A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi guys, just needing some advice regarding my best friend and an ex 'friend' of mine. Firstly i'm not a person that would ever expect my friends to choose between friends, but i'm confused as to where my best friends loyalty lies, loyalty is a big thing with me.My best friend and i have been friends since high school, were almost like sisters and have a great relationship. However me and a mutual friend have fallen out because i refuse to accept her drama in my life. She's really hurt me in the past by excluding my son from get togethers because her mother doesnt like his behavioural difficulties. shes also said not nice things about me behind my back. Shes a compulsive liar and causes no end of problems with her lies and half truths. This 'friend' has also caused my best friend many problems in the past and has stirred about her to her family and friends yet she continues to let her in her life and goes back to her. For me, i dont want this kind of friend in my life, so know my friends have to treat us as friend seperately. My best friend often comments how much this friend loves drama, is a stirrer, and has had generally not nice things to say about her , and says she is keeping her distance from her, Yet the next minute she's back spending time with her and keeping it a secret from me. I have no idea why she keeps it a secret as i've never expected my best friend to take sides. I did however think her loyalty remained with me slightly more and didnt expect her to ever lie about who she hangs with. If she has ever upset my best friend in the past i have 100% stood by her, and been upset that she has hurt my best friend, yet when the shoe is on the other foot it doesnt feel the same? This isn't just me that doesn't like her btw, many people see through her and her lies, but it seems im the only one honest enough to speak up about it. I just feel a bit alone. any advice on how to handle this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): Mariab - I find your post quite rude and narrow minded - It's people like you and with your frame of mind that give children low self esteem. In this day and age children with mental health problem shouldn't be made to feel socially excluded particuarly by his mothers close friends! My son didn't ask to be born with behavioural problems, and to miss out on birthday parties because he can't control his hyperactivity at times. Actually friends should be the ones to understand. The ones who don't understand or 'want to put up with him' as you say aren't exactly real friends are they? Lets hope none of your family or friends have children with behavioural problems hey. As for it having nothing to do with me regarding my bf, no it hasn't, if you read it properly it was the lying that hurt me. So maybe consider what you say before you consider yourself an 'agony aunt'. cheers. As for everyone else thanks for your helpful answers, me and my bf had a chat and agreed there was no need to be secretive. Ive asked her not to mention her to me anymore and we have a mutual understanding. Our little tiffs never seem to last long Lol :) Thanks.
A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (4 September 2013):
 I think that you should not involve yourself in your bf and 'ex-friend's' relationship and should not consider them meeting or talking as a disloyalty to you! They are adults who can make decisions for themselves and its not your problem to deal with. If your bf gets entertained or stressed by the drama of the ex-friend... that is hers to carry! Don't let your anger/disappointment with your ex-friend make you lose your bf because she should not have to choose.
Also, I think that if your son has behavioral difficulties and she excluded him from events... I'm sorry but if you were in her shoes.. what would you do? Sometimes its easy to get blinded by pain but you have to be fair and realistic with the people around you. She is/was your friend but she does not have to deal with behavioral difficulties of her friends children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): Is she actually lying to you or conveniently omitting the truth? They are separate things.If she simply omits to tell you it could be because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or because she wants to avoid a further discussion about "little miss drama queen's" faults all over again. Maybe she doesn't even think you'd be interested.If she is actually lying, simply ask her why because you you would never dream of dictating to her who she should or shouldn't see.It would be great if all our friends hated exactly the same people we hate but life isn't like that.
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A
female
reader, ModelCitizen +, writes (3 September 2013):
Sometimes people lie to avoid having to tell an uncomfortable truth. I don't think that's right necessarily, but I do understand why it's easier for some people. I'd say your best friend (rightly or wrongly) lied about it to keep the peace. It's not a malicious or hurtful lie, so if it were me I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and let it go. You should ask her to be honest in the future though and if she's a good friend she should do it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Then tell her straight NOT to lie to you. If she's that good of a friend she will listen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input. It's not a huge issue that she hangs with her, it never has been, But i do have an issue with being lied to. I dont think i deserve that, weve never had to lie to each other before, so dont understand why it's started now. I'm one of the most understanding people you could meet and i don't agree that lies are ok.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 September 2013):
I don't think there is much you can do. Your best friend may not have as bigger issues with the other friend that you don't like, so it's not really any of your business if she chooses to spend time with her (whether it's a secret or not)
She probably doesn't tell you because she doesn't want to offend you and obviously it's a huge issue for you because you have vented your feelings here!
Not everyone can be loyal to the core, we each have our own levels...you cannot own people or control what they do, you either take it or leave it.
I suggest you have a talk with your best friend, put your cards on the table and just ask her not to mention the other 'friend' if she's seen her or spent time with her.
Then just enjoy what friendship you have left.
Of course if you cannot stand the situation then maybe it's time to say goodbye to the pair of them, but I think it would be a shame to 'throw the baby out with the bathwater'
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