A
female
age
41-50,
*ebbie_cool
writes:I'm an indian.I got married in 2007(traditionally arranged marriage).my hubby and me never got along well rite from the beginning.I grew up as an independent girl, did all my work myself since 12 old(I've no mother, my dad's got a family of his own).My husband and his family knew all abt me n my family before our marriage.But somehow, he always wanted me to do everything his way, dress like the way he thinks is good looking, talk to people his way, talk only to his friends, talk more to his sis.My in-laws are so intimidating, they always decide what he does,he did not mind them deciding my life style too.I started realizing tht they were tryin to live my life forcing me to do things.It got worse when my husband wont stand up for me and heard him talk behind my back saying i was incompatible, i was useless, irresponsible, blah blah blah, things that i'm not. He accuses me if something goes wrong, he wont discuss anything with me, he always discusses with his mom and sisters but not with me. he says tht i'm not mature enough to understand. Then there were fights,arguments, i tried to find a job(i worked before marriage, but had to quit), but he wont let me find one,then our baby died in 7 months in 2008, i was held responsible. i went into depression, i wanted to turn my life around. I don't have support from my family also, i just can't bear it anymore.He still keeps back talking, lies a lot about how he's so responsible, how i'm depressed and its a disease, how he made a big mistake of marrying me. i even told him that let's separate. he wont let that happen either. but he keeps speaking to everyone we know in common of his bad luck in marrying me. what to do. i cant go on like this, i lost respect for him, we don't talk anymore, but we live in the same house in different rooms, i cant go back to india too, he has my passport, i don't know where it is.no money too. just a credit, that alerts him of all the purchase i make. And oh, he raped me on my ovulation time (says its not a rape, since he's my husband) and now i'm pregnant, i want the baby, but he always keeps telling his mom that he knows legal ways to take the baby from me. (i overhear his conversation), i want to run away
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female
reader, debbie_cool +, writes (28 August 2010):
debbie_cool is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy is that my family members do not realize that i'm being emotionally and verbally abused??
My dad says, that all marriages have these stuff going on and that i'm the one to adjust and live.
My sister does not want me to take a decision. she feels that since i'm pregnant now, my hormones cause this emotional trauma.
But why cant they understand that he does not even treat me well at least now- i dont want him to pamper me because i'm pregnant. But y dont any one understand that i deserve to be treated with a little respect.
To top it all, he keeps sending me these mails, saying he's sorry and wants me to come back to US. its what happened all the time. The minute i'm with him, he'll start showing his true color.
I want to stand up for myself even if nobody is ready to hear me. Please keep me in your prayers..
A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (21 August 2010):
I am sorry that you are going thru this but I feel it is almost impossible that he will change. Look at this also, your own family thinks that it is unacceptable to b away from him.
If for some reason the husband can force you back to him legally because of the pregnancy - if you do get back to California you MUST go to a crisis center or womens shelter - for the safety of you and your unborn child. They will help you legally and give you support - you will not be alone - there will be other women and caring advocates.
You are not going crazy - you are under an extreme amount of stress. I really dont know what the laws are concerning you staying there or being here.
Good luck - send a note to me if you would like
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A
female
reader, debbie_cool +, writes (21 August 2010):
debbie_cool is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease keep me in ur prayers.
Is it normal to wish my husband loved me more.
I'm now in india, lookin for a job. I'm staying at my sis' house. For 3 months , i'm secure financially. I'm sure that i'l find some job by then. But still, i keep thinking tht some miracle would happen and my husband will love me , show me some respect and my baby would have a wonderful life. Ofcourse its been 6 days since i left CA. He hasn't spoken to me. Only to my dad sayin tht he's going to take legal actions. God!!! i loved him so much, now tht i'm pregnant, all this emotional trauma is too much to bear.
Am i going crazy???
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A
female
reader, Jesc +, writes (20 August 2010):
 I'm glad you are safe.
Please stay that way.
Good luck with your job :)
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A
female
reader, debbie_cool +, writes (19 August 2010):
debbie_cool is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, thanx for the reply.
i really appreciate ur time.
i flipped the house and found my passport in one of his old files.
i borrowed some money and came to india.
by the mean time, he called up my family in india and informed tht i took off. i don really knw wht he said, since my family here wont tell me the details of the conversation. i'm also not interested to know anything. i personally feel tht i have heard enough.
but my father and sis(she's married with 2 kids and a loving husband) feel tht it's improper for a married woman to stay separated. they want me to stay with my husband under all circumstances.
i really cant do tht. i told them so, but in vain. they wont let me stay alone.
According to them he's perfect. Of course they don know how badly he spoke about all of them.
Its been 2 days since i came here. I'm searching for a job. i hope i'l get something. Please keep me in ur prayers.
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A
female
reader, debbie_cool +, writes (19 August 2010):
debbie_cool is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, thanx for the reply.
i really appreciate ur time.
i flipped the house and found my passport in one of his old files.
i borrowed some money and came to india.
by the mean time, he called up my family in india and informed tht i took off. i don really knw wht he said, since my family here wont tell me the details of the conversation. i'm also not interested to know anything. i personally feel tht i have heard enough.
but my father and sis(she's married with 2 kids and a loving husband) feel tht it's improper for a married woman to stay separated. they want me to stay with my husband under all circumstances.
i really cant do tht. i told them so, but in vain. they wont let me stay alone.
