A
female
age
30-35,
*roofroo22
writes:There's this guy I have been dating and he is overall wonderful. However, he's done things here and there that has shown me that maybe he can't really compromise. Once, we went dancing at a restaurant with a live band. We had a great time had some drinks before hand. At one point, I was feeling tired after we were dancing for a while and wanted to go sit down just to catch a breather and recoup before going back up there again. I told him I was a little tired and wanted to sit down. He was like "Nooo! Common babe! Let's just dance!" holding my hand with a big smile and was not letting me go to my seat.Another time, we were having sex, and I asked him to use a condom and he put it on. At one point, I felt it not there anymore, looked down, and it was off. I asked him to put it back on and he said "Don't worry, you're worrying too much, trust me, you're not going to get pregnant."Another time, we were sitting in his house and the sun was going down, making the room darker and darker. It got so dark that I started feeling weird as to why he wasn't turning a light on. I asked, "Hey, it's kinda dark in here and I wanna be able to see your face better. Can we turn a light on?" and he said, "Why? This is nice. I can totally see your face. You're just not used to this." I said ".........So.....are you really not gonna turn the light on?" And he wouldnt do it after I asked literally 3 times. After asking a bunch of times, I said "Are you the type of person who doesn't compromise?" And he straight up said "No. I'm not like that" I said "Are you trying to be funny or are you being serious?" And he didn't say he was joking. I'm so disappointed. It was such a great thing we had going and I'm sad it has to turn out this way. I don't know if I can be with someone who can't compromise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): HiALL of the incidents you have related have meaning. They ALL mean that he thinks he is the only one who can have any wishes or needs. THIS MEANS THAT EVERYTHING HE IS DOING is showing you what kind of person he is. And at worst he is abusive and all these incidents are showing you that this possibility is real. The very fact that you are asking for help over his behaviour is telling me enough about what kind of man he is. It's not just that he can't compromise. It's that he thinks his wishes and needs are important and yours aren't. This points to abusive behaviour and guess what? Abusive men like their women pregnant because they are much easier to control that way. I'm not joking. You sound as if you have not heard of abuse. Don't dismiss what I'm saying. Believe me, I think that this is what is happening here. The fact that he was so great in the first place underlines this. They want to make it difficult for you to leave them so initially they are wonderful so you don't want to lose them.This is probably all a bit much for you to take in, but take my advice and read up on abuse. All kinds. Emotional (which is what I think is happening to you right now), mental, verbal and physical. Has he ever called you names or shouted at you for no reason? Or done other things to make you a bit confused or question his behaviour in your head? If not, then I'm guessing it won't be long. He has given you a taste of what this relationship is going to be like. I wouldn't stick around for the main course if I were you. Good luck.
A
female
reader, froofroo22 +, writes (29 July 2017):
froofroo22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the advice. It has helped me move on
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 July 2017):
 The light and dancing are really MINOR issues compared to removing the condom. READY up on "stealthing" like Code Warrior mentioned. It's disgusting!
And a guy at 38? Why should he change? he does EXACTLY as HE wants with NO regard for you and what you want?
You are hoping he will change - do you really think he will? Because most people don't. Because they don't WANT to and because they don't see the issue at all.
What you have seen might just be the very tip of the iceberg and more "bad behavior" is in store.
You are dating him for the potential YOU see in him, not for who he is - so good luck with that.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (29 July 2017):
The guy is a selfish bully. Stop dating him. You should have dumped him after the condom incident. Forcing you to stay on the dance floor when you're ready to sit down is abusive. Count yourself lucky that he showed you who he really is before you move in together, married or scrambled your DNA. Drop him and move on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 July 2017):
 The condom episode is a huge red flag, as Code Warrior says it is at best unethical, and at worst , in some places, it's downright illegal. Ergo- you'd better give him his walking papers, just for that episode.
For the rest , though- it takes two to tango. I think you need to be more assertive , if you want to have a regular social and working life. You can be politely firm, and stand your ground without having to turn everything into an open conflict . In fact, I think you should try to become more assertive, AND to grow a thicker skin at the same time, so that you do not have to take everything as an attempted prevarication.
