A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:OK this isnt a relationship question or anything but... well my mum died 6 months ago.. and im becoming really depressed. Ive been to the doctors about it but they cant do anything because of my age (16) and ive started smoking drinking and occasionally doing weed. I just feel so lonely. I have no one to talk to, all my friends have gone to college and im stuck at sixthform. Id talk to my dad but its really awkward because he spends all of his time with his girlfriend (Who was my mums best friend but my dad left my mum for her) and soon i have to move in with my dad and her. and recently my gran has been in hospital from a stroke and she is so ill. And she doesnt have much long left. I dunno what to do really. I want to stop smoking and stuff too but theres no one to help :( X
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female
reader, tammye17  +, writes (9 October 2008):
 Hey there, iam sorry about your mon, but doing all this things is just going to make things worse. drinking, smoking whatever the case its probaly going to get worse if u keep on. if you wrote here is because u know that your having a problem so u know. Your dad, or grandma are not going to be there for you forever, the only person that can pick u up, is yourself. You have to find the strenght with in u to get pass this depression and do some good to yourself. I'am not trying to hurt you, but think about your mom, think about what she wanted from you. HAPPINESS, u'r young and smart. hope everything gets well
A
male
reader, Tsu +, writes (9 October 2008):
 Oh you, 1st I am sorry for your loss.
Now, time for the hard part. The advice. And yes, there is a huge chance you will just ingore it, but I shall give it to ya anyways. ( Reason why you will ignore it: Very young, not mature enough )
Ok, so, what I can hope for is that you will perhaps reflect one day upon the advice in which shall give.
Ok, first of all, the Realisation of life. No matter what, it cannot be avoided.
One day, you WILL die. We ALL will. In life, there is a beginning, and an end. This my dear, is a fact of life, nothing you feel, say, do or believe will change this fact.
I'm not sure if you are religious or not, but I being Christian, believe in God. And with my belief, I know the Lord giveth, and the lord taketh away. So all I can do is place my faith within him :P
lol now for my crazy spin on things. For me, I do not look to death as a bad thing :O lol sounds crazy huh?
Well, when ya think about it through my perspective, you start to see why I think that.
OK, well if you are a christian, you believe in heaven, and if you've heard anything bout heaven, well it's like...the best of the best in the bestest ever world?!
lol so, I look at it, as like, a super ultra mega win vacation resort thing. When a person I love dies, I think of it similar to like, they got a free trip to Hawaii, and once they got there, they decided they loved it to much to leave.
Of course I will miss seeing them, but hey, they are having the time of their life! lol and well, all I can do is be happy for them. Cuz well, I know one day I too will be partying it up with them in the hawaii heaven! They better have like chocolate, and mac n chz, etc and I'm like 100% sure it will :)
So yea, that's my view ^^. But don't worry, to miss them is perfectly understandable, but once you take in the facts, and spin your view on those facts, life will become SO much better.
Oh yea, what the hell missy -.-. Stop all that drinking and smoking and drugs .
They are considered bad for a reason! Oh yea and ur mom is prolly quite mad at ya for doing those. In fact, she is prolly thinkin of a punishment right now for ya lol. So um yea, better stop those before you dig urself an even deeper hole k?
lol if you have to get "high" just get high on life ^^ trust me, that's plenty.
So do me a favor? just please smile...that's all I ask for. Once you find your smile, ya know its contagious right ^^.
Oh and if you didn't smile -.- I guess I'll have to find ya and give you mine! got it?!
lol. So yea. That's my wierd view. But then again, I've motivated myself SO much, that well, I never become sad or angry ^^ it's really just a waste of time and shows how dramatic I can be.
SO SMILE @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): Hey there,
I just wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone, crazy, damaged or isolated. I lost my mother at the age of 14, I am 26 now. What you are going through is completely normal. I am STILL going through it. Let me tell you one thing, you will never be the same ever again and this is a good and challenging thing. With this loss you will become a new person, with a new destiny or direction. It is a blessing to know the deepest darkest moments of grief cause you can handle almost anything else that comes into your life from now on (break ups are no problem, and you will never cry over spilt milk ;)) Your biggest challenge now starts to be how you learn how to embrace this new experience and make it alter your life in a more positive way...learn to love yourself the way your mother always will and really embrace the idea that life is too short. Live it fully and passionately now knowing it is precious, this will be the way you honor your mother's life. Also please get involved with a grief group to meet others who are going through the same thing. You may need a professional to talk to at times, when things get a little overwhelming. Take care and use your experience to help others as well, it is how you will evolve into your full potential as a compassionate, loving person.
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A
male
reader, Jack_McVeigh  +, writes (8 October 2008):
 ok honey i totally understand how u feel. i lost my dad when i was 13 and well for a long time i had no one to properly talk to. i think it is best to speak via an msn account if this is ok with you. Contact me at my email address here and we can exchange hotmail addresses.If you want to you can add me on msn and I will chat to you and explain how I overcame it. I wish you all the best.xx Jack P McVeigh(Mod note: Jack I changed your answer slightly as personal addresses are not allowed to be shown)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 October 2008):
 Hi, this sounds all very very depressing and I don't blame you for feeling so low and blue. I'm sorry about your mother, that is a true loss and a major blow to you, especially at such a young age. At least you recognize that you're smoking, drinking and doing weed to try to make yourself feel better. It's kind of a vicious cycle and actually the substances may make you feel better for a while because you don't feel much of anything, but when you're off them, you're right back where you were.
