A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I hope you can take time and read this, as I dont know know who else to reach to.I am a woman in my mid twenties, I have a small child that I raise at home alone. I was married to the father of my child for four years. The relationship was definately dysfunctional and codependent. There was also plenty of abusive,verbal as well physical.I finally decided to leave, we have seperated for a year, I was doing ok but I was extermely lonely I also felt unnatractive from the weight I gained about 50 pounds. My ex called me and wanted to get back with me, he started therapy and was on medication for schizophrenia. He claimed he is stable on medication and can live a regular life, he wanted to be family. This also was his exuse for past abuse the untreated mental illness.I was desperate and took hime back, we soon after had unprotected sex. I didnt know he was sleeping with other people during our seperation. A month later I found out I contracted genital herpes. He said he never had no symptoms and that I gave it to him.We broke up since then, is been couple of months since then. He again wants to work things out. He actually never stopped trying to get back with me. He claims to love me and constantly calls me and leave messages asking to be family. I think is because he is lost himself and cant really find anyone else so He wants me back. He confuses love for needing me. I have no love left for him, but at the same time I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life so I kind oif need him. Thats the difference between him and me I know is just need and fear of beng lonely than love. It looks like it might be this way because I would never be able to tell someone what I have. I am not that pretty or smart or have a great personality, so who would even want me with this baggage I carry. What clean man would voluntarily risk of getting infected, and how do I find a guy that already has the same problem as me, it aint like they come with signs.I am depressed and lost, I over eat , drink ,smoke. I dont even think I am a good mother anymore.Should I just settle for this man, since we both have the same curse. Even though he is stable on his medication, he doesnt work or wants to work. He chooses to be on his disability. I know I wouldnt be happy with him but atleast he would be home and therefor he can babysit our son while I work and go to gym to loose weight.I mean finding a man is out of question at this point, so maybe I should just settle and make the most of it while I can?I mean people stay with other people all the time and somehow make it in life, my life is pretty much in ruins so atleast we can be togheter and raise our son, that way the holidays wont be lonely and things like that. So is not even about being happy but about being smart. What do you think I am lost? Please help
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broke up, depressed, ex called, herpes, his ex, my ex, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hechisera +, writes (24 July 2009):
Wow, you have brought me to tears. Its sad to hear all the pain you are experiencing with this man. Don't you have family/friends that you can go to for help?? You don't have to feel like your alone... I have a friend whom I care for dearly that also has herpes. She for a long time battled with the same question as you...should I stay? No man will ever love/accept me with this?? She remained very strong for her son and went through Hell and back with her ex... We would pray together and she was completely lost. Finally she had the courage to leave her ex and try to get on with her life/son. As time passed, she met this wonderful/handsome MAN, and she was pretty upfront with him and told him of her condition. He ofcourse was caught of guard and was in complete shock...just like anybody else would be!! But let me tell you that this guy came back after a few days and told her that he wanted to be with her and would do whatever it takes to make her happy. They are now married and have been very strong for 3 years. So please don't feel like you need to settle... Just give yourself some time to deal with it, alone.I know that it sounds hard, but you need to do this for YOU! You don't need someone like that in your life!! You deserve to be happy. God bless you! Trust in HIM and he will clear the way.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 July 2009):
 Poster, won't you please read this link:
http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=3577
Some of the contents:
The antiviral drug valacyclovir (Valtrex), taken once a day, has been found to reduce the shedding of HSV-2 on genital mucosal surfaces and to reduce the rate of transmission of genital herpes among discordant couples (couples in which one partner is HSV-2-positive and the other is HSV-2-negative). The US Food and Drug Administration approved the use of valacyclovir (Valtrex) for the prevention of sexual transmission of HSV infection.
So, it seems there's a way for a person to marry you and not contract genital herpes.
Here's another link:
http://www.medicinenet.com/genital_herpes_in_women/article.htm
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 July 2009):
I am will all the aunts here. Your situation is difficult, but still it is a life worth living, dear poster. There is no reason why you should give up and settle for abuse and pain. Masq is so right that you have to live for your son. But you have to live for yourself, too. You're too young to put an end to your own life.
It will take a lot of courage, but it can be done. As to your disease, we are never our diseases, dear; we are who our hearts and minds make us be. Be strong, dear poster.
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A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (24 July 2009):
I understand you problem, It isn't your fault he gave you a S.T.D you trusted him and he let you down. What I'am not getting is why would you want to be with someone that is so unstable, you aren't thinking of your child and that is what you should be thinking of. I am sure you will find love eventually, Hell people with HIV find love so why can't you. I think you need to find a support group and start there that way you can make friends in a similar situation as you. So what you don't think your all that fine, and smart what does that have to do with anything, I am sure you are perfectly fine and you are just being over dramatic. Dump him, get into a support group, get a make over and get on with your life and start being a better mother. I think you have talked yourself down and that is why you feel the way you do. If you do not love him then stop leading him on, and you don't have to be together to be a family. So basically he isn't going anywhere at all, he will always be around for the rest of your life so see honey in reality you will never be alone. Pick your life up and move on you are not damaged goods and as longs as you believe that then you will end up being damage.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (24 July 2009):
 It is never, never, EVER ok to settle for less than what you deserve. You speak of yourself as though it's your fault that you contracted an STI. Let me tell you, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. Yes, it was irresponsible to have unprotected sex, but guess what? You're not the first girl to do it, and you won't be the last. So don't blame yourself for that.
It is ALWAYS better to be single than to be in a bad relationship. If you love your ex, get back with him. If you don't, then stay away. Getting back with him so that you're not lonely on the holidays or so that he can babysit your son is not a good enough reason to get back with him.
There is clearly someone else out there who is better for you. You are NOT "damaged goods". There are treatments for genital herpes. Add that to the fact that, again, the fact that you contracted it is NOT YOUR FAULT, and I can't see a single reason why a guy wouldn't want to be with you.
I have to be a bit tough here. If this is affecting the way you're raising your son, you need to smarten up. Believe in yourself and show him what it looks like to rise above your circumstances. I'm not a parent and I can't say I understand your struggle, but if your son isn't your first concern something is seriously wrong.
I'll be praying for you.
masq
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A
female
reader, sunshine143 +, writes (24 July 2009):
You wrote "The relationship was definately dysfunctional and codependent. There was also plenty of abusive,verbal as well physical." So to me it is not a good thing for your son to be around. You child should come first. Do you want your child to feel like they should have to settle for something that don't make them happy?? You are not damaged goods, yeah some people may not wanna be with you because of your genital herpes but love is not only about sexual stuff and there will be someone who will look past that. You also said you have no love left for him. So if i was you i would not settle. Its better to be alone then be unhappy and be with someone for the wrong reasons. If he don't work he should watch your guys son anyways, you should not have to be be with him in order for him to take responsibility for the baby. Just take care of your son like you have been, you will find someone
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