A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO....I'M BEING PLAYED FOR A FOOL. THIS IS A LONG STORY - WARNING - PLEASE READ IF YOU CAN forgive me for rambling before I start, I am at a loss what to do with this and I really need your adviceTo cut a long story short there's a guy I'm working with that i used friends with a few years ago and he has been trying it on with me for months and before xmas we started this kissing thing where he kisses me and asks me out and is all touchy feely and bombads me with texts of what he wants to do to me etc etc BUT when it comes to seeing each other outside of work it always goes wrong. Mostly he cancels at the last minute and doesnt seem like he wants to spend anytime with me outside the office!!! Oh and by the way hes been married twice and has 2 kids... I tried to ask him what he wanted did he just want a shagging thing when he was around (i havnt slept with him as i dont really trust him )to which we aruged a bit about it and he completely shut down and told me he just wanted to be friends thathe cant offer anything else as his kids only matter but after a few weeks even though he had left for a bit it started up again. Texts saying he couldnt wait to come back and see me and take me out!!!so i gave him the benfit of the doubt and 3 months later of him being away its been the crappest 2 weeks.. hes been all full on again touchy feely wanting to take me out and ive been a bit if a bitch as i want to be swept off my feet; romance you know but hes not like that. so anyway last week it was all fine he sent me texts saying he wanted me curled up next to him and on monday this week it all went wrong, after we arranged to go out on thursday he started being a bit ofish with me and left without saying bye in abit of a mood when i rang him to say bye he was really rude to me loads of pauses didnt ask any of my questions and just was a wanker so i just went ok then bye and hung up on him in a nice way. WELL this started it he sent me a text asking if id just hung upon him and when i said no you were rude you hung up on me he didnt reply, the next day we made it right and i told him he had been rude to me but he hated it... After that it was just a mess uncomfortable conversations of forced words, lots of fakeness trying to be nice as were at work and when it got to wednesday i said to him in a nice way dont stand me up tomorrow i have a feeling you will - again this went down terribly. thursday night came one of the worse nights i have ever spent with a guy, half the time we walked apart we went to dinner he asked me about me for most of it and we talked about work for the other but the worst thing about it that there was NO AFFECTION, NO LOOKS, NOTHING - he was cold cold towards me - this is the guy thats been chasing me for months who couldnt keep his hands of last week and now this, i kept telling him how cold i was (NO OFFER OF A HUG OR JACKET) we went to the pictures and i tried to snuggle next to him about 5 times and he wasnt having any of it. I have never felt so REJECTED he made me feel like crap so i just sat turned away from him and he sat turned away from me - JUST AWFUL and when we got out we didnt really talk much and he walked me to the car and there was an awkward kissing moment so i made damn sure i only kissed him on the cheek and i drove off - wasnt rude thanked him and said bye! but he has just spent the entire day at work ignoring me looking down and not saying a word in fact he was so vile i wanted to scream at him - a 40 year old man behaving like this - ive obviously pissed him off and now ive got to face him at work everyday and i dont know what to do we didnt have an argument and i have no clue why i have been treated this way last night or today WHAT SHALL I DO IM SO UPSET AS I WAS STARTING TO REALLY THINK HE CARED ABOUT ME THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR MONTHS...MANY MANY MANY THANKS FOR READING ALL THIS
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (23 March 2009):
 Well you said you can feel the chemistry between you and what he said was he wasn't interested in a serious relationship! Right?
~Eve~
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello, eve can i just ask why do you think he likes me if has as said hes not interested - am i just not setting myself for a fall here? anyway promise not to go on anymore about it
thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand why do you think he still likes me if he isnt with me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhmmm im not sure, i dont know he sounds like a mixture, ill just see how it goes - no contact unless i have to for work and time i guess...hope he misses me and hope he doesnt meet someone else thanks for your help x
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (20 March 2009):
If you're both fire signs (Leo/Aries) then you both have a lot going for you. However if he's a Taurus you have an uphill slog ahead of you! lol. Leo wants to be first, King (or in your case) Queen of the jungle, you want to be noticed and listened to etc so that kind of fits your personality. I still say you need to hold back a little though and let him call more of the shots.
Your reply to the email was fine, nothing wrong with the quick, friendly reply. Ball's in his court now though so no more texting or writing emails to him.
~Eve~
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Hey there, I feel your pain. But here is some real talk because I have been and kinda of going through the same thing. I am 40 years old myself. The more and more I read this questions the more and more I know that I am not crazy with the feelings I have been having. But with all that said. We women tolerate so much, we want to be loved, we are worth so much more then we tolerate. I wear my heart on my sleeves. And, I was talking to my best friend and she know that about me as well. But, you know what I said. I do wear my heart on my sleeves but good thing I change blouses. We have to, we must not wallow in this place that men can put us in. We blame ourselves and we try to figure out what is going on. Most times we can't. We must do the what seems the hardest thing to do, which is move on. I realize if I look at my relationship situation and try to find tools to help me. It makes it alot easier. I have been rejected many times. I am very attracted a good honest person, someone that you think men would appreciate. But I go through and so many women go through the BS. It comes with the territory. But I have decided to be relistic move on stop answering text messages or even phone calls that lead to a road of no where. Its a pattern for us to keep clinging just as much as its a pattern for men to keep coming back to that one, they know they can run too, when someone else has hurt them. Pull yourself together you will be fine. in conclusion you know exactly what to do, its just a matter of you taking a stand for yourself and doing it. SO DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO. YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, IT JUST MIGHT HURT IN THE PROCESS. But this hurt will pass.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand damn it, I replied to his email - didn't want to start playing games again and as I knew he knew I would be at my desk, I just said I'm good, and mentioned the weather, see you soon only a few words BUT THAT WAS IT just enough for him to know we are friends and it's cool.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eve, I'm a Leo and he's an Aries I think I'm not sure but I think it's Aries if not Aries then it's Taurus ??? I don't really believe in star signs but I believe in you so what do you think?
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (20 March 2009):
Hey I told you all along, contrary to what others think/say... he DOES like you! I can spot the signs a mile off. Go easy on the emailing, might be a good idea NOT to reply to his compliment. Remember... play hard to get (guys like the chase) so let him! Talking of signs, you still haven't told me his and your sun sign.~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry i just realised that doesnt make sense i meant i had to mail him and a few others about a future meeting and he replied from his home email to say - thankyou lovely followed by xxxx(my name) and asked if i was ok ? so he is still calling me lovely (ie he thinks im lovely)
eve - ???? x
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): I think it is a positive sign he wants to be friends and he is being nice...he knows you want his attention, you've told him as much.
I think you would be better off dating some other people to take your intense infatuation off this guy and possibly you may find someone who is actually ready for a relationship and won't have the power to cause you to loose your job. You aren't using your brain....look at the reality of your situation......he likes you so what....you aren't going to end up happy in this situation except for perhaps a short while.....if that is worth losing your job and perhaps your reputation over it and risking having your heart broken, then go for it. It's your life after all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so very much to your answers to which im going ot print and read again and again..as it is all such wonderful advice so thank you
although i have eve saying there is something & star saying he isnt interetsd??? i dont know either so time will see i guess
another thing i had to mail him and a few other people at work together about a future something and he replied back to say thanks called me lovely and said hope your ok
i think thats positive dont you -
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (20 March 2009):
1. It's the vibes he's sending out, what he's saying and what he's not saying, the way he acted on your date compared to the way he was before. Lots of things, I explain it more in some of my posts. Trust me, I've been doing this job for over 25 years and I know the signs! He HAS had problems with relationships in the past that have scarred him (and that's scarred not scared) and because of this, it might be the case that he might never be able to have a content and fulfilling relationship again. It will take one very special person with a lot of time and patience to prove to him he's not the hopeless, uncaring bad boy he thinks he is.2. I think you would like a full blown thing... with time! What woman doesn't want to be in a happy relationship with a man who loves her to bits? You're only protecting your feelings by saying that.3. If you start to text him, be it one or 10 texts, it will only come across to him as pressure and you seeming desperate, that is why you should leave it. It also gives him time to get his head straight and time to miss you (if his feelings are genuine.)4. You act the way you would act around your other colleagues, friendly and professional. Look good and be assertive and above all DON'T bring up the past or he'll avoid you.5. He's not ready for a serious relationship because of something from the past. His guard is up and he doesn't want to be hurt again so he's putting on a front and telling you fling only, with no strings... strings mean complications and the possibility of him being hurt again.6. How do you know his feelings are gone? Does the chemistry when you're together reflect that?7. It's a front and possibly a test to see if you do. If you do then he'll think you weren't that keen on him anyway. He also doesn't think much of himself as far as relationships go and thinks you'd be better off with someone else.8. Time, compatibility, familiarity... and trust9. I can't comment on his past relationships, they've went wrong for whatever reason, probably another reason he doesn't want anything serious.10. Too much hassle, lost cause, what's the point, he's down on himself to start with, possibly also in case it blows into a full scale argument.11. Now if I were a truly gifted psychic I could answer that question but I'm not!12. The chemistry is there between you both, you've said that yourself. Don't dress up to impress him, just be yourself. If he still has feelings for you then you dressing up more won't make any difference.All in all you need to step back a bit and give him space. When he comes back don't make a bee line for him, (see if he comes to you), just continue to work hard and be your normal self.~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): I still dont get it.
My view is he isn't interested - you trying to understand won't change it.
You think there is a spark, but yet you don't want a full blown thing - so what do you want?
Anyway your questions:
2) because he has something else to do or want. Not you. Only he can answer this.
3) it has to end on something - what is your alternative chasing after him? Yes leave till he returns. That way it give you time to settle down.
4) see earlier cow \ bitch answer. We were right before.
5) Because that way he can hide is emotions, because he is male, because he likes no commitment. who knows...
