A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel useless, I let my boyfriend down. What should I do?. I don't know if he will forgive me. He knew I haven't been well for a few days, but for some reason, he still bought lots of food for Valentine's day, and bought me some presents. Earlier in the day, it sounded like he couldn't make his mind up about seeing me. I kept asking him what time he wanted to see me (he usually meets me at my house and then we walk to his house), but he said he was taking his time, and he said it would take ages to make the food. He kept hanging up the phone on me sometimes too. He eventually sent me a text message, saying that he was waiting for me to go round there ( he wanted me to get a taxi). However, I had assumed that he didn't want to see me, and because I wasn't well, I had gone to sleep for a couple of hours. I got the text when I woke up. I felt awful, and to be honest, I looked a mess. I called him, and he was angry with me. He said he had made an effort and got dressed up, and it had taken him a long time to make the food. I think i should break up with him (unless he breaks up with me first), as I feel useless. Why does he have to be so perfect?. He is hardly ever ill, whereas I get ill quite a lot, especially in winter. And he is a good cook, and I am not. I was crying when I spoke to him, as I was depressed because I was ill, and I felt bad that he had gone to all that effort, and he told me to stop whinging!.I tried to call him again after I spoke to him, but he hasn't answered the phone. I have also tried to call him a couple of times today. The first time I tried, his phone was switched off, and the second time I tried, it was on but he didn't answer. I wish Valentine's Day didn't exist. It can make people feel bad if they can't do something on that day. He must hate me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): I spoke to him a little bit before on another phone. He told me to call his mobile phone, but when I tried to call, it went straight to voicemail. When I spoke to him, he told me that he had snapped the SIM card in his mobile phone. That is emotional abuse. No matter what I have done, I don't deserve to be treated like that. He said that he hates me too and he hung up on me.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 February 2014):
 I think it will be better if you two break up.
He's unmedicated bipolar (or if he's medicated he's not properly medicated or he's not taking his scrips properly)
you appear to have either low-grade depression (that can make you feel ill all winter) or some form of co-dependency where you need to be with a person that "needs you".
You asked him what time to be over and he did not give you an answer. He was erratic in his behavior and since your followup says he's bipolar and was being manic, you should have made the choice to say "honey your manic and I can't deal with it when I'm not feeling well, I'll talk to you tomorrow" and hung up and gone to bed.
The fact that he is blaming you for this and you're accepting it and in fear of him breaking up with you when you should be the one breaking up with him is very telling for me.
I hope you can find the strength to tell him goodbye and mean it. You do not need the emotional abuse being heaped on you by him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): I called once before. He answered, but he only said " I don't know why you are calling me " , and then he hung up. I'm not going to contact him anymore. I don't know if I trust him anyway.
I know he hasn't said that he wants to break up yet, but I think it's heading that way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): Actually, he has let me down a lot more than i have let him down!. He didn't buy me anything for Christmas and our anniversary, and there have been loads of times when he has said he will meet me and he hasnt turned up. sometimes he hasnt even called me let me know that he wont be there. This is the only time that I have let him down on a special day. I think I have a bad chest infection. I have been coughing a lot for a week now. I am always ill in Winter. He has Bipolar Disorder, and he was in one of his manic phases yesterday. It is hard to handle sometimes, for both of us. Maybe I was a little scared of going there. However, I didn't even have the energy to get myself ready. I was exhausted. I don't go to the doctors when I have a cough. I have heard that a cough is supposed to go away on its own. I have been taking cough medicine to relieve it.I do love him, but I don't think that I am good enough for him.I feel terrible that I let him down. I am crying as I type this. Maybe I don't deserve to be forgiven.Also, there have been lots of times when he has said that he has been too tired to see me, or he hasn't seen me when he has been ill. I have forgiven him all those times.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): If he hated you, he wouldn't have gone through all the trouble. If you are always feeling bad you should see a doctor, and see if there are medical issues that require attention. Maybe you're suffering from a mild form of depression, that could compromise your immune system; and make you frequently ill.
Hating Valentine's Day is ridiculous. Take ownership for having a bad attitude. Then you will do whatever necessary to adjust it. When he cools off, he will be more receptive to a sincere apology. You owe him one. Save the tears. Dramatics won't make it real.
Not to make you feel worse; but you are taking him for granted.
You had days to get to a doctor, and there are over the counter remedies that could have helped you to feel better. There are numerous times that I've felt miserable and put on my best face to keep a commitment; or for the benefit of someone I care for. Even if it was only a friend. So you're not off the hook about using feeling bad as an excuse. He knows you, and he can also tell when you're lying.
He needs time; but he'll come around. No one goes out of their way unless they really want to. There has to be some effort on your part to make it worth the trouble. I recommend you go see your doctor, and get a full physical examination. Someone as young as you are, shouldn't be feeling sick all the time. Unless you are just sick of being with your boyfriend. You know the remedy to that.
It's odd that you considered breaking up as a remedy for disappointing your boyfriend. You say it's because you're ill a lot. Deep down inside, I think you want out of the relationship; because you don't feel worthy. Either that, or you feel guilty; because you're pretending to love him and it's eating at you.
He makes a lot of effort and you really don't want to. I read your post twice. Not once did you say you love him. You just complain about how awful you feel. If it's depression; you deserve the benefit of the doubt and he should truly forgive you. Depression isn't something you can just shake off; or pop a pill, and it's over.
He sounds like a wonderful guy, and you're lucky. I do predict he will get over it. If you get to the doctor and it is determined there is something wrong; he will fully understand. I would think he would be very supportive of you. That is, if it even matters.
If you don't really love him, let him go. He deserves to be with someone who cares for him, and will appreciate him.
That doesn't make you a bad person, or unworthy of having someone to love you. If he isn't the one, then you must do what is right. In any case, I hope once you talk to your doctor that everything is okay. Also make sure you check the side-effects; if you're using new birth-control.
I hope you feel better, all the same.
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