A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am at a loss of what to say. I feel incredibly overwhelmed and I’m not sure what to do or how to deal with the situation I have in front of me.My partner and I have been together for 7 years and not married. Before Covid hit, I decided to end things for a number of reasons and one being he’d had feeling for someone else. I couldn’t organise things before lockdown, so I ended up staying put and living with him for the following few months.It was difficult at first, but we’ve started to work things out and I still love him. I still have concerns, but I’ve been willing to give it another shot. We’ve been doing really well.Then we had news that his estranged sister was pregnant, gave birth and died, leaving behind a new born with no father.It has been tragic and upsetting and impacted all of our lives.My partners mum has taken custody of the child, but she expects us to work together as a 3 person relationship to raise the child as she is getting old. She is a very overwhelming and loud character that I find very difficult to deal with. I wasn’t ready for children, I was and am on an edge of where my long term relationship is going and his mum is saying we need to look after this child whether we want to or not. She expects that she will raise the child for a little while, but we are to take him into ‘our family’ as the baby needs parents. My family are to act as grandparents too.I’m so overwhelmed and afraid. I love my partner, but I don’t feel I can deal with her particularly so involved in my life and deciding everything, including that I will now have a baby and likely how that baby would be raised.Considering I was thinking to leave my partner I don’t think it’s a good idea. I feel awkward to raise his sisters child and have to raise him in a way that is always reminding the child that I am not it’s real mother and have my partners mother on our backs all the time. It wouldn’t be a great way to raise my first child. I don’t even know if my relationship could withstand that pressure given circumstances. I also didn’t want two children myself, taking into account finances.I would have ideally liked to work things out with my partner and we got back into a happy place where I was confident with him, be married, have a child ourselves and settle down.We are so confused as we feel obligated. His mum could take the child till it’s much older, but I wouldn’t want that over my head when I’m trying to mend a relationship and everything else.My partner is just as upset and confused about everything. He doesn’t want the child either, but feels like it’s family and he has to.We don’t want the child having to go to foster / adoption because we ‘can’t do it’.We don’t want to have a toddler trying to integrate into our lives later on either. We would prefer it was a baby and could hopefully try to be more attached.We also didn’t want two children and it could potentially mean we don’t have our own.We feel like we don’t have any options, but to take the baby on now, but we had so much more plans for our lives first.I’m not saying we wouldn’t love the child if it came to our care. I absolutely could, but it just doesn’t seem like a good idea.I don’t even know what to ask you. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2020): FYI
Courts often appoint guardian ad litem in situations like yours where no-one seems to be able to decide who assumes care and custody of a child.
It's not like they are forcing anyone to take responsibility; but in a case like yours, the guardians ad litem act as fact-finders for the court. Your boyfriend, one of his relatives, or his mother aren't necessarily advocates for the baby. They don't have to keep the child in their home. A family-court, working in conjunction with child-protection authorities; can assign temporary foster-care, if necessary. Your boyfriend and his family might be able to search-out some information regarding the biological-father; but they can't force him to take any responsibility other than provide financial-support. No court can compel anyone to take a child.
If no-one steps-up in the family, the final-outcome will be a foster-home, or adoption. From what you've indicated, I don't think the grandmother has the financial-means or the capacity (emotionally, mentally, or health-wise) to care for an infant child alone.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2020): "Then we had news that his estranged sister was pregnant, gave birth and died, leaving behind a new born with no father."
She left behind a newborn with no MOTHER. The child does indeed have a father, and given the time frame it's very possible he may not even know that she was pregnant. If he dumped her after he knocked her up, then he is still obligated to provide financial support.
I would strongly suggest that legal paternity needs to be established ASAP; the father should be given the opportunity to be involved in his child's life and perhaps his family may have the resources to provide a better life for their grandbaby than your boyfriend's aging mother.
And given the tenuous living situation I would highly recommend a court-appointed guardian ad litem who would be acting SOLELY in the child's best interests as I suspect grandma is not in a position to be making rational long-term decisions.
And a friendly reminder: As a live-in girlfriend you have zero legal standing in the child's life. Imagine a scenario where five years from now you break up again and he could take the kid you've raised as your own away without you ever seeing him/her again and you'd have no legal recourse.
For the sake of the child, do not let yourself be pressured into making a lifetime commitment for which you are not ready.
This is a situation where family court needs to be involved.
Consult a family law attorney.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2020): Oh, wow! What a predicament!!! Just when you think you're getting things in order; something like this comes out of the blue!
Your seven-year relationship temporarily ended; which is an indication that it requires some work and adjustments. A newborn-infant placed in the center of this would become quite complicated; and even more tricky, if the relationship doesn't workout as hoped. You're in a place that it could go either-way; and neither of you are really ready for a child, or want to be parents at this point.
It's a no-go! A child should not be placed in the middle of an unsteady situation; and least of all, in a place where the poor little thing isn't wanted. Just taking a child out of guilt, or because you feel pressured to, is worse than placing the child up for adoption. At least someone, or a couple, can take the child; and love it and offer him a home without anything else that could be placed ahead of his love and care. He shouldn't be a burden or hindrance in anyone's life, or their relationship.
Don't feel bad if you are not ready to be a mother. It's not something that should be forced on anyone.
Your partner feels he only has to, because his mother is relentlessly pressuring him to; but sometimes family has to take-on unexpected-responsibility for children born into the fold, who are left with no one to love and care for them. I have lost sisters who have passed-on; and their husbands are left as single-fathers. I will take them in, if anything happens to their fathers. It's the humane thing to do, but I wouldn't do it for any other reason than love for my sisters, the children, and their fathers. If my relationship was in the midst of repair, and uncertain; it would be unfair to expect my partner to take-on a responsibility that even I would be unsure I'd want to undertake.
I think you should be honest with your partner. It would be better to place the child up for adoption; than leave him with an elderly-woman with limited finances, and living alone. I think the three of you helping sounds ideal; but your heart isn't in it, so you should not do it. A child needs and deserves love, just feeding and sheltering it isn't enough. Least of all, a helpless human being shouldn't be treated like baggage nobody wants to carry. Adoption is the best solution. This story breaks my heart.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 August 2020):
 I'm so sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. I have no useful advice, except, perhaps, to investigate whether there are any support groups where you can air your worries and get constructive advice and support.
You are being railroaded into taking on a child which is not yours even though you have not yet really worked out whether your relationship with your boyfriend is going to survive. While I understand this child needs to be loved and taken care of, how much more difficult is the situation going to be if you discover, further down the line, that your relationship cannot be saved but now there is a child involved as well? Your boyfriend's mother has no right to demand this level of commitment from him, let alone from you.
I'm sorry, I have no advice for you but just didn't want to read and run because I really do feel for you. What a dreadful situation. My heart goes out to you. I hope someone can offer constructive advice to help you. All I can offer is to advise you not to rush into anything, to talk things through in great detail with everyone concerned and to make the decision you feel is best for you. This is a truly dreadful situation and I can understand why you feel overwhelmed.
Sending you hugs and wishing you all the best.
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