6) Only he can answer this
7) no he wouldnt be jealous. He isn't interested...
8) Generally love, time, money or a shotgun. In my case Ice cream works.
9) the past means nothing to how he will behave. But we cant help but judge him on it. If you think about if you dont then everyone who is divorced would never be able to marry again and redemption and forgiveness would not exist.
10) Yes it does just that - he isn't bothered.
11) Well if you give it time he might change his mind.
12) He will like that and so will you. Yes will just bury it (because he can) or apologise. Only time will tell.
Hope that helps,
Star
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear all,
I am forever grateful especially to eve for all your words and everything - i know you thing im crazy etc etc but you just must have different outlooks to me and as im so vulnerable at the moment i do KNOW that i have let this guy get into my head - BUT when your gone with someone thats it and i just need some time and clarity to know what to do the next time i see him - its not about sex - that aint going to happen - its really not not now anyway!!!
so if you can for the last time help me with a few things i promise to not bother you again for a few weeks anyway
1) Eve - why are you so intent on him being hurt in the past??- i dont really see why as you just dont get that from him ( and he doesnt wear a suit we wera normal clothes at our place)
2) i DO not want a full blown thing and thats the last thing i told him beacse i didnt want him to think i wanted this full on love affair - that all comes with time and i know that - but he doesnt want to try - why is this??
3) are you sure saying the above was ok to leave it on - no text nothing - just leave it until hes back? AND WHY?
4) PLEASE how do i act when hes back - without coming across desperate as you say - the thing is here when i speak to him - its like theres this big sexual tension between us so it always ends up with gestures and me smiling / grinning at him - i can tone that down - BUT How do i act? especially as i want him to come and talk to me as a freind see me for this and not be able to stay away??
5) why does he not want anything but a fling?
6)where had his feelings gone towards me?
7)why would he want me to go find someone else wouldnt he be jealous?
8)what makes a guy go from fling to wanting a relationship?
9) do his past relationships say anything about him at all? 2 divorces i mean thats the guy isnt it not the women
10)why was he just going to eave it and not mention anything - this proves he isnt bothered ABOUT ME ?
11) what will change in time as you say with him??
12) what if i do make an effort to dress up a bit and be charming will he thing ive missed out then?? if he says he attracted to me how will he be able to just bury it...
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (19 March 2009):
I totally agree with you there Karen, it WILL be a lot of hard work, maybe years of hard work and it still might not work out. I agree too that she should be his friend and nothing more and continue to live her life and socialise too.
If he really doesn't want to take things further then she'll notice by him ignoring her at work as if she's not there, she'll get the vibes I'm sure and if she's constantly ignored then I'm sure even SHE will know when to give up.
~Eve~
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reader, AskEve +, writes (19 March 2009):
It's not a matter of "saving him" at all! How many times have you said something to someone you like to save face, when all the time you mean something else? Come on, we've all done it before and guys are no different. It's not just looking at what he's saying, it's far more complex than that, it's looking at what he's NOT saying and the way he's reacting around her that's important.
She might get hurt, she might not but I think if a person thinks something is worth fighting for (she can feel the chemistry between them, she's KNOWS there's more to him than he's letting on) then fight... maybe eventually his true colours will come to light, be that good or bad but she will find with time and she has plenty of that...
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Ok, Eve.....I agree with you he is insecure, and he likes her and he probably is testing her....but I would not be so sure about the part that he is looking for her to prove him wrong....I think he really is not wanting to take things further....he has said as much.
I agree she needs to just be his friend, but I was trying to point out to her that it is only going to work if she takes her focus off of him and starts living her life and dating other guys. In fact dating other guys might get his attention as long as she doesn't rub it in his face or stop being his friend. And the added bonus, she just may meet the love of her life outside of her work!
The caveat to all this is that he is a very insecure man, and he is focused entirely on his kids and that is always going to be what and who he puts first.
I am in an off again on again relationship with a very similar man and I can tell you that you are in for an exhausting, pain-filled and joy filled road, and that unless you are willing to put some Years in, you aren't going to get a happy ever after relationship with this guy.
He being insecure is going to have a very difficult time dealing with your relationship issues that will come up as the relationship gets more serious and unless you are a very savy experienced at relationship professional almost, it will be very very difficult to work those issues out to emotional closure and you will be feeling emotionally disconnected and lonely during those times.
No one said relationships aren't hard work, but I really don't think this guy is a good bet for you, not now and probably not for a long time....
I really don't want to encourage it at all, I see a train wreck coming, especially because your career is in the same place where he is.....especially dumb!
Sorry, that is what I know.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (19 March 2009):
Hi, sorry for the delay in replying. Every time I tried to catch up, more posts appeared, that and doing a million things besides…. Anyway, here is my take on it from what I’ve heard.I can see where Star and Rhythmandblues is coming from but I’m afraid I don’t totally agree with you both I’m afraid. This guy has issues, which I’ll go into in a minute. Everyone has good and bad in them (even me!!!! lmao – did I really say that?) and this guy is no different. First off… in the office he’s in control, he wears a suit (I’d imagine) and he’s higher up the corporate ladder than you are so all of these things will give him control. Outside the office it’s a very different matter, he’s a different person… vulnerable even, hence the reason he’s cancelled before… FEAR!He’s not a total jerk as he’s taking his responsibilities seriously where his kids are concerned. A lot of guys couldn’t care less so you’ve got to give him credit for that.I still think this guy has issues. I think he’s been deeply hurt in the past to the point where he’s told himself he will NEVER open himself up to be hurt like that again so from now on he’ll simply use and abuse women and have sex with them without ever wanting to be committed again. Thing is, I think he genuinely does like you and all that shit he’s spewing at you about he’ll hurt you, you need to get yourself someone “good” to go out with, he isn’t very “nice” when in relationships etc is to put you off him, he’s just trying to convince himself that he’s not worth the bother. In other words, he might seem in control at work but deep inside, there’s a very hurt, vulnerable and insecure man lurking who needs a very special person. I also feel he’s testing you. He’s telling you to find someone else but secretly hoping you won’t. He’s very much a man’s man (he’s either a Scorpio or a Capricorn) do you know his sign? And what is your starsign?How do you handle him? YOU need to be very disciplined here. You NEED to be consistent and be his friend and nothing more. Let him see you’re not after a quick fling, let him see you have principles. Let HIM make the moves. All you have to do is be friendly and hold your moral ground. Don’t text him while he’s away (and don’t think for a minute he won’t be thinking about you because I think he will), he’s just terrified of commitment and only TIME will heal that. You need to let him see you’re not like all the others, that you CAN be a friend without the benefits, that you’re there to talk to him if he wants to open up (and he will if he sees you’re genuine.)Don’t worry about what you said to him about your past, he’s probably more focussed on how HE feels right now. Believe me, I think he will be so full of conflicted emotions, he left at exactly the right time! PATIENCE poster… (winks)~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): You know sweetheart, I really hope you will take your focus off of him and start putting your focus on YOU and there are a number of reasons this will work to your advantage.
First, what is it that YOU really want for your life. You are young, but you are nearing 30, do you want children, do you have children? Have you thought of what your life would be like to be a step mother to two kids with an ex wife/mom that he doesn't get along with? You have no idea, I have been there, and I can tell you if I could choose to be involved with a guy with children, it would be very important that he had a working relationship with the kid's mom, otherwise he is always going to be unhappy and fighting with her....and you get to be the villain too, she won't like you either.
If you would like to marry and have kids, you are wasting your time with this two time loser who doesn't want to be in a relationship.
You liking him is besides the point. I used to believe in the power of attraction and romance could win me any man I desired. Problem is nothing could be further from the truth, I am living proof to tell you. I am 52, never married, no children, career oriented and have had long term and short term relationships with men. Men know what they want, they really do....you need to listen to him. It is NOT about you, it is HIM and YOU are not going to WIN him unless he wants to be WON and he has told you time and again that he is not interested....you have to listen to him and accept that or be sorely disappointed.
If you want to have sex with him go for it, he told you he would oblige you. I highly recommend that you don't. He will lose all respect for you. You are already so infatuated with him and you are hanging your self esteem on him and want to get your validation from him, so if you sleep with him all this will be intesified and he is not going to give you the relationship you want because of sex. Men do not fall in love because you give them sex.
You are acting like a desperate woman. You told him you would give him sex in so many words without strings...he isn't stupid, any man who thinks you have a heartbeat and are half way attractive would take you up on that offer, but you will seem desperate, clingy and needy.
That is the other reason you take your focus off of him and stop trying so hard or doing anything for that matter. You start putting all of your energy into You and your life and dating other men and forgetting about what he is thinking or what he is doing. If at some point, some year some month he wants a relationship with you, he will offer that to you...but he isn't likely to do that, he is offering you a quick fling.
Do you care about you, your career, your job. Why would you get involved with a superior? He can have you fired if he feels that you become a threat....a clingy, desperate woman is a threat to a guy like him.
No one is going to get you off this man, you are insanely desperate to get him at all costs.
Let me ask you a hard question? Have you dealt fully with your ex dumping you for another gal wasn't it? He was rather cruel to you? That would be a blow to any girl's heart, her self esteem. Are you sure you aren't trying to prove to yourself that you have some control over men by offering him a fling, sex with you, thinking that you will be in control and get the man you want?
It is an illusion, you don't have control over any man. We all want the illusion of control but we just don't have it. Don't look for getting him to patch this hole in your soul, you will end up further damaged in my opinion.
You won't listen to me.....so go ahead and learn this lesson on your own. Call him, propose sex and get on with it....
