A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help!I have a male friend who I am attracted to more than he is attracted to me, he is flaky though and sometimes flirtatious then puts it back on friendship level.He makes no secret of his interests in other women and I make no secret of only being interested in him!He is kind and thoughtful and several times recently I have stepped back from the friendship as felt he was humouring me because of my feelings for him. When I do this he becomes very attentive and acts like he really likes having me around so I get sucked back in again to being there for him, and always ends up with me asking him what he wants and him somehow avoiding telling me!Not sure if I should just completely step away as its beginning to hurt me that he will never take me seriously as a potential partner, meanwhile I often feel that for me he is actually my soul mate.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 February 2014):
 I was in the same situation with someone for 6 years. I loved him and he was an expert at keeping me guessing. He told me we were special friends right up until he found someone else and dropped all contact with me (yes...after SIX years)
Please don't fall for this bullshit from someone who only sees you as friend material. Don't waste your time like I did. I am almost 50 now and it's doubtful I will ever meet anyone else because I threw away good years hoping that he would love me, it was clear that he never ever did.
End it now, forget, move on, live life for you and NEVER give time to anyone who only sees you as an option.
A
female
reader, Blanket  +, writes (15 February 2014):
He is clearly, and I say clearly playing mind games with you. Telling you about other women in hopes to keep you on your toes for later when he is ready. slowly distance yourself then completely disappear. Your dealing with a jerk, who at this time, will not be upfront about his feelings because he too busy shopping and scared of missing out on something he thinks he may find better. You have to pull his feelings out and see for yourself by moving on and dating other men and NOT informing him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): Thank you all so much - advice appreciated and taken
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (15 February 2014):
 I think you would be right to cut ties with this guy.
From the sound of your post he likes the attention but has no real feelings for YOU. Keeping you in his life strokes his ego ("here's this girl I could get with in a minute if I wanted to") while leaving him free to pursue other women. A guy who truly cared about you - as a friend, even - would not tease you with flirting you both know will never go anywhere. A guy who was interested in a relationship with you would not flirt with other women in front of you knowing full well how you felt about him.
At BEST the man you describe here is selfish and thoughtless. At worst he's deliberately cruel. Meanwhile, by bending over backwards to try and stay friends with him anyway you are causing yourself a great deal of pain and heartache over and over again.
Even though you aren't dating him, I would treat this like a breakup (because it may feel like one for you.) Explain that you cannot be a part of his life in the capacity he currently allows and then go "no contact" with him. It will be more painful at first, but in the long run, you will heal more quickly and give yourself the freedom to search for your true "soul mate" without the baggage of still interacting with this guy.
Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): I think it will be healthier for you to distance yourself a little; so you will regain some perspective.
Being single,if you're too close to a single-guy close to your own age; it is natural you will grow a crush. Maybe become emotionally attached.
This happens when you aren't making yourself available, and you're being lazy. Going for the fish in a barrel, rather than getting in a boat, and fishing the open waters.
You've taken on the self-appointed assignment of being his care-giver. Always adjusting your feelings for the moment.
He is codependent, and taking advantage of you. You're there to take care of him like a big sister, or mother-substitute. He doesn't want you in the romantic sense.
His flirtations are fully for your benefit; only because you're a female, and you drop hints and fish for approval and compliments. He obliges you, because he cares for you.
He is humoring you. You are reading too much into things; because your mind is trying to position him where you emotionally want him to be. Like forcing a square-peg into a circle. His feelings are not going to fit where you want to force them to.
You should make yourself visible for single and available men.
Stop shopping conveniently in the friend-zone. It's frustrating and confusing. It's uncomfortable for him. Always pushing you away, dodging advances, and trying not to hurt your feelings. He feels you clinging.
He values your friendship, but the love is platonic.
You refuse to interpret his feelings in the proper context, and you're a bit stubborn. He just won't reciprocate when you need his romantic affection; and that brought you to us.
I suggest distancing yourself to allow the infatuation to fade. That doesn't mean blatantly avoiding him; and making yourself look like an idiot. I mean finding things to do with your free-time, and dating. Not devoting all your time to a man who doesn't want you for a girlfriend.
If he isn't dating any women; could he possibly be gay?
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (15 February 2014):
 Let me tell you how this always ends.
You finally throw yourself at him and be rejected or even worse, smile through your teeth as you watch him marry some other woman.
You also miss out on great relationships because you fixated on someone who isn't into you.
A bit harsh arn't I.
But I feel that as an adult, you have to have a bit more self respect.
You are special and do deserve to be with someone special.
YOU should be out meeting him. If you cant keep this guy as JUST a friend, then cut him loose.
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