A
male
age
36-40,
*icaprio174
writes:I just joined this site, out of desperation. I really need help on this issue. Me and my girlfriend have been going out for 2 years now. I have always been jealous and a bit insecure, because she is very attractive and i'm not all that. Deep inside I always have the fear of her leaving me for a more attractive guy with a fancy car, but that's not the issue.During these 2 years she has been the most loving, sweet, perfect girlfriend you could ever imagine. There is no girl like her, but somehow I always found a way to make her cry. One night we went to a party, and she kept dancing with an old friend and not me. I punished her by refusing to dance with her afterwards, and ignoring her when she tried to get close to me after the party. Our relationship is full of these little incidents where i always made her chase me around crying. The real problem is the following.Last month she went overseas to visit her grandfather, and I stayed here. I was very angry because she kept hanging out with an "old friend" whom she had never mentioned before. I got so jealous to the point where I told her to stay there and not ever come back. I accused her of cheating and sleeping around. She was devastated, and kept calling me and crying the whole time. In retaliation, I took some girl home and tried to have sex with her. But I couldn't. That's when I realized how much I really love my girlfriend. but. . . When she came back I kept accusing her of cheating and never told her about what I did. It turns out she didn't cheat, and I ended up feeling like a jerk. I told her what I had done and that's when everything changed. She said she would forgive me and stayed with me but she is so different now. She now thinks that I don't trust her and doesn't seem to respond to anything sweet that I do to try and make her feel better. but that is not why i feel so bad. . . I've been after her for a whole month, being as sweet and romantic as I can to get her to be the same again. Out of the blue, some guy appeared. He is and old classmate. He definitely likes her even tho she tells me he hasn't told her anything. She goes to school at night and arrives home very late. Her mom is worried about her safety, and so am I. Turns out her new friend has a car(I don't) and offered to take her mom after school. Her mom was very happy about this and accepted. He took her home once, and my girlfriend told me that there is nothing I should worry about, because she doesn't need anyone to take her home, and he can't take her everyday anyways because of his schedule. but here's the problem. . .We had a big fight about this and both of us said things we shouldn't have said. She sat down with me and told me that she needed some time alone. She said we both needed, and that I needed to learn a few things starting by trusting her more. We both agreed to the following compromise:We will only see each other every 15 days, and we can only talk on the phone 2 times a week (she will call me on saturdays and I can pick between sundays and fridays). This will be starting yesterday(Sunday SEptember 20, 2009 until December 1st). After this time she will decide if she still wants to be with me. Before we made this compromise, I had sent the guy an email, telling him to stay away from my girl, but he hadn't read it. He called her today and told her about it (we made the agreement last night). She was really mad at me for doing that, and I apologized. She was so mad, that she told the guy I was her ex. I also sent an apology to the guy telling him to forget the message and hoping it doesn't affect his friendship with my girl. The compromise between me and her is still on but I'm afraid that this time will be an opportunity for the guy to get closer to her. I think he will keep taking her home after school and stuff. and for some reason I have the feeling that they are going to end up together. The compromise started yesterday, and I can't sleep. I just keep thinking about her, and the fear of her starting to like this guy. I have changed, and I want her to know that. I want the opportunity to show her that I can be the man she deserves. I really need help. If there is anyone out there who can help me please give me some advice. Tell me what to do. I love her to death and I don't wanna lose her!!!
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her ex, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): Wow!!!!
That's a shocker!!! Never expected that one!! Anyway, guess you have one of the best alibi ever (on the time-out front). Hey, tell me all about the army experience (I'm quite curious)!
Take care :)
A
male
reader, dicaprio174 +, writes (7 October 2009):
dicaprio174 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Clariss. It seems that things got a little complicated since my last message. I had a little family problem, so I decided to leave school for a while and join the army. I'll be in basic training for 6 months. I think that'll give her enough time to figure out what she wants. Hopefully we'll talk when I get back and clear things out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): HI
Oh Dear!
Seems to me that whatever that was between the two of you is not completely over yet. I think that your (should I say ex?) girlfriend still have some feelings for you. To tell you the truth, (and being a woman) we women would like men to brood over us. It sounds silly and yes, selfish, but the thought that a man is suffering in our absence makes us feel important. It is childish and we aren't really serious about it... so... you know... one of those crazy thoughts we get! Not to be taken seriously.
However, it has been one week or less of your break-up. Perhaps the lady is having second thoughts about the whole thing. Maybe she asked for a break up because she thought that you would come groveling after her. Or, maybe she wanted to punish you or, maybe she thought that the very thought of leaving her would make you shower her with love, affection and attention (I mean, hey, you had kind of treated her shabbily).
Well, it seems to me that perhaps she wasn't prepared to see you get back on your feet so soon!
Anyway, the real question is what do you guys do now. Are you feeling released? Do you feel lighter (emotionally) now that the two of you have separated, or are you still thinking that perhaps it would be nice if you two got back together again?
