A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm at a crossroads at the moment and it's stressing me out. I don't know what to do. My college roommate and I lived in our dorm room for two years and got along great so we decided to rent an apartment so we could increase our living space a bit. However the problem is, she doesn't have to work for two months and so she was able to go to the apartment and start moving things in. (I'm stuck at work for the summer and won't be able to move in until August.) However when I thought she was just moving her stuff in and the things we got for free (couches, dishes, etc), I find out that she already furnished the entire apartment and even decorated a lot of it. I honestly have nothing left to even contribute since she already got everything and I hate how it's making me feel.. I told her multiple times that I wanted to help out and I said "don't buy everything" and I'm just getting frustrated because she keeps showing me pictures of everything and there's even things I already told her I had for the apartment yet she got new ones. And like for our dining room table. I'd been going to garage sales with my mom looking for a decently priced table and chairs and found almost 5 different ones but my mom didn't like them so we waited and I told this to my roommate and she said "we've been looking for that at rummage sales too". Next day she sends me pictures and there's a new dining room table. So that was out of the question.There's nothing left for me! We started with a free couch and reclining chair, coffee table, and dishes. We then split the cost of a used futon. But she bought/brought everything else! New TV/stand, bookshelf, end tables, rugs, throw pillows, dining room table, toaster, microwave, more dishes, oven mitts, pans, hangers, pictures, shower curtain, shower caddy, silverware, cleaning supplies, tupperware, broom, dustpan, vacuum, plunger, ice cube trays, shoe rack, etc.What is even left besides the stuff for our rooms? Something else that's been bothering me is that I'll text her questions about the apartment and she'll answer my questions right away but she won't respond to anything else. I've messaged her about items I've bought (sent pictures), nothing. Told her about something that happened during my day, nothing. Told her about getting my brother's playstation and all his games etc for us to use and yet all of a sudden she stops texting me even though she had just responded to my apartment question. I'm afraid all this stuff I'm showing her she doesn't like and so she chooses to just say nothing...I don't know what to do. I want to confront her about it, but I don't want to upset her. I've already told her I want to contribute but because of her jump start over me she already got everything and I've brought nothing to the place. My only contribution was a measly half of $75 to help buy a futon... I even told her about a mirror I had gotten but she went and got one and said "well if anything, you can just put it in your room". Basically I'm confined to my own room while she gets to decorate and furnish the rest of the apartment...I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing, but I just feel slightly hurt but don't know if it's something to confront her about because all the stuff is already there. I know if I bring it up though she'll start giving in and letting me do whatever even if it's not to her liking and that's not what I want. I wanted to simply do things equally, which was so much easier in the dorms when we moved in at the same time. One of the biggest reasons I don't want to confront her though is that I know she's not doing it intentionally. Even though I've mentioned "don't buy everything" and I admitted to her that I felt like she was shooting down all my ideas (earlier when we went to some garage sales) I still don't think she's fully grasped that this is bothering me. Yet if I even try to come clean I know there's a good chance she'll call me and I'll start tearing up and I honestly don't want that. What do I do? It's not like I can just make her get rid of the stuff so I can buy it, it's already there and purchased! But to me it feels like I'm just using her stuff and her parents' money. They're going to think I'm a cheapskate for not helping out.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 I understand where you are coming from, if you have had no involvement it wont feel like its your home, but hers.
BUT there is a positive, when the lease is up, you can move out and find somewhere that YOU can decorate just the way you want, and you only have to pack up your own bedroom, all that other stuff is hers!
You can pack your stuff into a few handy cartons, get your dad or brother to help you knock down the bed for moving, and wayahey off you go, while she is going to need to pack up all those dishes and toasters and other fiddly bits that she chose all on her own.
You can save the money you had intended spending for when you move out, while she is going to have to save to move out.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 June 2014):
 She sounds perfect to me! I would have killed for a roommate like that in college! Lol.
If you're upset about the money, as was mentioned, give her some money when you move in or see her next. That way, you don't feel as though you took advantage of her. I also think it's possible you don't like that she's making all the decisions about the decorations and you feel as though she's belittling your ideas. Thing is, it's most likely not that she's ignoring your ideas and potential contributions. It's that she's got to live in this place for two months until you arrive. That is her home. So she probably doesn't want to have to wait til you arrive to finish furnishing it. She probably wants to have it all finished so she doesn't have to live in a half-decorated apartment for two months. I don't blame her. I would probably do the same if I were her. I like to have my space setup and comfortable. I don't like empty or unfurnished dwellings. Just doesn't feel like home to me. I think she probably feels this way, too, if I had to guess.
