A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi.I am 24 and have been in a relationship with my fiancee for 7 years. We have a 3 year old daughter and since she was born our sex life had started going down hill, I didn't think to much of it at first. Middle of last year my partner started suffering with depression and anxiety. No she's on the mend she's starting to do a lot more independently.for the last several months our sex life had been almost non exsistant.I thought it is understandable considering she is suffering with a mental illness and thought nothing more of it until this week she dropped a bomb shell and said she loves me undeniably but doesn't find me sexually attractive and that she wants to have sex with her ex boyfriend and said that she loves me so much she couldn't lie to me. This has broke my heart as I Love her so much but isn't think our relationship can work now, but I cant just walk away from her and my daughter it would destroy my life. But she will not be happy if she does not fulfill he desires. What am I supposed to do? Thanks for taking the time to read this any advice/help would be very much appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): i'm 27, unmarried and a female. i have more balls than you. i'm not scared that i'm single or that i am unmarried at 27.
you're 24 and a man. now grow a pair, divorce this woman and start your life again.
you deserve more... you can take custody of your daughter too... record the conversation with her... ask her over the phone and record it... the thing about she seeking sex with her ex... take it to court... fight for custody of your daughter... and divorce this woman...
because she is just hurting you... and she may very well cheat on you pretty soon.
I feel sorry for everyone involved... but i don't think this will go anywhere..
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): "but I cant just walk away from her and my daughter it would destroy my life."
You can't walk away from your daughter but unfortunately your "fiancée" has already effectively walked away from you.
"What am I supposed to do?"
Accept the cold harsh reality that you prematurely made the lifetime commitment of having a child with a girl who hadn't made a lifetime commitment to you, your sham "engagement" notwithstanding, and now that she no longer desires you sexually while you share a kid then your only option is to continue maintaining a cordial platonic relationship as co-parents for your daughter's sake.
"Why can't life be uncomplicated?"
Sadly, some kids unwittingly unnecessarily complicate their own lives by making poor decisions, such as playing house and having babies before they're prepared or ready for such awesome responsibilities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): Just to add OP, you will never lose each other. You will always be a part of each others life and you can even become the best of friends once this eventually ends.
The longer this goes on though OP the more chance of it becoming bitter, or resent building, the harder it may be for the two of you to switch to a close friendship.
keep thinking this over OP, talk to friends and family and get their take on things.
You know what no sex and no romance is like and now you know you're not getting that back. Can you live that way?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): "Why can't life be uncomplicated?"
Because then it would be boring.
OP you talk about what she wants, so great she doesn't want to break up and lose you, yet she does want someone else sexually and doesn't actually want to have sex with you because you're ugly to her.
So what's the plan then, OP? Stay in a platonic relationship where neither of you are having your needs fulfilled just because neither of you want to lose each other?
But you've already lost each other, just neither of you want to face the inevitable break up.
That's it then, both of you will just stay in this dead end relationship of no sex, no fulfilment and no romantic feelings. A friendship disguised as a relationship where neither of you get what you want.
It's already gotten to the stage where you're so lost in despair that you felt the need to turn to others for advice.
OP ignore your heart for one moment. What is your head telling you to do? Ignore any pain or emotional consequences of things just for one minute and think with your head what the best way forward here is. Does your head really think you can go on feeling this sad, unfulfilled and lonely even though you're supposed to be in a relationship?
Can you not see that all you're doing is waiting until one of your breaks and then everything turns to shit?
You say you couldn't cope with a break up, then how the hell are you going to cope staying in this horrible mess of a situation? The idea of her being with someone else is not going to get easier with time, the idea that it's over is not going to get easier, the emotional cost on you, her and your daughter is not going to lessen this will just keep building OP.
Frankly man it sounds like you're already coming to the end of your tether. You're desperate already for some way to fix this but there is only one this will end. That's what your head is telling you isn't it? Your head knows exactly what is going on here, how this can be resolved and it's just your heart that won't let go.