At this stage, it is understandable that you are both confused. If you know the answer then, the path to recovery is easier for you. However, if the both of you are still confused whether you should be together or not... well, then , my advice to you will be to take some time off. Ignore this particular phone call. It is not easy for many women to let go, so try to give her at least two weeks to accept the fact that the two of you are not a couple anymore. SO, don't say anything, just hear her out!
In case, you also start missing her, then there is a probability that you might get back again... but even for that to happen, I think that you need to let some water flow under the bridge! But, after a while, when things are getting back towards the normal, I'd advise the two of you to have a talk. A serious heart to heart one, in which you guys can open up without any fears or hopes, and just decide to stay friends. You have shared two years together,it would be a pity if you guys didn't come out of the relationship as friends.
That is all I have for now...
Let me know abt the future developments
Ciao :)
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male
reader, dicaprio174 +, writes (5 October 2009):
dicaprio174 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah. Tanks. So I'm a bit confused now. It's been probably a week or less since she broke up with me. I think she's dating the other guy I mentioned. I stopped calling her and avoid contact with her at all times. Finally decided to move on. I go out to parties and socialize, and I'm going on dates with female friends. Well it seems that my ex- girlfriend doesn't like any of this. She called me today and I said I would call her back cuz one of my friends was calling me. This got her very upset. She started saying I didn't care about her anymore, that I seem to be having more fun now that I'm without her and that she's jealous, and it upsets her every time I go out on a date or to a party. I don't know if I should have said this but I told her she was being selfish, because apparently, she preferred when I locked myself in the house crying over her, calling her, begging her not to leave me. And now that I'm happy, she's upset about it. Next thing I know she's crying and hangs up the phone. What's going on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): HI
Okay.... LIFE!!!! : )
So, I like the way you are thinking... and I like your enthusiasm for life... The empty space will fill... It'll take time... But, then... life goes on... Pack it with all that you can do... Sometimes the break up turns out to be a the start of an entirely new chapter... Often a better one... SO...
Live it up!!!
Personally, I think that you are currently in a better place than you were before (i mean emotionally).
You sound very healthy to me...
KUdos for taking this in the right way...
Best of luck and lots of love
CHEERS :)
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A
male
reader, dicaprio174 +, writes (29 September 2009):
dicaprio174 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, people, I did exactly what to told me to do to get her back (nothing). And it finally happened. She DUMPED ME!! After not talking for a whole week, she said she had thought about the issue deeply and decided that the best solution would be to separate. But guess what. I'm ok with that, and I agreed with her on the breakup. Even tho I feel really bad, like I have an empty space in my chest, I know I'll be ok without her. This time alone was an opportunity for me to change, to find my mistakes and correct them, an opportunity to become a better man. I decided to delete all her pictures, her messages and basically erase her from my life and move on. I thank u for the advise u gave me, and thank her for a beautiful 2year relationship. It took a breakup for me to realize I was wrong, but this things happen, and I'm glad it happened to me. :))
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): HiOk... so are you REALLY READING? Focus on what is being said. Your problem isn't will she come back... it is to check your insecurity out of your life!!! While sh is gone, think about what made you feel so insecure in the first place. Was it some remark from someone, or any act that made you feel as though you did not deserve her? Go back and analyse. And when you have pointed that out, ask yourself how relevant that was and why you chose to believe it. I don't think that you were so otherwise you wouldn't have been in this relationship to begin with. Your first focus is now yourself, ok. Deal with this ugly part of your persona and try get in control of it. Do something that makes you feel better about yourself. Even if it is something as elemental as volunteer work. It will help you stay busy and take your mind off your relationship issues. You must have a list of things that you would like to do on your own, why not do those? What I am saying is that for now, try to find fulfillment within yourself! Explore a new side to yourself. As for your girlfriend's return, we cannot guarantee anything... it is entirely upto her and the strength of your relationship. Before you start obsessing whether she will return, do you think that you deserve her, even after all this? IF yes, then by all means, try to get her back, but his time do it with more conviction and confidence. IF not, then, how can she come back to someone who doesn't believe that he deserves her!!! Looks aren't everything and do you really want her to come back only to be treated with mistrust again? It is very hurtful and your prolonged behavior has proved that you weren't even aware of the problem! In fact the questions that you are posting NOW has me almost convinced that you aren't even reading all the advices given to you! So, if you truly want to improve the situation, you have to start paying more attention!!! HAve you done anything to come to grips with your insecurity? Have you confessed why you did all that to your girlfriend? Are you going to do it, when you talk to her on sat or sun? Her return is now out of your control, but what you can do is change and try to be a better person, so that you might restart your relationship on a fresh page. Insecurity isn't confined to one person you know, with time this problem will intensify and spill over in all your future relationships, be it of your girlfriend, boss, work or anything! So deal with that, while she is gone. Simply accept the fact that IT IS YOUR PROBLEM. You haven't done it yet. You haven't even made a sincere effort! How do I know this? WEll, because you are asking us whether you should wait for her or win her back or let her go!!! What you should have been asking was that how do I deal with my insecurity? Should I consult someone or talk to someone. But you haven't done that. I think that you are still in denial. Well, snap out of it!!! And take stock of the situation!! IF you do not see things with some clarity at least, I fear for your future!!! GOOD LUCK
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reader, Mariab  +, writes (22 September 2009):
 I think what everyone is saying in a way is that ITS UP TO HER to come back to you. So you have to work on yourself and see if she wants to be with the new you. You cannot make someone come back to you if they are not happy with your behaviour at present. Good luck xx
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male
reader, dicaprio174 +, writes (22 September 2009):
dicaprio174 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, so, could anyone give me any ideas on how I should act during this time apart? should I try to get her back? or just let her be?
