A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year an a half. Obviously you get past that phase where you're so wrapped up in love you think eveything is wonderful and now I'm seeing some problems.We have big family dinners every 2nd month in my family, everyone always comes along with partners/ husbands/wives/kids /friends whoever you want to bring. We have it at a different house every time like 1 time my parents then my sister then my cousin then me and so on. The unwritten rule is that you respect the way that your host does things, so in my parents house no drinking, at my sister's no smoking not even in the garden and so on, so we don't. My boyfriend has been coming along to these dinners and he always insists on bringing alcohol, even when no one else does and the host is not serving alcohol.He's the only one that keeps going out to have a smoke when everyone else is just relaxing and talking together and none of the other smokers are rushing out the gate to smoke because they just don't when they're at her place.To be honest it's embarrassing and he makes me uncomfortable. Surely he could just do without cigarettes and alcohol for a couple of hours? It's not like we go every weekend.The other thing is that when I'm doing the dinner he drinks too much (he says it's our party so he can do what he wants like the others at their homes) and it's really embarrasing when he starts to slur and so on. I ask him every time please to not take alcohol with or could he please not keep running out to smoke and please not be drunk when we're the hosts and he promises he will and then just does it again. He says I shouldn't be so controlling and he will live his life as he pleases or he will not come out with me and not host any more family dinners with me. What can I do? I am starting to be such a nag and I live in this sort of nervous state of "is he going to be ok or am I going to get embarrassed again".
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 March 2012):
 Sorry he would be un-invited from now on. The lack of respect is just so tactless.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): I honestly don't think I would want to continue with a bf who was constantly drinking to the point of slurring speech at such events and embarrassing me and himself- if he just wanted to have a glass of wine or two or share a bottle while at your home for these get togethers that is a different story. If he hates them I understand him wanting a glass of wine, but not to excess and not bringing his own to the relative's home who doesn't want that.
You need to talk to him about it and then decide what to do because your health is going to suffer from being in a constant state of anxiety.
I'm a non smoker and I never date or hang around with anyone who smokes at all now. I went out with two men who smoked in the past year or so just as friends and each of them, although they said they wouldn't smoke while near me, did have to smoke, one guy left a movie theater no less than 5 x to smoke!, and when at a cafe etc. he only walked a few feet away- the smoke was still affecting me. One actually opened the car window to smoke and thought this was ok. I have asthma and I can't breath second hand smoke. Smokers are very selfish, inconsiderate people for the most part. Second hand smoke will affect your health and the health of your children if you were to marry this man and have a family.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 March 2012):
 Unless you love the guy enough to continue to put up with his rudeness, I'd suggest you end things because he will not get better, and he's made it clear to you that he's not going to change! My ex husband was very much like your guy. My family was close and we had get togethers quite often and although we didn't have things such as no drinking or no smoking, he was always being rude, crude and loud and managed to embarress me at every turn. It got to the point where I dreaded going or if I went I wound up going alone, which was humiliating to me. My family never said a word to my face, but I know they seen and heard how he acted and actually felt sorry for me. If you are close to your family, I'm sure they are well aware of what your guy does. Hate to say it, but I'd drop him.
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A
male
reader, adamskidude +, writes (17 March 2012):
 Sounds like a douche, he's either addicted to fags and booze or he's just an ass. Either way, I don't like him.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 March 2012):
 What an ass! He doesnt respect your family and thinks he's the cat's whiskers.
Honestly you dont deserve this constant dread of having to walk on egg shells at every family gathering. He sounds like a nuisance, and if he's telling you that its my way or the highway, then just ask him to hit the road. Is it worth living in a constant state of nervousness with someone who doesnt even respect you, let alone your family?
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (17 March 2012):
 Aunty, you said what I was about to say as I read this post!
It's all about respect, and he has none, not even for himself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): Being someone who does not like family get togethers and finds them an unbelievably boring chore I do feel that it is appropriate to do what the host wants and conform to their rules and cause no trouble whatsoever and to not draw any attention to yourself so it is over as quickly as possible and you can get out pronto!. Maybe your boyfriend finds it all very tedious too but he has to just drink and smoke to get himself through it. I can understand where he is coming from but I would conform to the hosts rules so as not to be seen to be rude and to keep the peace for my partner. I imagine he is itching to say he doesn't want them to be held in his house then he can get out of it for ever- I know I would be but sometimes we all have to do things we don't like. For the sake of him continuing to support you in this I would let him smoke and drink and to try not to refer to it or he will turn it against you and then won't participate any more for you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 March 2012):
 In my opinion he is showing a lack of respect for you and your family traditions. If he finds it so difficult to attend a dinner where alcohol or cigarette smoking is not welcome, simply leave him home. When the time comes for you to host the next dinner, take it outdoors, away from your house, if you know of somewhere with bbq facilites even better.
He sounds ignorant, are you sure you can live with this sort of boorish behaviour for the rest of your life?
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