A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 22. My boyfriend is 39. Let's call him J. We've been dating for four months now. We just had our first fight. I slapped J's face as a joke and then he smacked my ass. Yes, I know that sounds funny and I probably shouldn't take it seriously but I do. It hurt and I didn't like it. He told me I had it coming. Well, in his defense, I do tend to smack him a lot but I never mean to hurt him. I just do it as a joke, you know, playfully. On the car ride home, I asked myself whether or not if this...what we have...can even be called a relationship. I mean, the last actual date we had was in March. Then again, job hunting doesn't really count as a date. Okay, then our last date was on Valentine's Day. Huh...we weren't even officially going out yet at the time.All we do now is have sex (by the way, he's my first sexual partner), late night dinners (yeah I know it sounds romantic but we just order take-out Chinese food), watch TV, have more sex, then we go to bed. (we do not live together) We rarely sit down and just talk. Do I love J? No. I don't feel like I know him well enough to love him. Yes, I do like him a lot. But when he hit me, I felt scared. I thought back to the time when my sister was being abused by her boyfriend and I was afraid that J might be the same way. I don't know what to do. Do I end it? Do I talk to him about it? Honestly, I don't even want to talk to him. At least not for a couple days. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Thanks for writing back. I worried that you had stopped reading us. I am glad that you two talked. To me that was the most important thing. With the base of this conversation you two can now build a much more secure relationship.
FA
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (11 May 2013):
 You're not going to end your relationship just because we all think you should? Great, but this is quite a strange post on the whole OP. You ask for advice, which you don't like. You say you don't love your boyfriend and are considering breaking up with him, but then suddenly that was everybody else's idea and we're all wrong. You are of course free to take or leave the advice as you wish but if you ask for people's opinions you have to be prepared to not hear exactly what you want to hear.
I have been given some brilliant advice on DC and think it's great that people care enough about complete strangers to help them.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 May 2013):
 Sounds like your loyalty indicates that you like him a lot more than you realized. That's not such a bad thing if you can address the slapping. My good wishes to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI decided to talk to him. We talked it through. No more slapping. We're not going to end our relationship just because all of you think its time we should. I really like him. We're going to try to make more time to do couple things.
Age is never an issue when we're together. We don't see it or feel it and neither do other people.
That's that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): well some guys spank girls and they get turned on... so i don't know maybe he thinks you liked it..
anyways... it seems the relationship is all about sex because of which you don't know his personality.. naturally...
maybe you should tell him that... that the relationship is all about sex and you want to know him better and have an emotional connection with him and see how he reacts...
if he denies you or doesn't try to build a relationship with you... break up... what a tool..
and tell him you are scared of his spankings..
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2013):
 I think HappyPlace has it! There is playful spanking.. a light tap on the tush… but to be honest a tap or slap anywhere else is NOT playful. Even if it’s MEANT to be that way, the underlying aspects of it are hostile.
You are FWB with this guy…I would end it. You have a double standard where it’s ok for you to playfully hit but not him. And just maybe he got TIRED of being “playfully” slapped and it was “enough is enough”
It is time to end it with him.
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female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (9 May 2013):
 I think the issue here is the age difference, which I don't think anyone has mentioned. I think you poster, are acting like the child you still are (my niece is around the same age) and you've got an old guy who I think just only wants you for sex. You are 22 and he is 39. This is not a healthy relationship. Slapping is not healthy and is quite frankly immature. You must look like father and daughter together. Jog on and sort it out!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): First of all most people don't like slapping. Jokingly not jokingly, it's no fun when someone slaps yu even lightly,mESPECIALLY on a face.
I don't think your boyfriend ment to hurt you, it hurt because he is much stronger that you, and men often can't quite control their strength.
I don't know may be you have some kind of fetish with slapping, but majority of people will never find it common behavour and many find it the least strange.
The fact that you don't go out wouldn't bother me that much, if he spends time with me. TV watching and having dinners together is a date. If you need to actually come out of the house, tell him. My husband when I met him, absolutely hated to go out to bars or clubs. He was in his late twenties, and he said he did it all for a few years before that, and it was enough for him. He didn't drink, and saw no purpose of going to bars and other drinking places. Our dates were often in hisor mine houses,or we hiked, or kayaked, but that's about it. He never took me out to fancy dinners, because at that time he was not making much money.
It depends how you feel about him. If him taking you out is an indication of relationship, then tell him that it's important to you.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 May 2013):
This one really has me thinking. I believe that every original poster deserves an honest answer. I don't want to knock anything that anyone has said here. I don't want to throw around labels. I don't want to make accusations.
Here is the direct question:
"I don't know what to do. Do I end it? Do I talk to him about it? Honestly, I don't even want to talk to him. At least not for a couple days."
My advice is that you should talk to him about it. These are my reasons. He needs to know about your background. You need to know how he feels about your playful slapping. Those things need to be communicated and understood before you end it. This is for his understanding of why you are as upset as you are, and for your growth and healing.
If you still feel you should end the relationship after that (and I think you will still feel that way based on what you have told us) then proceed with the separation.
It is alright if put off that conversation for a few days. This should not be done in the heat of your feelings.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): end it, if you love someone that means in love? If you are no "longer" in love and it is just sexual for your guys more then likely it is not a 'strong enough relationship to work on.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 May 2013):
 May I re-state your submittal, for my own clarity?
"I am FWB with a guy. I've taken to slapping his face, periodically, (you said, "a lot")... all in "fun". He, apparently, got a bit ticked off that I, repeatedly, slap him, so he slapped me, on my ass, "in return"....
That slap sparked a thought in my head... relating to physical abuse that I was aware occurred between my Sister and her "B/F"..... and got me to wondering: "am I seeing the beginnings of an abusive part to my relationship with this guy?".... and, I suspect the answer is "yes."
