A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've met a guy who is very far from my usual type, which I'm aware might be a good thing, and would like advice if you think it's something worth working at.I don't have a great relationship history. Without wanting to come across as arrogant, I am what some people would call quite attractive. My past ex's have all been really attractive, the 'but' is that none of those relationships have worked out and I'm 26. I would like someone I can have a long term relationship with, but they all seem to end after 6 months. I'm not desperate to settle down (have kids, get married, buy a house) so I don't think I am pushing guys away, we just seem to drift into the "friend zone" but also the past boyfriends I've had all seem to be emotionally incapable (unable to cope when we have an arguement/ride through bad patches etc).Now as I said, I've met a guy. He's really very far from my usual type. I'm attracted to his personality and we get on really well. We have alot of the same interests and he makes me feel motivated and alive. The only draw back is I'm not 100% attracted to him physically, he's not ugly but he's not gorgeous. I know how shallow that must seem but I worry that if we get involved, that might become an issue at some point in the future.The last thing I want to do is get involved then hurt him, as he has a worse track history than me with relationships, every ex has cheated or used him, then dumped him. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): Yes you are putting a lot of value in physical appearance can't blame you. I would give it a little more time if you aint feelin it move on. He'll probably get put in friend zone anyway. Sounds like a nice guy but he gets dumped and cheated on. probably tooo nice.You may want to find a good looking jerk more your style.
A
male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Just remember that looks fade, but character can last a lifetime. Even if you marry a man that is the sexiest person on the PLANET, age will change that.
That, and attraction tends to make a person more appealing over time. When you fall in love, even a so-so appearance can turn into a stunner.
Who cares what your friends think about you dating a guy who's not in your league in terms of looks? If he makes you happy, then that's all that matters.
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A
female
reader, 2boysmom +, writes (8 December 2009):
Initial attraction to looks goes away in time.
A person who loves you and devoted to your happiness (and vice versa) is the most precious thing and most rare thing in the world. Someone who can open up and share his feeling honestly but still a "man's man"--those are more important qualities in my mind.
I never thought I'd date a younger guy...ended up marrying someone younger and from a different background...couldn't be happier after 11 years...go figure...
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 So, you are very attractive and dated only attractive men.
[Dr Phils voice]So how has this been working out for you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Quite frankly I think the answer to this question really depends on what kind of person you are and the depth of your character and what you value.
Of course you need to have some physical attraction to the person you are romantically involved with, because that and sex makes you something more than friends. So if it is totally absent then no, it won't work.
Can that attraction be made, yes, if like I said you are a mature person that values character in a man over style.
First off everyone even you will lose your physical beauty as you age. Ever owned a pet? Do you remember how when it got middle age, it had a saggy guy, do you remember the loss of it's once lithe muscle tone? And finally near death do you remember it being a skinny skeleton covered with fur that was rough and unkempt? Did you love your pet any less for being old?
I know it isn't the same, but my point being is that if you make your criteria for choosing a mate their physical attributes, then you are going to be sorely disappointed when they fade and you really don't like the person or love them for who they are. The most important quality is that you are friends first and that that friendship takes care of each others needs.
I often think men are the shallower of our species and they want an attractive wife, usually more attractive than they are...it is the way they are built. And so many of them that put high importance on that end up cheating on those beautiful women and finding themselves divorced because they are unhappy with her as a person and their relationship is not a good one.
So if you find this man ticks all of your boxes, give it some time and if you fall into love with him, and you are a person of character, you will find him the most beautiful man in the world.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionk_c100 thank you so much for your reply, thinking about it, I really want to make a move on him, last night we went out and I went back to his until the really early hours of the morning, we didn't do anything but talk, and I liked that we had so much to say to each other, but all I wanted to do was go and snog his face off to be honest! I guess i am worried of what my friends will say, yes shallow, but I have always gone with stunners, he isn't ugly or overweight, but not my usual type...Well I guess watch this space :)
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Ok well I have been in a similar position in the past and I am actually now dating a guy who is really not my usual "type" so I might be able to help!
