A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My daughter is 25, has a child 4 years old. She met a new boyfriend 2 month ago. She always lived with us until she met this person, my concern is that it is not stable for her child to live 3 days at our house and the rest of the week at his house, she sleeps in a mattress with her child. When she works she comes here the rest of the days she stays there. Is this a bad idea.? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for answering my question,I feel a big weight came out of my shoulders.I come from the old thinking that you get married and have children,but things happened along the way.And i will always support her no matter what.I hope this works out for them.Thanks again.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Nope, children are flexible. Two months is a bit early for the child to be sleeping at the boyfriends house, but that's what has happened, it's done already and probably shouldn't be changed. Children easily attach to people they like and become upset when the person goes out of their life.Your daughter at 25 must fall in love and be able to move away from the family home. Since the child is already used to sleeping at the boyfriends house then it has probably developed a routine and feels comfortable about it.At four, children are very truthful. If the child doesn't like the boyfriend or doesn't like where it sleeps, it will tell you or be reluctant to leave you.Check your own motivations... Adults can become uncomfortable when their children (and grandchildren) look like they may leave home.
...............................
A
female
reader, wornoutmommy  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Hey, I understand your concern :) If the grandchild has been living with you these four years, then he/she is probably more like your own child than a grandbaby.
My questions are:
1. Are there any drugs/alcohol abuse within the new home?
2. Is there any emotional/physical abuse from the daughter or boyfriend within the new home?
3. Is this the first time your daughter has moved out?
4. Do you have any other children, older or younger?
I had a child at 17, and being a young parent is not easy- for the mommy or the grandparents and I thank you for letting your daughter remain within your family. That may be taken for granted sometimes- but many parents still disown their daughters. I stayed at my parent's house until I could move out on my own, and when I could- I ran. No offense but your daughter is 25 and she probably wants to have her own 'nuclear family' that she tends to without mommy bird there. Yes, grandma you are still very needed :)
I have lived with two different men after divorcing my daughter's father, and in between I had lived in a one-bedroom basement (not the best!) but home is what you make it. Yes, my daughter slept with me- and she still does on special occasions. It's our bonding/cuddle time and I believe that it is wonderful for both mom/child. No I don't encourage constant sleeping together, but my daughter was about 4 when I had this living arraignment and nothing is wrong with her today!
It sounds like you have offered to be a babysitter for when mommy is working? I thank you for that :) trying to find a reliable and healthy daycare atmosphere is ridiculous! I would suggest cherishing the three days you have though, because as your daughter gets more on her feet financially, that time may wane.
As for the split arrangement, there may be a mild psychological upset initially- but it's not a life changing event. It's a move. My daughter now splits her time between me and her dad (with me week 1, with him week 2). Yes, it does have it's frustrations, but the biggest help is open communication and pure concern for the wellbeing of the child. Don't accuse or assume, point fingers etc. Also, don't ask the child questions about his 'home' life- this makes the child feel like the 'go-between' and unsure of who to trust. Ask your daughter if you have questions, and if you have doubts about the boyfriend then invite the three of them over for dinner and games- honestly try to meet and know this man. He is dating your daughter and your willingness to know him or attempt to like him will help your bond with your daughter while she's moving away.
I hope this helps :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 January 2011):
Hi there. As long as her new boyfriend is not mistreating her or her child, there should be no problem.
If he treats her and her child well and with respect and consideration, and she does seem genuinely happy, well then it would seem fairly positive all round.
Unfortunately, you can't really influence her much as she is over 21 years old.
The best thing you can do is to show her you care, without being overbearing at all - as best you can.
You could point out any concerns you may have and tell her why you have those doubts and at least then she has an understanding of why you feel that way. She can then take that onboard and think about it in her daily life.
If she is a mature type of person, she will probably be a pretty good judge of character and be able to look out for any negative traits he might have, and be able to know what to look out for, in future.
All you can do, is have faith that she is a good judge of character and will consequently make the right decisions, should it be necessary.
...............................
|
