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age
36-40,
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writes: So, I met my current boyfriend a little less than a year ago. When I met him he was really hesitant about becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, but finally when other guys started talking to me he said we had to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I was okay with this, because I really really liked him at the time (this was in about december of last year). I remember a couple weeks after meeting him i ran into him drunk on the elevator of our building (we lived in the same complex) and he was talking about how his ex girlfriend called him a sociopath and didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. He talked about how sad he was about this to me all throughout the night. But I didn't care that much because i had just met him and didn't know him well enough to be that much into him. Fast foreword to march of this year, we're dating, he breaks up with me because he's not in love with me. the only person he was ever in love with was his ex. A couple weeks later we get back together because he started loving me supposedly. We've been together ever since but i'm dumb and decided to go through his email (Bad, right?) and read the emails to his ex girlfriend. He hasn't talked to her since the beginning of last summer before i met him. But the emails said that he doesn't think he;ll find anyone like her and is afraid he'll never fall in love again. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with knowing about his ex girlfriend, but I am. I was before even reading these emails. I think about her all the time and get sick when see his tagged Facebook photos where she's even off to the side of them. They haven't talked in almost a year but i'm still thinking he only used me to make her jealous (didn't work obviously) or used me as a rebound. They broke up the end of 08 but send her that email in april 2010. I'm sick thinking about this. Please help!!!
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female
reader, Jen1689  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 For one, reading his e-mails is not going to help you. I'm telling you that here and now. For two, your obsession with his ex has nothing to do with him, and has everything to do with your own insecurities. I'm not trying to take a dig at you, but I've been where you've been only a thousand times worse (I promise you).
First thing you have to realize is: This e-mail was sent over a year ago. Given, he might not have been over her then, but that's probably because he hadn't taken the chance to find someone else.
When I was with my ex, I sent him dozens of letters confessing my love for him and pouring my heart out to him (we were in long-distance). If my fiance now were to read them, they'd probably make his stomach turn, as I told my ex that I could never find another like him and could never love anyone else but him, blah blah blah. Oh, how naive I was... My ex means absolutely NOTHING to me now. I look back on those letters I wrote and realize that I couldn't have been more wrong. I was the one who ended up breaking up with him, and the love for my fiance is one that is absolutely irreplaceable, and it could never be described in a stupid letter/e-mail.
I was also obsessed with a guy right after I broke up with my ex (not because I was devastated over my ex, but because I sucked at being alone). I wrote in my diary about how much I loved him, and I sent him texts/e-mails about how much I wanted to be with him. Again, if my fiance saw these, he'd probably freak out and his self-esteem would be crushed. Once again, I was horribly wrong. It was only four months after my "pining" over this guy that my fiance and I began dating, and I fell head-over-heels in love. We've been together for nearly three years now and are getting married next month.
You need to give your boyfriend a break. If you had found an e-mail from April of THIS year, you'd definitely have a reason to worry. If he hasn't spoken to her in a couple years, you've got no reason to worry. His desperation and loneliness at the time of the separation probably blinded him from being able to allow himself to move on. Why do you think people keep going back again and again to abusive relationships? Most people don't have the courage to be alone and start fresh when there's always been that familiarity and comfort of the same person always being there. Even highschoolers who are in two-week relationships allow that one person to envelope their entire existence, and so they're absolutely devastated once the relationship ends.
You want to get over this? LET IT GO! I've nearly lost my Soul Mate numerous times over being insecure over his past relationship with his abusive ex. I'm still healing from it, but I'm getting better. Don't go on Facebook if you're going to be reminded of her. Don't go through his private things (e-mails, Facebook, texts, etc). You're guaranteed to find something you don't like. Don't ask him about her. Don't wonder about their relationship. And please don't punish him for any of this. He probably wants nothing more than to forget about her. So for your sanity, and the sake of your relationship, I suggest you find a way to forget about this, and fast.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): Look, reading his messages, emails and "facestalking" is just going to heighten your paranoia, not to mention the major trust issues it will cause.
He obviously is hung up on his ex but, to be fair, most people are in some way.
If he left you saying he wasn't in love with you... did he explain what made him suddenly change his mind? Was that explaination one that you trust?
If you don't trust him now, your relationship is doomed and you might as well call it a day as this is only going to get worse
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