If I were you, I would try not to get too upset about it. You can attempt to communicate this to her - however, you should try to do it over the phone rather than a text conversation. Text messaging is not a good form of communication for somewhat important matters.
Will you be really upset if you only have your bedroom to set up? At least you'll still have that :)
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (11 June 2014):
I understand completely. It is your first home and you have as strong an interest in it as she does. Part of the excitement is in creating the home space and doing it as a team. SHe has hijacked the whole excitement. It may feel more like her place than yours?
Thank her for her efforts but say how disappointed you were that she did everything as buying things was something that you had hugely looked forward to. This is part of the adventure and you are upset to have missed out.
Then set about making your room the best in the place and be proud of your new home.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 I too do not quite understand why you are so upset, she sounds like the perfect roommate to me :)- she is saving you a lot of time , hassles and money ! all you've got to do is ...moving in in a fully furnished house where everything has been taken care of, is that a bad thing ??!
If you feel guilty because she bought everything on her own, from what you say she is happy to do it and she can afford it, and if you want to contribute all you've got to do would be... giving her whatever money you can to help her defray the costs.
If that's about because this way the place will only , or mostly, reflect her tastes and personality and you wanted it to have more of your imprint too, yes, I get that, but... it is what it is, you can't move in and can't do anything about decorating the place until August, she started in May or so ,I guess, and , what was she supposed to do ? To live in an unfurnished house, sit on the floor, watch TV in a sports bar and eat out of paper plates until you were good and ready ?... It's not your fault, it's not her fault, it's just situational, the way things turned out and the way it is most practical to operate in the current circumstances. You still have your own room to personalize as you like, and anyway, that's a student , temporary accomodation place, shared with another person, it's not your final " real " house that HAS to reflect your personality and talk about you, so to speak. I do not doubt that for you it would have been fun going shopping with your friend and partecipate in choosing stuff, but, can you do it, in practice ? apparently not, you went to rummage sales and no chairs, you went with your mom and still no chairs... at some point one has to decide : enough with dillydalling, NOW is the moment things get done.
I can also understand that you'd like to have veto power on items , in case your friend gets enamoured with an orange - striped emerald green sofa or something, but, that is a delicate matter, since you do not PAY for most of the staff, do you really have the right to apply your vetoes, or should you just try to be a good sport and go with the flow ?..
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 June 2014):
 It sounds to me like she has particularized taste and wants to see things done her way..Consider (or explain to us) more why you're upset: are you feeling guilty, left out, or what?
because, if it's guilty, that she's taking on this work you should NOT feel that way. you're trying to be a teamplayer. plus she has asked for nothing in return in trying to get this set up for the two of you so I'm NOT saying take advantage of her forwardthinkingness but let it happen. she seems happy and overwilling to do it. as long as you pay her back a little, just let the rest happen. it'd be easier than you two butting heads thinking you had something to 'contribute' and then finding out she had already thought of it. just let her think of it and take care of it.
If you're feeling left out and want the place to feel like both of yours, think about it from her view: your friend is arriving first and doesn't want to be in an unfurnished communal space. she wants to make the apartment feel like home while living alone there. Moving into a new place is a lot of work, and people handle it differently; some people bite off a little at a time, some wait for a good piece or a good price to come their way, and some (this sounds like her) are so excited about getting settled and starting a new chapter in their lives that they just get everything done at once.
Still, this can be addressed by visiting the place (IF you are in the area)--even if you can't move in yet, seeing it may help. try to contribute your voice. And if she shoots you down again just be reasonable like, listen girl, we have the TV stand where you want it, can I decide the kitchen table looks best on this wall? or, hey can we compromise on X if I'm cool with Y?
Also, keep in mind that the space may not FEEL like yours at first, but we are creatures of habit. You will adapt to the new surroundings, whether you made the purchase decisions or not.
This isn't to say you can't talk to her. Don't have to make it melodramatic by saying it's a confrontation just say listen i feel a little left out and I know you're into taking the reins right now, and I appreciate you getting us nearly all the way set up, but it's important to me that I feel like I'm part of this apartment, that it reflects the both of us, etc etc.
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