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female
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*heskycastle
writes: I was raised in a very traditional chinese family. My parents are not like my friends. I always had to respect their advice and input with anything I do. By respect, I really mean forced to do they want. I want to remain in good terms with my parents, but I know telling my parents about my boyfriend will turn into an ear-full of "you should stop dating him right now". First of all, my boyfriend is white (British) and I am chinese. After one year of dating and my boyfriend comes over and behaves like a good boy with good etiquettes, my parents finally accepted our inter-racial relationship. What my parents don't know is the following. (It might be hard to accept even you're not Chinese) My boyfriend was divorced a years before we met, and has a 6 years old daughter. He's only 25 years old right now. He was divorced because his ex-wife ran off with another guy. According to my bf, his ex started going to the bar and realized what a world it is out there (drinking and partying). My bf on the other side is on the conservative side and doesn't like the drinking and drug issue. I love my boyfriend very much and we are already talking about our future living together. Of course my parents wanted me to keep dating for another few years before getting married (that, I really doubt I can wait that long). My boyfriend wants to have a good relationship with my parents. The last thing he wants to do is to make me suffer from all these things my parents are going to say to upset me. He is willing to tell my parents himself and faces any questioning or comments by my parents. He is such a caring guy who is willing to take responsibilities all the time. What else can I ask for a boyfriend. Now, if you were me, how should I break this news to my parents? And what should I expect my parents to say and do?I am very nervous about this... but I know I really have to do it soon
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (5 September 2006):
 "Do you think I'm being naive about how much responsibility I will have later one?"
You are not being naive, but I would say that you are unaware. The relationship you currently have with your boy's daughter is like the aunt who gets to have all the fun, do the spoiling, but not have any responsibility when the tough choices need to be made. And there's nothing wrong with enjoying it!
But when you are the responsible parent it is VERY different. It's not always fun, but it is always a duty that you must attend to regardless of how you feel. It is the burden you chose.
Once again I will put myself in the role of your parents. Make the effort to see the world from our perspective. Relationships are not all about the good times. They are defined by what happens during the tough times. Whatever you think you have endured as "tough times" during your relationship with your boy will be nothing compared to what you face when you decide to live together or get married.
Your boy has a past that he may be unwilling to completely break free from, and one day this will clash with the future you will want to build exclusively with him. It is inevitable, and you may find yourself forcing him into a choice.
Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, theskycastle +, writes (5 September 2006):
theskycastle is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for everyone's advice. I know staying with my boyfriend takes patiences and lots of understanding. Telling my parents about it will be as hard as anything I can imagine. But I know I've got to do it sometimes.
Just to clearify a few things, my boyfriend's daughter lives with her own mom and sometimes stays with my boyfriend's mother. My boyfriend will see her about once a week, taking her out for a day. I get along with his daughter really well. This girl is very smart and is a very polite kid. She respects who I am and is very glad her daddy found me to accompanying him. I'm not trying to be anyone's mother. I'm just her daddy's girlfriend. She understands what's going on as her own mom lives with this guy who she ran off with and is currently pregnet. I feel lucky that she (kid) likes me. She will cuddle me, say she loves me, and willing to talk to me about school, etc. Do you think I'm being naive about how much responsibility I will have later one? Right now, I just see her about twice a week (weekends) along with my boyfriend, and I don't see any challenges if this relationship stays this way.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (2 September 2006):
Unlike Juliette I am not here to validate your arguments.
You asked what your parents would say, and I have provided a pretty good scenario. Granted I am detached from your situation so I can be more objective. I think your parents will be more emotional.
If you choose to stay with your boy, you will become a mother figure to his child. Are you prepared to become a mother right here, right now? I am sure this child already suffers from abandonment issues, and she misses her biological mother dearly. Children also tend not to take kindly to those who wish to replace a parent, no matter how loving and doting that person may be. How does this child respond to you? What do you think her response will be when you move in?
Once again, I ask you - are you ready to be a mother to a child who is not your flesh and blood?
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A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (2 September 2006):
 I disagree with Wild Thaing. Only you can know how you feel about this man of age 25 and 'living' is down to interpretation. That can be living with a well matched partner OR being single, whatever it is, YOU have to decide.
Baggage is a GOOD thing as it is life experience that we learn from. I recently spoke with my ex of 30 years ago and we agreed we would not be the people we are now had we not gone through the pain of loving and losing. Now we value even more how important it is to have respect and love. You are very lucky is this comes and sticks first time around and is nothing to do with age. My mother was married from 16 to 83 when my father died (9yrs older) at 92. My ex IS kind, trustworthy, sensitive, respectful and through no fault but misfortune is with his 4th wife and is the proud father of 2 children. He stays because he has learned through previous mistakes. Those who have not come across such misfortune can make it seem easy and sit in judgement of others who are deemed to have less value on marriage. This man of yours had no choice, his wife left him possibly because his values are more Chinese orientated. You have already said he doesn't like drinking, like to take responsibility, is caring, and is willing to stick his neck out on your behalf to try to tell your parents how he cares for you. I also disagree about taking the child to meet your parents. I would see that that as emotional blackmail, maybe confontational and putting a child unnecessarily in the firing line. NO, the child should come later at your parents request, once they have accepted the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (2 September 2006):
"And what should I expect my parents to say and do?"
Honey, if you were my daughter, this is what I would ask:
1) What is the rush? You haven't lived yet!
2) Why are you choosing a man that carries an incredible amount of baggage?
3) If he has failed once in marriage, what makes you believe he will succeed with you? Has he learned about the failings within him that contributed to the failure of his marriage?
You are clearly too young to understand WHY your parents are acting as they do. It has nothing to do with being Chinese or traditional - you are using these justifications as mere excuses to avoid understanding the valid arguments that they may be making.
If your boy is 25 now, that means he had a child when he was 19. He hasn't lived either! He has been deprived of the single free life since he became an adult. One day he will realize that he missed out and will act out upon this gap in his life. My mother did it and my brother suffered because of it.
You are choosing a life that will end in heartache and suffering. Your parents will freak out when they discover the baggage you and your boy have been hiding.
You will not acknowledge this right now, but your judgement is being clouded by the rebellion you are waging against your parents.
This is the time in your life when you should be building your self-esteem and standing on your own two feet. Instead you are choosing to tie yourself to an anchor and throwing it into the ocean. If you are willing to settle for damaged goods when you don't have to then you probably have self-esteem issues.
If you can see that there are other possible paths you can choose, you might see that this one is not the best. If you can't see those other paths, then get ready for heartache and suffering.
Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, Green Eyed Gabriel +, writes (2 September 2006):
 Ok i would recommend taking the little girl with you when you tell your parents. Your boyfriend will feel comforted by the fact she's there and if your parents see how weell you and she get along they may have less of a problem.
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