A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok - Here is the situation... I have known my husband since I was 15, we made out one night at a bar when I was 19 and I never heard from him again until I was 25. I was a super mess, my Fiance at the time had cheated on me and sent me the pictures to prove it or hurt me, one of the above and my dog whom I loved more than anything had cancer and I was working 70+ hours a week to pay for his chemo. That is how I ended up running into him again. I was bar-tending and he and his girlfriend came in. He was the most depressed man I think I had ever seen and she was the most drunk woman I have ever seen! They would come in about twice a month, she would drink away his pay check and he would just sit there, I knew he had a kid with her but that was about it. We never really spoke that much... Except for one night he was so wasted, I knew he couldn't drive, so I drove him home, we got to his house and he declared his love to me and tried to kiss me, I freaked on him that his girlfriend and child were in the house asleep waiting for his arrival and threw him out of the car, I am not that woman and never will be a damn home wrecker! He sent a text the next morning saying how sorry he was and that was that. My dog died a few months later and I totally and completely lost my mind, I packed up my things and left for a few months. When I returned I got a text from him asking if I wanted to go to his 30th birthday party and that he and the girlfriend had broken up... I ignored him and started trying to put the pieces of my life back together. A few months later I was talking to my best friend and she told me I should call him, that he has always had a thing for me and he really has always been the sweetest guy. So I did. We went out to dinner and I thought it went horrendous, I really didn't think I would hear from him again but he called 2 days later (the guy rule I suppose) and we went out again, this time it was amazing... he kissed me and before he dropped me off, he told me that he loved me and always has. Under normal circumstances I would have laughed at him and told him where he could go but he seemed so real that I couldn't. And that's how it started... He wanted me to meet his daughter, who was 2 at the time. I didn't want to create a relationship with the child before I really knew what was going to happen with him and I, I didn't think that was fair to bring someone in and then for her to lose that person... or fair to me for that matter, I love kids. That didn't last very long, he asked me if I could watch her for the day about a month in and I agreed, I didn't know that she would normally go to the daycare where her mother worked, so I had to speak to her and explain where she was, which was totally awkward btw! I knew the mother from the bar so it was weird and not so weird, you know? Anyway, she didn't have a problem with me having the child for the day, said she trusted me with her. So 4 months later he asked me to marry him and I agreed and we were married a year later. The child is my little peanut. I swear she is my single white female! Everything I do, she does, she wears my cloths, my shoes... I call her my lil' stalker! lol - out of play of course. We all have a really decent relationship I think. My husband cannot deal with the ex and it just became easier for her and I to speak and work things out like schedule and such. But here is the thing, the thing that I am having a very, very hard tie with lately, she has total control over us. She lost her license for the second time (DWI) and any driving has to be done by us, there is no meeting us anywhere, its us driving to the house which is half an hour away or the daycare that is an hour away... She is always telling me how much she loves my husband and this and that, asking is our bedroom still cold, do the dogs still annoy you while you are trying to sleep on the weekends? Crap like that, trying to get to me and sometimes it does.We are in the process of trying to buy a house, we made an offer and it is currently in attorney review. This is where the problem lies, it all starts with the house. They have never gone to court to determine custody or child support, we give her 400 a month and have the child 40 % of the time. Apparently the deal they made was that he gives her 400, pays for health ins (another 400) and gets to claim her on his taxes... Well momma calls me the other day saying its not fair that he claims her and she wants more money... this is what sent me over the edge. More money? We do all the driving, all of it, do you know how much that amounts to in gas a month? Not to mention, I have a lease that I got 9 months ago and it already has 19,000 miles on it from the back and forth crap. Which is fine, but to be told that we are not doing enough! On top of all that, I lost my job a year ago and I am home now so she takes it as I am a built in babysitter, which I don't mind, Kiddo likes it better here with me than at the daycare anyway but to just have someone just have no respect for you and what you do for their child is the most hurtful thing. I have done everything that I possibly can to help her, I drive everywhere, have picked the two of them up and taken them to the Drs office, taken them to lunch, my husband works and doesnt get to take off very often, I have in essence taken a part of his place I guess... The house is contingent upon the fact that we have no court mandated child support, if she decides to take him to court, we will lose the house and trust me, there will be no other like it. She has so much control over our lives, I cannot deal some days. When she says jump, we have to ask how high and the demands are getting more and more frequent. I understand that she is jealous, she spent 6 years with him, had his kid and he never gave her a ring, or a house or anything. I can understand her resentment towards him, but their issues have nothing to do with me. How do you make someone understand that she messes with him, that is messing with me? My husband wants to take full custody of the child, I told him no, no because I do not feel that he should take a child from their mother and I don't want that... I don't want the responsibility of that. I have no children because I do not want any yet, a part time kid is great, you love her and play with her and send her home after the weekend! He only wants to take custody out of spite, that is how I am able to say no, she is being cared for and loved there is no reason to do that, I could not do that to the child, she is already a mess, she has these bags that she fills with all her stuff that she wants to bring from house to house, that makes me so sad... she just doesn't understand, we try and give her some stability when she is with us but on the otherside I cannot say. I donno, its just a mess and I hate the fact that with all this money stuff and the chance that we could lose this house, I am beginning to look at the child differently, I am starting to look at her like it is her fault. I know that is not the truth, but I cannot stop it and I feel so ashamed by it. She is just a child and has no say in anything but it still comes. What do I do to stop this, how do I shut my head up? I feel like the scum of the world when these thoughts creep in... I know it is her mothers doing, but we cannot put anything on the mother for fear that she could take us to court and lose this house... so I guess I am turning it to the child. I would never let her know or see it, I do not act any different towards her, its just in the back of my head resentment is growing.Any advice for any of it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (3 February 2011):
You are the one with everything she has nothing. You should have put your foot down in the begining and said what you would and would not do in a nice but stern way. She has no respect for you. I would have to agree with your husband about trying to gain full custody. He may win. Then there would be no mandatory child support period. He could always still let the mother be with the child whenever she wants. It will just stop the mother from getting simple acting whenever she feels.
A
male
reader, Snowshoe  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 What I have to say may sound glib but that is not my intention. You need professional help. Counseling to get over the resentment and legal to work out proper custody issues. And then do your best to distance yourself and hubby from his ex. I have had family go thru similar experiences I do understand how truly hard it is for you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 You need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel you cannot live like this, because even though you love this child one day you will just snap and say something to her that you will regret. Thats what happens when you let resentment build up. Just remember she is a little innocent child and she wasnt asked to be brought in to this world. I accept that you already know all of this about the child.
His ex partner is being completely unreasonable. If it is the terms that they agreed on then she should be sticking to them, it sounds like very fair terms to me, I guess the more she gets the more she wants. But I think you both need to tell her straight that you are both doing your best and cannot afford any more money. If she decides to take your boyfriend to court well then deal with it when it comes. I think sorting out these issues are better than a house because at the end of the day it is going to start affecting your health and relationship. So you and your boyfriend really need to sit and talk about what you are going to do. Goodluck.
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