A
female
age
30-35,
*mzy
writes:Hi everyone. Im in a big problem, and I need so advice. I got with my bf around 1 year and one month ago. We loved eachother very much, to such an extent we'd never talk to another guy or girl even as friends. We were VERY possessive of one another, it was reallydeep. We planned on getting married in a couple of years aswell. Whatever we did we did it for long term benefits. We studied hard and got the best grades so we could live a good life once where married. Were both very mature. Recently I was diagnosed with cancer and he didn't seem too fussed (even though he normally would freak out even if I sneeze) yesterday I found out that whilst I'm battling cancer he was looking at a few girl pics on Facebook (ALL of their pics) He used to swear to me he doesn't even want to look at a girl but then he does this, especially at such a crucial moment of my life. Does he have no shame? I confronted him and he shifted the blame on me. After 2 hours of lying he maned up and admitted that he went on them intentionally. After prodding him to he admitted to looking at my friend whose a models pics aswell 'just to see which companies she models for' It may not seem like a big issue your boyfriend and potential husband looking at girls pics on fb, would it? But as I said we were in deep love so it was a big shock. I want to stay away for a month and then get back. Show him I won't let him off easy. I've paved my live according to him, he was my world and I looked up to him. I gained 20kg and I looked hideous. He still sated with me, never talked to a girl, cheated or anything. Despite there were girls falling for him left right and centre. But this, the pic thing has broken minim falling apart especially when I remained so faithful. Please help me. Shall I get back after a month, I'm scared he might move on by then? If he can do this now when I'm ill what can he do when I well? He tried playing it down saying I'm overreacting and if I leave him he'll understand it was for another reason. Im depressed. Help me please. He's begging me to get back. I'm scared I'm going to mess up. Help )':
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): Hi
Right now you need to think of you without a doubt. You need support and if he is not giving it NOW then you know what the future will hold.
Spunky Monkey
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): Loving each other very much doesn't mean you are possessive over each other and don't allow your significant other to talk to anyone of the opposite sex. That's not healthy.
Nor are either of you mature enough to be in a committed relationship while dealing with such a huge thing in your life: your battle with cancer. Both of you are showing that.
As Caring Guy said, you're clingy and dependent on him; you've made sure your lives are so interconnected so you can be happy and stay together, and yet that's part of what's tearing you apart. It sounds like neither of you give the other any freedom, so now that your boyfriend found he has some, he's running with it! Then, he's blaming his actions on you.
I completely agree with Caring Guy: focus on yourself and get rid of this guy. You need to improve you -- your health and also your dependency issues -- before you can even think about being in a relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 July 2011):
To be honest, I don't think you should be with him. Him looking at pictures isn't really the problem. The problem is his whole reaction to you being ill, and your huge dependency on him.
His reaction to your illness right from the start has been one that shows that he can't really handle it. He's simply not mature enough. He never really seemed overly concerned of fussed when you were diagnosed, then he started looking at other girls and when you did confront him, he lied to you, and now claims that you're overreacting and if you leave it's 'for another reason' (again, shifting the blame to you). I don't think any man pretends to be perfect, but you can be sure that a good, strong, loyal guy won't act this way. In actual fact, your boyfriend has shown himself up for what he really is - a man who knows that you're dependent, and who plays on it to make you cling to him.
More worryingly is your own reaction towards him. You're so clingy, so desperate to keep him that you ARE allowing this. If you were a stable person who was committed rationally to fixing this, you'd never consider a break. There's no way that you can let him go for a month, then just come back and expect him to be single. That's not how relationships work, it's not how people work. You can't wander out of someone's life then expect the to be there.
To be honest, I just think right now you need to focus on yourself. You have a serious illness, and you simply can't afford to have negative people around you blaming you for their mistakes. Your boyfriend had a chance, and has entirely show himself up as someone who when you need him, will fail and BLAME YOU for it. Take all your energy and fight your illness. Do not waste time on this guy - he'll just blame you entirely and you'll become more and more ill.
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A
female
reader, Jay_xxxxx +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Men looking at women is a natural thing, have you thought that he was doing it even when you didn't find out that you were ill?
At this time of need you will be more likely to rely on him and that could be the reason for you realising that he looks at other women.
He could also be doing as he is scared for you and have to find away to put his mind on something else so looking at other women may be a way of doing this.
I understand why you are so upset, but don't be, if your as deeply in-love as you say you are then there is nothing for you to worry about.
Go back to him, you really don't need this when you are battling cancer, it could just make you more ill.
And by the sounds of it he wont cheat
I hope you get better and I also hope you two sort it out
Jay x x x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): OP,
I'm sorry to hear that you have been diagnosed with cancer, hope everything works out for you.
As for the boyfriend, maybe he is trying to deal with your illness by the means of looking at other girls. I mean, I guess he thinks you won't be around for much longer and that he should just move on so that he doesn't end up getting hurt once something happens to you.
What he did was wrong, but I mean, he didn't cheat on you or go around sleeping with other girls. All he did was look at pictures of other girls, give him some space, afterall he is only just a guy, you can't possibly think that he should only have you in his life and no other females.
Don't worry about him, tell him you're sorry and just move on, you shouldn't let a silly thing like this break you both apart.
Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, krit  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Hang in there !!!! human mind is very curious sometimes it jus follows what has to be done for it's subconsious. But we as adults living in monogamous society have learned to suppress them and act more intelligently. The primitive brain doesn't like the concious part to control it always .So your bf looking over pics of others chics was more of out curiosity then him trying to search for a better parter. It doesn't means that he LOVES you any less .You are GOOD enough for him that's why he's been with you for such a long time .If he had break then he would had done It much before not now when your suffering.
Your not overreacting by being upset . But getting too much into it would only make you more emotionally vulenarable. So yes take break from this And let him get back to you. I'm SURE he would and when you do get back be open about your needs and expectations from him.
GET WELL SOON, take care and don't let cancer get you down.
My and other agony aunts prayers are with you......
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (10 July 2011):
hi i wouldn,t get back with him you already have so much going on and especially if he didnt seem to care you don,t need him he will only bring more stress to your life if you are constantly worrying what he is going to be doing behind your back :)
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