According to them he's perfect. Of course they don know how badly he spoke about all of them.
Its been 2 days since i came here. I'm searching for a job. i hope i'l get something. Please keep me in ur prayers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): PLEASE! PLAN your actions! I would personally not call police until safely out of home and in shelter protection!
1.Think what valuables you can take with you - jewels, any ID - driver's license etc.
2.Get the number of the local Women's Shelter. Tell them you are in danger, and you are pregnant and you MUST leave your home. They may arrange a way to get there. Tell them you are not safe.
3.DO NOT tell friends or family of your plan to leave yet because if you do you put that person in danger also.
4.Get to the Womens Center. They most likely will help you stay there and apply for Medical Assistance, Legal Protection and Services, Food, Counseling ( both individual and group)
5.Once there tell them entire story of the rape and abuse.
You will need to file a police report and hopefully a PFA.
(Protection from Abuse).
6.The Womens Shelters have advocates that will support you thru this - Have one whether you think you need one or not. These actions will be emotionally trying. And the advocates know the right way to word things.
7.In fact - there may be a possible way to keep your husband - once he has been served with the PFA and charged with Rape to not have contact with you or your child once born.
Read and re-read Afterglow's comments! They are an inspiration!
Good Luck to you - I have been thru some of this and familiar with the services in my city - The process seems complicated but trust me - when you safely get out the other side you will see that it was worth it to be free and have a good start for your baby.
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A
male
reader, welsh +, writes (15 August 2010):
Girl! I have had something very similar happen to an Indian friend of mine, you need to get out ASAP. Please call the police/law as advised by others in this thread, get your passport back. Either get a job in the US if your visa permits or get back to India and find something suitable here. Its sad that your family back in India is not supporting you on this, so this is a fight you have to initiate and maybe fight on your own. You are just about under 30, there is a whole life ahead. Go make it on your own terms and find a guy who will respect you for what you are subsequently. Not sure what your money situation is but if you have a work permissive visa in the US, you can find a job in the interim to sustain yourself till you figure out what to do. And since I am Indian myself, I know you would have your jewels etc in the house, get it all out with the help of the police. You will need all the money you can.
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A
female
reader, __Cookie__ +, writes (14 August 2010):
 Run. Run far. Dont wait till you have the baby because it would be bad to bring a child into your situation. And hes crazy to think that what he did was not rape. He needs to learn the definition of rape. First you should tell the police. Tell them everything hes done and file for divorce. He can NOT control you. Become the independent woman you where before he came. If the police and the court dont work then at night, steal his keys and run. For your own safety and you babbies. You never know what he might do next.
From: __Cookie__
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): run away and call the police because rape is something that can not go on without you telling some one and if you don't he may think he has all the power and do it again get away...call the cops do something.
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A
female
reader, Jesc +, writes (14 August 2010):
Maybe I am just angry from reading this so please forgive me.
I think you should go to the law for help. I mean seriously there has to be something they can do to help you. Witness Protection? Something... I really don't know much on the subject but it could help. Maybe somehow you can sell some of the stuff around the house so you can buy a ticket out of there. Head some where get a hotel room and work? I am sorry I really don't have any ideas on what you could do but either you do everything he wants and drop levels to be what he wants and play that act for awhile till you get money your passport etc etc.
Sadly "Husbands are allowed to rape their wives" it's sicking. Please please please be safe.
I really hope for the best for you.
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A
male
reader, Afterglow +, writes (14 August 2010):
 While your ethnicity and cultural indoctrination may be Indian, you now live in America where, as a woman, you have rights. Understand that you have options. NO ONE has to stay in a relationship that is deemed detrimental towards your health; mental or physical. You are not the first person to end up in your situation with someone who has assumed full control over you as a partner/spouse. Fortunately, we are at a time in life and culture where these issues are no longer ignored or swept under proverbial rugs. Every state has a shelter system for women in bad situations. Now, this doesn't mean that you are battered and on the run( which is why the network of shelters exist for women and their children), but they are also places to call and receive ASSISTANCE in getting away from potential violence( rape is a crime whether you are married or not). You really need to get in contact with a facility so that they can help direct you with what you are going to need to do to get out of this relationship. They are WELL FAMILIARIZED with women in bad relationships, regardless of your social culture. Always know that YOU HAVE OPTIONS. It's never hopeless. Too many people have put in a lot of time and effort to set up a system of social services to help women in your position. All it takes is a phone call...MAKE IT TODAY!
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A
female
reader, Gods,child.. +, writes (14 August 2010):
 go ahead and run away ur not happy dont wait till ur baby is born go to a goverment office like welfare in ur area tell them ur situation they will help u and keep him away from u hes emotionally abusing u and thats not right leave him run away before its too late u have a baby to think bout now think about wat u want for urself and ur baby..hope i helped in someway dont stay..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): This guy is an awful person. You need to get away for your own safety and mental health. Don't even try to reason with him or his family. Call the police and tell them your story. they will help and protect you. And your husband will be responsible for his actions and hopefully not do it to anyone else.
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