My usual type used to be really tall, typically "good looking" men and looks were always reasonably important to me. Dating the really good looking ones - always turned out they had the personality of a lamp post so they didnt go anywhere! So along comes a guy who was slightly overweight, not really good looking but we had loads in common and had lots of fun together. We dated for a month or so but I got sick of people staring at us - at the end of the day without sounding too vain (I'm really not that attractive!) it looked funny for someone like me to be dating a man who looked the way he did. Now I hate to let other people's opinion affect me and I never really care what other people think, but I found that the more funny looks we used to get when we were together, the more it made me realise that I really wansnt attracted to him. He became so clingy as I think he knew he had found a really good thing and was trying desperate to hold on to it, whereas I became more and more distant and hated him being affectionate in public. Sex was also an issue - I am quite a sexual person but I couldnt stand having sex with him! So surprise surprise that relationship ended.
Whereas with my current boyfriend - he also is not my normal type and when I met him I wasnt sure if I was attracted to him. But I fell for him big time, being with him felt totally right and I knew I had found someone special, and eventually I became more and more attracted to him physically so now I can barely keep my hands off him and I am the one wanting sex all the time from him! It does help that the sex is great - I think if the sex is bad and you are not hugely attracted to him then the relationship is going to fail.
So what you need to decide is this; is he someone who you would feel a little ashamed to be seen out with in public? Does the idea of sex with him not make you excited at all?
Or do you see yourself becoming more and more attracted to him as time goes on, so the more you get to know him the more you can see the relationship going somewhere?
I do honestly believe that your perception of a man's physical attractiveness can improve as you grow to like the man more and more in terms of his personality. However if there is no physical attraction at all in the first place and it is entirely about his personality then it wont work.
What is it about his looks you dont like? dont be afraid to say - after all you are anonymous on here! If it is only little things then you might be ok, if it is something major then the chances are you wont be able to get past it when you look at him.
You are not being shallow by admitting this - you are being honest and you dont want to hurt him, I wish I could have done the same with the previous guy I dated because I ended up hurting him pretty badly.
I hope this helps and feel free to ask any further questions!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe ticks all my boxes just not in the looks department, I want to give it a go but as I've never dated someone I'm not massively physically attracted to, I feel hesitatnt as like I said, I don't want to mess him about, I don't want it to become an issue at any stage. I have dated guys who were drop dead gorgous but actually had the most awful personalities & as a result I found them very unnattractive!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): First off: how attracted you are to him has NOTHING to do with your own level of "hotness". So I question why you brought your own looks up? Are you thinking "what will others say?" or are you worried others will not find this man attractive when you stand next to him or something? Get rid of those thought if thats what you're thinking. Stop caring what others think.
So he's not your usual type of guy. And you don't find him 100% attractive. You already learned that 100% hot guys aren't 100% great for you either.
When you fall in love, you start to see things differently. When you're in love, people become more and more beautifull. I was in the same position as you. I fell in love with a man very different from what my ex's had looked like, and I was worried at first that I wasn't good enough for him since I wasn't 100% attracted to his looks. However with a little more time this changed. As my feelings grew, I learned to see more of how gorgeous he is, and although Id not call him beautiful when we first met, I see now that he really is.
So I advise you: give him a try. If you can not get over it, then it's ok. Dont tell him why it didnt work. You can still be a great girlfriend to him even if you end up splitting up, breakups dont always end with enemies. Dont use him, dont cheat on him, and give love a chance. Thats all anyone can ask.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): yes looks play a small part in relationships. but do you really date a guy just because hes hot? no, its the personality the way they make you feel, give this guy a shot! My husband was completely different from my type and hes not the most handsome either, but his personality makes him hot! some of the most beautiful people can be soo ugly just because of their attitude. I would give this guy a shot, looks aren't everything, im sure you have your flaws too dont be so shallow all the time
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 December 2009):
Truth is it probably won't. You do need to be attracted to looks and the personality, the idea being you like him for who he is. What happens in the future if you meet an attractive guy and can't help yourself? I think unless you're attracted to him as he is, it would be better to end it so he can try to find someone else.
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