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWHERE - AND WHY THOUGH its me then i still dont get whats changed?
he hasnt gone and he would have a fling with me, but he doesnt want to be with me??? and im sorry there is stil something between us i know it.
i just need to know how and what to do to get through when hes back
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): he has gone - regardless of your thoughts and desires - he isnt interested... he wanted you for sex as you were someone he was close to. But he has gone. even if he is there in front of you - the person you wanted has gone...
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand all i want to know is eves thoughts on giving him time and if i do this what makes her think something may happen.....EVE WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut he hasnt gone, he is stil in my life....he has known me for years, we work together and we have had this chat now - he will be back in a few weeks and SOMEHOW and god only knows how IVE GOT TO GET THROUGH IT, work with him and remain my lovely charming self - all the while screaming on the inside i like you and you chased me for months and wondering if he is stil thinking about me or attracted to me AND BASICALLY IF I DONT GET IT CLEAR IN MY HEAD FROM MY OWN THOUGHTS AND YOUR ADVICE - i am gong to wind myself up and end up cracking up....because i do like him and more to the point hes dangled the carrot chased and chased even up until that cinema night and then took it all away and cut me off - surely you can see that..and must see how i feel a little
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): but he has gone... so irrelevant if you like him or not. he has gone, move on....
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut i like him.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): no its not salvageable. You are fine, its him...
see first answer on this and read up... it will sound familiar.
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso lets remember hes been married TWICE and has 2 kids he doesnt get on with their mother but he seems them as often as he can...
he says he wants to see them grow up etc etc - i also said you cant be single forever and he said i know that....
can i do anything about him, what should my step be when i see him, i know i will be flirty with him its just the way he looks at me - i just go a bit funny....but he may turn off even more
basically what the hell do i do - is this salvagable at all -
eve - do you really think he will see things differently in time, ??? how come, i dont want to hold out for that in case it doesnt happen but i really hope it does
what do i do now???
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Agree he isn't hung up on you - another good reason to move on...
i think you behaved well when you met and that counts for loads. You might not have him- but i think you are better person for what you have learnt on the way.
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): My God you are Hard Headed, you have a one track mind.
I don't usually recommend this book, but for you I am thinking you Desperately Need to Read It
http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-
Understanding/dp/068987474X
He's Just Not That Into You, A Guide To Understanding Men
And here is another Book "He Just Thinks He is NOt That Into You, The Insanely Determined Girls Guide to Getting The Man She Wants"
Are you not one to take "I don't want to date you" for an answer? Do you consider the day the court ordered you to keep your distance merely the day your relationship entered a new phase? Then you've already figured out that despite what other books may try to tell you: He Just Thinks He's Not That Into You. This book is built on one solid principle: men don't know what they want, so it's up to you, the strong, loving, forceful women of the world, to show them.
Written as a series of letters to an insanely-determined advice columnist, this book is full of savagely funny answers, plus useful tips and success stories on stalking and holding onto the one you love-with handcuffs if necessary. Pie charts, bullet points, and wacky illustrations complete the satire. Has the bag boy at the supermarket been telling you to "have a nice day"? Danielle says "he means `with me'! Grab that in-store special and take him home. Soon the grocery aisle won't be the only aisle you'll be walking down!" Women of any relationship status will be utterly entertained.
Biography
Danielle Whitman is the pseudonym of two TV and film writers. Whitman previously wrote the ultimate apartment revenge book, Dear Neighbor
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want him but not just for sex, I would like him to realise that he could have tried it with me and we could have been in bed ages ago instead of just dismissing it as he things I want the full blown thing - this is why im worried its me putting him off I want him to miss me, realise this and when he sees me just be like we were and see what happens but there is no way he is going to do that now -1) He hasn't called or texted me in over 2 weeks since the cinema night - but we are talking now at least2) He has seen me at work since and it was me being the one to sort it he wouldhave just carried on with the bad atmosphere So he isn't bothered is he, how will he miss me - he's over me!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): i think you are a normal person, who had been hurt and trying to answer it all. Your head is very active in trying to understand.
However, i think he wanted you for sex, with limited commitment.
now to fix - WHAT Do you want now - him? or not him?
i think you will be better off without him and find someone who can reciprocate your affection.
Hugs Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEve please can you help me if you haven't given up on me for good, I am really very grateful for your help and advice, you are far better than anyone I know... so thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh godness im so confused - ok he doesnt want me !!! this i get - why i have no idea?
- but what about him -
why does he not want anything but a fling?
where had his feelings gone towards me?
why would he want me to go find someone else wouldnt he be jealous?
what makes a guy go from fling to wanting a relationship?
and the BIG ONE WHAT DO I DO NOW - not even a casual text to say ive had a think lets just be friends and if you change your mind you better call me ha ha at least he knows then...or just leave it
YES IM OBSESSED I JUST NEED TO BE CLEAR...beacuse of seeing himm each day
I WANT HIM TO WANT ME, REGRET NOT GIVING US A TRY - IS THIS POSSIBLE AT ALL ?????????
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): LET'S' ADD UP WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY, ALL COPIED AND PASTED FROM YOUR WORDS.
THIS IS NOT A GUY WHO HAS BEEN HURT AND IS TELLING HIMSELF SOMETHING.....THIS IS A GUY WHO KNOWS HIS OWN MIND AND WHAT HE WANTS.....IS IS NOT READY OR WANTING ANYTHING FROM YOU OTHER THAN SEX
I said well this is all well and good telling me al this and you can now go off and forget about me but youve ended up hurting me anyway and i kind of miss you a bit.. he said there isnt anything he can do and thats the way he feels and i would only be hurt for a bit not as bad as i wouldve been!!!! it was then the end of the conversation really he got up and we agreed to stil be friends and i said i know you miss me and stil think of me - HE AGREED i said i dont want a full blown relationship you know to which he then said what do you want? i said fun and we had a laugh about it and hugged,
he said im more than happy to have a fling but nothing more ...and then he was gone
The other problem i have is that
i dont think he does want to settle down he has dated women for years at a a time and twice married (although doesnt get on with his kids mother) however the sex thing - i agree i was worried he just wanted that but i did ask him about that last year and thats when he said he just wanted to be friends
but he got in touch again about 2 weeks later.
the main problems i have here is
1) i work with him quite closley and he has is in a higher job then mine
He does make me feel bad about myself he questions me all the time and makes me feel like im in the wrong, i told him i wanted to travel that night and he told me that there wasnt any rush and i could do that anytime - and i was like no i want to do it before im too old and he made me feel like this was a bad thing, just little comments like this over the time have made me feel shit
he doesnt want a relationship beacause hes got his kids and busy with work, he enjoys being free and is a bad man
and thinks i deserve someone good to go out with not him - HE SAID ALL OF THIS.. that he isnt very nice when it comes to relationships and doesnt want one. hes busy with work etc etc - i sat and listened
and said i didnt believe him (all in gest and we laughed a lot)
I SAY BELIEVE HIM, HE IS TELLING YOU WHO HE IS AND HIS TRUTH. HE WILL HAVE A FLING WITH YOU, AND IF YOU FALL IN LOVE AND ACT HURT WHEN HE WON'T, HE WILL BLAME YOU BECAUSE HE HAS ALREADY TOLD YOU WHAT HE WANTS, HE WILL TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR LEADING YOU ON, HE WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE A MAN ABOUT IT, JUST LIKE HE IS IF YOU ACCEPT HIS TERMS GOING FORWARD
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): wow...
ok i think if i try and work out what he said in the context here i will never do it justice as its probably lost in translation and dissected to bits.
I think you need to say what you want from him... see earlier post.
not all men want sex first - it kind of bit like eating junk food, as opposed to meal thats cooked with love and care and full of all those good things we like.
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Well, you may have something there Eve. That said, you know me well, and I think men that are that insecure cannot handle a serious relationship and he will bail when issues come up when they always do. I think he is telling her that he is not going to give here what she wants.
He has convinced himself that his child is all that matters to him and from my personal experience with a man like that, he really means it.....and he really can't handle the pressure of serious, and he will doubt his very own heart, which is a recipe right there for failure.
She seems like a smart, nice, and attractive woman, I'd love to see her forget this one, if for no other reason than she has to work with him and her job should be more important to her than that.....and I think she deserves a more healthy emotionally available man. She won't be able to fix him, but if she just wants someone to love and date for awhile and thinks she can avoid being emotionally devestated when it won't work out, then that is another thing as well, but get a different job first.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (19 March 2009):
In all fairness to the guy Karen, I think he's been hurt big time in the past and he's told himself he will never do "serious" again. It started out this way with the poster, chatting and a laugh but as he's gotten to know her better he's come to respect her and he's admitting he's a jerk. If she just takes things slooooowly then I think something could come of this but NO PRESSURE on him whatsoever poster. AND... no jumping into bed with him or all that respect he has for you will go right out of the window.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks - I am not looking to get hurt, just a reason why he wants me to go and get a boyfriend and then says he will have a fling with me - I just wish it was different that's all and when he comes back in a few weeks I know I will start to feel stuff for him all over again - I mean it's his voice that sets me off for a start - I'll just hear him and think oh it's not fair - I want him to be with me - SO IF I DRESS a bit extra special and just be cool and friendly maybe he will think differently and realise he should have just tried with me - that's all - that's the thing - he hasn't even given us a shot...You have to remember if this was a guy on the street or a bar he would be gone BUT I HAVE TO WORK WITH HIM AND I AINT LEAVING no way... not because of that - I know he thinks about me - and I don't understand what makes a man go from wanting just sex to a relationship? and I am also convinced that he's gone off me because of the things I said months ago...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): I am sorry you think I was harsh, I was harsh because I am trying to tell you that you have to judge this guy as being able to DO a relationship. Some men are just not wanting anything more than a fling, a rush of emotions and sex but they won't be able to take it any further....those kind of intense flings are fun, but they are also very heartbreaking when they are done....and you being as fragile as you are had better wake up and see that this is a man who is telling you he is a jerk in relationships, that he can't do a relationship and he is telling you the truth and you keep thinking he is just scared, he isn't scared except that he is scared of losing his job if he gets sexually involved with you.