So, Aunts and Uncles, do you think that's so (the seeds of abuse)????? or, can I justify my slapping as "playful" and give my boyfriend a "pass" for reacting as he did?"
Is that about right?
Good luck.....
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (8 May 2013):
 If no-one on this site gives good advice, OP, why did you ask for our advice?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 May 2013):
If you really think that you don't love him then it is time to reconsider this relationship. Breaking up can be difficult but I honestly don't think the two of your are really good for each other.
He is not treating you right and he is not cherishing you. This is not how a really genuine respectful boyfriend behaves.
When you are in a loving committed and harmonious relationship that is respectful on both sides it is THEN that you will never even think of slapping that boyfriend.
A loving boyfriend will adore you and enjoy planning outings and dates with you. Perhaps your level of exasperation led you to slap him. You felt it wasa joke but it probably felt disrespectful to him. Yes, he should not have retaliated with a hard slap back.
So all in all things don't sound healthy enough to ensure a loving harmonious relationship. Any form of slapping between two adults is not good. You can dress it up anyway you like but slapping another human being is not respectful. Even if you then call it a joke.
Step back from this relationship. Reassess what you want and how you want to be treated. Take your time to choose a more committed guy by allowing him to show you how committed he is to your first. Hold off on offering sex too early. Guys like the chase. You have made things far too easy for him and his response is to take you for granted.
You will blossom with a nicer partner and if slapping is no longer part of your actions.
Start as you want things to be and continue from the start with a guy by expecting him to show you respect and treat you well at all times. And vice a versa. If he can't do that while he is wooing you he certainly will not suddenly start treating you more nicely three months later after he has enjoyed sex with you, when it suits him.
Go for friendship first. Get to know the guy and his interests. Develop the friendship. Get a committment from him to treat you well consistently and from the start. Only when the relationship has deepened and become straonger do you introduce sex into the equation. Sure it will turn off so many "player" type guys who only want to use you. But who wants a guy who will just want sex and then discard you? Sex does not cement a relationship, it trivialises the relationship if introduced too early.
I really wish for you to have a truly happy and harmonious relationship in the future. (with no slapping :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): It sounds as though you don't really love him or have much in common with him. Respect has gone, communication has gone downhill and from the sound of it, it's time to leave and start again with someone new, take what you've learned from this relationship and put it behind you.
Next relationship - hold off sex until you're really sure you're in a proper relationship; no slapping (even playfully); if it's not right, leave.
Good luck
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female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (8 May 2013):
A lot of people on this site give really good advice but it's up to the OP to use that advice. You might think that slapping a guy is funny and cute but to most people it's annoying and immature. Also, if you slap him a lot, that's likely to signal to him that it's ok to slap each other. You're setting the standards here. Why should it be one rule for you and another for him? Why is it abuse when he does it but not when you do it? The truth us that he abused you after you abused him.
It sounds like you don't even really want to be in the relationship so you should leave anyway. If you tell him it's because he slapped you then you're being a hypocrite. Just tell him it's not working out for you. Next time you go out with someone, don't slap him. Lines will blur.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): Even playfully, it's not a good idea to slap your boyfriend. It doesn't sound abusive, it just sounds childish.
Why don't you talk to him about where it's headed?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2013):
 Why don't you just cut it off with the playful hitting ? Aren't you a bit too old for play-fighting ? You tend to smack him " a lot " as a joke, and you mean no harm- but obviously ( and not surprisingly ) he does not find it very amusing anymore and wants you to stop. Maybe verbal warnings haven't been enough - hence the ass smack.
I am afraid that yes , you had it coming. I don't condone at all any kind of physical violence, ( and I still think he should have used his WORDS to fend you off ) , then again, you hit him first ! Who cares if it was " playful " !, , a slap is a slap - and it is crossing boundaries, it's the kind of dumb and inappropriate joke that a person can countenance once, but more than once.. it gets annoying and may trigger quick reactions.
In fact, it could go worse. Just yesterday there was a post from a lady who hit her bf first - he reacted , pushed her , made her slam into a wall -now she has a 30 stiches scar on her face . The guy did not MEAN to disfigure her , of course, but that's what happens when violence is involved- things go out of hand .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): "Playful" hitting is still hitting. You hit him all the time, but when he slaps you once you're upset by it? That's hypocritical.
Plus, if you never go out on dates, he's not your bf, he's your fwb.
This relationship sounds unhealthy. If I were you, I'd end it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo one on this site knows how to give good advice.
I do NOT physically abuse my boyfriend. It's just playful hitting. I never hurt him when I do it. I don't want to him to be abusive just so I'll have something in common with my sister. I was there when her boyfriend abused her. I was just afraid that the same thing might happen to me. I was genuinely afraid, ok?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): I'm not entirely sure what your question is...I want to forgive a lot of your moral inconsistencies because I do think your 20s are about figuring what you want and don't want in life, but I think you need a bit of a reality check here, so here are a few observations:
1) You acknowledge that you physically abuse your boyfriend yet you are also coming to realize that you don't like it when he chauvinistically slaps you on the ass. If you loved him, I would probably say you should stop physically abusing him and then ask him to stop slapping you on the ass. I might even suggest you try counseling.
2) However, you've acknowledged that you don't love your boyfriend, which makes me wonder why you bother to stay with him or even write in to this site.
To me it seems you've just not figured out how you want to be: an apathetic girlfriend who hypocritically suspects her boyfriend of physical abuse, or someone who can share horror stories to bond with her sister over a nasty ex-boyfriend, or someone who just wants to get out of a boring and unfullfilling relationship? I'd guess it's the latter, but it's up to you to decide who you want to be. No one here can tell you.
Good luck.
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