A
female
age
30-35,
*randyy
writes:I dont get why people on here say you cant be in love at 17 or you cant love two people, not trying to seem too blunt about it, but seriously i just dont get why at 16 or 17 "you cant possibly be in love" ???? or if you have feeling for 2 people thats impossible, people get married and divorced and re-married all over again, but you say its impossible to love 2 people. Either why you put it, its mutual. Why does anyone say that?
View related questions:
divorce, love two Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (21 September 2009):
 This is a good question. Thank you for asking about it.
As far as answering why people say you can’t be in love with two people at once, I can’t. I don’t think I have ever said that. All I do say on that matter is that based upon my experience, which was obtained from times when I felt I loved two people at once, there are usually other factors involved.
I have found that when people believe they are in love with two different people, it is often true that with space and time comes clarity (perspective), and they find neither person is an ideal match. With perspective we can better recognize other factors which have influenced our interpretation of the situation.
As for being “in love” at any given age, I believe it is possible for young people (of any age) to feel love. I certainly believe my nine year old daughter has a capacity for love within her, even if she is still learning and growing as an individual. Her reasons for loving someone may be different than mine, as a grown up, but they are no less valid.
I had loves as a teenager. I remember them fondly and believe they had love for me as well. We certainly shared loving relationships, but neither of us was thinking about marriage or children. I would also say that it is my experience that many adults have a skewed perspective of love.
What I can tell you is this:
Any person is capable of determining they feel lovingly towards someone. However as a teenager, usually your wants and needs for love are different than they will be as an adult. It is possible, if unlikely, that you will meet the love of your life at your tender age. Not because you are incapable of strong emotional bonds, but because who you are today and you will be in 10 years will not be the same.
Many people who meet their spouses in high school are unhappy in the long term. A long term relationship to an adult is not generally thought of as three years, for example. Many of us think in terms of decades. Once children have been in the picture for a few years, people often wonder what they missed by not exploring more in their youth.
Is this true of everyone in that situation? No. However it is true of EVERYONE I KNOW in the real world who is in that situation, or has been. And that means it is common enough for me to tell you to keep it in mind.
It has been my experience that those who understand themselves most fully have the most rewarding relationships. Those who recognize that loving someone is WORK find the most success. When seeking a life-long love, you must ensure you are looking for those character traits that you can live with for the rest of your life. I recommend similar spiritual and political ideas (not the same religion or favourite political party - just similar ideals), the same life goals and the ability to be each other’s best friend, and someone willing to put in the same work you are. And those factors DO CHANGE in the time it takes to go from 16 years old to 30!
Life-long love is an entirely different sort of love than the kind found when you are just thinking in terms of the immediate future (today, tomorrow, maybe even the next couple of months or years, but not necessarily thinking five or ten years down the road).
And I will add this:
There are people twice (or more) your age who make THE SAME MISTAKES. Just peruse the pages on this website to find evidence of that.
So, to sum up, I think people may suggest that a teenager’s love isn’t real love because they want to provide some perspective. If you have a teenage broken heart, your ability to bounce back is far greater because you may not have put in the same work (have not built a family or home together). If you have concerns about sex, whether or not your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you, etc., they may be trying to comfort you. It is very likely that given a few months, you will already have moved on to someone better.
I will agree however, that teens can feel love. They can feel pain. They can have a broken heart. Some of them may even be capable of finding the love of their lives, but in truth they are one in a million.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): Single teenagers want to find love.
Most single adults have already gotten burned by finding love several times with the wrong people and situations. Eventually they have figured out that they need to find "real love" with a good person and situation or else it's nothing but heartache.
"Being in love" is not the part that is so rare and difficult for everyone to find. The hard part is being in love with the right person and in the right situation for you both.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): I found the love of my life at 15 and am now living in own house with him, planning future and family. It happens. Thats just my two cents. The older aunts answered perfectly ps im 19
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): People who say that have simply never experienced such strong feelings for anyone at that age for one, or even two people. So they don't understand.
Im not talking about playground 'crushes', I'm talking about the real deal. It doesn't happen for a lot of kids that age but it does happen. Saying it's 'impossible' is silly, and kind of an insult to a teenagers emotional intelligence. If that makes sense :)
...............................
|