Men do not think or operate like we do, so it is hard to relate, but he can act as if he is in love with you, it is easy even for him to say I love you, but he is not thinking of having any sort of future with you beyond the time that he either meets another fling or decides he no longer wants to be hanging out with you.
A guy who is looking for a serious relationship will tell you that also. People always tell us who they are if we will only listen, and women get the love life they deserve....meaning that you are the selector here, you have the power whether or not you are going to let this guy get to you.....so use it and make a different choice, that is all I am saying.
You are looking to get hurt, why?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear eve, are you there - many thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionare you there eve, star??
thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear STAR, what do you think from a guys view to the things he said to me truth??? or he wouldnt have gone to effort of making that up surely?
THANKSX
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEve please help,,,,i understand all of what everyone has you said but unfortunaltey i cant just forget him like that. maybe in time, but this guy has chased me for months i havent imagined it he has persued me every time and i have always been the strong one but after 6 months hes got into my head a little so to be dropped like this in a way of him just saying what he has done has HURT a little thats all, beacuse he doesnt even want to touch me and of course thats going to hurt right!!! you have to realise that and i know you must think im crazy but i do like him and i feel like it is something else or it is me as i still dont get how a guy can change heart all of a sudden. COME ON IF A GIRL IS MAKING AN ADVANCE TO YOU like i did at the cinema he didnt want to know you would have just thought he would have done it anyway!!! and also ive been thinking he said i need to find someone good to go out with and so he wants thats does he,,he wouldnt be jealous at all to see or hear me with another man...i know we have something i just know it but i know i cant push him or make him feel different - i just wish i could do something to make him see that he could have given it a shot..thanks please dont be too harsh with me im fragile thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Ok, I agree with everyone here....but I want to try to talk some sense into you.....
It is clear to me that you are way hung up on this guy.
It is clear to me that you are trying to tell him that you are safe to fool around with, that you do not want a full blown relationship, that you don't want to get married or anything, in other words you want him to pursue you and romance you and have sex with you, you want to have some fun! He is not going to believe you and he may take you up on the free sex but he will never see you as a girlfriend because you were cheap, he didn't have to work to get you, he didn't have to win you over at all.
It is clear to me that you are not accepting the fact that this guy is not interested in you for anything more than a shag and that right now he is giving you the RESPECT of not doing that to you because your WORK TOGETHER AND YOU BOTH COULD LOSE YOUR JOBS IF THIS GOES SOUTH AND SOMEONE GETS HURT AND SOMEONE ALWAYS GETS HURT WHEN THEY ARE AS HUNG UP AS YOU ARE ON A GUY YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HAD SEX WITH YET!
You feel rejected. Why? He is trying to show you respect. He is being honest with you, he doesn't see a relationship with YOU or possibly ANYONE right now....that is not rejection it is respect and honesty and truth. He told you he is attracted to you sexually, so it isn't your looks.....
But you don't want that to be the truth.
Your truth is that you BELIEVE that it is something you can do to change his heart, to make him miss you and know what he missed out on with you....You cannot control another person's heart that way. What you can do is inspire him to desire to be with you more than he is afraid of commitment, but you are so far from that point with this guy you can't inspire him because he doesn't want relationship at all.....he isn't looking for that, you can't change his mind with your feminine powers and sex or anything you can dream up.
You would be best in my opinion to forget this guy completely. What are you afraid of? Being alone? Afraid of a real relationship with a guy that might want one with you? You are going after an emotionally unavailable man, if you enjoy being alone, then keep pursuing this with him because that is how you will end up, alone working and beating your head against a wall with a guy who isn't going along with you to the same place, happy ever after's ville.....Why not waste your very love life on this guy why don't you? How many more years are you gonna waste on going nowhere and not even getting started with him? You've known him a few years now isn't it?
If you just want to have sex with him, then walk up to him and grab his crotch and kiss him and tell him to meet you....damn the consequences for your job.
So you think you have a connection with him, you enjoy talking to him. There is a danger in a connection however, it means you have some intense feelings for him. Intense feelings always mask reality. You have to try to look hard at the reality and not what your overwhelming intense feelings are making you do.....you are clearly refusing to see the reality here and what's worse you aren't hearing what he is saying to you....you are still scheming to get him to feel differently and be so desirous of you that he will come running hat in hand.
It ain't gonna happen OK? I don't mean to be cruel, but I have been here before where you are and I know what I am talking about.
Seriously, get a new job if you have to but focus on YOU, not him and start dating some men who are interested in you and interested in having a full blown relationship, because that will make you happier than this mental masturbation that you have been performing!
Thanks for listening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): i can't work it out- you are trying to prove a point but not saying what it is. you seem more interested in the argument than the outcome. so please choose,what do you want from him, is it:
a) sex (so a wotsit buddy)
b) a relationship that is good friends but no sex.
c) colleagues
d) Long term full on relationship
thanks Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): firstly well done - think you did very well in handling it all - remember the bitch - cow thoughts. you did none of that and handled it well and for want of a better word professionally. As expected he came back and hat to open up. if you had waded in to him he would have held the high ground, however you kept calm and cool and definetly in better place. Much better person, well done.
secondly stop over analysing everything. really uneccessary and a waste of time. You wont ever unravel everything. not everything has a clear answer or meaning.
thirdly with your new found strength (see firstly above) go find someone better who will give you the affection you deserver.
Well done. :)
Hugs, star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut how do i make him see what hes missed with me when i GENUINLY do not want a full blown thing thats the last comment i said and he just asked me wat i wanted that was how it ended it was\all fine though we said bye and everything... i just dont want it to be weird again and the thing is when i talk to him theres this thing where you can just see theres attraction so i dont know how i can have a coversation with him without it looking like im teasing ---- also when you said he knows hes missed out and he may miss me --- hes gone for 2 weeks without talking to me but now weve cleared the air itll be different is that wat you mean, hes ended all this so how will he miss me and regret it when hes done it
xxx
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reader, AskEve +, writes (18 March 2009):
No, don't send him a text (he might even be expecting you to do that), leave things as they are. He might even be hoping you text him but don't! Let him sweat... Let him miss you! He'll realise that he's missed out having a relationship with you, he'll have plenty of time to go over things in his head while he's away, especially now you are both talking again. In fact he might be surprised at just HOW MUCH he misses you... so leave him to "suffer" until he gets back again. If he HAS missed you then you can bet your bottom dollar he'll MAKE the time to come and see you in your office and THAT will speak volumes! When that happens just play the cool friend!Pride would have stopped him from contacting you hun, nothing more. Don't look at it as you've been dumped (without the going out), take it as a compliment and look at it as you've gained his RESPECT... and that's a first with this guy! :o)~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eve, you are brilliant...I was thinking of a text to say that I've had a think and agree let's be friends, come and see me when you're back for a chat etc catch up but I'm now thinking it's not a good idea and just to leave it..Basically I want him to realise that he's missed out on me big time, and want him to know that and regret losing me - BUT I have no idea of how I go about this or if this is possible? I also feel like I've been dumped without the going out part - and he has made all the decisions and I've just had to go along with it - I told him he had hurt me and he knows that - wouldn't you have thought he would have maybe contacted me? I just want him - in a non bunny boiler way of course!
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reader, AskEve +, writes (18 March 2009):
Hey I'm not mad at you for talking to him. If you felt you had to do this to clear the air then it was the right thing to do.
The reason he's "switched off" is because he respects you and doesn't want to hurt you. He's probably used to taking what he wants from women to satisfy himself but with you it was different. When he sobered up he saw you as a PERSON and not just a sex object... and he respected that person! That is a good thing. He WAS being honest with you, he just isn't ready for a full blown relationship right now. He might be in the future and if he is then I'm sure he'll let you know as there definitely seems to be chemistry between you both but you've got to respect what he says for now.
If you don't and continue to niggle away at him then you'll put him off and will be seen in his eyes as a nag and a "bunny boiler" so go easy on him. Let nature take his course, if it's to be then let it come from him. In the meantime just be happy being friends WITHOUT the benefits! (winks).
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks...i know you are all probably mad with me for talking to him but i had to it was becoming impossible...so im so glad i did that on that count..however i just didnt want him to think i was after marriage or something which is how he saw it so thats why i said i didnt want a full blown relationship. which is true i dont. maybe in another life this would have worked???
I also told him earlier in the chat that he had blewn it a bit with how he treated me at the cinemad but he knows that so thats ok. but he didnt really seem that bothered.
im defintely not going down the fbw as you say and im not that stupid no way. i just think know theres something there between us and i feel like its a waste but i did tell him this also. i just miss the contact with him before it went wrong...and if he had just said lets just go out and see what happens he would havehad me in bed months ago but i said so you are just admitting to just wanting a sex thing and thats why you have backed off and he said yes.
in general though what did you think of that coversation and the things he said i appreciated his honesty but i still think if i had kept my mouth shut at xmas it wouldhave been different. he also said he had stopped drinking in the new year amd how everything seemed so different and that when he went out with me in a non drinking way he just couldnt do that to me.
i do respect him for all the things he said and i just want him to realise what hes missing with me as i feel rejected cos the guy that wanted me curled next to him and called me to see how i was isnt there anymore and doesnt care and i feel a bit crap - beacuse the attention has gone) how can he just switch it off like that.
thank you all very much
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reader, AskEve +, writes (18 March 2009):
At least you got a lot off your chest asking him "what the score was" and now a lot of how he's been acting will make sense to you. He's told you he likes you but he doesn't want a serious relationship with ANYONE! You need to respect that. What you mustn't do is be friends with benefits as this will totally screw with your head and once you get intimate with him your feelings will be all over the place so I very strongly advise you against this. The reason I say this is because when he asked you what you wanted you said fun... and FWB fun is what he (as a guy) will be thinking so be very careful.
