A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay.I have a friend who i have known since i was a kid. We are pretty close. But she is a bit hard to get along with...especially when it comes to guys. Maybe it is because she was sexually abused as a child. So she has never had a real relationship...or ever kissed a guy.A couple of years ago she had a crush on this guy, but he was seeing someone else. Plus he hardly knows her - they have not spoken to each other for 3 years. Now she is apparently in love with someone else, but he doesn't like her either.And the guy she used to like earlier asked me out. We are dating now. I had told her that he had asked me out and though she wasn't too happy about it, she didn't say much about it either.Now a few days ago she came to know that we are serious and she had a hissy fit. She said that i have broken her trust and that she can't trust me. She said if one of her current 'crushes' ever asks me out, she can't say for sure if I will go for it or not. I was really offended. Plus, I am not a man eater. Plus she was treating my boyfriend just as a back up, she wasn't even that into him in the first place. Because of what happened to her as a kid, she never pursues any guys and uses it as an excuse (i know i sound cold but she refuses to go for any therapy or any counseling and if i try helping she bites my head off). Recently, when i met her latest crush, she got really insecure around me, saying stuff like "oh you are showing your figure off" when i was just wearing trousers and a simple shirt or "don't wear a dress otherwise you will be competition for me". I think now the friendship is going to suffer, what should i do about it? I am very fond of her but I was very offended and knowing her, she will not apologize for what she said.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Why do you care OP? The way I see it you got what you wanted regardless of how she'd feel about it.
What did you expect? Did you really think she'd be overjoyed at the prospect?
All she has romantically is her fantasy crushes, they're her loves, her ex's emotionally even if nothing ever happened. Her past means it's incredibly difficult for her to connect with people, you yourself described her as "difficult" and like it or not you did cross a line of friendship.
I have zero friends who would cross that line with me. I would never get with a woman who any of my friends had major feelings for no matter how much time has passed.
Why would you be offended by her comment when you are the type of person who does get with the guys she has feelings for?
That's exactly what you did, it's fact. She merely stated that in that regard she's lost trust in you and she right to. Now you haven't even considered earning that back, you just want to blame her for all this.
You seem to think she's in the wrong here for being messed up and not doing what you think she should to get better, for being pissed at you for what she views as you taking something from her and you expect an apology for her stating a fact?
I don't know OP, from reading the other responses and discussing the topic with my wife there really is no concept of sisters before misters, girl code, the same way we guys have it. Even my wife thinks it's okay as long as the woman is not the one who initiates it and is single etc. She did make a good point about pursuit though and that women can't really turn down a guy they like to spare the feelings of a friend because they don't know when the next will come along. That to me says it all about how much importance a person puts into friendships versus romance.
You may disagree with everything I've said, I've probably even offended you but think for one moment whether I might see where she's coming from and understand that in terms of your friendship it's you that needs to apologise and reassure her that you wouldn't have gone near him if you thought it would hurt her in any way. If you can't do that, and she's as stubborn as you make out, then this is just going to fester.
In fairness OP, she's your friend, something you did has made her insecure, lose faith in herself, her trust in you and she's feeling hurt. Are you willing to lose her on some kind of principle or are you going to fix a situation that you broke, no matter how illogical it seems?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Calling DIPS is juvenile to say the least, specially if you (or her) do NOTHING about the crush other then "wait" for them to magically discover you/she is there.
It could very well be because of the childhood abuse that she sticks with having crushes instead of actually pursuing a guy. Because a fantasy is much much safer.
While I agree 100% with chigirl that you do not date a friend's ex, I I don'k think you should stay away from ANY and ALL guys your friends have a crush on.
And the guy you are currently dating was someone she HAD a crush on 3 years earlier? Did I get that right? So if she has a new crush every other months it would surely limit whom you can interact with and date when it comes to boys.