Now , seen the condom thing, it is quite likely that this guy IS potentially a bully. But, in general, when people are excited , or enthusiastic about something, they will insist, they will try to push their suggestion, to convince you of something. It sort of comes natural, it does not necessarily mean that they are being rude or boorish, or at least not intentionally , in a mean way.
I mean, haven't you ever been invited to dinner and invited to take a second helping by your host ? And you say, no thanks - and she says " Oh come on... just take this little slice.. this last meatball... " Haven't you ever gone to a party , where your friends did not want to let you go home ? " Yes I know you need to get up early for work... but stay just another 30 minutes, another 15 ! " Well, yes it's true, you said no the first time and people should have stopped at that- then again a social skill that one has to master by a certain age is that of standing your ground and getting what you want- gracefully ! Without turning every little difference, every minor details into a nasty argument, or full blown clash of wills , and without giving , or taking !, unnecessary offence.
Like, in the club he was not letting you go to your seat ?? How did he do that, did he shackle your wrists to the radiator ? All you had to do was to say: sorry, I am really tired, - then °turn your back ° and walk to your seat .
Here we say " If you turn yourself into a sheep, the wolf will come and eat you "....
Said that, for general purposes- the condom thing is serious, unforgivable and- just dangerous. So yeah- walking papers time.
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A
female
reader, froofroo22 +, writes (29 July 2017):
froofroo22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing for me is not really the act of who is turning the light on. It's about the fact that he didnt want to even meet me at a middle ground. As far as the dancing goes, I sat down, and I got up myself to turn on the light after I saw he wasn't doing it.
Can people like this learn to compromise or are they generally the same? He's 38.
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A
female
reader, froofroo22 +, writes (29 July 2017):
froofroo22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe light thing is not about whether he or I turn on the light though. I eventually got up and turned oon myself and i never said I continued dancing with him. it's the fact that he didnt want to meet me in the middle ground when i asked more than once. Is this straight unchangable?i really like him
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 July 2017):
I'm sorry YOU have to decide whether these behaviors are NOT OK or OK with you.
Personally, I agree you could have told him, NO I need a breather from dancing, let's just sit - if he refused YOU walked your butt back to your chair. IT IS OK to say no.
Same with not turning on the lights. GET off your ass and turn on a lamp! If you want lights on.
But the condom incident is absolutely disgusting to me. HE is playing Russian Roulette with your body. Are you on birth control? And knowing that most birth control is NOT 100% him EJACULATING inside you CAN still happen and that YOU have no control. This isn't about TRUST, it's about HIM DISRESPECTING your wish. Because you TRUSTED him to PUT the condom on and KEEP it on during sex and he didn't. SO you already know you CAN NOT trust him.
Personally? I would let him go. I think he is more fixated with being IN control rather than caring about HOW you might feel.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 July 2017):
 I'm not sure this is so much about not compromising as about pushing other people's boundaries. Slightly different behaviour but just as annoying long-term.
You did have the option of actually insisting on sitting down and resting when you were dancing. You could have stood your ground. He couldn't force you to carry on dancing. You chose to allow yourself to be manipulated.
You could have stood up and switched on the light yourself when he refused to do it. If YOU really wanted those things, you should have insisted and not let him control the situation. Maybe I am just a more forceful person than you but I certainly would not have danced when I wanted to rest or put up with feeling uncomfortable when he would not put on the light.
On the other hand, the condom thing would worry me greatly. I hope you are using additional protection.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (28 July 2017):
 Sorry my dear, but I think you already know the answer to this one. He isn't going to change. It's his nature and nurture.
You know where the door is.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (28 July 2017):
 The condom thing is a big no no to me, any man that can not respect a woman in that way is not a man, I would expect better from a 16-year-old, he is twice that,
the other things would be ok until they become too many at any one time, then it can get on your nerves,
but I think you went into this with your eyes closed a little and might have over looked it or he just put on a good act and now is going back to himself, like the people that say he was nice until the wedding day,
you know now you need to walk away and part of you does not want to take that first step,
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