It's good he's gone for now as it will give you time to get your head together, it will also give HIM time to get his head straight. When he comes back, remain friends with him. Take things very slowly and just see what transpires. Just don't tease him or you're the one (like he said) that will end up hurt.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Ok, he put you off several times in that conversation, saying he did not want a relationship and thought it would be a mistake to sleep with you since you work together.
However, you told him you just wanted sex, a fling and he agreed....so the guy is not going to give you something between you except his penis....is that what you really want, and how are you going to feel when he is over it and you want more and you have to see him at work?
Be honest, you are offering him a no strings attached sex thing because he won't give you a relationship....that is one way to get your man.
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reader, 1perrito  +, writes (18 March 2009):
 It's OK to ramble. You needed to get this off your chest. I read the whole thing, though.
I like this site because we can keep anonymous.
But, after reading everybody else's advice;
I concur, probably best to stear away from this dude.
A man should 'go in hard' or 'get out'. No half-steping.
I am sure you can find a 'hard' man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok its a bit of a long story again, basically i if you remember this story - i wont go on and remind you as im sure you do...ive kept up the inoring thing and we have had a few friendly chats but to be honest its been awful, an awful atmosphere at work compared to what it had been - i couldnt bear it any longer - i ah to say something...i asked him for a chat at work when it was quiet and he came in and sat down and i said what is going on???
etc etc, i basically said we have gone from talking all the time to nothing and i dont know why, you havent treated me very nice at all, we have been friends a really long time and now we are just not talking?
he looked a bit shocked, nothings wrong, ive been busy i dont know where youve got that from all of that - so i just said in my charming way oh come on its me your talking to dont act like this whats up? whats happened, i reminded hom of that awful night and then how he ignored me after all to which he denied and then slowely it all came out....
progress finally i said unfortunalty we have to work together so lets clear the air and sort this out cos im not enjoying the atmospehere
he said he had basically had second thoughts, he thought after our chat at xmas where i questioned him on does he just want a shagging thing he said he didnt think it was fair he was too fond of me to hurt me and didnt want to start anything up, he doesnt want a relationship beacause hes got his kids and busy with work, he enjoys being free and is a bad man and thinks i deserve someone good to go out with not him - HE SAID ALL OF THIS.. that he isnt very nice when it comes to relationships and doesnt want one. hes busy with work etc etc - i sat and listened and said i didnt believe him (all in gest and we laughed a lot)
i said there must be something else, he said there was it was also the work thing, maybe if we werent working together it may be different? BUT the main thing is he had second thoughts all beacuse i said that thing months ago - i reminded him he started up again after we agreed to be friends at xmas and he admitted to that, i said why did you chase me again if you werent interested he said beacuse he thought it actually might work and it would be ok but after coming back and seeing me again hes realised it wont - he kept saying hes fond of me blah blah blah...
i said so wheres the attracton gone, is there someone else he said he was single and that the attraction hasnt gone but if he had had slept with me we probably wouldnt have remained friends so its for the best,
i said you havent given us a chance and it wouldhave been nice if you had just said all of this instead of taking me out and kissing me the night before and giving me a crap night - he said I KISSED HIM!!! that hurt a bit i said well you didnt back off he said no i should have! he said he did the whole thing the wrong way around and he should have said something but blamed it on being a boy!
i said well this is all well and good telling me al this and you can now go off and forget about me but youve ended up hurting me anyway and i kind of miss you a bit.. he said there isnt anything he can do and thats the way he feels and i would only be hurt for a bit not as bad as i wouldve been!!!! it was then the end of the conversation really he got up and we agreed to stil be friends and i said i know you miss me and stil think of me - HE AGREED i said i dont want a full blown relationship you know to which he then said what do you want? i said fun and we had a laugh about it and hugged, he said im more than happy tohave a fling but nothing more ...and then he was gone
hes gone now back in a few weeks, so thats that - now although you dont know how relieved i am we had that chat i know feel like i want him even more and that there was defintely something there between us and massive attraction - what a waste...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Gee, don't leave some of us in the dark, what intriguing thing happened, do tell.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (18 March 2009):
If you prefer to send me a private message than that's okay. Just click on my avatar and click "send AskEve a private message". It will come up as female anonymous so let me know it's you.
Either that or you can write it on here, that way the other aunts can see your update and advise you too but you do whatever you prefer, I'm fine about it either way.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh my where do I start, can I send you a private message? How does that work? Is it stil anonymous?
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reader, AskEve +, writes (18 March 2009):
Hi, Eve here... tell us your update!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, I was wondering if any of the autns were online Eve, Star or staurn desire to help with my update on my situtaion its quite intriuging,,...if i send a private message to you does that still remain anon??? many thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): By the way you keep saying it is so hard because you both are ignoring each other. I beg to differ, you are waving, speaking as you pass and generally getting on with the business of the day, which is the way work relationships generally are supposed to go.....let it go, the past is past, he is not the love of your life!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): I don't mean to be blunt or rude, but I have to say that you and all your analyzing and agonizing over this man reminds me that any time I did that in the past, the relationship never worked out....he isn't that interested in you and definately not in having a relationship.
You are really attracted strongly to emotionally unavailable men and that speaks about you.....hence my suggestion for the counseling to find out what you may do about that and choose better for yourself.
I think you really need to find something else to think about, like a new guy or a new friend or a new hobby or how you might help someone else and take the focus off a NON relationship that is not happening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks star..i miss your words..
i saw him today and he walked passed my office today talking on his mobile surprise surprise...and we caught each others eyes and i just waved (hello) and he waved back but then procedded to go back to his desk dow the corrider for an hour (he is working out of the office and has been all week) and not speak to me or anything...still carrying it on. its obviosubly not killing him at all we have never gone this long without talking, BUT it is bugging me.
i will see him tomorrow though so im going to ask him how he is if i catch his eye? just to gage the reaction - not friendly though just work related. it cant carry on like this i have to propertly work with him in a few months and it will be awful if there is this atmosphere...i do miss our chats and flirting but i knew it couldnt carry on but this is worse really. ive never fell out with someone like this before so ill just carry it on but i really did think he would get in touch by now especially after he saw me wave today but he stil looked at me like rubbish so that hurt a bit.
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): your doing great - keep going a little longer. i am pleased - you haven't been a cow or a bitch just a grown professional woman.
he isn't that old - thats just his body - his actions and mind say he is 16...
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust an update - still ignoring me ...all very strange i think he finishes next week so i am counting down...im still a bit uncomfortable about it all and miss our laughs but when he is in the building i can get on with it and forget him but when he is there i turn into some obsessed freak - whats he talking about, who to? whos that calling him? his phone rings constantly..i think anyone would be like tha though in my situation when he is right there..anyway ill keep you posted - have you ever heard of a 39 year old actng like this...madness
ill keep you posted xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear eveok i will try i wont see him til next week now so that will be a couple of weeks that this has all been going on for..ill ask him how its going and then he finishes the week after for a few months at least..he will be back thoughthanks x
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reader, AskEve +, writes (5 March 2009):
That is the reasons we HAVE relationships (go out, date etc), to see if we're compatible... you and him are not! You don't have to ignore him blatantly, be courteous, he'll be gone soon anyway so I would stop worrying.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni dont think i can do counselling at the moment but thanks for the advice i just want to deal with this first before anything else...i know ive not imagined or behaved incorrectly with the guy though - and my other issues dont have anything to do with him, he liked me we went out and it didnt work out - i just have to see him every day thats the hardest thing and ingoring each other isnt helping thats all i was trying to say
anyway ill keep you posetd with anthing further..ill just have to give it time to realise its just went you are vulnerable and someone shows you some affection and then you and have a night like i did at the cinema its a bit hard thats all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): Ok, that last bit about not being over your ex and the way you had to find out it was over due to his cheating and then disappearing act.....explains a few things to me as to why you are attracted and obsessese with an emotionally unavailable man.....you are afraid of intimacy and getting hurt again....it is common after a bad break up.
I really suggest you get some counseling even though you may think you don't need it. You have a lot of unresolved feelings that you need to process and a professional can really help you get some answers for yourself.
I have no idea why you are so hung up on this guy who has chased you for 6 months, the thing is, it NEVER took off, it never turned into anything and it is not going to if it hasn't in 6 months.....seriously, it doesn't matter how you feel about it, it isn't going to take place and the thing is you seem to be using this with him to punish yourself for losing the ex.....like you just need to feel some more pain and some more unrequited love because that is what you are going through any way over the ex, and this newer guy just got to continue that feeling over for you because you aren't ready to let that go.....
Seriously, get some counseling, it is the best thing you can do for yourself and you will feel better once you start focusing on you and your own issues and forget about this one......you can want to get together with him all you want, but you aren't actively pursuing it which is smart and he isn't either, he sounds like he is just keeping it weird between you for his own sick reasons.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh no no way im not asking him for lunch - not putting myself into theat situation again...i only would consider him again if he said sorry and really convinced me that he wanted to give US a go - not a full blown relationship but at least something...and i know that will NEVER happen -
BUT i do wish we were still friends like before - we have gone from that to this in a week and thats the hard bit plus think how you guys would feel if a guy had chased you for 6 months, texted and rang you nearly everyday for 3 of those and you had shared intimate feelings you would feel hurt to and im obsessed with it as i have to see him all the time, wonder who is sharing those thoughts with now and think what could have been
It will be better when hes not there in a few weeks and then it will be out of sight, out of mind and when i see him next and we say hello, ill ask him how he is and so atleast that gives him a crumb,,,i honestly dont know where the nice guys are i never seem to meet them and im still not over my ex to be honest ( he told me he loved me then met someone else and slept with her and didnt even call me to tell me it was over i had to work it pout myself...)
xx
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 March 2009):
Do you WANT to give things another go with him (remembering how he's been towards you) or have you had enough and want to move on? THAT'S what you need to ask yourself. If you DO want to give things another go then the next time you both pass one another and he says hello then ask him what he's doing at lunch time and does he fancy going for lunch with you. THAT will let you see whether or not he's still interested. If he agrees, then great, if he doesn't then you have your answer!
