 2016):
 To the female anon:
It's not easy to brush your teeth or shower? Am I reading that correctly?
The poster never mentioned any of the things you brought up. As far as we know, the posters boyfriend is a perfectly healthy adult male that doesn't take care of his hygiene. How in any way, shape or form is saying that it's gross and very unhygienic (which it is) bullying?
Let's say for example you had a son around the posters age and he never washed himself would you just go along with it? I very much doubt as a mother you would think that's acceptable, so why on earth should the poster have to put up with that behaviour from her boyfriend?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): I hate it when people say "eww gross!". Would you say that to someone who had bad hygiene because of medical problems or mental health or disabilities? Grow up the lot of you!!. It's not easy for everyone. Just because you all think you are perfect!!. Your as bad as teenage bullies!!. Have you never had days where you look and smell bad or been ill??.It's like people who laugh at people whose appearance is different too, like if they lost body parts after having an operation or something. People bully anyone who doesn't look right or isn't mentally well just because they don't think it's normal. Whatever normal is. There is no such thing!!.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 October 2016):
I agree with female anon. I've heard of stories of people being depressed and one of the major signs is stopping looking after their hygiene. It might be worth having a talk with him and finding out how he's feeling.
On the other hand if he's fine and he's just being a dirty person then you need to tell him straight because it's absolutely not acceptable at all for him to live such a disgusting lifestyle and expecting you to be okay with it and still be intimate. He's a grown man, so he should act like it.
You're right in saying it's embarrassing for someone not to look after their self and I think you've done very well to stay with him as long as you have in this situation. I'd give it about a month or two tops for them to change before showing them the door as it's really not hard to clean yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): Simply tell him exactly how you feel. That the relationship can only last if he decides to clean-up his act.
As my nieces would say: "EEEEWWWW!!! Gross!"
You shouldn't kiss someone who doesn't brush their teeth, they can pass on periodontal disease. If he stinks up your room he's pretty filthy.
He's going to develop bacterial or fungal infections that he can pass on to you. Even give you yeast infections.
The smell comes from accumulating bacteria growing in his sweat, skin oil, and it's feeding on dead-skin cells. They form crusty icky patches in the crevices and folds in the skin, and breed fungus or bacteria like a petri-dish. Viruses also make themselves at home in nasty places.
I'm being graphic for a reason. To be sure you realize how nasty it really is.
How can you be around other people together, knowing your boyfriend doesn't wash? He must be an embarrassment to you.
It comes down to self-respect and respect for you. I don't care how sweet a person someone is. A guy his age should shower regularly, change his underwear, and outer clothing. To stay healthy, your oral hygiene should be impeccable.
The smelly breath comes from plague build-up on his teeth and gums. You may as well kiss a toilet seat.
Proper grooming is directly related to good health. Dirty people are the first to catch and pass on diseases. They carry germs on their skin, and don't usually wash their hands regularly. So that's why hospitals have to stay sterile. Something as simple as not washing your hands can spread staph-infections, colds, and flu like wildfire.
So if your whole body is filthy, you're a walking germ factory.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 October 2016):
Sounds like you already talk to him since you've physically "pushed" him to the bathroom, and given that your sex life is greatly diminished, trust me, he knows that he's got substandard hygiene.
These things only get worse. We all remember those in school who didn't bathe or brush their teeth or had really nasty habits like nose picking or ear digging or chewing pens and pencils into oblivion.
You're past the "talking" phase. If it were me, I would never have put up with it for a month, much less a year. Poor hygiene is an absolute and complete dealbreaker for me. I don't demand "manscaping" or Brazilian waxing or designer clothes or a guy who spends an hour on his hair. But clean he MUST be.
Not only that, but if he's not taking care of his teeth now, down the line, he's going to be losing those teeth! Root canals, teeth falling our or having them pulled is a real possiblity, not to mention horrible rotten breath no matter if he starts brushing his teeth or not.
Also, if you've been having burning down below or urinary tract infections or yeast infections, there's a good bet that his lack of hygiene has fostered a serious bacterial playground around his penis and groin area, and he's putting things into you that are nasty? If he's not circumcised, the smegma is unbelievable, because I've known even the best of bathers can sometimes get in a hurry or "forget" to be as thorough as they should be in that area.
If you've spoken to him, you can't give him an ultimatum. The whole "Start cleaning up, or I'm gone" will fix the problem for maybe a week or two, but then he'll lapse back into lifelong habits. He doesn't have the natural "nasty scungy itchy" feeling the rest of us do that compels us to not only bathe, but really enjoy getting and being clean!
Leave him. And tell him the truth why. Tell him you can't stand it anymore, that he needs someone who can handle his level of hygiene. There are girls out there who surprisingly don't bathe either! I'm guessing he would not be attracted to one of them..funny how that works, eh?
You must break it off. 1 year is long enough. But don't threaten. DO IT. If he wants to change, he will. But don't promise anything. It's a stereotype of guys being able to withstand dirt and not bathing more than women, but usually a guy hits the showers after a workout or time outdoors when it is over. 95% of guys are every bit as clean as girls are...they just don't always do the extra lotions, creams, conditioner, pumice stone (I use those!), and all of that. But they know cleanliness to be sure!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 October 2016):
 Sweetie all you can do is be honest with him. He is not silly he must know he has bad hygiene. You just need to tell him how it is. Not fair to try and save his feelings, he needs to know how he is making you feel.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): Do you know if he is depressed, had mental health problems and/or a mental disability, such as autism or another disability? . I have aspergers, which is a former of autism, and mental health problems, and I have trouble keeping up with hygiene . Even after I wash myself, I feel anxious wondering if I am clean enough. I don't know if I wash myself correctly, and with the right products.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 October 2016):
 Eeeeeeewwwww! Gross! I feel your pain!
You must feel like you are in a relationship with a child and you are mommy, having to tell him to wash and clean himself.
At 19 years of age, he should be aware that he needs to shower and brush his teeth regularly if he is to be pleasant to be around.
What about making showering part of foreplay? Once all clean, move to the bedroom for the main course.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 October 2016):
Tell him;" I love you to pieces, but I can't handle having an unhygienic BF. It makes me NOT want to be intimate with you or even be near you. I know it sounds rude, but if I can't tell you this, who can?" "If this doesn't change, I don't see us having a future".
It might seem like SUCH a little thing, to have personal hygiene, but in reality, it's not.
YOU have to STICK to your standards. And if one if these is having a partner who TAKES care of himself and HIS hygiene, DO NOT compromise. It's not like you are asking for anything UNREALISTIC.
Can you imagine living with him? How this lack of hygiene spills over to him not cleaning after himself and being "nasty" overall?
Does he work? Or go to school? And do he go all unwashed and "nasty" like that?
I think this is actually a common issue with late teens who's MOMS no longer "nags" them to bathe, brush teeth, hair etc. so these teens (usually male too) go OVERBOARD in not doing these things because "it's their choice, their life, you can't tell me what to do!" - which again it's TRUE you can't MAKE him do these things, but you CAN decide that you don't want date a "dirty nasty guy" either.
I'd give him the choice, get your hygiene standards up or we are done. You shouldn't HAVE to tell him to shower and bush his teeth. GROSS.
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