A
female
age
41-50,
*ANAM
writes:im being blackmailed by an ex, he has got me 20k in debt and has got cars on finance in my name, now im being threatened by solicitors and courts with legal action as the payments havent been made, when i ask him whats going on he says he will sort it all out but its been a year and nothing has changed, when i say ill go to the poilce or get legal advice he threatens to kill me, rape me etc, i have been stupid and been taken for a ride but i dont know how to get out of this mess. im honestly frustarated and cant eat, sleep and im in constant fear what he'll do....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): You can get an injunction through a solicitor to keep this man away from you legally and immediately - in cases of domestic violence which these threats are it is taken very seriously.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): You have had superb advice here from the other posts. All I would add is that my sister was in your situation and voluntarily made herself bankrupt. It took a terrible toll on her esteem and has brought a new set of problems regarding what she can and cannot do financially. Avoid this if you can - better to feel in some control paying off debt (there are ways and means that don't involve loan sharks)than go under. Get every bit of support you can lay your hands on and remember the best thing you can do for yourself now is to close this chapter - you need to be 100% determined to do it.
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female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (5 May 2009):
 you should still definately go to the police! he's threatening you!he's like committing fraud using your name! without your permission!you NEED to go to the police i know he says these threats but i think he is just bluffing because he thinks he knows how to play you at your own game and knows you won't go through with it!but you need the police involved!pronto!we can't help you with your debts and so on but we can give you the advice and strength to go to the police and sort this bully out once and for all!!
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (5 May 2009):
 Personally I think all the advice you have been given is so right. There is no burying your head in the sand and hoping this will go away.
You say you are not sleeping or eating, believe me I know what it is like when you are in debt and it is hell.
I went through bankruptcy last year and having my house repossessed this February and that wasn't with someone who was threatening to hurt me. My ex and I handled this with dignity and stood by one another. This guy is a pure bully and that is all he is.
Yes you have been too trusting and very naive but the longer it continues the longer you are being his scapegoat.
Phone the police or better still go there and tell them about the threats that have been made to you by your ex, they may even sort out a way of trapping him by using some sort of taping system so they can get his admittal for any court action against him. Go down that route first and then seek their advice on getting back the vehicles, does your ex still have them as normally if payments are no longer being made they would have repossessed them already, if not then either the police or the companies demanding the money will organise it for you.
By going to the police you are following a legal process and by having a restraining order on him as Emilysanswers suggests you are doing everything in your power to prove your innocence. What paperwork do you have to verify you signed for all of this 20k debt. You say it is in your name but was there anything that was done in your name without your prior knowledge i.e. any forgery of your signature etc. He sounds such a sleeze I have to say but we can't chose who we fall for I guess.
The fact that this has been going on for a year - I don't think anything will ever change unless you do something about it.
Do you own any property or assets of your own? If so, bankruptcy would not be such a great option, your credit rating is already crap because of missed payments but why not get a copy of your credit rating from Experian etc so that you know exactly what is against your name. If you have children they cannot take property off of you unless you are behind with mortgage payments. If you are renting and don't own anything of any value it may be a better option for you.
If however, you do not own any assets i.e. car of any value or property etc, then think about bankruptcy, if you do it voluntarily it will cost you. However, if someone takes you to court then it will cost them but they will look to see if they can get their money back one way or another, if you are working they can attach an order against your earnings and take money out of your salary which will go into your bankruptcy estate but it is something you can be clear of within 1 year. You will have it against your records for 6 years but you are already at that situation by the sounds of things.
Why should you have debt against your name and then have to pay for it for the next however many years. You could enter into a financial agreement called an IVA through some of the firms who advertise on the telly, this way after 5 years, you can be clear of debt altogether and the amount each month is set at an affordable level. Again this would be his debt though so get advise from the CAB first of all or a bankruptcy expert to know your options.
More importantly though right now you need to deal with the threats against your safety and so you NEED to take action now - nothing is certain in life but you make of it what you will and by sitting back and doing nothing he continues to get away with being a millstone round your neck and what is better letting him win and being the victim or fighting back and making him pay one way or another. He could have already moved onto his next victim already - if not you may save someone else being naive to his charms and stopping them suffering like you have.
Keep us posted OK, we are all here to listen and help in whatever way we can so don't be afraid to talk to us. We want what is best for you so that you can start living your life again, you are still within the prime of your life and you need to close this chapter and look forward to the future. Don't continue to be the victim eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): Following on from Emily, you might like to arrange an appointment with your local Citizens Advice Bureau debt advisors who can try to arrange payment agreements with your creditors. If you're 20k down, they'd probably accept some smaller paymnets rather than applying to make you bankrupt. The CAB should be able to advise on your best course of action.
You can't just sit back and hope this will go away, so get that appointment arranged ASAP.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): anyone that threatens to kill or rape you, you shouldn't be with. I know you fear this man, but has he ever raised a hand on you, or is he just owning you with terror?
Most of the time, that is the case, they are just threatening. The reason he is threatening you when you talk about reporting him in some way, is he probably knows his guilt in manipulating your finances would be obvious to any professional/unbiased eye. So he is desperate to stop that.
You should not let his threats stop you from cleansing your life of this... infection. I have seen too many women empowering weak, weak men by allowing themselves to be subjugated and terrorized.
"when i say ill go to the poilce or get legal advice"
So don't say... Dammit just do. DO. You don't need to seek his permission or ask or say, or tell or anything! Just go to the authorities. Also, you can buy yourself a tape recorder, and tape his threats on your life/person. This will win the police over to you immediately.
There is always something you can do. Do not live in abject terror. That is no way to live.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 May 2009):
As soon as he made those threats, he broke the law.
Go to the police. Tell them that he's threatening you. Blackmail is illegal in this country and they will go and see him. They can get a restraining order on him and threaten him with arrest and all kinds of things to make him go away.
As for all the debt, you must have signed for stuff and so you are legally stuck with the debt.
Go to a solicitor and he can help you arrange a nice (large) repossession man to go and get all these cars back from him if they are in your name. Then you can sell them and pay off some of the debt. You may have to take a hit to your credit rating which is horrible for you but may be unavoidable.
In future don't ever sign for stuff like that.
But for now, look up the local non emergency number for the police and give them a ring. They may class it as domestic violence since he is an ex but as long as they deal with it and you know you can call 999 as soon as you see him in your street then you will be safe.
Good Luck!! xx
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