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEve next time you are there would you mind taking a look at this, thank you so much. What do you think star? xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk I will try but I haven't been nice have I? Just said hello that's all, I wasn't nice to him when he came to talk to me and when I walked past him today to talk to someone else I went in their office and he walked into the main office and started flirting with other girls and had his back to me but I couldn't see him because I had the door shut and when I went back to my office my sunglasses were broken the arm had been snapped off - they were on the floor but I don't know how that could have happened to them - maybe it's my imaginiation but if he wasn't in my face ie - working with me I would probably be able to deal with this better than I am but I analyze everything as he works where I do - sorry to be such a pain. I really appreciate your time and advice, I really do. You're the only ones I can talk to and who seem to give me good advicexx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): i am saying its your mind - you choose to think how you want.
You can choose to hate him and think negatively, or you can choose to think positively about it -e.g.I am not going to be a bitch - i am going to think of being nice. (which is what you are doing) and by doing that get a better reaction from him.
In this case i think you have done the right things, now be patient.
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, sorry for being thick - what do you mean? I meant that I have to think of how badly he treated me when I start getting upset that he isn't talking to me like he did before?I do miss our chats when it was good - but I think him coming to say hi on Monday was his way of trying to make it right and because I didn't give that impression he now thinks I'm the bitch! I just don't like the atmosphere, I've never had this with anyone but I can't be the one to have it out with him no way needy girl not me... xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): ok be patient! its only been a few days. He is hoping it will pass. But you have changed...
why do you have to think of one awful night? its your mind think of what you want - not what you have been hurt by.
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to let you all know as I am sure you wondering (Not) he is still ignoring me nothing but a morning or a hello if i see him first thing and then nothing...i know worry that his attempt to come into my office was my chance and i blew it. i know im over analyzing it but i cant help it this isnt something ive imagined its been going on since last september so for us not to talk is just so silly.. but i then have to think of that awful night dont i?
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): I was intriqued at such a long post and after reading all of this I only have a suggestion for you.
To me what leaps off the page is that you have a very strong "sexual attraction" for this guy and he can sense that and that is why the graphic texts, he is baiting you and hoping you will jump off your moral high horse and start a physical affair with him. However he is not offering you a relationship, he hasn't made any moves or said any words to indicate that he wants a relationship with you...in fact he told you that he has nothing to give, his kids mean the most to him and I think working with you is a hold back for either type of an affair in that he doesn't want to take responsbility for starting it or maintaining or even ending it....he is a coward.
You seem to let this guy get to your head, you are way over analyzing him and his behavior, what does he mean when he does this? Because he isn't talking and he even seems "shut down" to you. I think he can feel your intensity and even yes, lack of self esteem.....and for what ever reason he isn't that into you....and it is nothing you did or didn't do or anything, it is him....he just enjoys playing the cat and mouse game, like the aunts said, he is a big egotistical power tripping man who happens to be your superior at work and in my opinion he is sexually harassing you, except that you kind of like it, as you put up with him and his graphic texts.
This guy seems emotionally stunted or unavailable and he is probably that way with most women.....he is not worth analyzing to death or wondering if he is attracted to you or not....of course he is......but that doesn't mean he wants you or wants to love you or wants a realtionship with you....If you fell under him naked, yeah, I think he would have sex with you, and would call you in a couple of weeks looking forward to what new positions he could try with you the next time....but he would continue to be the same shut down, screwed up male.
I think you need to stop focusing your attention, any of it on him....what ever your personal problems are, I think they are leaving you feeling vulnerable and weak in self esteem, and if you weren't having these personal problems, you would just know this guy was not worth your time, and there would be so much of a YICK factor for you that you would just ask yourself, what was I thinking? ???
I hope that you will turn your attention away from him and focus more on you and dealing face to face with your problems as this guy is serving as a distraction from what you don't want to be thinking about and then figure out what you need to do to feel better about your situation and about yourself. Perhaps a new hobby, a new social club or community service activity or even dating some new men would cure what ails you.
As far as your job, I think you are in dangerous territory kissing and fooling around on a personal level with someone who is your superior....not that he will ruin things at work for you the way it stands, but he could if you threaten him in any way. Walk away from this one, great job treating him like a coworker, if you keep it up, things will just fade out and get back to the professional way they need to stay. I wouldn't ask him any more questions or ask for an apology or an explanation, you are wanting closure, be OK without it because you will most likely never ever get it.....so what, life goes on and time keeps marching on and so will you. And any thing logical that you come up with as a reason for his actions will probably be wrong any way, because there is no real logical explanation for any of it don't you know!
Be good to yourself and realize you dodged a bullet and be grateful for that....gratitutde goes a long way to changing your outlook on everything I have found!
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reader, AskEve +, writes (2 March 2009):
Only he knows what is going on in his mind. The graphic texts would be a very big red flag to me I'm afraid and I certainly wouldn't encourage them.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesnt seem that shy but I think he can be a bit different towards me as he's known me as a friend (we use to work together ages ago) so he feels he can talk to me although the first topic of conversation was at dinner, he asked me what was wrong, ie wanting me to tell him my personal problem and when I said nothing, he said there goes my conversation for the evening! I get the impression he was thinking what he could say to me... etc etc he seems a bit like that - worried what to talk about but the main thing is though when he texts he's so graphic and when I say anything to him in a flirty way in the past of course he always seems surprised like I'm being forward.. very strangeDo you honestly think he won't think oh what's up with her?? Is it possible that he really thinks the way he treated me is acceptable?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): becuase he is like a dog sniffing around for the next crumb you give him. whilst i am in the mood on the animal front (just realised how odd that sounds) - very pleased you didn't act like a bitch :) now you hold the moral high ground and have acted well - shown him it didn't get to you etc. all really good stuff. - if you had got upset \ angry etc. he would have gone away smug. Very good for you.
tomorrow will be a different day - behave the same :) eventually he will mention it and you say exactly what Askeve says, he behaved like a T*at and you have far too much dignity and self respect to be treated that badly by anyone.
Big Hug Star.x.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (2 March 2009):
He's attracted to the CHALLENGE! I get the feeling he's not the best with words. He probably wanted to go into your office and make things right and when it came to it he couldn't put it into words. Does he seem shy when you dated him?
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow did you know we don't live near each other? You're good!!! or physic!!! Oh no I know it would never work unless we have a major heart to heart but I can't see that happening.So shall I just carry it on then, polite etc and only talk to him if he talks to me etc?How can you tell if he's still attracted to me? Why would a man treat a girl like that if they like them that makes no sense. I've never had that before? thank you again xx
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reader, AskEve +, writes (2 March 2009):
Even if you DID get together with him, does he live close by that you'd still be able to carry on seeing him if he WAS nicer to you? No, I thought you did well. You rose above it and kept your cool. You could quite easily have started to sound needy by asking him what was the matter with him and why was he behaving the way he did etc. Instead you kept things light, courteous and friendly.
Maybe the fact that you kept your own counsel and kept out of his way warmed him to you even more as guys like to chase and that's why he came into your office. For whatever reason, you're absolutely right to have did what you did today so again well done there. You let him see that he's "NOT all that!"
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondo you think - attracted how so???
he was so rude, got some nerve eh? coming in i reckon testing the water but he cant think the conversation was like it used to be a week ago?
ill just carry on and next time ill try to be a little more polite so he doesnt think im a bitch, but i dont reckon he will to be honest!
i just wants his 2 weeks to be over###
eve - you truly are fantastic with your words, i wish i had you as my friend -
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reader, AskEve +, writes (2 March 2009):
The least he could have done was apologised to you for being such a twat in the past, but he didn't do that. You did well, well done to you. Hopefully now he'll get the message and leave you in peace. He's obviously still attracted to you but rise above it.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear All, in particular Satin desire, Star & Eve
the ones who helped me with my problem over the weekend - i do hope you are there and read this.... (from im being played for a fool post) - the guy at work the bad night at the cinema!!!
well today i did as you said and played it cool, got on with my job and head down, and he did the same again as friday ignored me until lunch and the saw me talking to someone else and i guess saw that i was talking to that person ok and about 10 mins later there was a knock at my office door (the door was open anyway) and he came strolling in like he use to
'hello' i looked up and said hi and carrie don typing at my pc, he said u ok? i said fine u? he said had a nice weekend? i said yes ok, did you? he said good thanks won the football, i said oh right and then he looked around my office a bit and then commented on his morning meeting and i really didnt give him any reason to stay and talk to be honest (as he was still being a bit off) and then he left after i just agreed with a work comment... that was it didnt see him for the rest of the day and he carried on ignoring me when i did
very strange, i dont get it, i cant believe he came in to say hello, how dare he? he is either mad and think im being funny with him or he is seriously palying mind games or maybe just feels guilty cos of the work thing and wants to try and make friends - who knows... but one things for sure - its over as he would have said sorry if he thought he was in the wrong???
what do you think guys any help
thanks
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear All,
Thanks so much for all your help and words but mostly for taking the the time to read all my ramblings...
I will play it cool tomorrow and for the rest of the week and try and let it not bother me at work, ill just shut my office door if it gets too much,
I will definitely let you know what happensn- probably tomorrow \when hes horribleb again !!