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male
reader, dicaprio174 +, writes (21 September 2009):
dicaprio174 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate all of your answers. I feel much better now and have a clear idea of what I must do.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 September 2009):
If you love her, you have to make a serious change She chose to be WITH YOU! If you're that insecure, get some counselling or something. Because you will lose her with your jealousy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): HI
Jealousy, possessiveness, clinging, they all sprang out of your INSECURITY. You made her prove her love for you because you were so convinced that why would anyone as attractive and wonderful as your girl will be with someone like you, right? All were actions were taken to help you prove that you were right in suspecting that she will leave you, so you did things that would eventually drive her away. This is like cutting your nose to spite your face. Your conviction about your unattractiveness brought about the situation that you had imagined, like a self-fulfilling prophesy!!
Now, what is done is done. Be very glad that your girl is only taking time-out not outright dumping you! She had ever right to do so, you know.
First things first, you have to deal with the fact that your girl loved you, in spite of your unattractiveness!! That she chose to stay with you for 2yrs. Believe me, if she was that superficial as to be with someone that had the looks and a car, she would have! Then why was she with you? Obviously, because she loved you, and because she wanted you. See, how stupid you have been by punishing someone who actually loves you for who you are!
Now, this situation will repeat itself in future if you do not settle your insecurity issues. They are all in your head, but you do need to take care of them. Get counselling if you must. List down all those good things about yourself! Just try to see yourself through her eyes. Please, you truly need to do this. Otherwise, things will seem okay on the surface, and you don't want that, right?
Now, as for getting your girlfriend back, well, you did hurt her in a VERY BIG way. I mean, not only did you not trust her, but you were so sure that she cheated on you that you went so far as to try to sleep with another girl!! Seriously, do have any idea how hurtful that must have been?
ANd, instead of taking this as a wake up call, you made things worse by sending a highly inappropriate email to her friend who was only being nice! WAKE UP!
What is with all this madness. Once you hurt someone, it takes a lot of time to heal. And you have hurt her deeply. So, give her some time now. She has to deal with the fact that the man she was with for 2yrs and whom she gave all her love cannot trust her with another man. To her your acts are like a whole new and not a very nice side of things.
True, insecurity makes people stupid and they do things that are not the wisest. But, hey, once you hurt someone, you have to wait for them to be ready to forgive.
Please deal with your insecurity issues. Most men will kill to be in your shoes, you know, having a woman who loves them for themselves! Then very honestly and sincerely confess. Tell her that it wasn't her you didn't trust, it was your insecurity and paranoia that made you imagine all that nonsense. Once she sees that, maybe she will sympathize with you. Right now, you need to follow her rules. Please do not rush it.
And, for god's sake, do not go out imagining things again. ANd if she wants to be with other men, for a while let her... you really are in position to object. Just watch how it goes. Be honest with her, ok. Tell her that you have indeed been a jerk and I hope that you will let go of all your paranoia. You have to learn this the hard way, but hopefully you will remember this particular lesson well.
I wish you the very best. Hope that she does come back. But, please appreciate what you have, ok.
I hope I have been of help. God Bless You
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female
reader, Mariab +, writes (21 September 2009):
What a tough one. Well you will not win her back by doing the same things that made her leave. You really have to be different and make a commitment to change. Everybody needs the space to be themselves so the first thing is to lose the fear of failure and rejection. You will not win anyone out of desperation. In fact the opposite will happen! Women do not find clingy, possessive men attractive so you have to be really STRONG on this one. You have to allow her the space she needs. Don't push her or force her to be ready. Just talk to her, listen to her... tell her you miss her but you understand her need for time. Really you have to give her the reigns if you going to win this one, else she will know that you haven't changed much. I hope this helps. xx
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reader, Azure Rain +, writes (21 September 2009):
You say that you have changed, yet you are thinking this is an opportunity for the other guy to get closer to her. Your jealous actions are pushing her away. No matter what you say ACTIONS speak louder than words. If you truly love her why do u treat her this way. Im sorry to say this but you sound very selfish. You don't feel that great about yourself so you try to destroy her self-esteem so she can need you for validation. Since your compromise is from now until december i really really think you need to see a counselor. I believe that once you feel better about yourself you will see that the girl loves you. She obviously loves you if she has put up with your actions so far. You have to love your self before you can love anyone else. She seem like such a nice girl and you want her to be happy. You have to fix ur self so she can be happy.
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