Best of luck OP, I don't envy your situation for one second. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Sooner or later you're going to have to make the choice of what's best, it's not good for her to be with a guy she doesn't love romantically anymore than it's good for you.
Unfortunately the lovely people you both are, the good friendship you both have will not be enough to negate the underlying misery that has been building and it will keep building.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): Thanks for the replies guys. She said that she does not want to break up and lose me. But I couldn't cope with going on a break and going back knowing that she had sex with someone else it's so confusing and frustrating, it don't feel like I could leave either. Why can't life be uncomplicated?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): Well you won't walk away from her so there is nothing you can do. You just get to watch as she builds a relationship with her ex and then walks away from you. All the while you stay sexually frustrated with a woman who thinks you're ugly.
That won't destroy your life no? Because that's the only way this is going to go OP.
This relationship is over. Don't think for one second that even if you could handle her just having sex with someone else that's all it will be. She is on her way out of this relationship, the only choice you have to make is whether you think it will hurt more now or if it will hurt more to slowly watch this all unfold before she kicks you out.
I don't believe for one second she's trying to be vindictive OP, I honestly think she's giving you the chance to leave on your terms with your dignity and pride intact. She's basically given you a warning and told you this is over and you're not the man for her. She has given you the choice between being dumped and walking away.
If you think waiting and hoping will make this any less soul destroying then you're in for a big shock. If you think you stand a chance of being able to reignite her attraction for you then think again.
OP if you're hoping this is just part of her depression that maybe this is a temporary state then really the only chance you have of her figuring that out is you leaving. Only when you're gone will she realize what she's missing and if that's not enough then you never stood a chance.
The best thing for your daughter too is you walking away. No kid deserves to be brought up in a house with an unhappy father and mother. A father whose heart is slowly being crushed and a mother who feels trapped. She deserves better than have to live that way and you may believe you can hide it from her but kids pick up on everything.
OP in the very least you need to move out for a few weeks and do some thinking, give her space to do some thinking and go on a break.
OP you have no choice here. You can either do it now and cleanly, or you can wait until she crushes you or ends up coming home some night smelling of sex with her ex.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (8 May 2013):
 Hi
That's odd as you have been together 7 years, so I assume the Ex boyfriend was around when your fiancée was 16-17?
Now, out of the blue she says she prefers him physically and wants sex with him? Is this Ex aware of her plans, has she been in contact with him? Somethings not right here.
She is blackmailing you emotionally, she is actually being cruel to you.She will know how much your daughter and her mean to you yet doesn't care if she hurts you or your daughter to get what she desires - sex with an old boyfriend?
I think it's time you started putting your needs first, decide if you can live with a woman who wants her own way continually at your expense
Put on your big mans trousers and say no, it is not in any way acceptable and if you go ahead we are over. Full stop.
If she doesn't desire you then you have half a relationship. Go find a new life, you will still see your daughter,get access plans in place.You have been understanding long enough.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): Don't worry. It's not a big problem. Communication will solve the problem. Try to talk with her and take care of her more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): How can she still love you even with no sex?What kind of bullshit is this? Did she ever talk to you until she dropped the bombshell that she wants a open marriage and wants sex with her x boyfriend instead of you. This my friend means that your marriage is over. Read all about it on line. You're one of the classical cases. Sure your heart is broken. Did she not give you a chance to redeem yourself in the bedroom? Did she even want to repair your marriage? It appears by her reaction she really doesn't give a crap and she knows she can do what she wants you only have one choice. You better leave before she says she loves you but has to have swinger and orgy relations to keep herself happy. Oh, yes she still loves you. What a selfish b^^ch? Why all of the sudden is her unhappiness tied only directly to your sex performance? Yes your heart is broken but get the hell out of there before you are driven to drink or worse. You cant win and you wont win. Just ask her where do you mail the support payments. Oh, ya tell her you love her still but are not into wife swapping with a cold selfish bitch and you have to leave. Do it know before other facts are revealed to you which you never expected. One big friggen blind side. Good luck.
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