Thanks again
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): wow - this is a long post :). Looks like we have all said similar things (makes a change, 3 of us normally 3 different answers) in summary:
1) Move on - he is not worth it
2) Just be normal - stop reading and thinking ahead for every variation - things rarely play out the way that your head thinks they will.
My final view:
It does not matter if you were right or wrong, only you can decide that truly(i don't see anything here that makes me think you did anything different to what i would have done).
At work be professional and act normal even if it hurts, that will gain more respect than being either a cow,bitch or someone who runs off crying.
get busy - go out and see other people and stop thinking and analysing.
Hugs,Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay thanks so much, I will I promise. In you opinion, do you think I've behaved in the wrong at all and then I will go and leave you alone I promise.And thank you so much, I do appreciate you listening thank you for your time. xxx
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reader, AskEve +, writes (1 March 2009):
If he refuses to work with you then he's not very professional is he? He won't get you fired, not from what you've told us anyway, he'll just move on...
Don't let him get to you the way he's doing. You've had excellent advice from Star and Satindesire. I suggest you read it over again and DROP HIM!
Good luck.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut what about refusing to work with me or getting me fired, do you think he will just leave it? and do you think it's my fault a little? Have I been a cow? He just makes me so crazy as I don't know where I stand, that's why I tried to play hard to get, but a man nearly 40 should know women like that right? Is it me???And why on earth the night before did he kiss me and it was a kiss if you know what I mean? Freak I practically threw myself at him and he doesn't want that either...
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reader, AskEve +, writes (28 February 2009):
I don't think he's the type to gossip to others, telling stories, it just doesn't seem his style at all. Chatting and flirting and being the joker (when in a confident mood) yes, but I don't think he's the gossip type. (Just a hunch.) You were right not to reply to him. He couldn't even send you a card? Sheeeesh! Speaks volumes.
Like you said, he's only there another couple of weeks so just be pleasant if he speaks to you. Say what needs to be said then get on with your work. Let him see that you're not interested any more. If he texts you again don't answer. Stick with telling him (if he asks) that you've decided (notice.... YOU'VE DECIDED) that it's better you both remain friends. Don't ask him why... just leave it at friends.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear EveThanks so much for your reply, can I just ask you why you think he's not the type to cause trouble for me at work. He is in a higher position than me so potentially he could get me fired if he pushed it but I'm staff and he's freelance plus I'm the girl, so if it got ugly I could always go with that... I hope it doesn't come to that. Also I never actually told him my problems, I just said I was going through some stuff at the moment as I thought that might make up for the hanging up I did etc but I realise now he is making me so insecure that I have to explain myself all the time to him. To be fair though I did tell him last week when he tried to take me out that he needed to try harder as I thought he only wanted to take me out as he was bored and he did send me a text saying happy valentines but as he didn't call or send me any flowers I didn't reply as I thought I deserved better!Basically I just wanted to be chased, wanted him to want me and I feel like it's my fauly a bit because I did this, BUT to be fair the lead up to the cinema was all fine until the few days before It's always the same, he treats me like shit and then I try and stand my ground but you know this time that's it and I doubt we will talk. I just don't think I should get into asking him why or anything, there's no point is there? I just worry about the work thing. What if he refuses to work with me or something?
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reader, AskEve +, writes (28 February 2009):
Don't text him again. It's all a game with him, the texts and telling you what he'd like you to do to him, it's as if he's "grooming" you for when he makes his move! Hey, men have mood swings too. He probably felt horny one night and that's why he started texting you again, to give things another go.
You weren't wrong to tell him some stuff as you put it, people do that when they go out together and you thought telling him would make him open up more. If he gets the wrong end of the stick and thinks YOU are the one with the problems (instead of you trying to help your family) then he's jumped to conclusions hasn't he? Again, not your problem. I don't think for one minute he'll make your life a misery at work, he doesn't seem the type. Okay, so you talked about other colleagues but he did it too so you're even there.
You made him angry when you asked him did he just want you for a quick leg over and he had to cover up. That's why he said you are better off just being friends but of course the old hormones crept in again a couple of weeks later, hence the texts again to you. Nothing you say to him will ever be right. He's trying to control and belittle you all the time, it's his way of controlling the relationship and trying to make you feel insecure... and hey, it was working right? DON'T fall for it and let him make you feel this way. The guy is a coward. He's a different person when he texts you, that's because he's not face to face with you and the reason you don't hear from him for hours is again all control! Big and full of shit when under cover but a totally different person when you meet with him face to face. HE has more insecurities than you have! Trust me on that one.
You're much too good for him. He has a big fat chip on his shoulder, probably from something that's happened to him in the past and only he can deal with that. Until he does you're better off without him.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni also forgot to say that the person who texts me is so different to the one the person face to face its very strange sometimes i wonder if the person ive texted and was saying all those things to is him as hes not very straight forward face to face but so direct over text....
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Eve, Thank you so much for your help, what great advice - honestly the people on the site have helped me more than anyone I know - so thank you I was going to text him in panic but after thinking about it I realise that's just playing into his hands. Our dates before xmas were ok they were nice but to be honest I've texted and spoken to him on the phone more than I have seen him so it was never going to work was it - he was just playing at it. I still cant work it out though I don't know how he could change overnight - do you think I was worng to say ive going through some stuff, i tell you if he did know he would feel so rotten as he wouldnt expect what i would tell him, but i only said that as I thought he make allowances for me instead it probably pushed him away. The one thing I worry about though is I have talked about a few people at work not bad things but just the odd comment and i worry he might say stuff as he knows im paranoid and i worry. but he has said worse things to me... he could potentially finish me at work - do you think he could really cause trouble for me???The other problem i have is that i dont think he does want to settle down he has dated women for years at a a time and twice married (although doesnt get on with his kids mother) however the sex thing - i agree i was worried he just wanted that but i did ask him about that last year and thats when he said he just wanted to be friends but he got in touch again about 2 weeks later.He does make me feel bad about myself he questions me all the time and makes me feel like im in the wrong, i told him i wanted to travel that night and he told me that there wasnt any rush and i could do that anytime - and i was like no i want to do it before im too old and he made me feel like this was a bad thing, just little comments like this over the time have made me feel shit I guess we are just different he is 10 years older than me and he sint that quiet although i guess he is really he only speaks to some people and he does keep himself to himself and when we text sometimes he doesnt reply for hours which is annoying - i also think there is someone else and he doesnt know how to tell me maybe im not sure?do you think its me at all?thank you so much
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsure thanks i understand - but i guess this is what happens when things are not clear from the start we have onyl been out a few times and we were never together but it was obvioulsy something as its been going on for months and even though we havent been out much wehave spoken a lot on the phone when hes been away, i just worry that its me and what must he think of me? but then he shouldhave just spoke to me about it instead of treating me like a doormat (i wish i had left in the middle of the film knowone deserves that do they?) but ignoring me at work thats too much especially as we had always been so close i have my own office and he was always in there - its just weird...i think he couldnt handle the fact that i have a few problems and because i wouldnt tell him he didnt like it but i wouldnt have pushed him if i saw he was upset... its just all too weird for me but i know guys think differently,,,so what do i do now, play i cool,? what do i do look at him with no reaction or smile or what? ill have to do something i can ignore himi suppose hes only there for 2 more weeks anyway and then he goes for a bit so i dont have to put up with it for long. its almost like hes punishing me knowing howupset it will make me and if beg him to talk to me he will just back off further -
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reader, AskEve +, writes (28 February 2009):
This guy would love to settle down with someone but he has too many hangups at the moment. He seems the quiet sort, keeps everything inside and takes all of his anger and resentments out on others, in this instance... you! You have only ever been nice to this guy and he's treated you badly. When you first meet someone, you are in the honeymoon period, you should have butterflies in your tummy, the night should fly by and both of you should never run out of things to say to one another. Your dates with him have been anything but that! They've been a nightmare. Can you imagine what it would be like actually living with this guy? He would soak all of your confidence and self esteem out of you, he's much too controlling and would leave you a shivering wreck. That's why we HAVE relationships, to see if we're compatible. You are best forgetting about him altogether and moving on to someone who can make you feel all of these things I mentioned.Don't you feel bad or subordinate to him and don't let him intimidate you at work. You are your own person, stand tall and don't let him get to you, after all HE'S the one with the problem not you! Carry on at work as usual, do your job, keep busy and don't even look up if you see him in the vicinity. I would totally ignore him unless of course he comes over to you to ask you something concerning work. In that case you answer him as you would any other colleague then take your leave or get the head down again. Don't let him think he's any different from anyone else in the office. If he asks you out again... then say thanks but no thanks, I think it's better we just remain friends then walk away.I get the feeling this guy is a good bit older than you and I also have a hunch he was hoping he might get his way with you and was sticking in there chancing his luck. He's seen you have morals and maybe that's why he's thrown the dummy out of his pram. Head held tall girl. HE'S the one with the problem!~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear satin desire
did you read all of this - you deserve a medal hope you understood it - i realise there were a few spelling errors,
thank you so much for your words they have helped, i was spinning out of control earlier but after a day or so im a bit calmer, but i know come monday when i see him i will turn into this other person who acts crazy as he makes me this way -
can i just ask what makes you say he has shown me no regard on several occasions..?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionis there anyone that can help me with this?
thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni think he probably thinks i have demons to face and everything was going ok until i said i had a few problems.. and the only reason i said that was so he might make allowances for me if i seemed abit neorotic - he said to me he couldnt do anything right and maybe he feels like im playing him and all the texts i got from in the cinema were from a guy or something ( it was my mum worried about me as she hadnt heard from me) but hes constantly texting and i never have a strop ! he asked me who i had my eye on after dinner ? why would he be bothered if he doesnt like me? i think hes playing a bit of a game
so what shall i do then monday, if he looks at me just smile and say hi or just ignore him and not not aknowledge him unless i have to?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): you are not a cow - do not act like one. equally you are not a bitch - do not act like one.