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A
female
reader, ModelCitizen  +, writes (3 September 2013):
Your friend sounds a lot like mine (minus the abuse issues). When I met my boyfriend, I called her to tell her I'd met a guy and had a date. When I told her his name she got mad at me because she had apparently met him a few weeks before and decided she liked him (he didn't reciprocate). So she told me I shouldn't go out with him and she was very mad when I went ahead with the date anyway.Now 4 years later we are still together and she has let it go, but can you imagine if I had turned down the date because of some ridiculous 'I saw him first' mentality? I could totally understand if it was her ex, or even a guy she had had feelings for for a long time. As a friend, it would be harsh and unfair to go after someone like that. But she can't have a full list of crushes that her friends aren't allowed to date. 'Dibs lists' are for children and have no place in adult friendships. So please don't feel that you did anything wrong there. Same for the clothes issue. If she doesn't like how you dress then tough. It says a lot more about her insecurities than it does about you anyway. You shouldn't have to dress down to give her confidence - that is down to her I'm afraid.It is interesting to note that you say she uses these guys as an excuse. I think that is definitely the case here. If she fixates on unavailable guys, then she can blame you (or any other girl) for the fact she is single and not herself or the issues she refuses to address.Unfortunately, if she has no intentions of getting help then I don't think there is a lot you can do. I would maybe try to speak to her once more and say her behaviour is making you question the friendship. But if she won't address the issues, then all you can do is either accept this is how she is or end the friendship. What you shouldn't do is change yourself though. A true friend wouldn't ask you to do that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): I don't think at all that you should turn any guy down ony because she likes him. That's just insane to even suggest that. What if sheis going to like every guy who asks you out? There is always someone who is prettier than us. I have friends who are gorgeous, and I probably look plain next to them, and when we go out guys pay more attention to them, so how is it their fault? It's up to me to deside if I want to hang out with them. Buti base my friendship not n physical qualities and on how much attention guys give them. Some of my friends like to expose a lot of skin, and of course guys will look at them, why would I care. We don't have this issue at all because we are adults and we are friends, and we are not fighting over any guy. I am also not telling my friend's how to dress or what guys to except or decline. If some of them will hit on my boyfriend, ok, now it is an issue, but nothing so far happened, but to forbid my friend to go out with a certain guy just insane. If she has issues with her childhood, she needs to adress them, but keep in mind it is her job, not yours. You can suggest and tell her what you think, but the rest is up to her. She doesn't seem to be like a very good friend.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Maybe because she was sexually abused as a child? I will say most definitely because she was sexually abused as a child, that sort of thing heavily messes someone up, and she's strong to just be in function and up and going, rather than having sunk into deep depression or developed a personality disorder. Like I said, sexual abuse as a child leaves a deep, deep imprint on you, a lot deeper than if raped as an adult, because you are in an even more vulnerable position as a child. I wont go on more about this, but please don't write this part of her history off as something irrelevant that "might" have an an impact on her life. Or even worse, like she's using it as an "excuse"??
It's not an excuse, it is a fact. Yes, she might get therapy, yes it might help her, but there is no guarantee it would, and you should try to respect that.
I'm sorry, but you were a poor friend to go out with a guy she used to like. Even if she never made a move on him, that breaks the girl-code. And what do you know about her keeping him as a "back-up"? She had a crush on the guy, and she apparently still carries a torch for him. Does she have a right to carry this torch? Yes, it is up to her whether or not she should carry feelings for someone. That's not your decision to make based on how well they know each other or not.
Does she have a right to be upset at you over dating this guy? No, not really, because he was single and you were single and you both liked each other.
Should you have been a better friend? You could have talked to her about this, perhaps? It is a breach of the girl-code either way, because you don't take a friend's ex and you don't date a friend's crush. The consequence is that you lose the friendship. I guess she bit her tongue because she tried to be happy for you, and thought she could handle it, yet when things got more serious she realized she couldn't handle it any longer.
Is it the adult thing to do, to react like this? No, it's not the adult and mature way to react, but never the less it is quite understandable, and a very common way to react.
Are you still dating this guy? Then have a talk with your friend. Tell her you thought she was over him, that you'd never make a pass at a guy you thought she liked. Tell her that you are now taken, and you are a loyal girlfriend, so there is no way you would try to pick up another guy while in a relationship.
Tell her that you wont go after her guys, promise her that. Then just let time pass and see what happens. Be "obvious" for the first time period now, avoid whatever men she's talking to, don't smile at them, instead you might actually soften your friends heart if you ignore her male friends completely or are rude to them. Then, as she becomes more comfortable, you can return to acting normal.
How does that sound?
If you ever had a female friend who got all the attention from the guys you liked, then you'd know how incredibly annoying and hurtful that is, and how resentment builds itself up. I have a friend who's been one of my closest friends for 13 years now. Do you know why we became such close friends? We fought over the same guy when we were 15-16. He liked her, not me. Our friendship would have ended right there, if it wasn't for her turning him down. He would have gotten between us if she had gone out with him. We wouldn't have been friends today, I am pretty sure of that. I also learned to stay waaay clear of ANY guy a female friend of mine liked.
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