So you have to learn to deal with where you are and start to take steps to change what you can.
Let's go through the list of things you can't change: (awful, isn't it?)
Your mum is gone, your grandmother is ill, you'll be moving in with your dad and his new girlfriend soon, your friends are gone. That is a list that would make most adults depressed too, no question that you are in a really tough place.
So what do you have control over?
You can make new friends. It's really hard to do this when you're feeling so sad, but it's worth the effort. I mean, you're not alone in school, are you? There are other students and people you know, just maybe not that well yet.
You can speak with your doctor again and emphasize that this is too difficult for you to handle and that you might need a referral for a counselor. Worth a try, and the counselor might even be halfway decent and help you a little. And every little bit will help at this point, I think.
You can let your school know that you're really really upset and sad and depressed and there may be something that they can do to help.
You can get yourself out into the fresh air everyday and take a walk. Exercise has been shown to help improve symptoms of depression. You're going to have to make the effort to do it, but it will get easier every day.
You can write down all your feelings in journal or paint them or sing and listen to sad songs. Don't forget to listen to happy songs too.
You can find a group of people that need volunteer help. Helping other people with their lives can often make a huge difference in your own.
You can talk with your dad about this, and you have the right to do this without his girlfriend present. I rather doubt she's going away, so you can't ignore her entirely, but he IS your dad and should put your happiness and safety and health above everything else. If he doesn't know about how you're feeling, he can't help. Men can be kind of obtuse and blind to feelings, and might think that if you're not talking about it, everything is fine.
You can call or visit Childline's website. I know it's probably a little-kiddy thing you think, but honestly, what do you have to lose? You've lost so much, trying even something that you think is for little kids might turn out to help a little bit.
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Childline deal with all sorts of problems involving kids. Quote from their website:
”You can talk to ChildLine about anything - no problem is too big or too small.
If you are feeling scared or out of control or just want to talk to someone you can call ChildLine.
Some of the things that people phone about are feeling lonely or unloved, worries about their future, problems about school, bullying, drugs, pregnancy, HIV and AIDS, physical and sexual abuse, running away and concerns about parents, brothers, sisters and friends, and crimes against them.
Whatever your worry, large or small, we're here to offer advice and support. When you are ready. “
Call ChildLine on 0800 1111.
http://www.childline.org.uk
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If you're really serious about stopping drinking, weed and smoking, you could pay a visit to an al-anon meeting. Technically, they are for people who have family or friends who are problem drinkers, but you could try to contact them for some help and guidance. Here's their website. http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alanon/index.asp
So what I'm trying to do here is to get you to start to string together those little tiny bits of help that individually don't mean much, but start to put them all together and start to get some balance back into your life, suddenly, it'll be a year later, and you'll be feeling better. You'll still be sad because your mum will still be gone, but you'll be feeling stronger about yourself and know what you can do to help yourself.
You've already taken that first step. Just put one foot in front of the other and start walking. Cry if you have to, but keep moving.
Hugs to you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 October 2008):
 Losing your mother at such a young age is a very painful experience. I lost my mom a month after I turned 40 and I still was walking around kind of numb for months and months. Do you not have any friends you can talk to about your pain? Does your school have any guidance counselors? Do you have a pastor you can speak with? All those people might help you with adjusting to your loss. As time goes by the pain lessens but there will always be those moments when you wish you could speak to her again. Most people have or will eventually go through this same thing, I'm sorry you had to so young. My prayers are with you honey.
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A
female
reader, iwant2help +, writes (8 October 2008):
Helloo! I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm sure your mum would not have wanted you to be depressed and in your current situation.In regard to the smoking/weed/drinking thing, you are only young, you have your whole life ahead of you, and doing these things at 16 is not good for your body, health, mentally and physically...the law is there for a reason. Try and gain self motivation to try and quit, because in the end you have to do it for yourself, not for anyone else. I would write more but I have to dash, if you ever want to talk, I'm not sure how it works on this site, but email=)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): The death of a relative is one of the worst trauma's in life! - Have you tried religion at all? If you are religious - you can look at this death as a new rebirth and imagine your mother in a better place who you will see again one day! - Even if you aren't religious - it is better to think of her this way than gone forever!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): I feel so sorry for you. Is there someone in sixth form you can talk to? Or a helpline? See yellow pages. You could ring someone up and pour it all out. Or you could try asking your Dad for some time alone to talk to him. He might be feeling worse than you realise himself. Sometimes we feel in life everything is going wrong, but other times they start to go right, so remember this when you are feeling low. It's natural to feel lonely when your mother dies. But you will become stronger. Reach out to your Dad, I'm sure he loves you very much.
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