You are a grown adult women who likes a man who for some reason cant return the affection and has his own demons to face. You will be normal and be friends , smile but not like a mad woman. Be happy what you had and knowing that there is someone behind you who had feelings for you.
the best bit of advice though is don't read things into everything. That's more than stupid if you do. People walk off in corridors because they have meetings, because they don't want to talk, because they need the loo etc. Just chill and be proud. Move on and find someone who will reciprocate your affection.
Hugs.Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStar you should be on Oprah, thanks for your calming words, can you tell im spinning (doesnt help when my friends have all deserted me abotu my personal problem) and i have to email strangers..but thank you so much i am very gratefulSo you think dont do anything, be professional be nice done be a bitch! if i catch his eyes dont react just look at him with nothing ??? NO SMLE OR ANYTHING?? maybe that is for the best, whatever his problem is? its not me - im just worried he might make me out to be a cow or something to other at work people and i just wouldnt be able to cope with it - as i could say plenty! he might think im ignoring him but then i remember yesterday he came into work and was down the corrider from me and walked past my office and didnt speak to me at all and when i was talking to some of his friends he saw me looked and walked off ( as if to say im not talking to them whilst she is there) DISGUSTING EH! so i know its not me. cos if he had said morning like he use to i would have said it back - so he has caused this right?i just find it madness that last week he bombarded me with messages, bought me a cake and when i gave him a lift the night before the pictures he kissed me in such a way i knew there is something there between us -
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): you said this "the one thing is though sometimes if you dont talk about it with that person you dont ever know and it eats you up forever"
i think that's very true unless you know it does (which here it does). Then its just your head being bored...keep it busy, if you stop you will think about him.
I will be here or others will all day (and night and the day after)- if you want to talk and get it out we will listen (mostly, if we haven't fallen asleep :))
embarassing is the hardest part to deal with - its really your pride by another name. SO you are emabaressed so what. does the world stop spinning? no. In a few weeks this will have settled. Of course you could feel proud because you tried? and glad that you felt something. Be happy you lived and you have all this great affection to give.
with work - play it cool, cool as a cucumber. be professional even if it hurts. It happened, you are a grown up and you can and will cope. He will talk about it in time, not yet, but in time.
Hugs Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionis there a small possibility he thinks all the things youve said about him - about me like im in the wrong and all of that? i guess i will never know?the one thing is though sometimes if you dont talk about it with that person you dont ever know and it eats you up forever. there are other things too about this that arent right maybe that are my fault, i just wish we had never gone out beacuse we probably would still have been friends i think that was his way of saying if i treat her like crap she wont want to know me and its worked but how immature is that!!!! there are other things about this that i havent said and if i told you id be here all day but still doesnt justify rejecting all my affectionate moves does it - talk about get the hint - it was just emabarrasing!!!! the thing is he will have to come to me to talk about work and vise versa eventually so how am i going to handle that?? what a mess
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): i am really sorry but i think he isn't interested for whatever reason. So what to do?
He doesn't have to justify it to you. He should, but he doesn't have to. So i don't think you will get an answer from him. And yes he was in the wrong if that makes it better. (you know this already). Or possibly he feels guilty because of the work thing. Or really he couldn't be bothered to talk to you because he is a selfish git.
I Don't like the way you say "What the hell i have done?"
why do you have to have done anything? He could have found someone else? he could decide to go back to his ex. He (not you) are responsible. Stop blaming yourself. (sigh if you learn how to do this please tell me!)
Anyway so to fix - whatever fix is. Walk away or collar him for a last time and tell him. I suspect he wants to go.
So... prepare yourself for this. You have to be ready. to go . You will full hurt, stupid etc. But at least have the intelligence to walk away from something hurting you.
Hugs Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks Star, i just am so hurt and i know if i cant understand how someone can change their feelings like this. without a good reason!!! its changed pratcially overnight and even if he has someone else at least if we talked about it we could end it right instead of this
the main problems i have here is
1) i work with him quite closley and he has is in a higher job then mine
2) i dont think the way he treated me and rejected me like he did especially as the night before we were kissing and i dont think he should think its ok to have done that to me
3) if i confront him on monday ill be the one to get upset and cry and he will just not care!
4) I DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL IVE DONE OR WHAT HAS CHANGED
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): i think he isn't interested. You are there in front of him turning cartwheels and he isn't seeing them.
So does he think you are total screw up - how would anyone know unless they talk to him?
I think everytime you try right now, you push him back. You take a step forward, he takes a step back. You take two steps forward, guess what he does...yes two steps back.
You could txt him on Monday and say look can we meet i have to talk to you as a last ditch attempt. (I wouldn't do that at the weekend if you know it won't get a response).
Although really i think the best thing is to stop. I think you have to leave him alone for a few weeks - no contact etc. and then see what he does.
Hugs Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks again but i really dont feel comfortable telling him about the stuff i have going on because he hasnt shown anything to me to make me feel ok with telling me. I mean you just dont treat a girl your suppose to like like this??? and i think its my fault beacuse he makes me feel like it is. Evertime ive asked him whats wrong why are you being funny with me, dont you want to kiss me anymore in the past he just makes me feel pathetic and needy and like im chasing him which is not the case.The main probem here is i dont know how i can talk to him about it as we cant talk at work as too many people around and if i ask him to meet me after then im sure he wont! i end up being the bitch evertime as im the only one doing th talking i could text him now and just say i think we need to talk monday and i can bet i wont get any response as hes with his kids and its the weekend... why do you think he is treating me like this? does he think im a screw up as he took what i said the wrong way and doesnt wamnt to get involved or beacuse i wouldnt tell him hes being funny with me ???thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): hi thanks for coming back that helps a lot - means we aren't talking to the wall.
Ok there are two things here that spring to mind.
why would it be your fault? - that makes no sense to me - yes he will react to you reacting to himr eacting to you etc. But obviously you both feel there is something wrong here.
So the only way to find the cause is dig deeper and talk to him.
You said you had deeper problems - these could be skewing your vision. Maybe you need to talk about these.Maybe he is sensing these?
If it helps here we have had stories of everything from incest, rape right across to the teen "OMG I fancy this boy what should i do" - non of us (or at least that i know of) are trained counsellors - just in various emotional areas worldly wise.
I would go for the advice of both of myself and the anonymous reader - ask him one time - if you get no or a negative response, walk away. If he says because you did this or are cold to me back then you have a point for improvement.
Big Hugs, Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks both for the advice, it isnt as easy as that though as ive know him for a long time and i really didnt think he could as vile as this, ignoring me and treating me like thia at the cinemas was just out of order but i know if i have a go at him or ask him about it like i always do if hes funny with me (like the phone hanging up thing) he will shut down even more. plus we have this big meeting on monday and as hes above me i dont know how long i can go on for ignoring him in a really immature way!! im now thinking this is my fault i told him i had stuff going on and when he asked me a few times i wouldnt tell him - the truth is i have a few family problems and they are deeply personal and im not going to discuss it with someone who i dont realy trust and im glad i didnt now after his behaviour. I am trying to think why it suddenly changed from all over me to not wanting to even touch me any help please would be very kind
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): [Comment Approved, Edited and Replaced with the following: If you're really an expert, you shouldn't be advertising your phone number on here. It's called "spam" if you do. If you want to help the OP, put your 2 coppers here or private message her/him/it. -Martini]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Oh dear !.Hun,i know exactly how you feel 1.I've ahd so many bad experiences with men,it's unbelievable.I met a guy once who was two years younger than me,i'm nearly 25,he text me alot,but we only had one date.At the end of the date,he said he'd like to see me again,but he didnt.He strung me along for three weeks until he finally said he didnt think it was gonna work out between us,and didnt even give a reason !.
I've also met a couple of guys who are much older than me,in their forties,who have strung me along.Most recently,I met a guy in a nightclub last Saturday,the same place where i met the guy who was two years younger than me,and he was married but separated and had two kids.He seemed really genuine.He bought me a drink,we danced together all night,he asked me what i wanted out of life,and at the end of the night he helped me get a taxi and asked me to send him a text message,and said he would definetly meet up with me again.I sent him a text on Tuesday and he hasn't responded.I've been really depressed all week as he seemed really nice and I really liked him.He's 14 years older than me,but I don't think the age gap matters.
I'm sorry,I'm not really sure what to advise.I find that it helps sometimes though when you know that other people have gone through the same thing.The way i try and deal with it though is just keep busy as much as i can.Meeting up with friends helps me,at least friends are always there for you,men aren't always !.I listen to my favourite music and watch my favourite films to try and take my mind off it too.And i sometimes leave my mobile phone in another room or leave it at home when i go out then i'm not constantly checking for messages or to see if someone has phoned.
I want to avoid going out drinking now,especially in the place where i met those guys.I find it much more enjoyable going to see concerts and shows every once in a while anyway.
It must be difficult since you work with this man.I try and set a rule now where i don't date anyone I work with,as it would make it awkward if i saw them there after we break up.Is there any way you could change your job,although you shouldnt have to change it for him really,but it might help if you dont work with him.
If i were you,i wouldnt bother with him any more.I know it's easier said than done,but life's too short to waste it on someone who plays games.Try to find the good things in your life,stick to them and get rid of the bad things.
I hope this has helped you in some way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): this isn't a long question :) and its well structured. Unlike a lot of people you actually remember to put the question ... :)
I think you need to be open and honest one last time and say to him "look i don't understand why you are suddenly so cold to me, but it hurt - why? what's happened?"
i suspect something has happened behind the scenes - an ex or a kid or someone else and that is the cause. But i think you have to prepare for him to say its over.
Hugs.star.x.
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